A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my bf were in good relationship but I messed up everything . We loved each other alot . I used to hide things and our relationship become worse than anything. Day before yesterday we decided to forgot the past and started a fresh relationship. We decided to be transparent now . And then yesterday I got a call from my ex and called him back to say that please do not call me or message me , I am happy with my bf . He disconnected . I was tensed and deleted his call details and call recording also. In evening, my bf caught me that I talked with my ex . He was too angry ,hell alot . He abused me , he hitted me so badly and said that he want to end the relationship right now , anyhow. I am so worried, unable to understand what to do . He loved me alot but I made him to do these things with me. I do not want to loose him . Now he is with me ,saying ok we are in a relationship but I don't know may be he can change his statement after moving to next city . He is going to shift in delhi after 15-20days . I am confused what to do ? Do I need to try to get the things fixed in the remaining time ? .. please help me..
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male
reader, Boris Grushenko  +, writes (6 August 2019):
 @Female anonymous
It's quite common for victims of emotional or physical abuse to be "ok" with the abuse. While recognizing a slap in the face is far easier then recognizing a situation in which insults and manipulation occur on a regular basis, in both cases the victims tend to accept what happens to them is a result of their own behaviour.
As the OP said: "He loved me alot but I made him to do these things with me," points out the result of how a victim's thoughts and emotions are reshaped by an offender. Something along the lines of "we both know this is not right, but I would not have don this if you hadn't ..." which is a line of thought we are all prone to fall for. It's hard to explain how it works but in a way, the victim is forced to feel a certain degree of compassion for the offender whether the offender genuinely feels sorry for his misdeeds or not.
As for seeing a therapist, I do still agree with you, be it for different reasons.
Sure, there might be a reason why the OP fell for this guy; if this is the fourth or fifth relationship in which some form of abuse occurs, there might be a pattern. At her age and within a society that - in general - holds a conservative view towards relationships, this eems quite unlikely. I would not think of a pattern here, unless the OP states differently.
One thing I know from experience is that any form of abuse will leave a scar. It is definitely best to address the emotional harm that has been done. If not, this whole experience might indeed mark the start of a series of abusive partners. Then again, it might not and the OP could just as well meet the nicest man on earth within a few months. But seeing a therapist won't hurt, if anything it will help overcome the emotional difficulties of a breakup and mend the fears and insecurities that result from being with an abusive partner.
@OP:
Please move on with your life. Leave this guy and never take him back. Abusive people tend to become worse over time, mostly because they have their way of getting away with things and the lack of opposition kind of tells them they are right in their behaviour. This guy will never change for the better, no matter what he promises. He will never be a better person. Ever.
You did not mess up anything. He was messed up before you met him.
Also do net feel ashamed for what happened. There was nothing wrong with your behaviour, even though this guy went out of his wits to prove differently.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2019): He hit you! That is never ok ever!You know you can do much better.Do not stay with him.Break up with him.He is not worth anything.Get therapy because you being ok with him hitting is quite a problem.And you are ok with it....read what you wrote.Someone who loves you will never ever hit you ever.I have been married 37 years and my husband in all that time has never hit me.never.He knows if he ever did he would be out that door so fast because I would keep the house.There are good guys out there who would not hit you.There really are.Hitting you is not normal.Get help.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (3 August 2019):
 Do not EVER take the blame for someone being violent or abusive towards you. Whatever you may have done, there is absolutely NO justification for violence (be it physical, emotional or verbal).
Your boyfriend has already shown his true colours. Believe me, things will only get WORSE with time. He will find "reasons" to beat you with more regularity.
Please realize you deserve better and get out before he does you some serious harm. NOBODY deserves to be treated in this way. Is this what you want your future children to grow up witnessing?
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A
female
reader, KeW +, writes (2 August 2019):
 Hi there,
Please escape him. Hitting is never okay. He could break your arm or cause a lifelong scar next time. It may get even worse than that one day.
Good luck, OP.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 August 2019):
 YOU did nothing wrong.
YOU told your ex that you wanted NO further contact.
If I were you I'd let this guy go. IF he can HIT you and HARM you for telling an ex to stop contacting you, what ELSE will he HIT you for?
Hitting you is just NOT OK. EVER. when you LOVE someone you don't harm them, you don't hurt them and you CERTAINLY don't HIT them.
Why would you think he would EVER make a decent partner? He can't even control himself or his temper. Next time he might break your nose, an arm or kill you... IS he really worth that? No.
He sounds like a piece of crap. I'd dump him and find someone who WILL treat you right.
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