A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi, What do I do if my boyfriend (Who is an adult.) was never been taught anything about woman/Being in a romantic relationship/ Has never had any experience in a relationship?Details:(Dating for 5 months, I'm his first relationship) My boyfriend (24) is super sweet, adorable, geek, super-nerd, our favorite way I gues to show that we care for each other is by spending time together. he's also a big gamer, spontaneous and has never been a relationship before. Don't get me wrong I absolutely adore him and does in return. However, there are somethings that I wonder if this just guy thing? Or if he was just never taught the basic life skills from his parents? I probably shouldn't say that his parents are wonderful people. For example, he doesn't really plan dates or knows how to, his answer to a lot of things, including how he feels about things is I don't know. His hygiene can be terrible... it's not that he forgets, or investment necessarily all the time....laziness, He doesn't always shower and just last week I caught him picking his nose and eating his booger and he did it several times. On special occasions, he doesn't really dress up for me, nor goes out his way to buy me gift like on Christmas, when I got him a really nice gift, not that I really need that one, but it would be nice. But what drives me insane the most is that his communication lacks or if I talk to him about it, then it comes and goes, for example over the holidays we couldn't see each other since I live a few states away, for a little over a month. If I hadn't called him I wonder if he would have even remembered that I was there. I get it he's a geek He got a new game, but I'm a geek as well. I get it! But he could have at least come up for air and answered my text, (He's not the best at answering text) or said hi how are you, or Happy New Year! I have confronted him about some of the stuff before. Such as the communication I told him that really hurts me when I don't hear from him not that it has to be every day, but you could at least text hey hows your day. He claims he's not a big talker. on the bright some stuff, he really has gotten better at some things like the phone at dinner agreement though I may have to ask every once in a while since it is a newer agreement. Ok I know this sounds like a really unhealthy relationship, but he's not a bad guy I know he thinks of me, he just doesn't say things that display it all the time. He just never voices anything deep or stuff like he claims or will answer me sheepishly sorry I'm not really the best when it comes to this stuff (text messages), We both want this relationship, but I don't know how to go about some of this, its embarrassing to ask, and it's not like I want to change him, I love him for who he is. I'm willing to be patent and guide if I must but at the same time I don't want to mommy him nor do I want him back into his shell if I get on to him about something so minor. I'm a hopeless romantic and I get the guys on Hallmark don't exist. Is it wrong that I want a little bit more? Does this make me clingy? What should I do?
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female
reader, linmuir  +, writes (4 February 2020):
Your boyfriend has a major issue with planning and this can be linked to several conditions on the autism spectrum or related to it: Autism, ADHD, Dyspraxia and Auditory Dyslexia.
I don't just mean planning big things like holidays or moving home, but the kind of day to day, very low level, moment to moment planning that for most of us is so woven into our lives that we don't even think about it. For someone with the above conditions, even the most low level planning that involves 2 people other than only 1 person (himself) will put even more of a strain on his mental resources:
Planning to have a shower.
Planning to wear something nice.
Planning an even simple date somewhere.
Planning that involves thinking about two people rather than one - for example, planning to send a text message or planning to call.
Planning not to eat boogers but to have a handkerchief or tissue instead.
Planning what words to say to create sentences
Planning what words to say that involve creating engaging sentences to share with another person.
Men with any of these disorders usually gravitate towards a woman who either is or can be moulded into the 'mothering' type who will do all the planning on their behalf and who will also end up processing all of the emotional stuff that goes along with this planning - you will either already be taking the lead in small ways (texting first, calling first) or he will slowly and steadily ensure you do increasingly take the lead. It's not so much that you will end up feeling like the mother figure but more like the father figure - your sense of femininity and womanliness actually gets eradicated, bit by bit, day by day, even if you manage to have a good sex life: you will be expected to be the 'man' and the 'protector' because he just won't be up to it.
Of course, at this early stage, it will seem adorable, fun, spontaneous etc because men with these conditions - one or all of the conditions - are basically very childlike and that can be very endearing. But you will very quickly start to feel responsible for him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2020): Girl, you are just wasting your time with this boy. He certainly is not a man. He cannot plan a date? He lets himself develope BO? He picks his nose and eats his nose nuggets? Communication is the second most important thing in any relationship, with love being the most important, but love without good two way communication, cannot hold two people together romanticly! I mean none of us can read minds! He may be a nice guy. His parents may be great folks but they sure did your bf any favors with the way the raised him! Let me ask, is he mentally challenged? Is he perhaps autistic? He sounds like nothing matters to him, except for what he is doing, at the moment. If he was taught things like hygeine, he did not retain it, or just said f@ck it. If he had any interest in improving himself, or learning to be a caring individual for a gf, a nerd/geek could Google any topic, to find endless helpful sources. Whatever his deal is, he is too self absorbed to be good bf material. Sorry, but let him go! I wish you well!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (31 January 2020):
 So what is it about him that attracts you?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 January 2020):
 I agree with Code Warrior.
It sounds like a mix between immaturity and laziness. I think (regardless of what your parents taught you) that most people have a wish/desire to make an effort to make their partner's face light up. My husband is NOT a romantic person, and neither am I but he still occasionally do little things that is meant to cheer me up, and I do the same for him. And I know my husband DID not learn that from his parents at all. Little gestures, hygiene, consideration is not something that is ONLY taught by parents. It's something EVERY ONE of us, figure out as we grow.
Who DOESN'T shower before going to work? Or when they have a partner come over? Especially this early in the relationship? He should still want to "low-key" impress you - as in show you THAT he IS a good match for you.
