A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hey aunts and uncles urgent advice needed please. My close male friend and i are both creeping closer to 30. Neither of us is with anybody and we get on very well. We were having a meal at his house, together the other night and got talking about the fact that we are both unhappy being single and that we both want children. He said he is afraidd that it will never happen and that his elderly parents will die before they get to be grandparent. So he has basically asked me for a marriage of convinience! He wants to settle down and have kids with me! He has sworn he will always stand by me and will do everything to make me happy, he's a hard worker and a good person. I do love him but i dont no wat to say! His fears are my own and im tempted as he would make an excellent dad and I want to be a mum so badly i was concidering all sorts before he came up with this, please help me? Is it wrong to do this?
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female
reader, mooh  +, writes (8 November 2012):
Maybe this is a bit rushed... You haven't even reached your thirties yet (and even that is still a "young" age group). Maybe you can give yourself some time: try to enlarge your dating pool or if you are seriously thinking about your bff's proposal: start a relationship with him as before marrying you still need to know if it would work living together and if you guys can handle together conflict type of situations as i think that relationships with friends and a spouse are very different, so maybe you would discover sides of his personality you never saw before (and same for him). Once you have a child with him, you are definitely bound together.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): No don't do it. marriage and kids puts strain on even the best relationships. It makes you interdependent on the other person like nothing else. You need to have some strong emotional investment beyond just normal friendship to emotionally sustain you through those rough times otherwise daily exposure to each other's personal annoying habits, and major conflicts over high-stakes issues like finances and what your future lives will look like, will drive you apart.
another reason not to do it is because you're both still young there's a good chance one or both of you will, at some point in the future, meet the people of your dreams. But if you're already married to each other and have kids, then what? You won't be able to pursue the great relationship with the person who's right for you and live a fulfilling life, all because you are by now tied to each other in a ho-hum relationship that you can't leave because you have kids depending on you to stay together. that would be a terrible situation to be in and it will make you resent each other for lost opportunities. It may make you no longer be friends anymore, even though you are married to each other.
Or, what about if you marry and have kids, and then later on he finds his true love and wants to leave you? How would you feel?? if he didn't leave you in that situation he might grow to resent you for preventing him from leaving you due to the kids. You may be tired of being single right now, but if you settle for each other, what happens when one of you finds the right person later on? (both of you probably will find the right person at some point, but chances are it will happen to one of you first)
therefore, do not marry him. if you know each other so well yet don't already feel like you were meant for each other, then you're not. Friends are great, but it's not the same thing as being married.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): do you fancy him? Cause chances of a marriage working when you're not sexually attracted to the other person are pretty thin, if you love him you need to see if you're compatible in this other area as well, besides try actually DATING him first, cause one thing is a friendship another is a lifelong commitment people are not taking marriage seriously these days but please do, specially if you want to have children, see if you work out together as a couple before you start breeding!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): Sounds like you both have feelings for each other. I would say ask him out and see where it goes. You might find your perfect together if you try. Just don't rush into marriage or children. Take it slow and see if the love grows into something.
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female
reader, person12345  +, writes (7 November 2012):
 Why do you have to rush into marriage? Why can't you just date and see if there's something there first? Gotta walk before you can run. You have to make sure he's someone you can have fireworks with, not someone who is just comfortable. I don't see the harm in going on a few dates to see how things pan out though.
I can't imagine marrying someone without the fireworks though. Relationships can't last on stability alone, there needs to be chemistry. You need to make each other laugh and smile, there needs to be sexual chemistry, I'm guessing if you haven't felt the chemistry after being friends this long, it will never be there.
But again, I don't see the harm in a date or two.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 November 2012):
 Well, having children involves having sex. So why not do like others have suggested, and see if you can have sex together? He said he will do anything to please you, that's all good, but unless you are sexually attracted to him, and he is sexually attracted to you, making these children would be difficult. Having a marriage would be difficult as well, because if you can not please one another then chances are high one of you will seek a lover outside of the marriage. And really, even if it is marriage out of convenience, once married you need to be faithful towards one another. This means, no lovers on the side.
It isn't a completely ridiculous idea, people marry for this reason all over the world. You already love one another, you already have a friendship. But, relationship, and especially marriage, requires a very different form of relationship than what a friendship is. So, although you have a good fiundation for a marriage, doesn't mean you go together well as married partners.
Have a relationship together first for about a year, perhaps? Then if it all goes well, marry after the end of that year.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): Just give it a test run sure and start a romantic relationship.
