A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I just found out that my boyfriend went and had sex with a girl once when we broke up for only 2 days. Technically he didn't cheat but it feels like it. He never told me, I had to find out from another person months later. He told me he regretted it so much, he didn't think we were getting back together and he did it to try to get back at me. II was devastated and completely shocked when i found out, I almost felt like killing myself. This is someone I thought was my soulmate and how he could have sex with another girl right away hurt so bad. He stayed with me for 3 days while I cried and he just told me the whole time how much he loved me, how he didn't know I loved him so much, and I truly believe he loves me so much. But I know I can't be with him because now I will constantly be paranoid and insecure. I just recently heard they slept together more than once and had a serious panic attack. I finally asked her and she said it was only that once but I'm still paranoid...he could have asked her to say that. I believe he does love me but I know our relationship realistically just won't be good. I guess my question is, how do I get over someone that I love so much and loves me too? I feel like I don't know how much longer I can live like this :(
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female
reader, sammy1986  +, writes (12 August 2011):
i understand how hurt you must be feeling but if you stay with him this is how you are going to be feeling throughout the relationship he has made you lose all the trust you once had for him and without trust a relationship cannot go anywhere you will meet someone eventually who will make you forget all about him and who will treat you how you deserve to be treat
A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (12 August 2011):
You wrote
"I guess my question is, how do I get over someone that I love so much and loves me too? I feel like I don't know how much longer I can live like this :( "
And you know what? I/we forgot to address that specific issue.
So I will give you my standard recipe for getting over someone:
Its the direction of your ATTENTION that is causing you pain and it is the direction of your ATTENTION that will heal your pain.
Nothing sucks up your attention more than something that does not make sense. You don't have all the facts, you don't understand, you cannot accept that things happened the way that they did. You are mad, sad, and desperately trying to figure this out.
And if you try to stop thinking about it, it drives you even more crazy.
The solution? Simple (and I am stressing the word "simple". I am not going to use the words "easy" or "painless". I am not here to BS you).
So, first of all, go ahead and think about it. But when you think about it, think about what actually happened. Think about the real events, good and bad. Don't try to figure them out, just take a look at them, and that's all. Dwell on what you KNOW to be TRUE because you experienced it. Forget about suppositions, suspicions, speculations and all that. Yes, its said too many times, but truth can set you free.
Second, maybe you can't reduce the importance of this in your mind, but what you can do is make something that is more important in your mind and in your life. I don't recommend it being another man. Not yet. That just brings the loss of the last one back to you.
Now if you can't think of a passion in your life to replace the passion you lost, then at the very least clean things up:
1) If your stress over all this has caused you to leave your home messy, clean it up.
2) If you have been drinking, eating poorly, or otherwise not taking care of yourself, fix this now.
3) Make sure you are working hard, studying hard, or whatever it is you do and do it to your best abilities.
Throw away and/or return everything he gave you (what you return send to him in the mail or have a mutual friend bring to him. Part of this getting over him is NOT to have direct contact with him. Trust me, its not a good idea at all).
Spend time with friends and if you want to vent about your pain, do so. But don't make it into hours and hours of conversation. Its one thing to "unload a bit" but don't make that breakup the focus of your conversation.
Don't make your goal "get over him". Make the goal "be happy". To continually say to yourself "Got to get over him" just keeps him in your mind.
Do this dilligently and one day you will realize you don't think about him anymore, or you can think about him without being sad about it.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 August 2011):
 Oh my. Hold on here for a second.
Your boyfriend did make a grave error in this whole situation that I think most of those who answered you have failed to pick up on.
The error wasn't in the sleeping with someone else after you two had broken up. Technically, there was no cheating. The error, and it indeed IS a breach of trust to have committed it, was in not disclosing this fact when it came time to get back together.
This wasn't 2 years later. This wasn't 1 year later. This wasn't 3 months later. The sheets hadn't yet cooled from ther relationship. They were apart for only 2 days.
