| A
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: i really need help!my boyfriend has been having sex with me whilst im asleep. i should explain that i have a medical heart condition that makes me faint quite a lot it also makes me very tired so i have extra naps during the day to prevent becoming ill. i woke up in pain today with my boyfriend on top of me i freaked out to say the least and threw up. am i over reacting? i just feel very violated. i know he has become frustrated with our sex life because when we first got together two years ago i didnt have this heart problem now it has gotten worse my sex drive as decreased a lot. i never would have believed my boyfriend would do this to me hes a decent guy and i love him more than anything, but now i cannot trust him and i wont touch him or let him touch me. he is a good man and he truly loves me i just dont know what to do to get passed this, or am i over reacting .....is this normal?please help xXx
View related questions:
sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2009): omg some of these answers are so mean! you are not being over dramatic. i went on this site because i have had the same experience more than once. and my boyfriend wont have sex with me when im awake. you should be concerned and the best thing to do is just talk about it if he will man up. mine how ever will not man up and wont talk about it. its scary to wake up like that, just as it would be to wake up while sleep walking. she is not making herself a victim to everyone who left negative comments. this is one of those things where you have to be in the situation to know the feeling. its horrible.
A
female
reader, holmar  +, writes (18 July 2009):
Thank you too. I wish you good luck. Have a great day and I am really glad you talked to him and things seem to be working out.
:) Holly
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionceliaaletta- you are very insightful and also thank you for defending me. i think you understood what i was asking more than many of the uncles and aunts.
ur answer made me think a lot, to be honest i was ignoring most of the advice that called him a rapist because they didnt understand that he didnt do it with hurtful intentions. more the fact he is a hormonal teenage boy working long hours at work and coming home to a girlfriend who is constantly poorly. this incident has made me re-evaluate my relationship, ive been making mistakes in not thinking of his feelings and needs and hes obviously made a few mistake aswell.
we're communicating more and it will get easier once we feel less embarrassed and uncomfortable around each other.
i love him and he loves me .....and thats too precious to throw away because of a small 'blip'.
good men are hard to find and all x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks hollie- im taking your advice, just to let you know things are going better now. he said he felt unable to bring up the topic of sex because i seemed tired all the time. we've talked a lot about it.
i never refer to what he did as rape because i know it wasnt people on this site used the term rape. i know he physically didnt mean to hurt me.
im just going to move on from this - i apolisgised to him as i let my previous situations cloud what was just a stupid mistake on his part and a lack of communication and intimacy on mine.
thank you every one for your advice i know some people opinions and advice bacame quite conflicting.
x
...............................
A
female
reader, holmar +, writes (18 July 2009):
Sorry so long. It's hard to shut off that part of me sometimes. Anyway. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, holmar +, writes (18 July 2009):
thank you Jason. I read what you wrote and I don't think I have much more to add. I am sorry if I came across harshly. That was not my intent. The reaction you had generally would occur if someone had been victimized at some point in their lives. That does not mean your reaction was wrong at all. It was a common reaction when a person has had that happen to them. I don't think it was right in general though. It seems as if he "really wanted to have sex" to put it quite bluntly. And for some reason he did not think you would want to do that. However, when he woke you up, he probably felt like a complete idiot. You said he is a good man. It sounds like you two both need to talk. For you it would be first off, apologizing IF you said anything negative relating to this being like "rape". I know you felt that way because it wasn't consentual, but that is a VERY strong word. One which would often make a man run very quickly in the other direction. I can almost promise you it was not intended in that way, although this doesn't change the way you felt, because in your past, you have been raped. So there are some definate issues and it's understandable that you are questioning yourself on that. One thing, and this is just a suggestion, you can do whatever you want, but you could apologize initially for overreacting but also remind him that you did so because you have had that happen to you previously. Then if you two do decide to talk about it in the future, here's a suggestion. If you want him to talk about it, you need to tell him how you feel without placing blame on him. I feel __(not angry-go deeper)___________ because you __________________________. I need___________________________. Then he would repeat what you say to make sure he understands it. So you feel _______________ because I ______________________ and you need this? then you try to find some sort of either an understanding or an agreement. Try to stay on one issue at a time. The other thing is, like Jason said, is he getting the intimacy he needs? If he is trying to get it while you are sleeping, I think he probably needs more intimacy with you. For you, this could be difficult. If you really want to make this work can you go to relationship counseling? It really can help. I am a counselor, and even I go. Sometimes it's just too hard to come to any resolutions when your so involved