Make no promises and don't do this out of some kind of fake sense of desperation. You're nearly 30 OMFG!!! How old.
I'm mid 30's and still not married with kids.
I found the love my life around your age, so marriage and kids is in the works. But I certainly wouldn't shack up with a friend because I'm some kind of lonely, desperate weirdo at 30. If you think convenience will hold you together then you're crazy. You really think you can spend the next 50+ years with a man who is only a friend then you're mad, not only that but what makes you think you won't get lonely? You can't fake romantic love OP and you think you can go the rest of your life without romantic love just to satisfy some kind of desperation to fit into some societal or personal timescale?
So shacking up with a friend because you're nearly 30 and can't find a lover was part of the plan was it?
Try a romantic relationship OP, friends can make great lovers and can make it work.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 November 2012):
 for many many many years marriages were business arrangements... they were not about love even in the middle class and below... it was arranged... in some religions it still is.
IF you like him and he's your best friend and you can see being sexual with him and he feels the same way about you, I can see this working...
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 November 2012):
 I thought these things only happened in sit-coms... the two buddies who agree " if we don't find anybody by age 30, then we shall marry each other "...
It's funnier in sitcoms than in real life, though.
In real life ,being married and stay married is not necessarily a picnic, in fact it takes effort, committment , a lot of patience and a lot of love to make it work and to make it last. You basically accept to shrae your space, your time, your future, often your financial resources to with somewhat of a stranger, it's not as easy as you assume, and if there is not ,not only all I have quoted before, but also some passion, some sparkle,some magic that makes this somewhat of a stranger worth the hassle ,....then it becomes soon really just a hassle.
Plus, I frankly cannot relate to the reason for this arranged marriage. Yes, having kids is cool, and being a parent is nice- if it happens. Without pushing for it at any cost. I am a parent myself and being a parent has also been a big part of my identity... a part, not the whole. It's not that being a parent should enclose and define ALL that you are and that you want from life .And IMO it should never become so, - it's not that a life without offspring is a life not worth living ! I wish you to have in future all the children you want - with the man you love. But if you ask me, if you don't find the love you want, better be happily single and childless , than just breeding with the first available guy just because is " convenient ".
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 November 2012):
 KIDS not kinds... Grrr no not being able to edit lol
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (7 November 2012):
You need to find out first if you love each other and if you could be that person for one another. So date and see if you can get the sparks going.
If not, it's not a good idea to do this even if you both have the wish of having children. There are too many people on this world as we speak, so bringing another child into the world just because you want one is not a good idea unless you're certain you two could give that child exactly what he/she needs. Yes I get it, the biological clock is ticking, but in all honestly you both have enough time to make it happen, 10 years basically. So why not be fair to the child and wait for the right moment instead of just making this 'arrangement'.
Also, arrangements like these not made out of love rarely work out. There's a big chance that you'll both get to a point in your life where you both do meet someone you fancy. I mean gods, you're both acting like you're ancient, while in reality you're just starting out in life.
Think well before you do this. You could ruin the friendship forever and ruin a child's life as well because of some irrational sense of urgency.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 November 2012):
Honestly people have married for less.
A Green Card, to get a Government allowance, for medical or religious reasons.
Personally, though... I would ONLY marry for love. Otherwise what's the point? And what would happen the MOMENT either of you found that special someone? Well, then the marriage is no longer convenient is it? And then what about any kinds that might have been born "out of convenience" too? How fair is it to bring kinds into THAT mess?
Yea I'd rather be single then do this. To me, MARRIAGE actually means something.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (7 November 2012):
 OP call me old fashioned but for me the only reason to get married is love. Do you really think that a marriage of convenience is a good enough reason? What are you going to tell your kids? Mommy and daddy got married because we couldn't find anyone else to get married to?
Dont rush into anything just because it seems fine now. What if you meet someone you really fall in love with? What if your friend meets someone? What are you going to do then? Stick to your loveless but convenient marriage?
Its a horrible idea to jump to any conclusive decision based on your biological clock. Your friend's parents want grandchildren but that doesnt mean he marries you because he hasnt found anyone else! This thing sounds more and more absurd every second!
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female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (7 November 2012):
 How is this a marriage of convenience if you love him? Do you know how he feels about you outstide friendship? People for decades have had arranged marriages and it has worked, so who knows this might just work, however I would want the full package and expect the love and romance. Follow your heart as long as you dont have regrets later.
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