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anonymous
writes:I recently welcomed a young adult daughter back home after she started self harming because her same age boyfriend was disregarding her sexual wishes. He wanted to do some things she did not and forced these things on her.She is still his girlfriend and they have a lot to do with each other.As he gets more used to me, her boyfriend is groping her more and more in front of me. I am uncomfortable about this. So far I have been ignoring it.Why do you think he gropes he in front of me, and what could I do about this without upsetting my daughter? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAn Update: I spoke to my daughter & the groping in front of me stopped. Yes, I think he was like a dog peeing on things to mark them. The more I see of him, the more I think he is not a good catch. I hope she sees this in time.
I do what I can with her, bit by bit. But she is an adult & it is not my right to tell her what to do. Nor could I even be sure what she should do.
Yes, she has issues. I agree that she needs help. The question is where from. I am worried about her.
She uses drugs, but that seems very common, not that I think that is a good idea. It worries me.
One thing I have learned in my home - husband & kids - is that I am on the outer. I am treated like that & have been exceedingly disrespected. That has improved overall over time as I have hung in there & been assertive though "You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear". But I need to tread carefully. I can offer little acts of gentle wisdom, etc. They may make a difference & have at times.
Thanks for all the advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010):
it should have been worded this way , FYI
As he gets more used to me, he is groping her more and more in front of me.
vs As he gets more used to me, her boyfriend is groping her more and more in front of me.
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reader, Miamine  +, writes (2 March 2010):
 Sorry Mrs, but I really must give some support to our dear anonymous aunt, I know they upset you in "how" they first approached you, but they are talking a lot of sense. I know this is not what you want to hear, and you may feel attacked. But what they are saying is perfectly true and correct.
Yes, I can see you fighting back, and asserting yourself in this post, and it's delightful seeing you do this.
But anon is a friend, please don't be angry and disregard their words.
With abuse, we find many ways to cope. I am very scared for your daughters mental state. This "drift sort of way" she has of handling things, is not good, and suggests that she is not seeing the reality of things.
I notice that you like "harmony" which is a can be "survival" technique of just staying alive and not going insane. Telling your daughter to deal with her boyfriends actions is going to prove very hard for her. If he's already forced her into to sex, and he's groping her in an inappropriate way and making her into an object of sex, then she's gonna find it hard to tell him to stop. It just becomes another thing that she can let "drift". I wish you could just have a little strength, to take control a little bit. She can't protect herself, that's why she's in this situation. A third person, an older person like you, could have had a big effect if you had done what Calico suggested, and made plain your disapproval, even if you had to do it in a "non-offensive, non-threatening way"...
Bullies, and that's what he is, love keeping secrets, hate to be challenged. You've made your home into the perfect arena to allow him to gain more power. Not only over your daughter, but now over you and your house. In a way, you and your daughters fear and wish for peace, is helping to feed this beast and allow him to get stronger.
Sorry, I have no wish to hurt. I can see how far you have come, and how deserveably proud you are of yourself... :) But I wish you'd push yourself just a little harder, cause disruption in your space, demand that this man respect you, in the long run, it'll decrease rather than increase the problem.
