A
female
age
41-50,
*eautifulLife1218
writes:I began dating this guy about 2.5 months ago.I had just gotten out of a short term relationship, and before that had a baby and was in a long term before that. He had just gotten out of a divorce a year ago, and the night we first "hooked up" we both agreed neither of us wanted a relationship. (I said it first)I assumed it would be just a one night thing, but it ended up with us talking frequently, him coming out and hanging out with me and my friends, me going to his house during the day and hanging out, sleepovers at eachothers houses, ect. He made it clear on several occasions he was really struggling with his divorce, but really loved the commitment and the life he had married. After only a few weeks, I realized that our relationship was getting pretty intense for me (in a good way) we got along great, the sex was out of this world, he made me laugh, we could talk for hours, ect. I hadn't been this attracted to a man in YEARS. I started to develop feelings, and from day one we had agreed to be "honest" with eachother so no one gets "hurt". we had agreed to be exclusive (sexually) but casual. Unfortunately, I started to feel this was not enough for me. I told him this, and said that I wasnt asking for him to be my "boyfriend" yet, but that I needed to know our relationship was "progressing" and not just staying as a FWB type of deal because it's not my style. He told me we would just see how things went. He travels alot for work, and when he would go he sometimes wouldnt text or call for 2 days or more.. and it started to bother me. I realized that I wanted a daily text message or at least some sort of acknoledgment from him.I never was "clingy" as far as texting or calling.. he has almost always been the one to make the first move. But after I first mentioned that I wanted to take it a step further (after about a month or so) his interest slowly started to wane. He still would be the first to text and such, but no more inviting me for day time hangouts, not as frequent messages, longer time periods of contact when he was gone, ect.Also, a few other women were posting "questionable" facebook messages and pictures on his page from places he went. This bothered me too much, so I broke it off with him.. I told him I needed either some level of commitment, or I had to end it. he said okay, he understood and he didnt want to loose me as a friend. I stopped contacting him, but he continued pursuing me. Finally, last saturday I went out for new years and he and I ended up at the same place. We ended up going back to his place and he tried to sleep with me. I told him I couldnt do it, and it wasnt fair to me and he knew it.He stated that "we had had an agreement", and I told him that he was well aware how I felt about that, and the "agreement" he was referring to was in October. I also told him that I still wasnt looking for a full on boyfriend (I am a single mother in the nursing program, no time)but I needed consistency and to know that I am the "only one". Now he has not contacted me in almost a week. My question is... Did I move it too quickly??? Push him away? How long is long enough to expect commitment when you are sleeping with a guy?? I brought the subject up the past 3 times we were together..because I was so confused and I feel like maybe he didnt get it? or maybe he changed his mind??? I want to know if this is MY fault for pushing him away, or if he really just wasn't into me enough in the first place. Do I pull away again, see what happens? Drop the commitment topic and see if he comes around? HELP!!!
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (11 January 2011):
 hi
no, don't 'drop the commitment thing' coz that means that you are compromising on something which is a very important issue for you. if you are to have any sort of relationship with him, it should be equal ie: not all about him having it his way and you just going along with his wishes. he knows what you want and expect from him and if he is not happy to give this - let him go. you WILL get over him, and find someone who will give you what you want without you having to battle for it! word of advice: next time, do not sleep with them until they have shown you that they are AT LEAST amenable to the idea of commitment. it sounds as though he had a bit of fun with you at the beginning, there was no 'love' to keep him emotionally tied to you, so when the first flush of excitement was gone, there was nothing left to keep him interested, hence, the facebook girls, texting less, seeing you less. if he was that into you he would not behave like that because he would not want to risk losing you. i know that what i am saying is not what you want to hear. sorry, just know this though about getting over someone, if you make the break from someone who is disrespecting you , it will empower you. yes you will feel lost at first but i am 99% sure that the time it takes to get over them will be shorter than if you stay with them and endure, months even years of uncertainty, insecurity and hurt, which can stay with us as baggage even afterwards. i would choose peace of mind
xx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): He pulled game on you from the start and that's why he said he had baggage from the divorce and you gave up the cookie knowing that. It’s game because, we’ll, we’re not idiots. We know exactly what we’re doing, exactly how eager you are, and exactly what your expectations were entering the FWB. But, because your'e already thisclose to having sex with us, saying “I’m not ready for a commitment” at that moment allows a guy to do commitment type stuff (read: sex) while always having an “Hey, I told you I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship” out whenever she presses him for an actual commitment. Only thing you are at fault for is thinking it would ever be something else. Would he do this to Jessica Simpson? Not in this life.