He put the OP at physical risk by not disclosing this relationship. Surely we are all aware of the risks of STI's and the overwhelming prevalence of herpes out there. Would everyone here feel the same way if he hadn't disclosed this to her, they continue their sexual relationship as if the breakup as though the sheets hadn't cooled, and 3 years down the line, they both contract genital sores and THEN the truth comes out? He had a moral and ethical obligation to disclose the sexual activity before resuming sex with her.
He also could have put her at financial risk had their relationship progressed to something permanent and his one-night-stand show up at their door with a son or daughter and a bill for 5 years of unpaid child support.
He had the right to have sex after they broke up. I even understand and sympathize with his explanation of not thinking that they'd get back together for doing so. The fact that he used another woman to get back at his girlfriend shows a great deal of immaturity as well as his hiding the fact from his girlfriend that he had been sexually active.
I would suggest ending this relationship with this guy. Not because he had sex 2 days after a breakup, but because his reasons for doing so (getting back at you), as well as his putting your health at risk by not disclosing it, show some very disturbing traits that speak right to his character and integrity. Think these things aren't important? They sure as hell are, and in my opinion should be a deal breaker. The guy didn't cheat on you. However, your feelings are valid and shouldn't be dismissed.
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A
female
reader, hannah76 +, writes (12 August 2011):
 Two days was like lightning to sleep with another girl. He obviously had it in his mind before you broke up. You have a loss of trust and this affects you. So, you will not be happy staying with him. Ther pain of leaving or the pain of staying. Which is greater?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 August 2011):
 you were broken up he did not cheat on you and owes you no explanation for something he did while you were not a couple.
IF you can't trust him and get past it then as a favor to him let him go...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2011): I disagree. He hasn't done anything wrong. The problem is with you. If you are so badly affected by this and you cannot bring yourself to believe him then you will have to end it and move on. But... really, you need to then figure out why you are so insecure.
He didn't cheat on you. You were broken up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2011): Me and my boyfriend had little breaks too and I don't think he cheated on me but if he did I wouldn't be able to be with him again either.How can you really be in love with someone yet go and sleep with another person straight away? So what if you are 'single' he should be so upset and torn apart he wouldn't even want look at another woman.Now if he does really love you and knew he would get back with you anyway, maybe he saw this break as a chance to get his leg over so to speak. Again showing what a great guy he is-not.Find another guy, this one obviously does nor care.
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A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (12 August 2011):
What's really going on here is the "How could you have ever possibly loved me if you slept with someone so quickly after we broke up" sort of thinking.
You wanted to feel that you were so valuable to him that he would be so devastated about breaking up with you that he would take years to recover and could not possibly ever ever ever sleep with another woman. You wanted him to ever be at your disposal should you have decided to get back together with him. Whether you stay with him or not, you need to look at YOUR intent in this matter. And I want to let you know that if anything even close to what I am describing was going through your mind, that that sort of thinking is nothing but hostile.
He shouldn't have hid it from you and he shouldn't have to either. It was his right to do what he did, but also, if you sleep with someone, I do think you should be allowed to know their sexual history.
You feel the way you feel whether its right or wrong. So if you can't deal with it, move on. Not everything about how someone feels has to make sense, but you do have to emotionally protect yourself to some degree.
The really immature thing is that even though you had broken up, he did it to get back at you. This speaks volumes about his character. So it really was about you. THAT is what is wrong, his reason for doing it. Not to mention that he USED someone. That says a lot about him too.
You know, if he were smarter he would have just told you that he found her attractive and liked her and left the stupid "getting back at you" out of it, especially if you got involved again and he is now supposedly NOT trying to hurt you. He can at least keep malicious thoughts like that private, especially if its in the past.
The only hope you guys have is addressing his ill intentions of getting back at you, and your ill intentions of trying to control his life when you don't have the right.
