A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for 14 years. We have three children (age 13, 11 and 10). Our 10 year-old is a special needs child with autism. Before my husband and I got married we talked about a future in which I would work and he would take care of the kids. This has happened as for the last 10 years I have worked as a freelance writer and my husband has been a stay-at-home dad.Although we have had various challenges in our marriage, a recurring argument has begun over the last four years. As our children grow older and become more independent, my husband continues to do less around the house. I have become frustrated with the situation because in order to keep things running financially, I often have to work 7 days a week. The argument culminated this summer when I was worked three months straight without a day off and my husband lounged on the couch watching movies while our children were at camp. I have told him that he needs to consider employment. He says he wants to but he needs me to help him. Please understand, my husband has two Masters Degrees and is capable of finding employment.The employment issue appears to be masking other issues in our relationship. My husband says that he is dependent on me for everything and to some degree he is right. Over the last 10 years, our relationship has evolved into me making the decisions. Trust me, I would love it if my husband did more of this stuff but if I didn’t make decisions no one in this marriage would. The thing is that my husband has become so codependent that in addition to working 7 days a week and taking care of children, he expects me to help him find work.I realize now that over the course of the last 10 years, I have grown more independent and, as a result, do not feel as if I need him anymore. When I try to tell him that I feel this way, he becomes emotionally abusive. He threatens to kill himself if I leave and he becomes histrionic in front of the children. I feel as if I am being emotionally blackmailed into a relationship that I no longer want. It’s fueling resentment and I told him yesterday that I hated him. He believes that once I calm down everything will be ok. The only reason things have been ok for so long is because I have been pretending that I am happy. I have told him this and he just continues to ignore it until I can stuff it all back in again.I feel like such a jerk because everyone always tells me how lucky I am to have a guy that cares so much about the children. I recognize that he is a loving and caring person. However, I just do not feel compatible with him anymore. I don’t want to leave my home or my children, but I can’t get him to realize that this marriage is over (at least in my mind). How do I get him to go? How do I get him to accept this? How can I move on when he refuses to accept that the marriage is over?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can't thank all of you enough for putting this into perspective for me. I have been so mired in my own anger and depression for so long that I really needed someone to give me a different perspective on this problem. I guess that's why I posted. I'm not sure that I want to move forward with him, but I know that I need to seek help so that I can figure out how to cope. Couples therapy is a great idea. I just need to work on summoning my own courage to work constructively in this process with him. I know that being a single parent would be difficult and I have thought about it many times.Clearly, there is more than one way to solve this problem. I just need to find the strength to do it. The perspective has been so helpful and I really do appreciate the time that was taken to respond to this post. It's really affirming to know that people actually want to help.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (18 September 2012):
 Sounds like your husband needs to man up, grow a pair, and start helping out around the house and with finding some sort of work. I know I'd feel guilty if I knew my wife was working as hard as you and I wasn't able to contribute anything.
To make matters worse, he is blackmailing you emotionally by claiming he'll kill himself if you leave him. Most people who claim this routine rarely go through with the action.
I would encourage you as a couple to seek counseling. If he doesn't go, I'd urge you to go solo. There may be something that is wrong with your line of communication that the therapist may be able to uncover. They may also give you the appropriate tools to work within your husband's lifestyle. In addition, you may want to read "Woman Power" by Dr Laura Schlessinger as she shows how to use your power as a woman to get what you want out of marriage.
Also, keep in mind that your husband may be doing something around the house and that being a single mother of 3 children might be a bigger challenge than you'd think. You'd be in charge of raising your children AND being financially in charge of everything. Also, although rare, you may be forced to pay alimony / spousal support to your husband since you are the bread winner (check with your attorney).
Hopefully you'll examine all your options before saying adios to this dysfunctional relationship. But if you are REALLY certain that you are "done" then I think by serving him divorce papers and moving out should be enough of a wake up call for him to realize that you mean business.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 September 2012):
 I'd echo what SVC suggested, about finding counseling. I'd also suggest that you think about him as having a medical condition, such as depression. Get him to the doctors, have him evaluated and see if there is therapy available to him to become mentally balanced again.
I doubt he's enjoying lazing around the house feeling like a loser and terrified of life so much that he doesn't know where to start. Threatening suicide and terrifying the children isn't a good thing either.
Summon up some last bit of compassion and get him some medical help. If he's living in depression and in denial that you are done with the marriage, then he really needs it.
Emotional abuse and suicide blackmail are not okay and should not be ignored, either. I have a hotline/help site for you to find local help in dealing with this: http://www.thehotline.org
Additionally, as you have to factor in the needs of your child with autism, I'm sure you are aware of this organization http://www.autismspeaks.org/family-services/resource-guide which may be able to offer help to you as well as you try to help your family.
Best wishes to you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 September 2012):
 would you two consider counseling? if he would make some changes would you want to stay or do you just want out?
and your husband needs to get with a job coach of some sort and help him figure out how to find some work...
if you don't want to leave your home or your children and you want him to move out... who will care for the kids? and how will they react to their primary caretaker leaving?
if your heart is set on ending the marriage I would suggest you move out and leave him in the family home with the children..figure out your child support payments and your spousal support (he will get it as he's been a SAHD for all these years and you supported him) until he finds a job (I was given either 1 year or employment whichever came first)
but i'm thinking that it's salvageable with some counseling and job coaching
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