emotionally. Again, I am sorry about if I sounded harsh. I really do want things to work out between the two of you. If you do communicate, this goes for him or you, just remember, you can't make someone feel anything or change a person, they will only resent you, you can only let them know how you feel. And if you communicate, the object is to find a solution. So, if you start the converstion (and most people do this) by saying something like "I am mad because you....." or "you did this..." you wont get anywhere. Automatically the other person is going to become defensive and feel attacked. Then even if they know that you are right on something, they probably wont admit it because they are being defensive at that point. It's almost like leaving out a baited hook, and most of the time the other person will bite. So, stick to how you feel only. And then he will hopefully tell you how "he feels". And in both of your cases, be sure you both "listen". Men and women are so different. We often think that they should think like we do, and not understand when they don't, but it really is true. Also, men generally think of only one thing at a time, where women can "multi-think". So, when you say, i feel this and this and this to a guy, they get completely frustrated, and just get mad and walk away. Where a woman could most likely talk like that to another woman and be fine. Also, women have a tendency to need to talk things out, men, although they need to more often, have a tendency to do less talking and find a quick solution and stick with it. We, need to "talk it out". There needs to be a happy medium on tha. There are books on communication between men and women, the one like is kind of old but it's "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray I think. Anyway, that one is really good at explaining the differences. I really hope you both work this out. It sounds like he needs some intimacy and you need a little understanding with this issue too, due to your past. I hope you can communicate, compromise and forgive each other so you can look forward to a really good future. I hope this helped. I am sorry if I hurt your feelings. I actually care about people, and I got frustrated..lol, cause I wanted you to work this out. It was a really interesting issue. Holly
...............................
A
male
reader, Jason32477 +, writes (17 July 2009):
 After reading what you have said and Holmar has said I think her assessment was pretty accurate.Your latest post changes the scene dramatically from the way I originally played it out in my mind.The issue at hand is no longer about what happened.At this point that is irrelevant.The issue is how to move forward.The event occurred at least 4 days ago and your relationship holds no affection at the peasant.And from the sound of things with your heart condition things were already in a slump before hand.Right now the way I see it you are in the drivers seat.It is a pretty rough road your on so lets hope this guy doesn`t bail on you.I would suggest that you take some time and explore your feelings and try to get some idea where you want things to go.Then it`s time to talk to him.there is no need to bring up the indecent,but communication is vital in any relationship.I hope that you can be comfortable to put some affection and closeness back into your relationship. There is a heavy strain if he if forced to sleep in a separate bed.I`m not saying you need to rush back into a sex life but that its not healthy to have zero intimacy. Let him know what your foundries are, and work to expand them into an openness.You said you woke up in pain,and have also said that he was not trying to wake you.So my question is did he do something to physically hurt you? or was the pain more like a nauseous feeling coming form an uncomfortable situation? If it is the former then you have every right to move forward at your leisure.If on the other hand it`s the latter then your boy friend has really done no great harm.The event was drastically over reacted to and he unjustly punished.In either event it`s time to start picking up the pieces and move on with life.Start talking.Let him know what your feeling.Go out on a date.try to rekindle some romance.Don`t let things continue as they are.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionalso i didnt pick the heading i left it blank and the site picked it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionright there are some things that need to be addressed because apparently now i am a drama queen.
Holmar- for a counsellor in a mental insituation you have made some pretty big assumptions about me without asking questions to a get a fuller background.
i have previously been raped as a child (definatly not being a drama queen about it) held down outside a park at the age of 13 my boyfriend knows about this, and yes i do still have confidence issues and am a little insecure about it that i will admit. he also know the tablets i am on for my heart knock me out when im asleep. i havent led a rosy life my mother threw me out of her home when i was 15 in favour of her boyfriends children and my dad died in an accident when i was 11. my stepfather was alcoholic who beat me up when i got in the way. i have lived on my own since i was 15, apart from briefly when living with an abusive boyfriend at 16 through to 17. i met the man i am with now and i love him. i do not consider what he did was rape but it was not done in a way where he wanted me to wake up. when he relised i was waking up he jumped to the other side of the room and tried to walk out the door. as if he wasnt doing anything. i have no intentions of leaving him as he is a good man and im in love with him i mearly asked your opinion becasue i didnt know if this was normal. i have only been in two sexual relationships and never encountered this happening.
i want to move on and make a better life for myself. i just wanted your constructive advice.
ps. hes not my husband - read the question carefully before you critised.
thank you! x
...............................
