A
female
age
36-40,
*acyvanillapixie
writes:Hello,im 21 and i have been in a relationship with an amazing guy for 4 months. We planned to get engaged this year and i really know i love this man. But just over a week ago we had a row, to which he hit me in the face and i still have (a week later) a huge black eye. The police were called and he accepted a caution as he knew he did wrong even though he could of appealed against it.His dad has disowned him as he didnt fight against his caution, even though he admitted to his dad it was all his fault and he was in the wrong.He has been in contact, and i still love him. My family and friends hate him. He says he'll get help but really really wants to make it up to me as he claims it'll never happen again. I really dont know what to do.
View related questions:
engaged Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2007): I can speak from experiance...I've been where you have been before and I believed that things would change, that that time he pushed me down the stairs or his fists went flying in my direction, but then he apologised, it would all be different next time, it wouldnt happen again. but it always didand usually much worse than the time before. Don't get me wrong, im sure this man does love you, despite many saying he wouldn't because of this. The guy i was with who abused me, i know for a fact loved me, but it didnt mean it was safe for me to be with him, living in hope that one day things would change and until that daycame, just living in fear of what might happen to me next if we had a row. One thing I realised once i was out of the relationship was that i stayed there because i was made to believe that it was in fact my fault, that i had pushed him to do those things to me, that i had maybe in some way deserved this. I was i suppose brain washed. All im saying is please dont let this be the reason you stay with him because on some level u feel u are to blame, that u maybe shouldn't have said or done certain things in the arguement, so therefore you deserve it, because you don't, no woman or even man for that matter deserves to be abused by someone they should really feel the safest and happiest with. This man may change. It can happen. But you need to walk away for now and let him proove that it was one off. It is very easy to say that he will be different, it was a mistake, you dont need to make excuses for that to be the case at all. actions speak louder than words and so this man needs to actually get help, but he needs to do it alone, you can't be by his side for this. It is his problem, his issues, his mistake and he put you through something i would never wish upon any woman, so you need to walk away and let him deal with this alone, knowing that he can't treat you like that under any circumstances. Its so easy for people to tell you what to do, but love complicates things and I know how hard it is to walk away, but i look back now and see it as a learning xperiance, a painful one, but one that has made me stronger. and i have no doubt that it will be the same for you! most importantly, im sorry to had to go through this, but secondly, keep your head up and turn your back on this man and focus on yourself, if he seriously made a mistake, he'll proove it to you and if he doesn't well the recovery process will already be started and you'll already be stronger than when you first walked away!
Good luck xxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2007): Please get out now!!! I can't emphasis this enough!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, NenaUnique  +, writes (16 January 2007):
 ok i know you love him and everything but what he did was sooo wrong! and i think its best for you to never ever forgive him for what he has done..and no matter if he says he will never do that to you again..o honey thats when he is wrong..for the moment he will feel guilty and bad ect but after you get married have another relationship he'l; think that he is the MAn of the house which he will probably be but then if something u do dont go his way he will Hit you AGAin but worse.
like people say
"once a hoe.Always a hoe" and no im not calling you a hoe.
"once a player, Always a player"
soooo "ONCE an abuser,ALWAYS an abuser!"
i guess its just a habit that wont ever go away.
if you need any more advice private message me
*Valeria*
...............................
A
female
reader, racyvanillapixie +, writes (16 January 2007):
racyvanillapixie is verified as being by the original poster of the question I would like to thank everyone who wrote an answer to my question, seriously thankyou for your time and effort, i never thought i'd get so many respones and i really do thank you all ever so much.
*To the anonymous female who asked to exchange emails i would very much like too! But how can i do it?
Thankyou and god bless!
:D
Racy
x
...............................
A
female
reader, racyvanillapixie +, writes (16 January 2007):
racyvanillapixie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank everyone who wrote an answer to my question, seriously thankyou for your time and effort, i never thought i'd get so many respones and i really do thank you all ever so much.
*To the anonymous female who asked to exchange emails i would very much like too! But how can i do it?
Thankyou and god bless!
