A
female
age
30-35,
*yDaysOnceRevolvedAroundYou
writes:I don't even know where to start..Well, my first relationship was with a guy I would have given the earth to, I did pretty much anything and everything he asked me to - I completely doted on this guy because I loved him as well as him being my first love. We lasted just under two years within that time he hurt me physically and screwed me up mentally by cheating, lying, hitting, kicking.. you name it he'd probably done it. He left me for another girl, well infact he never even left me, he just got into a relationship with someone else and broke my heart.I have continuously tried to move on and tell myself that I don't need him anymore. I have dated other people, slept with other people even - and I have never gotten over the guy earlier mentioned.But here comes the question; my best friend who I love dearly has feelings for me, I do love him but I'm not sure if I love him the way he loves me because I'm still not over my ex. What should I do ?
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female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (24 June 2011):
 I'd say give yourself time before you go jumping into any relationship.
I was in a similar situation, and my friend didn't push me to be in a relationship with him. He was just there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on, and put up with a lot of my bullsh*t during that "getting over the ex" time.
I did eventually reciprocate his feelings and we're together now. If it's what you want, then go for it, but you don't need to do it right away. If he really loves you, he will wait because he knows you're still hurting.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): Best to be honest with your friend as it would cruel to have him hope if there is nothing to hope for. It's very painful loving someone who doesn't love you back so please take this into account.You seem very young to have had so much experience - why not go out and just have some fun, without thinking of having a relationship?
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A
male
reader, spinnaker  +, writes (24 June 2011):
 Getting over some one takes some time - especially getting over someone who has affected you as you say. It is not as easy as flipping a switch and moving on.
You need to allow yourself to be angry and resentful and hurt. LEt those feelings and sentiments get processed rather than burying them and calling it moving on.
Remember by entering into a relationship you are sharing a portion of yourself with that person. If you drag all the suspicions of past relationships into a new relationship - it is not fair for either you or the guy you are dating. Mind you, you may not be intentionally dragging such into this new relationship but if you just ignore your feelings over the matter, things will come up later that could cause trouble.
Best to start with a clean slate and the best way to accomplish that is to start working on yourself. Pick up a new hobby or interest - invest somehow into yourself because you are worth it regardless of what the ex says.
Work on #1 and you will be better off to work with #2.
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A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (24 June 2011):
 I think really we have to deal with the first issue before we deal with your best friend. As you rightly say your not over your ex so you will struggle if you start anything with your best friend. Obviously this guy was very special to you and you gave him alot of yourself. However, you have to ask yourself some big questions here like, if we are honest, what about him as a person makes him worthy of those feelings?
Nothing you have written here suggests he is worthy of your love and devotion which you gave of so freely. In fact, you may well think your feelings for your ex are love for him but another question is, is it him or the pain he caused you that your still in love with? I'm wondering if your continuing attachment to your ex could have something to do with your own low self esteem? Honestly, do you not think you deserve better because I am sure you do.
Now with regards to your best friend, maybe you should take some time to explore your feelings for him - don't put any pressure on yourself and dont promise anything you cant deliver to him BUT I think you should at least try. If it does develop it does, if it doesnt it doesnt, you need time to heal from your very damaging previous relationship so take your time to do that and then see if you feel you can love your friend in this way. Good luck and take care :)xx
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