Blessings to you and your daughter, I hope you both find a way out of this hell.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): Here's some "I" talk to give you an idea of where I am coming from: I come a family of abuse. People cried at my grandfather's funeral out of relief, not sadness, because he was so abusive. The cycle of abuse continues in my family. My uncles and aunts are abusers or married abusers. My cousins are abusers or married abusers. My siblings are abusers or married to abusers. I fear for the next generation.I am one of a few people in my family who does not have an issue with drugs/alcohol.I was severely neglected as a child. My mother was incapable of caring for me because she couldn't care for herself. I was not until I was an adult that I came to understand that her behavior is as a result of the severe abuse she received from her father and others.When I was younger, I was drawn to abusive men. That's all I knew. I didn't understand kindness or respect or that it wasn't necessary for me to accept mistreatment: I thought it was "normal" to have my boyfriend say nasty things to me or slap me around if he felt like it. I got tired of not feeling good and I don't want my mother's life, so I speak to a therapist. I take Wellbutrin because I recognize that there is no way one can grow up around people who are in pain and not carry some of that pain yourself; it keeps my mood stable. I have gone through several therapists in order to find one that was the right fit.Speaking with a mental health professional gave me the courage to assert myself more in life and realize that I have a right to be safe and healthy. Although my job is not in danger because I choose therapy, I am a professional and I sometimes worry that this is information that could become a source of gossip if anyone found out who I am and where I come from. Nevertheless, my life is not about my job, it is about myself and I will do whatever it takes to make sure I am okay.I limit my interaction with my family, and they are not very happy with me because of it. I don't care that they speak ill of me, I will not be around them because they make me feel unsafe. I am determined that the cycle of abuse and dysfunction ends with my line. My children will not be mistreated, nor will I allow someone to mistreat me.I know you feel attacked by my post, but I actually was hoping that you would understand that you and your daughter deserve to be safe and that as you said, some behaviors are learned. I understand this, as I am trying to un-learn decades of thought patterns that are a result of the situation I grew up with. And though you may see it as naive, I needed the help of an impartial party to help me through this process.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi anon. Thanks for replying. And I am really impressed by your apologies & validation re abuse.
You said a lot of "You..." things about me. I felt so glad you were in no position of power over me because it seemed to me you missed the real me in doing so - there were aspects of the truth but they seemed to be twisted terribly out of shape. I should perhaps add that I am very much in touch with reality & have excellent insight. But I'm not going to explain myself in detail. I reckon I said it all before anyway. You style seemed vaguely reminiscent of the Freudian approach at its worst.
But I will answer this. You said:
"You say your daughter cannot get professional help because of her profession, but she needs help so she won't repeat your cycle of abuse. There is no shame in getting help and I understand that sometimes the embarrassment that accompanies abuse makes people reluctant to seek assistance. How do you plan to clear your "head spaces & related emotions" and gain the "ability to act enable" yourselves to do live better lives if you don't seek help? "
Correction:
It is INADVISABLE for my daughter to get professional help as she could lose her job if her concerns are reported to her professional board. Fact. Indeed, I rang her board anonymously about it & the conversation I had was chilling. Shame & embarassment are not the right words and miss the point. I said nothing about shame or embarassment. This might apply to some people, but not all people have the same reactions, motivations, etc. When attempting to help someone, it seems a good idea to work out how things are for him or her. Otherwise one runs the risk of running with one's imagination and projections.
Your views on the merits of seeking, I assume you mean professional, help strike me as naive for a number of reasons and you seem to err in thinking that this is the only way to make progress. I do know what I am talking about but choose to say no more about this matter.
I will add that it is mighty hard to listen to someone who comes at me with a tsunami of "you" talk. Perhaps you could try saying "I" more and your doubtless valuable ideas could be paid better attention to when package in a less dominating manner.I don't believe this just applies to me.
Accurate listening skills are a real asset. Their inaccurate version is a covert form of abuse. This can be very destructive when done to people who don't understand what is happening or whose hold on reality is shaky. Fortunately, thank God, this does not apply to me. Counselling/therapy and related moves as can be made on sites like this one can range from extremely negative through ineffective to highly positive. Above all, surely, do no harm?
Oh, yes, and one does not have to know it all or be always right. We are all intrinsically of worth just as we essentially are. And a person does not have to be a bottomless pit of erudition and psychic abilities to be of worth. Might have to clean up our acts a bit though.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCalico. Thanks. And thanks for journeying with me on this.
You said, about me:
"yuo give this man more power over your daughetr when you present yourself as weak and shy of rocking his boat.
if you patter around him , worried to do or say things in case you upset him he then has control over all of you.
you need to find strengh."
Seems I didn't get something across ok.
My basic problem was that I was not sure the groping was not ok, believe it or not. I can be strong when I am sure I should. Also sometimes I am challenged by how best to go about doing something as I didn't exactly grow up with good models of how to go about that and my husband is no star at it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks rcn.I'll work on that.
Basically I have no problem with it; sounds mostly straight just fine with some aspects I need to process/think about more but which may well then be just fine too.
