A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i met a guy a year ago, we clicked instantly,then i found out he was part owner of were i worked and was kinda my manager as well, i had no idea at the time, and had made a pass at him ...he responded , but not a full on response.because of his position at work, iv never done anything, but we have both always flirted with every chance we get .he asked me if i wanted to go to another place he ran on night , i thought nothing of it at first , when we got there , he helped out with the work that needed doing and every chance he got , he gave me a saucy look, we went in to a dark room together with his hands firmly around my waist so he could show me the stock ,and yes, thats all that happened lol,we went out on a staff night out , and again, more suggestive saucy looks, we worked together yesterday and when he was showing me around the new place, rather than his hands on my waist , they were on my bum (this i really dont mind).so i know theres a spark between us, no one can say there isnt ,we went out together saturday night aswel, it was kinda like a formal date ?? i think lolthen i kissed him last night , it was amazing ...our hands were everywere, we didnt go any further than that though,but afterwards he said he didnt want to actually kiss as it forms a 'bond' between ppl and he doesnt want it to go noticed in work due to his position,i really like him, and it may sound selfish, but i love the way i feel after being around him,iv knocked back a few guys cause of the way i feel about him..and we talk a lot and get on well, but theres a strong sexual attraction ...so i dont think its ever going to be just friends?the main problem is , he's twice my age,and married with a son aswel as my boss/manager.it may sound like im making excuses, but his marrige has been going down hill for a long time, but hes keeping at it for his 2yr old son cause thats the most important thing in the world,hes onlt moved back in to his family home a few weeks ago,he says its not fair on his family if we enter a sexual relationship , but also that its not fair on me....i think the main thing i want to know is....cause of the way i feel about him, do i see what happens between us , wait to see what happens with his marrige, or just forget about him?i know i probably know the right answer but , guys this sweet and considerate dont come along that often...i dont know what to do cause i cant get him out of my head .....hes like a drug im addicted to lol xx
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female
reader, ready2bolt  +, writes (22 August 2008):
Kudos to you for being smart about this. If he is having troubles at home, trust me, you won't be the answer to his troubles - nor would this relationship escalating to a sexual one be the way to get yourself a "good" man. A "good" man doesn't cheat on his wife - plain and simple. People can be attracted to each other - that is normal - but crossing the line when you know you are in the wrong means you have lost your integrity. A lot of married guys won't leave their wives for a fling. Talk to someone who can help you diffuse the mystery in this situation - that will help take the steam off this - the fantasy is almost always better than the reality.
By the way - I would love to chat with anonymous -- my husband may be having an affair with a co-worker in a situation almost identical to the one she mentioned. Wouldn't it be hilarious if we were talking about the same man? The odds are pretty slim, but maybe the two of us can actually help each other out!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): Omg..... I have the EXACT I MEAN EXACT SAME problem...i Like hes my boss.. hes twice my age... i am 20 and he just turned 39... my boss is also like a drug im addicted to lol... this is soo werid.. casue i wanted to know... the exactly same thing...i wanted to know.if it was okay to date a older guy... the diffrence with my boss is... hes already divorce and has 3 kids tho.. he loves his kids very much.... but he has nothing to do with his X wife. she cheated on him and left him for a new guy... I honestly think i am falling in love with him. Since after he asked me out.. i Bin thinking about this crazy.. casue hes also my dads boss.. and my dad always hated him ever since he started working. Its really confusing.. casue this boss of mine also dated my cousin last year and they broke up within a month, cause my cousin is a player and she left him for another guy.. she was 18 back then and he was 38.. but he looks nothing like 38.. He looks like hes 30...or even younger... He has superrrrrrr sexy body... and his hair is just killing... his arms are just too attractive as well.. he smells awsome.. and everything...sorrryyy.... i totaly forgot about your issue.. i think you should just.. go out with him.... man... he doesnt even love his wife.. if u guys reall love each other thats all it matters.... i dont follow your heart i guess. casue thats what i am gana do... I never fell in loved with his age.. or his race,culture.. etc etc.. i fel in HIM... and thats all it matter.. and dont 4 get.. age is just a number... let me know wat happens..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2008): I'm glad that you found the answer to your problem and something click and made you think twice. It's great when people work out their problems, I'm glad that everything has worked out well for you in this situation... Blessings
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok, i made the mistake of not ending it when i could of, made things so much harder, but the realisation on both parts made us stop, we now work together professionaly as once before, there are no longer any seductive looks flying across work, we never had sex, on the preference of both parts.
my job has not been lost, not my self respect/ dignity, as was asked, whats goin on to make me feel like this was an answer,
as much as anythin was goin on, it was just a childish infactuation , with real feelings, for something that could never wholelly be mine , once that was reaslised, everything got sorted out in a mature way !
thanks for all your advice, comments, slaps acroos the face lol
thanks !