A
male
reader, Jason32477 +, writes (17 July 2009):
I have had sex with girl friends while they slept a few times, but its more like waking them to for play rather then ramming my member into an unprepared zone. And always I have known before hand that they would be ok with it.So yes I can understand this girls reaction.And can hardly believe that she is still with him after this incident.It does sound like rape.If not it`s very border line. "i woke up in pain today with my boyfriend on top of me i freaked out to say the least and threw up."That being the only real detail given its hard to picture what really transpired.In my minds eye I see her sleeping in the nude or him undressing her while she slept then just ramming it home.There is no way this is acceptable.I think he is lucky that she is willing to forgive him,and no I don`t believe he will repeat his mistake.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): Tisha brings up an interesting point and I'm not going to argue it, as she tends to thoroughly and accurately do her research. However, is this reaction common or rare? Quiet-echo and holmar have both said that they have had this happen and they like it. I doubt they would have both liked it on multiple occasions if they fainted or threw up or even if they were dry and it was uncomfortable. The reaction, both mental and physical, was different for the OP. It did cause her distress on this occasion.
It is also true that a woman has to be lubricated to have comfortable intercourse. However, many women are almost always lubricated. It depends a lot on their vaginal and vulva estrogen levels. My wife is almost always lubricated. That is why we can on occasion have a quicky without any foreplay. That is why she is nearly always wet before the action begins. This was also the way another woman I dated many years ago was. Other women have a very difficult time getting wet even with foreplay. Just because one woman needs a lot of foreplay to become lubricated doesn't mean that all women are like that.
The point is that this action is obviously not a problem for all women, perhaps not even many. I have never tried this with any women, but my wife said while I was writing my first answer that she doesn't think that she would be upset in the least if I ever did something like that. I have no interest in having sex with a sleeping woman though.
For this particular discussion, her bf should know that he has to be careful with her because of her heart condition. He should know better than to do something like this because of that. However, this is obviously not the case with many women.
Yes, the 2 of you do need to talk about this. However, the time to do so is not when one of the partners cannot face it. I kept quiet for many years when my wife spilled all of her guilt onto me and then refused to talk about it. If a man can do this then so can a woman.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): Even the title is "drama queen". She says "my boyfriend has been having sex with me while I am asleep. That makes it seem like he has been constantly hopping on top, waiting for her eyes to close and hear the snores before he is interested in climbing on board. That makes him sound like a real weirdo. Then you start reading and discover she over dramatized the whole thing. It was a one time issue and thats it. I am just surprised at the women, most of the women, who play along with this. Like someone said, it's not helping her any. and if I was him, I would have been gone right away.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): It may have been a medical reaction and uncomfortable. Especially since she has health conditions. Unfortunately, that's not the only problem here. It was her over reaction. What is the cause of this reaction? Was she traumatized previously? That might be why. This is something that her husband would need to understand, but also, she would need to understand that this could cause her to overreact. Otherwise, he could end up leaving her out of fear that she could do or say something else. They both need to apologize and work this out.
...............................