About your previous reply, I found it VERY HELPFUL & many thanks for it.
I didn't find you abusive at all.
"You..." one up, one down, talk I find challenging. You know, from the type with a crystal ball or the felt ability to tap into a universal fountain of knowledge/absolute truth, and a big stick they slap around if they think you're out of line. I happen to be married to one of these. Oh, and he sulks too. I don't think any of this applies to you.
The word "victim" I find puzzeling. I understand it sometimes as in "blaming the victim". But there is another use that confuses me. I think that may be when it is applied in an accusing tone to me when I don't do what someone angrily thinks I should. I sense something of an inconsistency here in what they are saying and doing. But there could be something in it; am still working on that one. A break in being labelled/diagnosed by such people and given instructions, accompanied by a simple sharing of why they think what they do could help. The judgments & orders are not exactly self-explanatory. They seem to say "I know best; you are wantonly choosing to do a bad thing; so do what I say."
And did I not say all that assertively :) ?
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reader, rcn  +, writes (2 March 2010):
 Lets talk assertive. People, generally don't like hurting the others feelings, especially when related. So often things don't get said. Two months ago, I told my own mother to get checked for situational anxiety disorder. She didn't talk to me for two days. My dad called, confirmed it saying he knows somethings wrong, everyone else does, but we just don't tell her that. Wouldn't that be the same as telling someone what they want to hear and not what they need to hear?
I won't tell you to stop being a victim or creating her into one. I believe you're a victim more of yourself than anyone else, as you said needing to develop some of these coping and dealing with techniques. Fear is what develops us into victims of others and ourselves. "What will they think of us?" "OMG, tell them what?"
I told you his behavior is not to disrespect you as much as it is to assert his control over your daughter in front of you. I'm going to tell you this, not out of disrespect, but out of importance to tell you what you need to hear, although it may be tough to grasp at this point. Asserting control, and escalating it as he becomes more comfortable with you is his claim of "ownership" over your daughter, marking his territory in a manner of speaking. Reason for being assertive, and possibly pissing off your daughter, but she'll thank you later, is that these behaviors are generally found in EVERY case where someone tries to leave the relationship, and ends up hurt or dead. He's the type that stalks her to where she works, pours gas on her and lights it, because "she has no right to leave him."
This is not a situation to be taken lightly and developing coping methods. This is one where you say, OK got my balls attached, here are your, now what are we going to do to get you safe. (I am a Reverend, but felt that terminology is needed for the affect of urgency) She needs her life back, with her life back, you can both work on the other things together. You can work on building your sense of self, personal strength in developing boundaries of what you will and will not accept as treatment from others. You two are not any less important than anyone else, and shouldn't accept any less treatment. Love is not controlling, it is not abusive, but so many say, "he or she loves me, even though they beat me, restrict my friendships etc." I'm sorry, but NOPE. He was giving her reason to self mutilate, where is the love there?
Let her know that she's not alone, and that you'll be there to go through this healing process with her. I hope this helps you. Take care, and I wish the best for both of you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): I apologize for the disrespectful tone of my post and I think the two posts after mine were better at expressing my thoughts. You perceived my comment as abusive and you were assertive in defending yourself, so despite what you say, you do know how to stand up for yourself. You can demand respect from me--a random poster on an internet forum--but you can't demand respect in your own home without feeling that you are "making trouble". I hope you can channel some of that assertiveness in your real life and begin to defend yourself against people who abuse you--I honestly mean this, no sarcasm is intended at all.
Perhaps "victim" was the wrong choice of word; what you are doing is behaving as though you are helpless and have no agency in your own life. You are deferring to the needs of others and not honoring your own need for respect. You use the analogy of an abused dog, but what you forgot to take into consideration that the abused dog cowering under the sink will snap at you if it feels threatened. This animal has a desire for self-preservation and will attack to protect itself in times of danger. Are you not worth more than a dog? Do you not have a right to be safe, loved, and treated with respect?
You say your daughter cannot get professional help because of her profession, but she needs help so she won't repeat your cycle of abuse. There is no shame in getting help and I understand that sometimes the embarrassment that accompanies abuse makes people reluctant to seek assistance. How do you plan to clear your "head spaces & related emotions" and gain the "ability to act enable" yourselves to do live better lives if you don't seek help?