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): "I tried, I really did, but, I couldnt do it" ..... It seems you have less control over this situation than you think. If he's ready to divorce his wife, he should be busy leaving the family home. Before long you will find yourself sleeping with this married man and there is every indication that he will not divorce his wife. His wife knows, he probably does this all the time, it dosen't mean he won't go back to her and it dosen't mean he isn't sleeping with her. You are probably a long line of young employees with whom he wants to have sex. I would finish this relationship untill you are clear that he no longer has a relationship with his wife. Wait untill he leaves the family home.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 July 2008):
 So he is not living in the same house with his wife?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni tried, i really did, but,
i couldnt do it , we kissed again, he spent the night over at my place , we never had sex but we had a fool around, his "wife" rang him in the morning asked were he was and if he could pick something up on the way, he told he was at mine, he told her the truth, there were no arguments on the phone , she didnt sound suprised,she just asked what time he could pick whatever it was up.
so he hasnt been lying to me or her, hes not been seeing us both , they arent together...
and really, anythin i have done that i felt bad for , wasnt really wrong at all.....
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A
female
reader, done it  +, writes (4 July 2008):
Do you ever wonder if maybe he has done this before. I mean if he was a novice to chatting up the staff, he probably wouldn't be so cool? He seems to me like maybe he has slept with other employees. I wonder if when he had gotten what he wanted, if he fired them as well? It could cost you the job and he may put you down to protect himself from his wife finding out. As for that "my wife doesn't understand me" that is actually as old as the hills. They have been using that line for donkeys years. My advice: Don't be a mug. Get on with your job, go out and meet someone more available. there are other men out there who will be as equally attractive to you and available.
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (3 July 2008):
 Hey again, I'm glad my post was able to give you some food for thought - you'd be surprised how things are all 'linked' sometimes! I really hope you can do as you say and take a step back - sounds like you need to spend some time focusing on yourself.
I hope things settle for you soon - and if this guy is meant to be in your life...who knows what will happen in the future.
Take care - and remember, there are always aunts and uncles here to talk to!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionpashanoodle, you gave some sound reasoning in that last post, you are right , there is a hell of a lot going on at the moment , i didnt realise it could have an affect on my 'love life'
how ever hardf i may think it is at the moment, im just gonna take a step back from it , its obviously not many ppl that agree with affairs and if hes getin divorced we would have to spend some time apart any ways so he can come to terrms with everythin ..........
thanks guys .....x
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle +, writes (2 July 2008):
Hi again,
I asked about what is going on in your life to make you even consider an affair with a married man...because I feel that there must be something 'not quite right' for you to be in such a vulnerable position.... and maybe making choices you might not if you felt stronger.
There would be very few people out there who would be totally conscience/guilt free about messing around with someone elses spouse...and yet affairs happen every day of the week. Why? What happens to erode the 'usual' morals?? There are some that suggest that the path to an affair is a slippery slope - that it develops over time...first some 'dreaming', next maybe a crush...maybe some flirting...then perhaps a dirty pash somewhere...things just get easier, it gets easier to convince yourself it won;t really hurt anyone etc etc etc.
BUT -all this starts with something LACKING...
so - what is lacking from your life that sends you potentially down this path?? I know you haven't quite slipped, sounds like there are some morals/ideals still in the way....but you are on the path. You need to look at why that is, address it...and MAYBE you won;t find yourself in an affair (be it with this guy or some other married man!). It won;t be worth it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthat message wasnt askin anythin. it was giving an update .
yes he and his wife will get a divorce,
o didnt want an affair to start with,thats why nothings happened. and i dont just want him for sex otherwise i wouldnt give a s**t about anythin else and would of already.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question***What is going on in your life right now that is leaving you open to entering something that you describe as a pain in the ass yourself? You need to look at that.***
what made you ask that about what is going on in my life at the moment?
i only describe it as a pain in the ass as iv not had this kinda problem before.
i spoke to him tonight ,he and his wife have talked , and they have both agreed that it isnt fair on their child for them to be bringing him up with parents that arent in love with each other as the child will pick up on the negativity
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): Great questions AskOlderSister, you raise some very valid points.
