A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is more like a frustration rant. My last relationship ended years ago. Since then, I have been going on dates, dating events etc but have not found anyone suitable. A year back, I have also signed with matchmaking agencies where I spent over $10k without much success.My good friend which I have known since secondary school is recently attached. She has just gotten out of her marriage, a divorcee with three kids, and has already found a partner. If all goes well as planned, she is planning to marry next year.I can't help but think why am I so unlucky in love? Do guys nowadays go for divorcees? Is it the new trend?I also have a cousin who was also divorced with a kid. Just a few months after her divorce, she got a new bf and now they are married. Why is it that they can get hitched so easily? Whereas for me, I have been looking for years without any success. People generally think I'm a nice person and I do get approached by guys on the streets asking for my number, so I don't think I looked that bad.Even though I know I should not compare myself with my friend, I can't help it. I feel so depressed wondering am I doomed to be single for life.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (6 August 2019):
 I agree you are completely right not to "settle", and most certainly not for someone you don't even like. Dating is all about "trying before buying". If you try and don't like, move on and try another. When you meet the right one, you will understand why the others did not work out.
Go and travel for a while and take your mind off dating. It's often when we stop looking that what we need appears.
Bon voyage.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 August 2019):
 Go travel, OP
Enjoy life. Enjoy who you are. Challenge yourself to be the best version of you, you can be.
My guess is, when you are CONTENT in your life and yourself meeting someone whom you can ALSO be content with is more likely to happen. It's kind of like the "what you put out in the universe, the universe responds to".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the great advice.
I do agree with WiseOwlE that I shouldn't have spent so much on matchmaking services, I feel rather stupid for doing that.
I have gone on several dates, some repeated ones. There are those that have expressed interested in me but I just don't feel the chemistry. And I don't believe in starting a relationship with someone whom I don't even like.
I think for the time being, I will just focus on what I really want to do first. Right now, I want to travel and see the world.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2019): People who spend most of their time comparing themselves to others are very unhappy people. They become resentful, desperate, ungrateful, envious, and they complain a lot.
Have you read other rants here on DC? All the stories are similar. This-one has this, and that-one got-that. Why not me? What-about me! It's not your time!
I can't believe you spent 10K on matchmaking-services!!! You wasted your money! They're mostly frauds!
Their main success comes from people who are so desperate, they'll take just about anyone! Whether you love each other or not. They're sad folks just too tired of searching; or so needy, they scare the daylights out of everyone within an arm's-length of them! It wouldn't be an exaggeration to suggest that their clientele have either given-up, and/or just surrendered to their desperation!
Often, it's not even their own fault! Sometimes it's due to their intrusive overbearing-parents! Pressuring them so badly they'd marry a random homeless-person off the street, or anyone with a pulse! I've also read published-articles that many of those match-making service's claimed success-stories are outright lies, or exaggerated ads! That's why you got no success! You may have been jilted! Wonder why they have a no-refund policy? No guarantees, and volumes of disclaimers!
Focus on yourself. Not others. God blesses each of us with love when it's our time. Sometimes there is something in you that needs to be fixed. You may have a call to your destiny that won't let you alter your path. Maybe you're so ungrateful and self-centered; your blessings are delayed for a better phase in your personal-development. I don't believe you can really be "too picky!" If you don't strike-up a lasting mutual-attraction and develop a chemistry that seems to gain momentum; it's better to just back-out of it. Don't settle! You'll end-up broken-apart anyway; if you don't really care for each-other!
Please don't take offense. I've never met you; but there are some reasons many people just can't seem to connect with others in a romantic-sense. If you can't make or keep friends, you always seem to be in conflict with people, and that's including relatives. There is a major character-flaw (or flaws) that everyone sees but you!
Many people nowadays have their set-ways; and project a "take-it-or-leave-it" attitude. It's all me, me, me, me! My wants, my needs, my insecurities,...me, myself, and I! "I don't want to get hurt, I have trust-issues, my ex hurt me..weh-weh-weh!" If it's so all about you, them be with YOU!!! If your baggage proceeds you, or floats in a bubble above your head... most men will submit to our fight-or-flee instincts! It's better to be a bachelor; than be saddled-down with a high-maintenance drama-queen with a wagon-load of insecurities! To add insult to injury, a text-addict who requires around-the-clock reassurance you care, and you must respond urgently to each ping! With a resume that includes over-developed phone/device-snooping skills! With a degree in monitoring, stalking, and tracking technology!
There are also personalities that are so desperate and needy that they give you the total creeps! They're clingy, over-complimentary, try too hard to make you like them; until...they just get on your nerves, and they make you want to jump out of your skin just being near them!!! They don't realize they're like this, most of the time!
Introspect, and think about how you behaved with everyone you've dated since your 20's. Why did you end each relationship, or why wouldn't they take? It's easy to list all the things the other person did or didn't do; but it's harder to do a self-assessment. I got dumped, and had to focus on who I am. I had to take an overview of my own weaknesses and strengths. I accepted the breakup, and just decided to stop and be happy with being single. Meanwhile, I pursued my interests. I made some new friends, I traveled, and I volunteered. I gave of myself. I got further into my faith and worship. I found purpose for myself, rather than finding fault in others, envying others, or resenting my singleness. Then out of the blue, love found me! It's been good and steady for the last six years! I came to DC to vent, make fun of myself, and then to help others.