If you WANT to be with this guy you have to take him as he is. That doesn't mean you can't ENCOURAGE little changes. Like he suggest, start with the hygiene. If he can figure that out, maybe there is a chance that he will understand that HE has to make an effort and an investment in the relationship.
IF he can't "get" that... Then maybe he just really isn't the right guy for you.
Personally, I too, would NOT continue to date him. I would not want to HAVE to "fix" a guy so he was "up to code" in order to date him.
He is lazy but I also think he immature. HE needs to grow up, you CAN'T do that for him.
You can care for someone deeply and NOT be a good fit.
You have SUCH a long laundry list of things that isn't working for you. How long does the list have to be before you say, OK this is just not what I want in a partner?
The things you mention aren't little things.
Take hygiene.
Does he change his sheets? Does he make his bed? Does he pick up his bedroom/place when you get there? Is his bathroom clean? Does he wash his clothes? brush his teeth?
If he at 25 doesn't even TAKE the 10 minutes to shower when he knows you come over, can you then imagine down the line living with him? *shudders*
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (31 January 2020):
 I guess I will be saying this till I am blue in the face but it truly is true. People change because THEY want to not because someone wants them to. Your boyfriend is the way he is. You can try to change him, nudge him, encourage him but will he change? Who knows. Most people don't change because its hard work, its annoying and they usually don't feel that its worth the bother.
Your boyfriend may not have been taught certain things about hygiene growing up? Or he's just lazy. I don't know. Do you want to put up with his lack of talking to you? Lack of hygiene? Hope he gets it together? Only you can answer that.
Men by nature aren't as romantic as women although some men really have it down pat and do know what women like and want. Is he a good guy? Is he worth the trouble? Long distance doesn't help matters at all and the fact that he can "forget" you doesn't sound so great. I have been in LDR and the man called me several times every day. He never needed to be coaxed or reminded.
Its up to you OP. How much are you willing to put up with?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (31 January 2020):
 He may not know what is expected in a relationship but he must surely know he needs to wash every day and not pick and eat his boogies in public.
Would you buy a second hand car that was red instead of white (the colour you wanted), an estate instead of the hatchback you wanted and diesel fueled instead of petrol and then go about changing all these things? Of course not because you have the option to get what you want in the first place. Also, if you did change all these things, the original red paint would always come through if you gave the car a scratch, the shape would never seem quite right, etc Add to this the expense and effort required to carry out the changes and you know it is complete nonsense, so why would trying to change a PERSON be any more sensible or worthwhile?
He doesn't even live near you so distance is a problem as well.
This guy doesn't NEED a relationship with a live human being. He has one with his gaming station which doesn't demand he acts like an adult.
You have two choice: accept him as he is and that his growth is going to be minimal, or walk away. I know which I would do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2020): [EDIT]: Typo corrections
"He doesn't have a personality, he has an avatar!"
"Teaching him manners, hygiene, proper etiquette around people; and how to connect like a human being with things in the world of reality."
"You don't find the boyfriend, and then try to add qualities he doesn't possess; in a futile attempt to give him a makeover as a human being to suit your needs!"
P.S.
He isn't going to allow himself to be your makeover-project.
I love nerds, some of the hottest guys I know are nerds...me too! There are some guys who just missed that phase in life where they learn to socialize, meet girls, and mingle in mainstream society. They are a clique, and they're more comfortable with their own kind. They seldom change their ways; and if you're unfortunate enough to get a guy with bad hygiene, that's even worse! You'll have to constantly nag him and compete with his latest new video game.
This is sickeningly cliche, but...sweetheart, you can do better!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2020): Best solution? DUMP HIM!!!
Sorry, but the guy has no social-skills; and he is definitely not boyfriend-material!
Girlfriend, you surely cannot be serious!!!
He suffers from acute arrested-development that is completely off the charts!
Mentally, he fluctuates between a toddler and a 12 year-old! It seems he must have spent most of his teens in a dark room! Letting life pass him by; while he grew-up until his 20's, in his parent's basement. Life was spent entirely in his room, connected to a gaming console, and eyes glued to an HD screen!
How can you possibly say a booger-eating man-boy with body-odor is sweet? The dude doesn't wash, which means he doesn't change his socks and underwear!!! How totally gross is that???
My dear, please forgive my frankness. You don't make guys like that your boyfriend. They make fine remote gaming-buddies; that you don't actually share the same room with. You congregate with other gamers online! He's okay as a friend, he is not ready for romance!
You would have to raise him like a child. Teaching him manners, hygiene, proper etiquette around people; and how to connect like a human being with things in world of reality. You attached your feelings to him, for whatever reason. Now you want to change him? He doesn't have a personality, he's has an avatar!
This is how life works. You find a boyfriend already possessing the traits, character, and attributes that you want in a guy! You don't find the boyfriend; and then try to add qualities he doesn't possess; in a futile attempt to give him a makeover as a human being to suit your needs!
He's disgusting; but he's still a nice person. He should be friend-zoned. I just can't imagine kissing someone in the mouth who eats boogers! Nor having sex with a body that hasn't been showered for days!!! I'm used to grossness, I worked with patients in a hospital and clinic. Nothing really freaks me out. Seriously though?!!
Look at your post! The whole story just tells you he's the wrong-guy! Nothing short of dumping him in a vat of disinfectant, and reprogramming him mentally is going to make him into a suitable boyfriend.
He may even have Asperger's Syndrome or autism; and he's doing the best he can. That may mean you have to take him as he is, or leave him!
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