A
female
reader, holmar +, writes (17 July 2009):
I am a counselor in a mental institution and previously a domestic violence counselor, and I am female. I know what real problems are, and what is blown out of proportion. If you want to encourage her to make herself into a victim over this, and that is exactly what she is doing, then you go ahead. But you are not helping her any. What's the benefit of making a situation like that into a tragedy, and years down the road still consider herself a victim, when it's something that could be chalked up as a misunderstanding and forgotten about. How does that benefit anyone? Most people wouldn't think one way or the other about this, unless you already have a victim mentality, or have previous "true" incident of rape or incest. If that's the case, then this situation is different. She needs to tell him why she felt so uncomfortable with this, and she also needs counselling because she clearly has some unresolved issues which potentially could get her into trouble if she is doing things like this. This was not a crime. If anything, it was a misunderstanding. For a man to talk and talk about something which he didn't understand would be a problem in the first place is not going to happen. It will create more problems. He said he was sorry. Her trying to make him go into this any further is going to anger and humiliate him, and men have a very difficult time going into issues as deep as she would probably like to go. You can't "force" someone to do something you want, such as "talking until SHE feels it's talked out", that is up to him, not her. However, she should just let it go and move on, but if she must, she can tell him how she felt and why, but then leave the rest of the talking on his part up to him. She also will be lucky if he does not leave her because any comparison of something like that and the word "rape" in the same conversation is something that would make most men run in fear. So any idea of them having this wonderful heartfelt conversation is a fairy tale. They both have crossed some boundaries here, with hers being a little more serious and frightening due to the consequences of those kind of statements.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 July 2009):
 I remember that post that TTM refers to, about waking up to oral sex. There are a lot of hot buttons here so let's just take this one step at a time.
Anatomical fact or fiction quiz: Being lubricated before intercourse is important so that a woman doesn't experience pain. True or false?
Putting an erect penis into a vagina that isn't prepared for penetration can be a pretty uncomfortable thing. And some women can have what's called a vagal nerve response, where the vagal nerve is stimulated by insertion of objects into the rear area of the vagina. This is not a 'drama queen' response, this is a physiological reaction to the pressure or whatever stimulus it is on the vagal nerve. It ain't pretty, involving fainting and nausea.
I don't know how to explain what it might feel like so that a man can understand.
Waking up to a mouth on genitals is different from unprepared-for vaginal penetration. Apples to apples, waking up to oral sex if you are a woman is probably not too terribly different to waking up to oral sex if you are a man. Waking up to something put into a body cavity before the orifice to that body cavity is prepared for it, um, well, that's different. So let's be very specific here about that.
That all being said, you are both going to have to talk about it. You have no choice, I think, if you want this relationship to succeed. You may need professional help in this, if he's feeling so guilty and terrible about this that he can't properly talk to you about it. I'm sure he's unhappy that he's made you so miserable.
Look, you two are in this life together, right? You want to have something together, you are going to have to realize that there are times when both of you will have to talk about really uncomfortable and awful things. It's not what we want, but it's what we have to do if we want to move forward as a couple.
So you want to learn to trust him again? Give him time to demonstrate that he meant what he said. And seriously, I think from what you've described how you're feeling, you will need professional help. But then I'm not an expert.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (17 July 2009):
 I hate when people start pulling the "real problems" card or start insinuating you must be crazy. That's bullshit. Not everyone is okay with sleep sex and it's fine if you're not. Just because you're not being punched in the face nightly doesn't mean it's not a real problem that needs to be addressed.
If you love each other you will both get through this, but you do need to talk about it. Tell him that you both have to sit down and talk about this and how it made you both feel. Bring up both your trust issues and his frustrations and try to see what happened through each other's eyes. Don't stop talking until you both feel like you have said everything that needs to be said. Because you're not talking about what happened it ends up being an emotional block and things won't get better. Then, once you've aired everything out, work on forgiving each other and recreating what you had. It will take a bit of time but if you are fully committed to each other things will work out.
Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): You might want to rethink this one really quickly because there might be a different reason why your husband wont talk about it and is trying to get you to drop it that you didn't think about. If I was in his situation, and you compared what I did, not meaning in any way to be harmful to you, as rape? Or got this dramatic? I might be quiet and sleeping in the other room too. But not cause I did something wrong, but because I was preparing to pack up my things and get the hell out of there before you accused me of something even worse. I think you may want to rethink this whole situation before pursuing it further. I am sure he has, and I would bet anything, sorry isn't running through his mind, but running......as far away as he can get.....is. Because that's kind of scary what you did, and it's a little bit nutty.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): This is not about you being a victim. This is an instance where you MADE YOURSELF A VICTIM. You have a nice husband who actually said he was sorry. Many men would have thrown you out the door for something so trivial and your wild reaction to it. Think about the good things you have. Don't dwell on this little crap. Like I said, you have a good husband who obviously respects your feelings or he would NOT have said he was sorry for that one. And lets see. You probably have a roof over your head, people who love you, your life, and days to come where you can either make them good or bad. You don't know how long you have, nobody does. So don't sweat the small stuff, and this is small stuff. Consider yourself lucky that you don't have a husband who beats you, or cancer or something like that. Live your life to it's fullest. And don't be a victim or a drama queen. Be a conqueror and make each and every day a blessing for yourself, those who love you and those around you. Look for negative and you will get negative. Look for positive and you will get positive. What kind of life do you want? It's your choice and every day you spend worrying about these little things is one more day wasted and one less day you have on this earth.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): oh my gosh. how awful! and it was so traumatic to you that you even threw up and had to stay in a separate room! I must say. I hope you intend on having a very very miserable existance, and if you need this much drama, a mental institution might be just the right place for you. You seem like a real nut job and I feel sorry for your husband. There. Now. You got some feedback here that could be taken as not nice and some that could be taken as positive in your direction. Which one are you going to feed on. The negative or the positive. By the way, the positive is, let this go. If this is the worst thing in your life your lucky. But something tells me your kind of a drama queen and you need to play the victim, so you will focus on all the ones who said it was like rape and become very upset about this one. Geez lady. What do you want out of life? Misery or happiness.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): oh my gosh. how awful! and it was so traumatic to you that you even threw up and had to stay in a separate room! I must say. I hope you intend on having a very very miserable existance, and if you need this much drama, a mental institution might be just the right place for you. You seem like a real nut job and I feel sorry for your husband. There. Now. You got some feedback here that could be taken as not nice and some that could be taken as positive in your direction. Which one are you going to feed on. The negative or the positive. By the way, the positive is, let this do. If this is the worst thing in your life your lucky. But something tells me your kind of a drama queen and you need to play the victim, so you will focus on all the ones who said it was like rape and become very upset about this one. Geez lady. What do you want out of life? Misery or happiness.
...............................
A
female
reader, holmar +, writes (17 July 2009):
Good grief. I like waking up to my boyfriend having sex with me. It's a nice way to wake up. He probably had no idea you would react that way. I am really surprised other people react this way about it. But I definately agree with those who said the following, "he is NOT a rapist". "He is the same good man you loved". "I am SURE he will NEVER do it again". "I think you overreacted". The sex between you is consentual anyway. Do you have to ASK every time you have sex? Whatever the case, he was NOT trying to hurt you. Please don't ruin a perfectly good marriage over something like this. If this was the worst thing that ever happened in your marriage, then you are ONE LUCKY GIRL. Again, chin up.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2009): Again I have to agree with quiet-echo. I am trying to imagine some scenario that could happen. Let's say that I cheat on my wife and she finds out. She is angry, but has no intention of leaving me over it, but wants to talk about why I did it. I can imagine not wanting to talk because I am afraid that she will leave me or because I am sorry that I did it and just want to forget what I did. Neither of us has ever cheated, but I can imagine that it would be harder to talk about it for the one who did than the one who was cheated on. That is why people who make mistakes in a relationship are reluctant to go to counseling. They are embarrassed and ashamed to admit that they have done something wrong. The one who is cheated on just wants to understand why. They have done nothing wrong and therefore have no reason to be embarrasses or ashamed.
I still think it is best that both of you talk about it at some time. Perhaps not right now. Maybe in a week or a month when he is confident that it will not ruin the relationship. I don't think that you should forget that it ever happened, as it bothers you. However, it will probably not solve anything to press him for an answer.
The next thing is why are you sleeping in separate rooms? I mean who's idea was that? Was it yours because you are angry or afraid that he will do it again or was it his idea? If you told him that you don't want to sleep with him then perhaps you could now tell him that you are less hurt by his actions and that you want to be with him. If it was his idea then just ask him to come to bed with you. From my own experience when my wife and I have been angry with each other over something, one person has to make the move to relieve the tension. If neither person says anything to resolve the problem then both will think that the other is fine with the situation. The real fact is probably that neither one is happy with the situation. I am guessing that is the case for both of you. Perhaps once the 2 of you are sleeping together then he will be more willing to discuss this problem.
What happened is not the worst thing that could have happened to you. You were sexually active together before he did this. Some women might like it and others, like you, consider it an invasion. Neither opinion is right or wrong. It just depends on how you think about things like this. Since you have no intention to leave or claim rape the only solution is to lessen the tension, while still intending to have a discussion with him at some time when he is a little more comfortable with it. That time is not while you are sleeping in separate beds and I assume not having sex.
