A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Background: SO and I have been together almost a decade. We are married and expecting a baby (our first) in 4 months. A few questions:Would you be okay with giving your baby MIL's name as their middle name IF......your MIL has in the past made racist remarks about biracial children and you are biracial and your unborn child is biracial?...your MIL has in the past told your SO a lie about you, saying that you said you would manipulate birth control in order to make a baby and keep SO in the picture?Got an answer? Okay.Would your answer change if MIL has never said anything cruel like this to your face, has presented a friendly front for years, and has been generous financially? (Think gifts for weddings, holidays, etc. MIL is very well-off.) Would your answer change if your SO, despite MIL's remarks and shortcomings, adores their mother? Would your answer change if your SO conceded to you choosing the unborn baby's first name?If your final answer is that you are okay with baby getting MIL's name as a middle name, please tell me why. Please be kind, and thank you for responding.If your final answer is that you would NOT agree to the baby name, how do you tell your SO this? Please be kind, and thank you for responding.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2014): OP again.
Just posting to say I've been and still are reading everyone's responses. (I check the site several times a day since the question was posted.) I wish I could say I've made a decision, but I haven't. However, the diversity in opinion makes me think on more than the two wavelengths I had been previously: "No fucking way" or "grin and bear it."
So thank you again to those that have been responding, and double thanks again for being kind.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (30 July 2014):
 If SO can be so honest about his mother's racism and senseless accusation about you trapping him by not using BC correctly, why can't you be honest about your continuing hurt feelings about it?
If you've been holding a grudge against her for nearly a decade, don't you think it's time to deal with it? And before you have the baby and get into the naming fight, which sounds like it's coming.
You are still very angry, if using your MILs name as a middle name feels like a problem for you.
She's had a decade to prove that she is supportive of you as well as your SO, has she done that? Have you maintained cordial relations with her? Have you tried to warm up to her despite her ignorance and interference?
I understand that people who are not bi-racial will not know the subtle racism you must face daily. There are ignorant and unkind people all over the world. Your SO apparently was raised by one and adores her. You chose to marry SO, and in so doing, became part of his family. He was raised by this woman. Is she a true racist? Or is she just ignorant?
She's tried to do the family thing for 10 years now, is that not worth some consideration?
Maybe it's time you dealt with your feelings by being honest about this with your SO. Perhaps as you two have been a team for 10 years you can figure out a way through this.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (30 July 2014):
 I'm curious... whose idea was the middle name, your partner's or his mother's?
If it's something he wants, all you can do is express your opinion, and there's not much you stand to gain by failing to let it go if he disagrees with you. As others have said, the child is his too and at least the name won't be her first name.
If, however, it's more his mother's idea than his, I'd feel free to suggest another name.
Best wishes, and congratulations on your pregnancy!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (30 July 2014):
Your MIL was nasty to you and made you feel bad. You still bear the hurt and resentment within you but is venting it out the best option? I guess not.
My grandmother wasn't really hurtful towards my mom when my parents got married, but she made sure that she made things difficult for my mom. My aunt tried doing the same. My mom NEVER told them anything when she could have shouted from the rooftops and made them feel bad for the way that they had behaved with her. My mom took more care of my grandmother than her own daughters did and in the final moments of her life, my grandmother never let go of my mom's hands. She told my mom that my mom had taught her the most valuable lesson in life and that my grandmother felt that my mother was HER mother who had taught her a lesson in kindness, grace and dignity.
OP you have both the options here. You can either forgive and move on or you can hold on and feel miserable. If you choose to give your baby the MIL's middle name, that will be the best reply that you can ever give to the lady who hurt you. That even though you hurt me so much, I'm the bigger person and I'm choosing to dignify you in such a way that you will never forget.
If, on the other hand, you choose to confront MIL, then it's just going to blow up in your face. Yes, she didn't apologize and she might still be a big bitch but at the end of the day she's family and you have the chance to be the bigger person here. If you pick up a fight and be petty about this, then its just indirectly going to make MIL look good, because to the family its going to seem like the MIL is this fabulous, generous lady and the daughter-in-law is a spiteful, frustrated person who cant stand her. We know what the truth is but no one knows what you've gone through and its too late to even declare it now.
I say you have the chance to be a bigger person. Take it. You will never regret it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 July 2014):
 You could make this simple... Hope for a boy. OR... give your child ONLY a first name :)
If I were in your shoes, I would NOT give my child her name as middle-name. No, I would not want any of my children to be named after some racist, rude member of the family. I'd ask my husband to pick another name, like his grandmothers if he felt family should be part of the child's name.
BUT with that said, I would have had trouble dating a guy and marrying a guy who's mother said those things about something as ridiculous as my ethnic background. And I certainly would have problems raising a child around someone who is a racist.
I have 3 daughters. I took finding GOOD names serious. Not just how it's spelled, how it looks, how it's pronounced, but also where it comes from.
My husband and I each wrote down 10 names then swapped lists. I crossed out EVERY name on his list I didn't like and he did the same, that is how we narrowed it down.