:D
Racy
x
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (16 January 2007):
 I just can't condone what this guy did to you. Any guy thats raises a hand or hits a woman is just a plain coward.
He says he won't do it again, untill the next time, and the next time, and the time after that. It will turn in to a vicious circle, with him saying sorry, and you forgiving him. While you are sporting a black eye.
What do you tell friends and relatives about how you got a black eye?
Get out while you still can.
Good luck x
...............................
A
female
reader, Lilly223  +, writes (16 January 2007):
 Racy, I want you to read this very closely.
As a formerly abused spouse and girlfriend I believe that I can tell you alot. Men do NOT hit women they love, no matter HOW angry they are at them. And NO MATTER what you did, IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!
Men that resort to assulting thier girlfriends and wives do so because they want to control you, they view you as a possession, NOT a person. They abuse you becasue THEY are out of control. They abuse you because they are emotionally immature and don't have the facilities to cope with frustrations the way a mentally healthy person can.
Apologies from an abuser are nothing but words to appease you. Of course he is telling you that it will never happen again, because that is what he knows you want to hear right now. He very well may be the very best boyfriend in the world after he hits you, but this will not last. Counseling doesn't work, especially if they believe that the reason they hit you was YOUR FAULT. It is NEVER thier fault that they loose control..."You made me do it."
You need to eliminate this guy from your life RIGHT NOW. This will not get better, no matter what he promises you. He will continue to try and find other ways to control and manipulate you, put you down, inflict emotional damaged, and when all of that fails he will beat you again. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THIS? He WILL NOT CHANGE.
End this relationship while you 'only' have a black eye. The next time it will be worse, you will eventually start to believe that you don't deserve any better, that you 'asked for it' because you weren't a good enough girl friend. You'll start making excuses for him (even more than you already have.) I know you say you love him, but he does NOT love you...
I was an abused wife for 7 years. The first time my husband hit me was when we were still dating. He apologised and promised it would never happen again. "I'm sorry, you just made me so mad." he said. I stayed because I believed him, I stayed becasue I loved him, I stayed because I wasn't listening to what anyone else was trying to tell me. And Yea, I married him even after he hit me. Once we married, I truly became his possession. He beat me on our honeymoon, he beat me because as he said, "I was too stupid to get a real job." He beat me because I wore too much make up, and then because I didn't wear make up. He beat me because he caught me talking to a co-worker at the front door of the business about a work project, and he simply knew we were talking code and trying to hook up later. I was fired from that job because he wouldn't stop calling me and stopping in to make sure I wasn't in his words, "F'ing that guy on your desk." I cannot imagine that this is what you want in your future.
I hope I am making an impact here. I DON'T LIKE telling this story. I AM NOT PROUD OF IT. But, I WILL if it means that you will get out of this relationship right now. I'm trying to tell you what is a 'simple' black eye will turn in to much much worse, I know this!
Get out of this relationsip right now.. before it is too late.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2007): I'm afraid his hitting you and giving you a black eye is a HUGE red flag.You have only known him four months and are already planning to get engaged. That is WAY too soon; you're still in process of getting acquainted! And now you are discovering some disturbing behavior.A man who cannot control his temper and responds to an argument with violence is not to be trusted. Abusers - and this is what he is - often say they'll change, and not do it again. You REALLY need to re-think this whole "I love him" attitude, you know. How can you possibly "love" anyone who so disrespects you and who has so little consideration for you that he would get violent to win an argument? He is far too controlling.Your family and the other posters are right: end this NOW!If you don't, you may find you will live (I hope) to regret it.
...............................
A
female
reader, stina +, writes (16 January 2007):
 Hello Racy,
I think it's time that you leave the relationship. There are way too many problems after dating him for only 4 months. Is staying with someone who beats his girlfriend worth it? What's the say he wouldn't do it again? He "claims" that he'll never do it again, but he shouldn't have done it in the first place and he knows this, too.
And apparently you guys have pretty bad arguments anyway. At four months you shouldn't be having such problems. I also just thought of something - do you think he would ever hold you responsible for his dad disowning him? That's just a thought that ran through my head. (You are not responsible, by the way.) You don't want to get involved in having his family think you split them apart.
