A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a friend I've known for a little over 4 months now. She insisted I move in with her, so I could get away from my abusive soon to be ex husband. She has slowly become my best friend as I learn to trust more and more. I trust her pretty much completely now and now I am somewhat confused about my feelings for her. I still am interested in guys mostly from a sexual standpoint, but I am having feelings towards my best friend. It is getting hard to keep these feelings hidden. I'm wondering if I should tell her how I feel or if it would freak her out and end our friendship or cause tension. She has told me she's not a lesbian, which I'm not either, but she has been with another woman before experimentally. I find myself fantasizing about being with my best friend. My feelings are strong enough I feel the need to protect her, help her when she's sick and do anything for her I can. There are nights I'd love to just lie next to her and cuddle. I've never ever felt this way about a woman before. Am I just confused from lack of attention from my abusive ex and because she basically rescued me from him, or how do I know these feelings are real. I'd love to be with her for a long time, but I am so afraid of telling her. Any advice?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 February 2011):
 I have a cookie recipe for "Dirty Balls". Haven't tried it yet but it does sound yummy.
A
male
reader, oneguy +, writes (4 February 2011):
First, the important stuff -
Hahaha hey "Dirty balls", you know what your new name is, so why haven't you changed it yet?! ;P
Next, the really important stuff -
Miss,
What you're seeing is just an extreme appreciation of your friend's kindness and love towards you, that's all. Love is universal and transcends sexual desire.
So, take it easy! Cuddle with her as long as you really really love her for what she is and not just what she has done for you. It happens. And it will go away after some time. You really seem to have been blessed with a lovely person with a lovely personality and probably you should learn some aspects of her personality! Learn to master possessiveness if you can.
All the best!
Regards,
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (4 February 2011):
 Dirty Balls?!? I keep them very clean thank you very much. Thanks though.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): Dirty Balls said it best... I think you are rightly stressed and probably have a lot to process since you just got out of an abusive relationship. Given your recent experience, it's understandable why you really hate men at the moment or find them repulsive. I agree sexuality can be seen as a spectrum between gay and straight, but I also think it has to do a lot to do with our sense of security and how we perceive the world around us.I've tried women too when I felt like men were too difficult to be with or they were incapable of caring for me. I have a female friend who occasionally (and especially she's having a rough patch) will make a passes at me or stare in a not so comforting way. Just because she's a woman and she's similar to you, and she's 180 degrees from your ex husband doesn't mean she's any less a complex and conflicted individual as yourself. Having sex with her, would NOT be a way out from your day to day problems or your past which seems to be quite traumatic.My advice: Don't tell her. She is extending her self now with her house and her sympathy, if you ask for too much, you might cross a boundary.Your relationship with her feels like a miracle (and it is...she seems like a really good person) and so you think there is something more. There's not, she is a distraction from some pretty hard questions you need to answer. Like why did you get into a relatioship with that abusive guy? If you can afford it, get counseling.Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (3 February 2011):
 It was a very nice thing of your friend to take you in like that to help you escape from your abusive relationship, she sounds like a really good friend. However i would refrain from telling her how you feel, i think if you do it could make things somewhat arkward. I just think as you have just come out of an abusive retationship you are very confused and your emotions are a little unsettled. Give yourself time to get over this, im sure these feelings you are having for your friend will lessen over time. I also think abit further down the line you will look back and you will be glad you never mentioned anything.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (3 February 2011):
I think you are confused, but I also think you should tell her. I doubt she'll be creeped out as long as you aren't professing undying love or anything. Just tell her what you're feeling and that you're feeling a bit confused by it.
Ultimately these feelings are probably coming from the fact that she saved you, so be careful. Still, I think that a good friend won't be put out by something like this either.
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A
female
reader, pink_daisy +, writes (3 February 2011):
 I feel like you have answered your own question in two different ways :)
First off, you say you do not know if these feelings are real and valid emotions or if you just want attention from the lack of it you received from your ex husband. As a woman, I'd say it's quite likely that that is the case. And perhaps since this friend is the person you have the most contact with on a day to day basis, then it's most likely very natural to feel this way towards her.
Albeit, if you GENUINELY want to be with her for a long time as you put it, then obviously this is not just passing feelings of desiring attention.
So perhaps if you feel you do truly want a relationship and for her to be your girlfriend, if it was me, I guess I would try talking hypothetically about it. Like approach her and start a conversation saying something like, "So I know you've been with women sexually in the past but, would you ever date one?" or something along those lines!
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A
female
reader, Blonde68 +, writes (3 February 2011):
I may be wrong here, but I sense that you are starting to have these strong feelings for your friend because she has been kind and showed you some genuine "friendship" love. Its obvious that you haven't had any kind of love for sometime if you have been in an abusive marriage.
She took you in and provided you with a safe haven and has been there for you when you have been at your lowest. I feel once you start becoming stronger and making your own path in your new life without your ex husband, these feelings for desiring her in the way you do at the moment will fade.
By the way, well done for getting out of your abusive marriage... its not easy!
Good luck x
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