I'm not holding my breath on this one, though.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (12 August 2011):
 The trust in your relationship is basically all gone, so there's no point dragging it out. You might love him and he might love you, but where does it all stand if you dont trust him and never will? No matter what he says or does, you will keep doubting him. Like you said, you dont even fully believe what the other girl said about just that one time, because you think that your BF might have asked her to say that.
You know that your relationship will never be good and you have no option OP, but to put this behind you and move away from this guy. Objectively speaking, he hasnt really cheated on you, he did it while you were broken up. But I know that it is something very difficult to accept. More so because you know YOU would never have done it.
In a situation like this, when one person sleeps with someone else so easily after a break up, while the other person is still trying to deal with the pain, at some level (I believe) it shows what the relationship meant to both of them. A relationship might be over, but it takes a while to accept someone else, especially if it was a deep, meaningful relationship that one has left behind. The fact that he gave himself to someone else that easily, shows you something about him. Is that his way of dealing with a break-up? Is that how he would address messy situations? Agreed he didnt cheat on you, but then why did he get back with you? And this is his way of getting BACK at you??!! Sure he "won",but what did he get out of it?
You dont have to live with this any longer because for one thing its not your problem and also, its all in your hands.Dont put yourself through this anymore. Walk out of it before it gets any dirtier. You havent done anything wrong, and you have nothing to feel bad about.
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A
male
reader, soon567 +, writes (12 August 2011):
ok, first you need to recognize what happe. If someone profess their love to you or want to be with you then turn and sleep with another; their a cheater and will always be one. Every chance he gets to cheat, they will. 2.) never believe it happens only once, people think that sounds better for some reason. 3.) only speak for yourself and no one else, you love him and you assumes that he loves you-do you
really believes he love you as he was humping her. I'll bet you was no where in his mind period. I bet if he could or has slept with one as you were together. If you keep this relationship and i'll assume that you will, make sure you use condoms with this guy because he can easily transfer an STI to you. Youre in a high risk relationship and you need to recognize that to keep urself safe. 3.) No one can tell you what's you consider cheating but you. This is a cheating man to you and your taking it as such, now let this go then find a man who would respect you and your body. When he came back to you and did confess the extra sex; He basically said im in this for me, you means less to me then you think. Now go ahead and Dear John that cheater, dont worry, He'll be humping another one within a few weeks.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (12 August 2011):
Hi there. When this sex happened, you weren't even together - you were broken up. You had no control over his life at that point in time.
He wasn't to know then, that it was going to be on with you again at all, did he? He probably thought it was the end with you and him.
If he didn't cheat on you while he was with you, and it only happened once you broke up, then what is the problem with that? He was a free agent at the time, wasn't he? At that time, he had no allegiance to you whatsoever, because it was over.
You could have done the same thing yourself, couldn't you?
In actual fact, it was none of your business whatsoever - once you and him were no longer together. You were both free agents, to do whatever you pleased with your own individual lives.
Really, the simple answer to the question about how do you get over this, is to just move on.
As it does seem to be a serious issue for you and you can't stop thinking about it now and are preoccupied about it wondering if you can ever trust him again, well then you will just have to call it quits, once and for all.
If you tried to ignore it, eventually it would raise it's head again and you'd be forced to think about it all over again. You would be reminded. You're never going to forget it, so it is a case of accepting it or not. It really does come down to that.
If you can't accept it and move on from it, you have no other choice but to end it and move on without him.
The fact is you can't change history. It is what it is, and that's all there is to it.
The main problem you are facing now, is you believe that you can't trust him ever again. If you can learn to trust him, well then in time, you will move on from this and be happy together once again.
If you do decide to end your relationship with him now, I suggest that you don't enter into another relationship for a few months, until you really feel that you are ready to get emotionally involved once more.
You will know when that time is.
For now though, you need your own space to grow from this experience - and learn from it.
In any relationship, there must be trust, otherwise you won't be happy and it will not last.
So for future reference, you have to trust completely, unless a man ever gives you any reason not to.
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