A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a boyfriend who is really into a certain sexual act. I wont divulge too much because of the ages of some on this site. That being said, due to his size, this act is extremely painful and I don't like it.The problem is, he does like it, regularly asks for it, and occasionally threatens me with it and/ or does it anyway.I do my best to please him in other ways, but there is still this interest in the forbidden fruit as it were. Is there anything I can do to dissuade him? I am happy to provide more information to users above the age of 18 by private email if needed, but obviously I can only say so much here.And while many of you would say 'leave him' this is not really an option in this case.Thanks for reading, I hope you can help! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 September 2012):
 LEAVE him, honey.
There is no respect, love from him. NONE
A guy who does this to his partner doesn't love her ONE BIT.
WHY stay with him? Why ALLOW this?
Obviously, you must be getting something out of the relationship or you would leave? right?
There is no MAGIC cure for a guy like yours, he is an abuser and you.... are an enabler.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (18 September 2012):
 If you don't want to leave him and you are uncomfortable with the act, what options do you have left with you? He is abusing you, yes, this is abuse and if he forces himself on you without your consent then it is rape. Dont be mistaken about the fact that rape cannot occur between consenting sexual partners, it absolutely can when one person doesnt want something and it is forced upon them by the other person.
Refuse to give in and threaten to call the police if he continues. As Tisha says, one night in jail with a bigger guy as a cell mate, will show him what its like to be on the receiving end of a very unpleasant, unwelcome sexual act.
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (17 September 2012):
 If you think leaving a rapist is not an option, you're suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. Leaving a rapist is the only thing to do. And yes, preferably reporting him.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (17 September 2012):
There is always a choice, OP. Even if your circumstances/his manipulations make the option of staying with him more appealing, there is ALWAYS a choice. The only thing that's holding you back is yourself. If he's threatening you, you can call the cops because even if you're his girlfriend, forcing you to do a sexual act you don't want to do is still called rape. Whatever prison he's constructed around your mind are his words, not truth. You have to get away from him and fast. If your family and friends can't help you, at least get in touch with the women's aid hotline for the uk, here: 0808 2000 247. It's a free number and is available 24/7.
The following link has a domestic violence survey and your post alone ticks enough boxes to suggest that you are a victim of this:
- http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100310004
Also, read this:
- http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100310006
Please be safe, OP. Your boyfriend is bad news.
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A
male
reader, Hennessy1989 +, writes (17 September 2012):
 If he threatens you with anything sexual then that is abuse, when you say leaving is not an option then your obviously in a more complicated situation than you have explained, without more details it is hard to give more help than the 'just leave him' answer, feel free to message with more details, I'd be happy to offer more help
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 September 2012):
 You can't leave an abuser? Because that is precisely what he is.
Scream your head off the next time he tries it and maybe a concerned neighbor will call the police so he can deal with what should be the consequences of his actions.
A night in jail with a really big guy as a cellmate might introduce him to the fact that certain sex acts do really hurt if you are unwilling and not ready to receive them.
Why are you so powerless in this situation? Do you have a family history of abuse?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 September 2012):
 Keep a nickel between those knees until leaving him IS an option. Then do it. You are staying with a rapist otherwise.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 September 2012):
 he threatens you with it? THAT'S ABUSE
he does it without your consent? THAT'S RAPE
I'm going to assume it's anal sex as so many younger men think it's the be all to end all...
IF I'm accurate then I will suggest what you can do in lieu of telling the abusive idiot to take a long walk off a short pier... (because if he can't respect you in the bedroom where can he respect you and treat you properly)
IF it was me, I'd stop at the "adult toy store" as we call it... and pick up a strap on that is about the size he is when fully erect.. or even slightly smaller.... no sense in DRIVING HOME YOUR POINT to much...
when he asks for it say "sure baby" and smile.. let me go prepare for it... slip into the bathroom strap it on.. LUBE IT UP VERY WELL with ANAL-EZE that provides a slight numbing agent... and swagger out of the bathroom and say
"i'm ready for ANAL assume the position"
and see what happens....
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (17 September 2012):
 Well you should leave him. There is no way it isn't an option at all, you are in for a rough future with this man as he obviously doesnt care about your feelings at all. He is far more interested in his enjoyment even though it causes you great pain. Selfish and despicable and abusive. You can't dissuade him, you have already told him how you feel and he threatens anyway. There isn't any dissuading someone who is abusive and cares only for themselves. Since I assume this is anal sex you are referring to you could bring up the same act and doing it to him since he's so keen on it. But I'm sure he will just say no and the same behavior will continue. If you want someone who cares about you and won't do this then you need someone else because he's not it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2012): If you can't leave him, you need to help him realise that his actions are unacceptable.
He has no respect for you, your feelings or your health. I personally wouldn't give him the time of day.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2012): Regardless of what it is, the fact remains that you don't like it and it's painful.
That should be enough for someone who cares about you not to do it. The fact that he sometimes threatens you with it or does it anyway is toxic.
I'm not sure why you can't leave, but if he's forcing you to do things that you don't like, I can't see any good coming of this relationship.
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A
female
reader, Kay-Way +, writes (17 September 2012):
 You need to put your foot down and tell him no. A proper boyfriend would never threaten to do this to you sexually and then do it even though you said no.
May I ask why leaving him isn't an option?
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