If he's seperated then why has he gone back to his wife? Is it because of his son? What will change his mind? If he loves his son enough to go back to her, what will cause him to leave again?
If he thinks he can make his marriage work, then why isn't he concentrating on this, why is he involving you in this way? Isn't he serious when he says he's trying to mend his marriage?
If he's sure he will leave her because the marriage broke down, then why dosen't he just leave now?
What is he waiting for?
It does sound like the ball is in his court and maybe the other aunts are right when they say your wasting your time with a man who has no intention of leaving his wife and is playing games with you.
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle +, writes (2 July 2008):
I'm afarid I am with Eyeswideshut on this one - you are looking for 'permission' for your actions...and even on here you are making more and more excuses/"reasons" why you should go for it - and hang the consequences. I also don;t think you really do care much about the wife/child...you care about you. That's not uncommon....but it can be dangerous.
Noone can tell you what to do...but if you actually do want some advice about this messy situation - why don't you "call it". Tell this guy - it's me or her. First step, you leave your wife (and that means moving out) and then take steps to end the marriage...if you can do that, you can have THIS.
If he is truly that into you (you seem to think it is far more than lust/mid-life crisis/opportunity...then he will make his move. I hope for your sake that that is the case.
If he doesn't - maybe you need to reconsider how much of what he's telling you IS just 'a line'.
I'm sure you are a great girl, but even the best people in the world make mistakes, or can be morally 'swayed' if the situation/factors are just right. What is going on in your life right now that is leaving you open to entering something that you describe as a pain in the ass yourself? You need to look at that.
I am not on here to be the big meanie...but I wouldn't be a very good "aunt' if I didn't call it how I see it! There is NO way to justify entering a relationship with a married man- call a spade a spade! It's cheating! You have to decide if you are OK with that or not.
I suspect he'll still be with his wife and child in 5 years time...unless she dumps his arse!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 July 2008):
Do the right thing, leave him alone until he gets his divorce. And at work don't allow yourself to be alone with him. Really you should try to get another job. Something makes me think that you are really just enjoying all this and it's not the slightest pain in the ass.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionahhh ok , i couldnt tell lol. its hard to see sarcasam on a screen lol.
plus the thats good,real good make it look so :D
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioneyes wide open, hava you not read all that i have said apart from that he is married?
yeah adultry is a pain in the ass, but if some one is seperated and still married, that isnt adultry.
im not saying he is currently seperated,
but theres a chance he could be in time.
as for not being very carful about it , if i wasnt we would of slept together along time ago and id be on here crying cause he wont leave his wife for me .
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): The age thing and the night clubing wasn't sarcastic, but I know you can't tell. I got a funny sense of humour sometimes. You just told me more about yourself and my opinion changed. Of course it dosen't matter if someone is 40 when your 20, now I was being stupid and I didn't think you'd find out... ;)
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 July 2008):
If you've been the other woman before and gotten burned then you certaily don't seem very careful to me. Adultery should always be a pain in the ass.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): A pain in the ass is right.... LOL
Thanks for the update. Take care of you babes. Keep protecting yourself and your heart untill he shows you the totally committment you deserve.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionim not the kind of person to just go in to somthing like this with out thinking, iv been the other woman before, i didnt know until 3 months down the line , so i am being very carful about things , not just for me but for his family aswel.
putting a stop to the flirting/itimacy, itll be really hard but i know we could do it ,as we held it off for quite a time.
he knows i like him a lot and says hes not seen a female in the same way as he sees me since he got with his wife and that he does genuinly like me,
i know the whole inbetween thing isnt fair on any of us,but no i cant get another job at the moment as i have 3 and i need them all to work round each other, iv already thought of that and tried , just to see what would happen if we didnt see each other and of he would still keep in touch etc ....
if id of known all this when i first met him, i would of walked away and crushed any type of feelings i had for him then, but i didnt so i let myself feel like this ...
this is all a big pain in the ass ....
oh yeah , was this sarcastic.,.....or???
