A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband of many years has always acted as if I am here for his sex needs. He has also said he married me for sex. He expects I will give him sex. Not that he doesn't tell me other things to do.The best he has improved on is to tell me hours before that he wants sex that night. But it is as if he is booking for a dental appointment. And he expects me to say yes. If I say no, he argues. He doesn't like it one bit now i say I won't argue with him.Mostly when he tells me he wants sex it is said across a couple of rooms. But he does expect it though I find this weird and offputting (distancing, lol).Sometimes when he wants sex, he says it like a threat, eg, today's latest, "I'll be feeling amorous tonight".When I do agree I feel like the sweet food he overeats on - just gobbled up. I feel trashed. Then he says "Thank you". Somehow all that upsets me, especially the thanks. He even thanked me after each child was born. Why?He takes Viagra now. That makes it worse as he takes forever.By the way he is a lousy lover. Sad but true. I have been very patient but he just doesn't make the effort to please me. If he acts as if he is, I can't stand it as he is inept and rough. He has always said I should teach him how. Well, I have tried but nothing gets through to him. Really, I think he wants sex for himself. He makes it all out (sex and all) to be my fault. I try to be objective about this but my self esteem is just about gone and I feel confused by what he says though I really know it is nonsense (I think ...)Oh, yes, and he makes threats and complains and insults me a lot. And generally he tells me what to do. When I don't do what he wants, he punishes me. I don't always as to do that would destroy me, I think. But I am pretty accommodating.What is going on please? Is he autistic? I realise this is abuse, but I don't understand why he does it as it doesn't help us get on well together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Thank you all for replying.
It is surely my choice what I choose to do about my marriage. Right now I am working on getting a pretty accurate idea of what is going on. I said this, right? Then I will try to act wisely after weighing it all up in the light of my circumstances, needs & beliefs. I am not silly, but I am in a long term marriage filled with being told what to think & do, as some people are want to do. This has affected me but not totally reduced me to incompetence & the need for a minder. Also, everyone, including animals, needs respect.
I like that idea from anonymous about doing that test. I am traumatised but I want to KNOW the truth, not guess at it & then to treat my guess as true. It is a scary idea right now but I will try to do it. I liked sex & was orgasmic when I first met my husband years ago, but it was so unpleasant I learned otherwise. FACT: we are affected by our experiences. Getting unaffected is another matter & that doesn't seem to happen simply from being TOLD.
I got my husband to counselling with many years in between. At first he just said sex was the problem & gave me a bad time at home for what I said was a problem for me. He said "You couldn't wait to sink the boot in!!!! The last time we went a few years ago, he said I was "crazy" & had a list of various things he didn't like that I did, including sex, all put in an exaggerated, negative way. The counsellor decided I needed to work at pleasing my husband - easier said than done & not reasonable. My views were not gone into. This made my husband feeling more angry & I kept fearing I was "crazy" though peopledo not typically treat me as if I am. I had actually insisted we go because my husband seemed to dissociate and attacked me.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (27 February 2010):
 "I have seen counsellors but they just say to leave him. This is not necessarily a universal panacea for DV. Also it strikes me as just more control coming my way".
It seems you have sought professional help, and have decided to ignore it. I cannot see how taking their advise and leaving your husband is just more control coming your way.
In my opinion as long as you are ready and willing to lay down with your legs open whenever told to this situation is not going to change, and maybe you don't want it to. Maybe you like being a victim.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2010): Your husband is very much acting like he has total disregard for you. To me, it sounds like he has "masculinity" issues...basically, having sex constantly and in his own preffered way makes him feel like a macho man. I'd suggest that you guys see a counselor, but men are very hesitant to do this. But, maybe you could turn the tables a bit. If he does have masculinity issues, you can help him feel more manly in other ways. You can even fix his love-making skills this way. Come on to him one night, tell him how much he arouses you, put his hands where you like them and encourage him when he does something you like. Don't be afraid to tell him that it feels good. once he sees how good sex can be when you both enjoy it, he might start to change little by little. If not, if he does not change at all and remains agressive this might mean he has a form of domination sadism and enjoys abusing you. If he refuses to get some counseling...well, for your sake it might be better to seperate.
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289  +, writes (27 February 2010):
And you remain in this "relationship" WHY? Good God Lady, this is not a relationship, it's a hostage situation. Call in some help if you think there's a chance that he can change, but get out if he can't. You have one life, he sounds like he doesn't have a clue how to be in a relationship, and needs to seriously work on himself. If your kids are getting to the point where they'll be off a school, consider starting to save enough money to one day pack up the car and head off... let him pay a whore for sex, as that appears to be all the relationship he wants.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have been working on this for many years and am past crazy resentment or physically harming him. And I happen to believe that violence is wrong.
I do have trouble functioning as well as I could but I pass muster. I tried antidepressants after badgering my GP for ages but they aren't a good solution.
I have seen counsellors but they just say to leave him. This is not necessarily a universal panacea for DV. Also it strikes me as just more control coming my way.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (27 February 2010):
This is not healthy, for either of you, you need to talk to somebody, you will end up resentful and hating him. Can you talk to your GP ask for a referral to a counsellor who might be able to help you work out your options.
Good luck!
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