A
female
age
36-40,
*WantBSL09
writes:My boyfriend of almost 2 years is requesting a break, but we're in an awkward situation because we live together and I just started a full time job (there is no way I could live on my own right now). He's not gonna kick me out or anything. We're still together. He said he still loves me and wants to be with me but he's confused because deep down inside he still has this urge to date other women...and while I'm hurt by the fact that he said that, I came to the realization that if we are truly meant to be we'll come back to one another. He said he is afraid of losing me and that he's afraid he'll never find another woman like me, but he has this urge that makes him want to take that risk (which to me sounds like he still thinks he can do better). And while I love him and want to be with him, I am not going to compete with his urges to date other women or to be on his own, but now I feel stuck, because I feel like we're both putting on a front of acting all lovely dovely just until I get more situated at my job so I can save up and move out. I'm scared because I don't wanna lose him and it makes tears come out my eyes just thinking of him meeting and being with someone else. Now I can't even look at him the same way knowing what I know. It's one thing to say he wants to be on his own to re-evualuate things and his life, but its another thing to say that you still have an urge to date other women. What should i do? I need like atleast 8 mos to save up and move out...I won't miss his cat though ...and I made it clear to him that if we do give eachother that break, that he better not expect us to become friends with benefits, ill still keep in contact but at a distance and I will date others...but thats the thing, I dont want to date others, I just want to be with him. God tears are coming out my eyes just writing this...also I'm his first serious long-term relationship and he's 28...it kinda hurts to know that if he think he can do better he will leave but is afraid that he won't find any one else like me that loves him the way I do. And what makes it worse is that he says he's been feeling like this since we've been going out (but the thoughts were off and on) and didnt know if these kind of thoughts were normal to have in a relationship (as I said, this has been his first real relationship)
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (9 May 2008):
 They could be signs in a couple of areas. Not wanting to be with someone, or in some way feeling rejected. Rubbing it in his face when out, and you see girls, is like saying "go ahead, give me reason to leave."
I think you both need to sit down and talk about what is going on. Be truthful with eachother and see if this is nearing the end, or miscommunication between you.
A
female
reader, Deema  +, writes (8 May 2008):
 You so have to move out of the place youre in now hun. Stop being his victim. The more you run round him wondering what he's going to do, the more power you give him. You've given him all the opportunities, he's not giving anything back - so crunch time - you will survive, you'll get stronger and like the male reader said he'll come running when you stop being so interested. Its not how us girls operate, but it IS how men do, so play the game till you get strong and then its not a game any more. It becomes the truth of who you are - someone who deserves better. Get out there girl.
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A
female
reader, IWantBSL09 +, writes (8 May 2008):
IWantBSL09 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut now he's confusing me because now he acts as if he never brought it up and never said that. When I would bring it up, he would get all sad about it and would get this sad look on his face. If a girl walks by us sometimes I'll say
"oh that must be one of the girls you want to date"...and then he gets all quiet and/or will say "you're mean...why you keep bringing it up"...I mean hello, you did tell me that you want to date different women and now you're going to act like you've never said what you said. How do I know he's not just putting on a front because he felt bad for letting the truth come out? Also actions speak louder than words. Our 2 year anniversary is today and he has not mentioned it once at all. He only mentioned it the other night when we were out with his mom and she asked us how long we were going out (seems she likes me more than he does). But other than that, he hasn't mentioned it at all. When we go out, he doesn't hold my hand anymore like he used, sometimes it even looks like he is trying to keep his distance (so we don't look like we go out). So i guess these are clear signs he doesn't want to be with me anymore.
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A
male
reader, greenman +, writes (5 May 2008):
Call his bluff. Say " you know something, I've been thinking and I think you might be right. I'd quite like to date other guys too" Be calm, firm & not emotional when you say this. Turn the tables and take his power away. You will have to be strong to pull this off but what have you got to lose. I guarantee he will come running if you are strong.
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A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (5 May 2008):
I know you must be finding this one tough hun, but I can see a lot of positives from where I'm standing. Number one is he is being honest and though it hurts, that is better than doing it behind your back. Scream at me if you want. But its true. Number 2 is that I have been in 2 marriages now, and in both cases they never had much sex before we met. With the first I even suggested we part for a while because I was more experienced and was ready to settle down, but for him I always wondered when he would start wanting to find out how it would be with different women. He refused my offer. Couldn't bear to leave me, etc etc. So we married. And then when I had two kids - he was off playing with other women - just like I had expected him too all those years before. NOW lo and behold same thing has happened. I just found out my new husband also had very little experience. Though my instinct told me that after we had sex, he kept it well hidden through embarrassment. So I just gave him the same choice - cus he goes looking on the internet and hasn't done anything more at the moment - go sow your wild oats, go have fun, I'm not a kid I could handle that better than them doing it behind my back - but same reply. Don't want to lose me. So I would say to you darling, love me or hate me, I would rather let him go and keep my power and respect, than have him do it anyway behind my back. I'd rather give permission, which I think immediately spoils their fun anyway, than be shat upon. But thats just me. And we're all different. Take your power back hun. It doesn't mean youre worthless, it just means he hasn't grown up yet - and may never, so while you're waiting for him to - get out there, be the best you can and have a fucking good time. Stop waiting for him to throw you crumbs from the table. You can do better than that and you deserve better than that. Go get em girl. Lotsaluv.
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A
female
reader, MissWendlemoot  +, writes (5 May 2008):
 It sounds like your young man wants to have his cake and eat it too.
I think you need to be a bit tough with him on this. You are right with the no sex with him. Start treating him like a roommate and nothing more. It will be hard, very hard because you love him and are in pain but try to do just that. Move into another room if you can.
Accept dates immediately even if you don't feel like it. Guys who want to see if the grass is greener tend to forget that you also have other options too. They really seem to have blinders on with regards to you dating others. So even if you don't want to, start dating and it may be just enough to make him stop this foolishness when he realizes he may lose you and you aren't waiting around for him.
Good luck and post an update when you can.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (5 May 2008):
These confusions do cause pain. From what you said, I think he's making the wrong choice.
Something I heard a while ago says: "Never leave someone you love, for someone you like, because someone you like will leave you for someone they love."
So he wants to test other waters? My ex's brother passed away last year at 35 years old because his ex tested other waters. Well, just with one person, but gave him aids.
The way I see this is if you both enjoy spending time with one another,and love eachother, then he already has the perfect person for him. As far as finding someone else like you, can't happen. There's only one of you. I'll tell you, if everyone changed partners when they got an urge to be with someone else, commitments would be a thing of the past.
Take care. I really hope everything works out for you.
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