"Oh yes, and frustration is no excuse for abuse. There is no excuse for abuse. Abuse is wrong, no excuses."
So why do you continue to allow it in your home? If you don't want to stand up to her boyfriend, that's your choice, but understand that he will continue to behave inappropriately in front of you and abuse your daughter in whatever way he chooses.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh yes, and frustration is no excuse for abuse. There is no excuse for abuse. Abuse is wrong, no excuses.
Sometimes it is simply hard to know what is abuse or not when one has been surrounded by abusers all one's life, including now. But I'm working on it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the latest two replies. I appreciate that.
I know something about assertiveness :). I've been struggling to achieve that all my life, way before I knew the word. I can authoritatively tell you, from my own struggles, that being assertive is not just an act coming out of nowhere. Fact is, it comes out of a head space.
Two important things that enable a person to be assertive are confidence that one is ok and can cope with what is at hand in order to get an ok enough outcome; and an idea about what is going on in a particular situation. Then comes the need for the technical knowhow about HOW to be assertive. That last one can be a challenge too but the first two matters are crucial and cannot be assumed to exist. They are LEARNED and in a way that deeply affects the person. And they have to be sorted out enough so the actual act of being assertive can be made.
A gross example is teaching an abused animal to be assertive. You don't tell her off for cowering under a cupboard, or freezing in confusion when you tell her to do something she never learned. But you can teach such animals. I know because I have done it, many times. I am good at itbecause I understand and because I have mastered what that creature needs to learn, the hard way.
But I am still struggling with some more advanced things, which is why I posted the initial question. I felt/sensed he was disrespecting her and me, but I wasn't sure. So I asked here, hoping I'd get answers that helped me get clarity on this. I had asked my husband first. He waved his hand dismissively and said condescendingly "You're worrying about nothing!!!" Yes? Now I think not. But I had to ask here and to weigh up what was said.
I am grateful for the advice I got. Some things I decided were not acceptable to me, like throwing my daughter out, and I dismissed the idea in my mind. But I felt I had to speak up - to be assertive, lol, - when I got the following response (currently the 3rd last):
""I thanked her & added that I didn't want to upset him & that he might get upset about what I said, depending on how he took it."
Why do you care if he gets upset? It's your house!
I think you're still missing the point here--STOP BEING A VICTIM AND STOP GROOMING YOUR DAUGHTER TO BE ONE,TOO!"
I spoke up because I consider that reply to be very disrespectful and I want to speak out about this. That was what my last post was about.
Sometimes it is just a waste of time explaining.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (2 March 2010):
Sorry babes,the stick of course is never meant for you or your daughter, it's for the guys who abused you both. But you are so far away and we can't jump in and set all straight like we'd love too.. Sorry if some words have been harsh, people feel your pain and they just feel very helpless.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI care that he gets upset as I don't want to give my daughter that burden. She is struggling with life right now.
Also it was my way of telling her I do not want to make trouble. I want her to understand that I am not being mean & demanding but rather want to go via the way of peace and harmony.
One cannot count on being understood if one doesn't explain. Even then, one may be misunderstood & jumped on. Of course I don't have to take it personally if that happens. I can ignore it or explain if that seems a good idea. Sometimes it is hard to know which way to go on this. But one can always rethink & act accordingly, depending on how things go.
As for being a victim, that is your opinion. You may be right (& maybe not), but your manner is very uncomfortably blunt and makes the mistake of assuming I know what you are talking about. Why don't you share RESPECTFULLY & ASSERTIVELY (not aggressively) in reasoned words what you mean.
My daughter & I may be doing very well, given how we are & what our lives may be like. Sure, we might (& maybe not) be able to do better, but we can't do that till our head spaces & related emotions & ability to act enable us to do so. We can't see out of anybody's eyes, but our own.What you are doing is the classic "blaming the victim". How about you put down your nasty stick & try to work out how to HELP. Punishment is an act of abuse. So where are YOU at? Maybe you need help too? Who is perfect? Who should tell others what to think & do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): "I thanked her & added that I didn't want to upset him & that he might get upset about what I said, depending on how he took it."