The other side of things is that your family and friends hate him. Are you willing to deal with this the rest of your life? Obviously he would not be welcome at any family functions. So are you going to choose to be with him - someone who gave you a black eye - on holidays or your family - who are obviously concerned about your wellbeing? Are you prepared to pick him over your friends or pick your friends over picking him - because I can imagine those are the kinds of arguments you both will have in the future (since I can't imagine your friends *wanting* to hang out with this guy). If the arguing doesn't sound appealing, are you then prepared to give up your friends so that he doesn't freak out?
And if this doesn't stop and you two end up getting married, what if you get pregnant? I know that this is taking things a little far into the future - but you said you might get engaged... What if he hits you while your pregnant? Are you prepared for that? (Not that you really could be.) And have you thought about how he might hurt the kids if they get into an argument with him?
Okay - I know that a lot of these are "what if" scenarios, but you really have to think things like this through in this way because this is a serious, serious problem. I'm sure you can come up with your own scenarios, as well.
But yeah, like I said and like Dr. Reality Check said - end it now. Are there really any positives about this guy? Because you say he's "amazing," yet you only decided to elaborate on the negative. That's really saying something in my opinion.
Take care.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2007): It's a good sign that he said he'd get help.
I'd suggest that if he doesn't seek to do this within the next couple of weeks then you need to be strong and realise your amazing guy wasn't so amazing afterall.
It's easy to say "I'll get help". It's very hard to actually get help.
Without professional help, right away, you really don't want to progress your relationship any further because it WILL happen again.
As for your friends and family, tricky if they all know as obviously most friends like to give their (usually unhelpful) opinion and family want nothing but a perfect partner for you. Give your amazing guy the opportunity to seek professional help, but like I say, if he doesn't do it, get away whilst you still can. Your still just a teenager, you don't need that kind of hassle in your life.
...............................
A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (16 January 2007):
 I'll tell you what to do. . . RUN.
I've given this advice before, and I hope people are listening (or reading). The first time your "boyfriend" or "spouse" hits you, should be last time. You should have called the police and have him arrested for assaulting you. You can never justify striking the person you supposedly love. It's an attempt at controlling (or owning) you. IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE!!!!!
...............................
A
male
reader, Dr. Reality Check +, writes (16 January 2007):
 Don't be so short sighted. Guys who beat their wives/girlfriends will always beat them. And this happened after only a few months of being together. Can you iagine how things will be down the line?! Do yourself a favour and end it now, for the sake of yourself and future children.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2007): i would say trust your instinct. you know him better than anyone so you must have a gut feeling about what to do. it must be awful to be hurt so badly by the man you love so much. but if it was me, i dont think there would be a second chance because i would always be wary of him. i would be afraid to argue with him incase he snapped and did it again. and that does not a healthy relationship make! i'm sure he's being truthful when he tells you he doesnt plan to do it again, but at the same time he probably didnt plan to do it the first time so how can you believe it will never happen again? there are plenty of men out there who would never dream of physically hurting a woman. I would advise you to be strong and move on, your family and friends love you and want whats best for you. think of the advice you would give to a friend or sister in this exact same situation and do whatever that advice would be. best wishes xxx
...............................
A
male
reader, candyman44 +, writes (16 January 2007):
 Good Day to you.
I fear that this man will resort to violence when he cannot control a situation.I know this from the experience of my daughter while in a similar relationship.This type of man is usually very charming and attractive to women,but it is what lies underneath that is potentially dangerous.
Anger management therapy is rarely successful and my advice to you is the same as I gave my daughter.Walk away,dont look back and get on with your life.
...............................
A
male
reader, childof1981 +, writes (16 January 2007):
 You should break things off with this guy. Even though he promises that he will change, that is not something he has control over. There are plenty of other "Amazing" guys out there that don't resort to violence, start looking for one of them and leave this guy at the curb.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2007): seriously love been there still going through they say the will never do it again but they do been in that realitionship now 4 nine year thinking of leaving hard when u got kids though u wont to talk bout it ill b on here we will exchange emails think about serisously ples lxxxxxxxxxx
...............................
|