I have another example of not wanting to talk about something. When my wife and I started dating she had a need to tell me about her past between the time that she left her first husband and dating me 3 years later. She was promiscuous for about a year or 2 and was not happy about that behavior. She told me the entire story and then wouldn't talk about it at all. It hurt her to talk about it and she wouldn't for many years. I have read questions about this same thing in this board before, where a woman wants a man to know about her past and then is too ashamed or guilty or embarrassed or whatever to talk about it. I think this is similar to your situation and how he feels.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionim not going to leave him or claim rape but i dont know how to resolve this problem at the moment there has been little communication about it and we seem to be carrying on as normal but sleeping seperate and not being affectionate to each other
when i tried to bring up this subject he looked hurt and told me he knew he was wrong and could we please drop the situation.
now what? shall i just forget it ever happened and try to trust it will never happen again.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2009): By the way, I don't think that what he did was right or that he should have done it or has a right to continue doing this. What I believe is that when something like this happens then the answer is not to just leave the person or to claim rape. It is an example of behavior that makes one partner feel bad or hurt in some way and a behavior that is a problem and needs to be resolved. There are many problems that crop up in a relationship and the answer is very seldom to leave or claim rape or assault. If the problem cannot be resolved after sufficient communication then leaving might be the proper response. It is seldom the proper response right from the start.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2009): Quiet-echo, thank you for that perspective. I do agree with you. While I have never had sex with any woman while she was sleeping, I do fondle my wife while she is sleeping. Sometimes she wakes and tells me to stop and sometimes she gets awake and enjoys it. It depends on how well she slept and if she wants to go back to sleep.
I sometimes wonder about the hypocrisy of some people. A couple of weeks ago a woman asked the question if people thought her boyfriend would like to wake up to her giving him a blow job. All the women said that would be great and that he would enjoy it. However, when some woman asks a question about her boyfriend fondling her while she is asleep, we get a pile of answers telling her to get him arrested for assault or to leave him. Why the double standard? My ex wife tried to give me a blow job and have sex while I was asleep one time. It was after we split and got back together for a while. By the answers here I guess I was raped. Didn't think so. Hmmm, double standard?
When something like this happens between 2 partners who are in a sexual relationship then the answer is to talk about it and come to a resolution. Some women might like this and some might hate it. Come to a resolution that would make both happy. From the number of women on this board who's answer to everything is to leave the guy, I consider myself so lucky to have dated the woman I have in the past and to have a wife who I can actually talk to and solve any problem that we have without either of us going spastic.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2009): This is not a response directly to the question raised, but more so to the discussion that has been provoked within the answers.I can see where quiet-echo is coming from. If I awoke one morning to find my boyfriend having sex with me, I wouldn't be alarmed or feel abused, but based on the kind of interaction, sex life and relationship we have - for me it'd be a great wake up call!There is a possibility it's just a kink he thought you might be into.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for all the advice given xwe have obviously spoken about that incident and he says he doesn't know why he did it just that hormones took over. i still feel it was wrong however I think I love him enough to get passed this im not sure if im crazy for staying with him as if it had been a friend and her boyfriend I would have said dump him straight away. we are sleeping in separate rooms and i still will not touch him or be affectionate towards him. im not sure what to do i outlined i thought he was wrong and he has promised never to do it again but what do i do now. learning to trust him again is going to be really hard. any advice on how to get passed this ? thank you everyone you really are helping this situation xx
...............................
A
female
reader, KiaGrace  +, writes (14 July 2009):
 Quiet-echo, I completely disagree with your advice. I don't know what world you live in, but when is it ever okay to have sex with someone without there consent? Just because you enjoy it, it makes its okay?
...............................
A
female
reader, rachhh  +, writes (14 July 2009):
 You say he is a good man and that he truely loves you. But if so, then he wouldn't violate oyu in this way!
You could confront him, tell him to stop and hear how he justifies doing this.
But to be honest, i would leave him right away.
You and your body are precious and sacred.
Good luck girl.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2009): You are never overreacting when you feel violated and weird around other people's behavior towards you. The only thing that takes for the real violation to take place is to feel violated. And I'm not refereing only sexually, sometimes people violate our privacy, rights, etc. Don't let anyone ever tell you how to feel. If you feel it wasnt' right then it wasn't, and you should stick to that feeling and claim respect.