Why do you care if he gets upset? It's your house!
I think you're still missing the point here--STOP BEING A VICTIM AND STOP GROOMING YOUR DAUGHTER TO BE ONE,TOO!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks rcn & IHateWomanBeaters. You have great advice for me here. I understand the why better now & that helps me with the what to do though that is both long & short term, the longer being the harder to work out.
Befire getting these latest two replies, I spoke to my daughter & said I was not happy about what the boyfriend wasdoing. I said I felt he was disrespecting me & that his groping her in front of me was unusual and ikky.
I didn't ask her after all about how she felt about it as doing so seemed too intrusive when it came to saying that. So I just said I was wondering if he was disrespecting her too.
She just replied in the drifty sort of way she has had since she came back, sounding surprised & not saying much. She said she'd speak to him about it. I thanked her & added that I didn't want to upset him & that he might get upset about what I said, depending on how he took it. She said "No, it'll be all right." But I know what he did to her before, and he has been groping her in front of me. Somehow I think she is making it sound way too nothing.
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reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (28 February 2010):
 I was abused as a child as well.
We can either learn from our past or we can let it affect us AND our kids.
I chose to not let it effect me in a negative way.
You can choose to do the same.
This is a multigenerational example of the cycle of abuse.
If you don't stop it, it will go on and on and on. Your family will go down in history 3 and 4 generations from now as that family that has abusers and victims. Your grandkids will be victims of what you and your daughters went through.
If I come across as hostile or aggressive, it is my being short with you and frank and to the point, as issues like this do not go away lightly. You have to take them head on.
Trust me. I have met people in this situation and taken care of this problem 22 times, in person.
Guys like that will not stop until they have a reason to be scared.
You know what you have to do. Motherhood is instinctual. The question is, will you let your fear of your husband be stronger than your fear for your daughter and your maternal instinct.
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reader, rcn +, writes (27 February 2010):
Lets talk a little bit about the "why" verses the action. I'm worried about the behaviors of this guy your daughter is with. When you look at the prior abuse, forcing into sexual acts that she was not wanting to do, that shows a definite controlling nature (ownership) over your daughter.
His groping her in front of you, and as he's more comfortable with you, he does it more and more is not so much to disrespect you as it is to assert his control in your presence. It's as if he's saying, she was yours, but as you can see she's mine now. Reducing his view of your importance in her life, while increasing his ownership level control to show or prove who has the control.
I hate to say it, but if she wants to have any chance at happiness, being with him is not going to get her there. These behaviors are a big part of the government making domestic violence a legal issue and not a domestic one. I'd figure out how to get to her in a big way to get her away from this guy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for the replies. I have read them all carefully and promise to think much more about what you said.
I have already gained insights and help from the answers.
I don't know what OP or PDA means though :) . But I wasn't meaning smooching though I find that a bit off in the circumstances.
I agree with most of what was said and needed that affirmation. My husband (my daughter's father) is abusive to me and has long been so in front of the kids and they have done this to me too. That daughter was very abusive to me as a teenager and I wonder if she could be again and dread that. I know I am not perfect.
I was an abused child. While I'm not ignorant or silly, I have struggled to retain my self esteem and objectivity in my family situations and probably have been far from successful at times. I am too vulnerable to criticism, particularly from people who matter to me. I know the meaning of despair. Curing it is not easy.
I know my daughter must take responsibility for a lot in this groping & related matters, as opposed to my doing so. I am not controlling. That is my husband's speciality. But I do plan to deal with the boyfriend's groping her in the public spaces in MY house, right under my eye. This has to do with MY boundaries and in doing so hopefully I will set her a good example. I will find that threatening and hard to do.
I am not convinced I should ban him from visiting seeing that she invites him. It is her choice and her best chance and best safety may be in remaining at home till she is feeling more ok.
Yes, my daughter has personal "issues" she needs to deal with. She is on antidepressants. Seeking professional help might be unadvisable given her profession. Right now I am probably her best resource and may be the only one she draws on, but first I need to feel sure I am seeing all this objectively. Support will help me.