If you haven't found love. It's not your time. Love is evasive, and happens when it happens. An old song from the 60's, sung by a popular girl's group called the Supremes, plays on oldies-stations on satellite radio. The lyrics said," You can't hurry love, no...you just have to wait. Love don't come easy...it's a game of give and take!"
It looks easy for others, but you have no idea how they may have compromised and rushed into it. They may just end-up here asking for help; because they overlooked red-flags, threw caution to the wind, or let fear of loneliness force them to be impetuous and stupid. Divorcee's often become divorced more than once; because they just miss being married, yet they haven't changed their old-ways. They drag the same faults and weaknesses from one marriage to the next. If they have kids, they just want help...any help...anybody! They'll say yes to the first guy who proposes. In less than two-years, they're divorced again with one or two extra kids in-tow!
Keep your eyes focused on your own life. If you're single with much time on your hands; make yourself useful, and give something back to your community. Mentor girls, coach a team, volunteer to help the needy; and God will smile on you, and open-up a blessing with specifically your name on it. It's a matter of timing...being in the right-place, at the right-time. You can try and rush it, but you'll frustrate yourself. Keep dating and drop your "hopeless" attitude. Enjoy dating for fun, and get-off your manhunt mission. If you can't snag a man; then you'll get embittered, frustrated, and you'll complain. You'll project a nasty vibe around men; because you believe they should want you, just because you think they should. We all have to wait our turn!
You're getting on your own nerves; and getting in your own way, my dear! Change your attitude!!! Let the divorcees go through their whirlwind-romances; with their poor kids forced to endure their hasty-choices. Check them out next year! Most likely they'll be an anonymous-poster right here at DC! You'll never know! You're too busy looking at the still shiny-surface to see the undertow, or the dismal murky-waters below!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (3 August 2019):
Most of your post is about other people. It would have been much more useful if you had given more details about what has gone wrong when YOU have dated.
Dating is not a competition or a race. One of your friends finding someone they are happy with does not mean YOUR chances of doing likewise are diminished.
Your outlook seems to be,"if someone who is divorced with kids can manage to find a partner, I who have never married and have no kids should not have a problem". Why is someone who has been married, divorced and had children a second class citizen in comparison to someone who has done none of those things? Marriages fail for all sorts of reasons. Being divorced does not make someone a bad person.
I wonder, do you perhaps give the impression on dates that you think you are more "special" than people like those to whom you refer? Perhaps it is this feeling of superiority and entitlement which puts men off? Or maybe you have a fixed idea of what you want in a partner and write off men if they don't tick all the boxes? As I said, you don't give much detail so we can only speculate.
Perhaps a bit more information would help?
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (3 August 2019):
 I don't mean to sound like I'm sermonising but I truly feel that you should never compare yourself to others. Maybe they just met the right person at the right time or maybe they're just really quick to fall in love. They're divorcees so they've obviously made a mistake once and who knows, maybe they're doing it again.
Marriage does not necessarily mean a happy ending; it's just the end of dating. I think what you're doing is much wiser- you're not settling for just about anyone. You're taking your time and that is the right thing to do.
My one advice to your would be to stop spending money on dating sites and just stop looking so hard. Go to social events instead, maybe some hobby groups or book clubs, where you might meet like-minded people. Enjoy your single life while you can... married life isn't as exciting as you think it is! When you do get married, you'll look back at these days with envy!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2019): Do you realize that out of everything you've written
"[I] have not found anyone suitable"
is the only thing you've said that gives us the slimmest clue as to why you are not in a relationship currently.
This begs the question: if everything that has a beginning has an end, how focused on learning from the endings you've experienced have you been?
In how many instances are you able to say that introspection has allowed you subsequently to set your finger on exactly what did *not* work out?
There is a lack of that information in your post.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2019): You should review your past relationships and determine where you were going wrong and why they were terminated. Also you should review all past date offers you turned down and determine why you turned them down? The reasons could be any multitude of things. Either they could have found you too snobish and awesome or too clinchy and dependent or too boring. Only you can tell. Maybe your specifications for a partner are too stringent. Maybe you are aiming for too high. Only you can find the answers after a deep soul search.
I can tell you of my experience. I also considered myself unlucky with girls in my dating years. Looking back to those years now I can't help but laugh at my self how shallow and naive I was. How I wish sometimes if I can relive those years but with todays knowledge and experience. Only you yourself can tell where you are going wrong. Have fun.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 August 2019):
I think finding a suitable and well matched partner is mostly luck.
I don't think divorcees are in vogue, but I do think have have WAY better chances of finding a new partner than they did 20+ years ago.
Maybe ASK where they met their significant other? Maybe it's NOT you, but WHERE you look for a guy. Change things up? Try new things.
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