First, I don't support premarital sex because it's a sin. Anyway, I think you have not established proper boundaries between you and your bf. Obviously he doesn't understand the seriousness of your health problem and it's thinking only about himself. It think you should talk to him as soon as possible so he would understand you feel very uncomfortable with the thing he did and how it has affected your confidence in him negatively. He WILL tell you a lot of excuses to defend his point that DON'T justify what he did. Don't fall for them, be strong. His "needs" cannot turn into your nightmare. Set rules between you two and keep them. Let him understand you are serious about them.
Eventually if he cannot conform to your new lifestyle dispose of him in the nearest trash can. I did it and I suffered a great deal because I still loved my boyfriend but it was worth it. My integrity and value as a person is more important than any man in the world.
...............................
A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (13 July 2009):
 no this isnt normal, usaully a guy doesnt just jump on u whilst ur sleeping and he's awake, and take advantage of u in a vulnerable position.
if u dont trust him how can u progress any further with this relationship?
i think if u think he's a good guy, give him a chance and talk to him about what happened.
see if u can reach a compromise regarding sex, becoz its obvious he cant be patient about it.
good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, RCK  +, writes (13 July 2009):
Dump him!!!! You never consented to it and your starting to make excuses for why he is doing this to you.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 July 2009):
 I tend not to use the word "normal" when describing behavior, particularly if it is sexual behavior. Let's just say that this is not right. I think both parties should consent to sex, and obviously your opinion, or your mood, or your ability to have sex is not taken in consideration. I wonder if this could even be dangerous for you.
I am afraid that asking him to stop won't do. Maybe you can sleep in a separate room, where he can't force himself on you? And, beyond that, tell him how much he is damaging the relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, KiaGrace +, writes (13 July 2009):
Your not overreacting at all, sex without your consent is considered rape! If this man really loved you, he would respect your body and wouldn't even put his hands anywhere he knew you wouldn't want him too.Your lack of sex drive is not an excuse for this. If he has such a problem with it, he should of talked to you about this and you could of both went to the doctor to ask your doctor if he could do anything to help this.Don't cause your heart any more grief by staying with this man. He has no respect for you what so ever. So kick him to the curb and call it a day. I am totally digusted as the lengths he went to have sex with you.Best wishesxx
...............................
A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (13 July 2009):
 Well i would say talk to him about it ask him why he didnt just ask you if you wanted to have sex maybe he thougth it wouldnt hurt and you wouldnt mind. really theres no excuse he should have asked you but hes only human he made a mistake its up to you to forgive him you gotta decide if the relationship is worth it men think about sex in a diffrent way then woman My first though would be to say i dont see what the big deal is you where having sex with him any way why should it matter if your sleep but i have to try to think from a female perspective and i would say when your awake you give him permission so he basically stole it. Now you habve to decide is he worth it i dont think your overeacting your body is yours and should only be entered when you give permission basically i would put that in the same category as rape, your bf probably doesnt see it that way just explain to him how you feel about it and try to move past it if you want to stay in the relationship im sure he wont do it again
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2009): just because hes with does not mean he can have sex with you when he feels. Hes disgusting im sorry, id be mortified if my bf did that to me, you have every right to feel violated. It is not normal, you should know that. My ex told me he touched my bum wen i was asleep and i went nuts didnt speak to him for days although that. I am not telling you to end its your decision but if a boy did that to me he'd be gone. He does not respect your health condition. I have a severe heart condition, had a tripple bipass and i know it is very tiring, ive fainted in skool and college and im on tablets that make me feel tired. I know that he should be more worried bout your health and making sure your ok not having sex with you when he feels like. If you can forgive him good on you but you have to think can you forgive him and make a decision. If thats love i wouldnt want it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2009): i think its wrong that someone is having sex with you in your sleep. unconsented so its classed as rape. i'd finish with him if i was you. if he loved u he'd understand about your condition
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2009): youre not over reacting and thats for sure ! he has no right to do such thing when youre asleep - unconcious. he should ask you first! so you should really talk about it with him . ask him why he did such a thing. and say it hurts or whatever to see how much he cares. let him know that its not right and you dont like it . he should let you know and agree first. take care and good luck .
...............................
|
