A
female
age
51-59,
*ayann
writes:my boyfriend and I met 8 months ago and we are in our 40's. the problem is he has 2 daughters 20,22 and I have one son 7 years old. We don't live near eachother so we don't get much time alone. When we are together we can't be alone in our rooms because we don't want anyone to be uncomfortable or give a bad example to our kids. What do you think? when is it ok to spend the night together? I would like to stay overnight since it is a long drive but worried about what message this sends to the kids. His dtrs did say something to him about us being alone in his room and ever since then we stayed away from it. Help! I feel too old for this stuff but not sure when is it ok to do that. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Mayann +, writes (11 January 2011):
Mayann is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah i agree...we should be able to do whatever as long as it is not right in front of the kids. I do think though that my 7 year old should not know when i am spending the night. I willkeep to having him stay at a friends so i can go out in private and I will not allow my bf to stay the night when my son is home.
I prefer to keep my sexual life private if i can and that include staying overnight as that eludes to sex....thank you for the advice it is very helpful.
I am not worried about what his girls think so much b/c they are much older and stay out all night all the time. ironically they were the ones to complain about us spending time alone in his room. there was a HUGE argument and they were crying and saying we should not be spending the night together. I wonder that they may be worried about losing him to me. Even though they work and get money from other sources they rely heavily on him to provide for them.
I am not sure why they should have any input to his private matters at their age...but he does not want to be alone in his room now and we have little privacy..kinda stinks and can't wait for us to have our own place.
A
male
reader, MEGAlberto  +, writes (11 January 2011):
I (18) wouldn't worry about setting a bad example for the kids.My friend (17) has divorced parents, and has watched his mom go through a few boyfriends. This sometimes includes saying very specifically when and how he is coming home at night because his mom and her boyfriend are "sleeping". He does not sleep around, but instead is a decent guy and a very committed partner. This obviously does not translate directly to your situation (7 and 17 are a little bit different), but if you need just a little bit more privacy from your child take it - daycare, babysitting, and friendly moms abound.Also, don't expect your children to adopt your relationship patterns. It seems that every generation is intent on NOT finding intimacy the same way that their parents did.Peace and happiness,
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A
female
reader, Mayann +, writes (9 January 2011):
Mayann is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell here is an update...I got a sitter and my bf and I spent the night together. Literally all we did was talk about how he was having trouble with one of his dtrs and sleep. We slept well. He said that was the best nights rest he had in along time. It was nice to be alone. I do think his dtrs are running things and we have talked about it but he does not think so. thank you for your responses it has clarified things more for me.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (8 January 2011):
I think if you want to make things "legit", then engaged isn't enough. If you want to put all of the questioning to rest, then marriage is required.
As far as the two daughters, it sounds like they run their dad or he's using that as an excuse to not spend much private time with you. They should not be able to lodge objections about their dad spending time with his girlfriend. It's hypocritical.
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A
female
reader, Mayann +, writes (8 January 2011):
Mayann is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you this does help alot. We need this time in a bad way not for sex just to be alone, alone with each other. However my question also has another part of interest that I don't think i was clear on and I hope you can shed some light to help me understand them more. His dtrs have said they don't want me alone in his room with him, they said they want him to be happy but are not comfortable with us spending the night together.....they have been through some stuff with their mom and he does not want to rock the boat since they have seen bad days but on the right track now..I am confused b/c they are so much older and DO spend nights with their lovers alll the time...so not sure what to think...I think we are too old for this crap however he is scared now to do this...I feel stuck with this but feel it will push him to engage to me and this is what we both want anyway. I told him if we were engaged then this would be our way to be more alone...same we would do it our parents put this kind of restriction on us...so good thing too! i think. I feel this would be good example to my son too. Well I guess after all this I think this is a good thing. what do you think anyway?
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reader, doublejack +, writes (8 January 2011):
Fabulosa is correct, and Cerberus is wrong. The two daughters are adults. They are having sex themselves. So, there's no damage to be done to them if you and your boyfriend are spending the night together.
However, the 7 year old is very impressionable and vulnerable. Exposing him to that kind of activity would be damaging. As a single dad to an 8 year old daughter who I have custody of, I empathize with you. If I want a girl over for the night, I have to make arrangements for my daughter to spend the night somewhere else, or I have to do it when my ex-wife has her. That's just how it goes when there are young children involved in these matters.
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reader, eddie85 +, writes (8 January 2011):
 I agree with Fabulosa. His daughters are old enough to know people sleep together.
Your 7-year-old son, however, doesn't. Most parents teach their kids to wait until they are married to have sex. Your son will remember that you were sleeping with your b/f and will see this as hypocritical and will be more likely to engage in this type of behavior.
I think you need to decide what sort of message you want to send to your kid. If you were to sleep in separate bedrooms (so your son won't find you in the same bed), could also help the issue. Either way, your son will remember what you do and potentially take life lessons from it.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (8 January 2011):
 It certainly would not be a bad example if you spent one night together. There is no risk here. His daughters can take care of your son can they not? For at least one night. It is healthy for your relationship.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, Fabulosa +, writes (8 January 2011):
 His kids are old enough to know the facts if life. Its your baby u need to worry about. Get a sitter of when he has visitation with his other family. It wouldn't be fair to him to be bored stuck with two girls in their twenties while mommy shaking up with her bf.
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