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reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (27 February 2010):
 Police in Australia dont rush in gung ho with guns at the ready.
Original Poster, caring guy's answer was valid and appropriate.
It seems your adult daughter has been making some bad choices, including her choice of boyfriend. She needs professional help, if you feel you need to talk to somebody before you talk with your daughter give lifeline a call, 13 11 14. Salvo Crisis Line will have a list of referrals for you, 02 9331 2000. You could also try 1800 200 526 (violence against women) but I have no experience of their services.
Just keep reminding yourself, you are not responsible for your daughter's choices, and if she is unwilling to help herself, you may need to consider your options.
Good luck
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reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (27 February 2010):
"caring guy", the most undeserving name ever and aunty bim bim...I seriously hope you never have a daughter, because if you do and she too gets raped by her boyfriend? You will do the wrong thing when it comes to helping her recover from this.I almost got into a bar fight tonight because someone was talking bad about a girl i was with. I didn't even know the guy and i had hung out with her one time. You would abandon your DAUGHTER because her rapist (rape is continued unwanted sexual advances) boyfriend gropes her in your own house? What about the OP? Is she not to blame at all? "Yes sweety, your rapist boyfriend is a terrible man, you can come live with me. Oh wait, he can come too and he can grope you."Its your house and you have a rapist in it. Its not your daughters fault it is yours.You want it to end? Get the rapist out of your house. Beyond Sincerely,IHateWomanBeaters
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you AuntyBimBim and CaringGuy. That helps me get clearer about what to do.
I'll follow this suggestion: "When he's not around, you need to tell her that you find it disrespectful that he gropes her in front of you. If she's really underconfident at the moment, she might welcome you talking to her about it. Ask her how she feels and see what she says."
I'll say this, keeping it calm and gentle. I think it'll help her. She probably is underconfident and I think she needs the safety of being able to be at home and knowing I care and are there for her.
It also helps me too, as it covers how I feel, having him disrespect me too.
It shocked me how he could do this in front of me. It seemed so wrong, but I guess I was underconfident about it too.
A matter I didn't mention was that my husband, her father, constantly disrespects me. Maybe this is a negative influence on both her and myself.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (27 February 2010):
When he's not around, you need to tell her that you find it disrespectful that he gropes her in front of you. If she's really underconfident at the moment, she might welcome you talking to her about it. Ask her how she feels and see what she says.
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reader, lifeisshort +, writes (27 February 2010):
Yea, its showing disrespect and giving him a sense of control over your daughter as well as over you. It's clear this guy is a controlling scumbag. I'm certain your daughter has self esteem issues and thats why this guy is still around. Discuss with your daughter how this behavior makes you feel and how it makes her feel. I doubt he makes her feel respected and only makes her feel good about herself because she needs some guy to 'love' and 'want' her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2010): Why are you scared of upsetting your daughter? Your post talks only about how bad the boyfriend is... but your daughter is the one who needs help getting out of this. Even if she wants to keep this boyfriend -who has been forcing her to do things she does not want to, so much so that she has moved in with you, after some episodes - she still needs to learn how to set boundaries. She probably needs counselling... is she close to any of your friends, another grown up woman who is not scared of upsetting her? If its only about him groping her in front of you, you need to tell her that you are not comfortable with PDA beyond the occasional smooch. She is party to this behaviour. Only she can stop it.
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reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (27 February 2010):
It's a form of disrespect.
I know this may sound harsh, but you say she is an adult, and she is back in your home because of actions by this same boyfriend.
When he is not there, talk to your daughter, tell her how his groping is affecting you, tell her you dont like to see your daughter being treated like this, tell her you dont see it as a demostration of love, but as a demonstration of his disrespect, ask her if she is okay with this behaviour. In light of the reason she is living with you, ask her if she wants this behaviour stopped?
I cant see what benefit her living back at home is, his sexual behaviour doesnt appear to have stopped, he is making you uncomfortable, she is not taking responsibility, you need to be firm. Sorry, tell her the groping either stops or she finds somewhere else to live.
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