Hahahah... that was a great answer. So now we know your not shallow. Age is not an issue, neither is the excitement of the chase or clubbing and skimpy dresses. That's good, real good.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionim not the kind of person to just go in to somthing like this with out thinking, iv been the other woman before, i didnt know until 3 months down the line , so i am being very carful about things , not just for me but for his family aswel.
putting a stop to the flirting/itimacy, itll be really hard but i know we could do it ,as we held it off for quite a time.
he knows i like him a lot and says hes not seen a female in the same way as he sees me since he got with his wife and that he does genuinly like me,
i know the whole inbetween thing isnt fair on any of us,but no i cant get another job at the moment as i have 3 and i need them all to work round each other, iv already thought of that and tried , just to see what would happen if we didnt see each other and of he would still keep in touch etc ....
if id of known all this when i first met him, i would of walked away and crushed any type of feelings i had for him then, but i didnt so i let myself feel like this ...
this is all a big pain in the ass ....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): Hahahah... that was a great answer. So now we know your not shallow. Age is not an issue, neither is the excitement of the chase or clubbing and skimpy dresses. That's good, real good.
Thanks very much for the update. It does shed more light on your situation. After a year, with him having difficulties with his wife, it might seem like you have a chance. Your don't seem to want to go far with this thing, and your kind to think about his wife and child.
Is it possible to put a stop to the flirting and the intimacy between you too. I'm just afraid that you'll get hurt, that's why I was so harsh. If it dosen't work out, surely he'll leave his wife and maybe try a relationship with you.
He's not being fair. Either he tries to fix things with his wife, or he leaves and tries a proper relationship with you. But this in between thing is wrong, it's not fair on you and it's not fair on her.
Can you control this situation until he makes the decision either way? Have you told him how strong you feel, have you told him your uncomfortable about all this?
I know your happy, and it was unkind to try to destroy you and make you cry. But in the married man, other woman situation as you know, somebody always gets hurt, and it's usually the other woman (you). Could you leave this job and find another one. Some space away from this man, just might help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionin response to the answer/question, how do i know his marrige is on the rocks, yes he told me so, but also it is general knolwedge.they have not been living together for a while , he only moved back in a while ago to try and sort things out for his son.he loves his wife, but they arent in love with each other anymore, i clearly saw that before anythin happened.and yes i do give a thought to his son, as does he and thats why we have both kept it calm.this is why i didnt think of it as wrong as everyone else as i now the problems he has are real, not just a line .and as for the 'what im saying is he wont fuck me'we had a chance to go further but i kept it at just kissing ,and told him i didnt want it to go further.its not just a sexual attraction, i do have real feelings for him. iv had them since i first met him, before i knew any of this , and its not just friendship feelings or lust , or the fact i cant have him makes me want him ....id say i was in love with him, but i know im not, yet , cause iv treid to keep my feelings under control.as for in 20 years he will be a pensioner, so what , (if it does turn out that we end up together and it is actually love n not either of us just wanting sex from another,) then im sure we can manage , id be 40+ why would i be going out partying?i can really imagine going to my fav night club with a skimpy dress on at the age?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): you know what your doing is wrong-at the moment.do you know for sure he and his wife are having problems?do you think you could ever love him, or he love you?why have you not done anything yet , ie sleep together, have a grope and a fondle, what ever, is it down to you, or him?iv read some of the answers on this page, some are really harsh.its not down to lack or self asteem or respect.if you like/love some one you cant help it, the fact you have asked shows that you have doubts, you're only young ,he's twice your age,could you see your selves down the line in 2/3 years? many people do end up happy in these relationships, but a hell of a lot more end up heart broken.you could loose your job, his wife could find out and cause problems for you, what would your family say if they found out you broke up his marraige?he wouldnt kiss you as not to form a bond, so why did he kiss you back?you really need to either tell him you both need to call it a day, or have a very serious talk about if this is what you both want and whats going to happen with his wife and child?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): Sorry babes, I bet you didn't expect to attract so much anger, but people get funny about this type of thing. I know you feel happy, but it's wrong, just plain wrong.
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female
reader, pashanoodle +, writes (1 July 2008):
His marriage has been going downhill for a few years??? Did poor didums tell you that?
I wonder if his wife knows her marriage is in crisis...I suspect not! She probably thinks everything is fine.
I am sorry to be sarcastic...but this whole 'scenario' is so cliched. Middle aged man, mid life crisis, young employee attracted to the stable, 'sweet' father figure...young woman with no 'luck in love'...feels a thrill that she has this power over some guy who is looking for some excitment, she feels desired (and that feels good)and maybe the 'secrecy' and danger is part of the attraction?
You ARE making excuses.
This is a bad idea - YOU will loose out.