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A
female
reader, BeautifulLife1218 +, writes (8 January 2011):
BeautifulLife1218 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni realize we had a bargain, but i DID communicate with him telling him my feelings WERE changing throughout the entire process.
BUT I do see what you are saying by the mistake of going home with him on New Years and I'm aware of that. We actually communicated quite well from day one... I just think I chose "not to listen" when he said he didnt want a relationship, and he chose "not to listen" when I told him I needed more or it was done.. because he kept trying.
Thanks alot you guys, this really helps!! :)
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A
female
reader, BeautifulLife1218 +, writes (8 January 2011):
BeautifulLife1218 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionha, yeah I usually don't, which is why I'm so confused. thanks you guys!! this helped alot :)
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (8 January 2011):
I completely agree with Odds, except I have a suspicion that the FWB arrangement wasn't exclusive on his end. I've known all too many women who thought their casual hookups were exclusive only to later find out the guy they were sleeping with had other casual partners. Many guys use the FWB angle to cover up the fact that they are a player and have several women going at once (and some women do this, too)
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (8 January 2011):
 In this case, it's not a matter of too fast or too slow, it's a failure to be clear. To a guy, the contrast between your words and actions would have been confusing.
The first mistake was when you told him you did not want to be FWB because wasn't your "style." Put yourself in his shoes. As far as he was concerned, it *had* been your style for however many weeks before then. In his place, most guys would have assumed it didn't mean anything, and you were just trying to retroactively pretened you weren't "that kind of girl." Whether that's what you were actually thinking or not, it's what he would have assumed.
Second mistake was asking him to "progress" but not be a boyfriend. To his mind, this just reinforced his earlier assumption - that since what you said was icnonsistent with what you did, he should just smile, nod, and ignore it.
Third mistake was going back to his place on new year's without any intention of sleeping with him - or, for that matter, going home with him at all. When you left with him, he assumed you wanted to get back together. He would have assumed the old agreement was in effect, and been rightly frustrated and confused when you turned him down.
In every case, to someone who cannot read your mind and has to guess, your actions were inconsistent with your words, so he chose to believe your actions - probably because that got him laid, rather than the belief that it was more accurate.
It sounds like you are not the kind of person who can really benefit from commitment-free sex. Unfortunately, this guy is not the type who would come around and become a boyfriend. If I had to guess, he's one of these guys that chase single mothers, under the belief that they are easier to get with. He will not commit to you, though he might claim to if it'll get him laid. Best you could hope for is more exclusive casual sex. Best to leave this guy and start fresh with someone new.
As for how long is long enough: you should get commitment *before* you sleep with a guy. If you sleep with a guy before you get commitment, then there is no "long enough," just "leave when the sex stops being worth it." Why buy the cow, right? Sex is vital for maintaining commitment, but it's not enough to earn it.
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (8 January 2011):
 Okay, youuuu need to read these two books "He's just not that into you" and "Why men marry bitches". Honestly, you lost his interest in a 'relationship' when you had sex with him so early. Suddenly in his mind you didn't have alot of value. I'm sure you're smart and sweet and pretty, but seriously you need to not give it up like that! Even if it means making a guy wait 3-6 months, you do it - until he says I love you (thats my rule) and announces that you're his gf to the people in his life.
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A
female
reader, cat lady +, writes (8 January 2011):
 You DID make a bargain, girl. Next time you decide to do something like that, keep it short and end it before you get attached. There is no general rule about how long is long enough to ask for attachment; everybody is unique. And yes, asking him about the status of your relationship is the last thing he seems to want to hear. You'll run him right out the door with this kind of pressure. The only way I can think of to protect yourself from future heartbreaks is don't jump into bed with people so fast.
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