What exactly do you see you getting out of a 'relationship' with this man?
Why don't you check out the article written by Ask Old Sister...it's something like dating a married man and losing yourself in the process, might give you some food for thought.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): "so i know theres a spark between us, no one can say there isnt"
Well you have a spark, so what. He has a wedding ring, a wife and a two year old son, see if you can beat that. He's got a house and a good job, do you think he's gonna throw everything away just to get a piece of your young ass.... I don't think that's how it will go my dear.
Your his dirty little secret, your the girl who allows him to grope her at work. It's not love, it's not a relationship, he dosen't even want to kiss you because he dosen't want a "bond". Sure sounds cheap and tacky to me. You went on a "formal date?" are you sure, well if you did you should be crying not laughing. You better learn all about tears cause you'll be swiming in an ocean of them very soon.
He says "its not fair on his family if we enter a sexual relationship , but also that its not fair on me", well you better believe it honey. What about his wife, what about his kid, don't you ever think about them. Your doing all of this because of some "sexual attraction". Your not even in love? Forget it baby, he's using you and if you carry on with this flirting and gropping you and him are gonna start having sex?
Don't you care about yourself, aint you got no self-esteem. Don't you get it. He'll be having sex with you and he'll be having sex with his wife. Do you think he's gonna tell anybody about you. Why do you want to share this man who has decide to go back to his wife. You've been around a year, he could have had you any time, but he didn't want you, he wanted his wife and son. Why do you want to break up his marriage, can't you find a single man of your own to have sex with. Start flirting and letting one of the single guys at work grope you, and then you'll be able to deal with your "sexual attraction".
You think your ready to settle down with this old man. You present aged 20-22, and currently living in the UK. So he's what over 40years old. You gonna stick around with this man for a long time. He'll be a pensioner in 20years, while you'll still want to party and rave.
You choose to fool around with this man, you choose to flirt with him. You can choose to leave him alone. How can you expect any nice considerate guy to want somebody like you when you behave in this way. Aint you got no morals. Anyway it's your life, you know what you should do. If you really can't leave him alone then take a look at this link,(http://www.dearcupid.org/question/in-love-w-a-married-man-how-do-i-cope-w-break-up.html) read some of the stories on the page, just so you'll know what your getting yourself into.
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A
female
reader, ChicaBlusera +, writes (1 July 2008):
When you're attracted to someone you tend to see this person in a different light. He's cheating on his wife, and he isn't trustworthy. If there's no trust, then there's no way to have a loving relationship... how can you believe anything this guy says when he isn't faithful? There are guys out there that are faithful even if you can't see it now. Like Tremor says, if he were to get divorced it would be a different story but don't come between him and his family.
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male
reader, no_issues +, writes (1 July 2008):
 So he's like a drug. Think about that.
If he were smack, and you were asking if you should stop injecting him into your eyeball or if this was something that was really going to go somewhere, you would hopefully realize the absurdity of your question and go into immediate detox without further discussion.
That said, it's worth noting that once upon a time -- in a more civilized age, before the Dark Times -- young women having affairs with older married men knew how to call them "affairs with older married men" instead of worrying about whether or not it meant something else.
See, "affair with an older married man" doesn't really leave much to be questioned. You're either into it, or you're not.
If you want it to be something else, try a different man.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): Sure he's sweet and caring, NOW, but will he be later? He's probably an experienced man and knows how to enchant a lady. I'd say he's making excuses and you already know the answer. Leave him.
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male
reader, Devil Spawn  +, writes (1 July 2008):
 Wake up my dear, this man is going to use you for sex. Pure and simple, he is not going to leave his wife or son and you need to ask if you want to be a homewrecker?
People get attracted to others its natrual but thats as far as it should go. How would you feel if you were his wife?
You said " I know i probably know the right answer but , guys this sweet and considerate dont come along that often"
Ummm no he isnt. He is CHEATING on his wife, and if it wasn't with you it would be with someone else.
My advice is to put a stop to it now and get some self respect.
What you are doing is wrong and you know it...
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female
reader, Tremor +, writes (1 July 2008):
 He's right - getting involved would not be fair on his family or on you, and someone /will/ end up getting hurt.
I'd advise you to back right off this guy. If, at a later date, he divorces his wife, then you can make your move, but otherwise just leave it alone. Don't be the 'other woman'.
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A
male
reader, grouchy +, writes (1 July 2008):
He's NOT considerate to his WIFE. Leave it alone!
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