Find your own way (with your husband) in how you want to name it, don't make it a battle, find middle ground.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (29 July 2014):
 Then again, I wouldn't be married to Mr. Gayhater. I'd be married to Mrs. Gayhater. And there really are no set rules for last names when it comes to gay people. I think it's safe to say that if that were to ever be the case, and I was marrying the unfortunate ms. Gayhater, we would take my last name. Lol.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (29 July 2014):
Lol Mr. Kukluxklan.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2014): Hi, I'm the OP. Thank you to everyone that has responded so far with honesty and kindness. Here's a few answers to clear up some things.-The remarks/lies were said before marriage and I got them directly from SO who got them from MIL. The racist remark was made to discourage SO from dating me at all and the lie was made (in my opinion) to encourage a break up. Obviously, neither had the effect MIL intended.-MIL knows I know about the racist remark but not the lie. After she found out I knew about the racist thing she backed off but never apologized to me or SO.-I think SO thinks I am "over" these things or simply does not know just how much I negatively associate MIL with the baby inside me. We've discussed these things before and he knows how hurt I was but maybe not how hurt I still am. I know he is not going to cut off his mom or stop accepting her generosity, so I can either leave the relationship over his mom or make it work, reminding myself that I'm married to him not her.-No, MIL does not know my feelings about this stuff. I have debated confronting her over these things for years now, but, especially at this point, I think it will blow up in my face and I will end up alienating myself from the entire family and maybe even SO too.(I hope I didn't miss anything else.)
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (29 July 2014):
@cindy
Making a reference to the last name was just for emphasis. I realize what you're saying lol.
People say to take the high road or to compromise. I'm one of the most compromising people (to a fault) I know. But I also believe that unless you have actually been stung with the type of hate and ignorance that certain minorities have experienced, it's hard to know how deep that cuts. Luckily I have only experienced this hate and ignorance directed towards me, personally, a couple of times in my life, and I'm so fortunate for that, considering what parts of the rest of the world endures. But those times were enough to really pierce me deep. People will say you're disgusting or that you deserve to die. Or any other abhorrent remark, based solely around your skin color or religion, or sexuality. I can endure it and let it go for my own well-being. But to name my child after one of those people who made me feel so badly about myself? I don't know if I'm that compromising or forgiving. Having someone make comments like that hurts way deeper than someone just not liking you.
I just feel very strongly about any type of prejudice. I can look past it, but I don't think I'd want to name my child after someone who made some of the most hurtful comments anyone has ever said about me after them.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (29 July 2014):
 If I genuinely liked the name, I would use it.
However bigoted and racist others consider her opinions, they are her opinions and she's entitled to them. What she expressed were concerns and she had enough class and decency not to throw them in your face, but to put them aside long enough to give you a chance and get to know you as an individual. That on top of her generosity.
Your husband, apparently, did not have enough class to keep his mother's confidence and not pass on those remarks to you. I'm assuming it was him and forgive me if I'm wrong.
The woman is family and has obviously accepted you as family too. Whatever her opinions, she's willing to make an exception in your case so I would show her the same courtesy.
Again, if I liked the name, I would use it, but if I didn't, I wouldn't use it just to make nice.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (29 July 2014):
How did you get to hear about the racist remarks? Does your partner know about that you've written here? What is his reaction to this? Does he know that you have problems with the fact that the MIL is playing a double game here, i.e, good to your face and being generous with gifts but still cant stand you?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 July 2014):
 Why would your MIL be generous to your face financially, yet nasty behind your back? How were you told about her bigoted remarks and her comment about birth control? Was this comment made before you were married?
I speak as someone who was hated by my MIL until she got to know me, and much of the nastiness was based on her own insecurities. The fact that now we are close was a product of a lot of listening and understanding that didn't come overnight. There were still a lot of times where we could have chosen to take offense at inadvertent things said, but didn't.
My question is - does your MIL know you don't like her? Have you discussed the issue of biracial children with her? Does she know that you know about her comments to your SO? Have you spoken ill of her behind her back, yet accepting her financial gifts to her face??
I do not excuse racism in any form whatsoever. However, thinking ahead, would you be allowing your child a relationship with her grandmother?? Is it possible that her love for your child, who would also be biracial because you are, be something that causes a fundamental heart change inside her, erasing bigotry and causing a real blow to ignorance?? And I'm still wondering how you heard of that comment, which I tend to question if it's an offhand that was heard from a friend through a friend through a friend with some years inbetween the comment.
Your mother-in-law may be an ignorant bigot (or not! we don't know how the comment got to you), but she is also the mother of your SO who you love, and your SO adores their mother. If you're choosing the first name, consider that you might be taking back the name, which may have originated in ignorance, but given to your child who would embody a much more kindhearted view of people of diversity.
I'd allow the name, if not for the fact that she is the mother of the one you love, and it would be your SO you were honoring and not the MIL.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (29 July 2014):
I personally would be ok with it. As Cindy says, it's only the middle name and it's important to your SO who has as much of a say as you. I think this is a nice compromise.
Besides, I am also a big fan of taking the high road with people like your MIL. They are looking for a reaction from you, so if you kill them with kindness instead it really annoys them. Much more satisfying!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2014): I would do it. It is his baby also and it would make your spouse happy. That's what it would come down to for me, making my husband feel apart of the naming process and happy with the name.
Plus you only really say the middle name in anger anyway like "Elizabeth Gwendolyn get down here this instant" you rarely hear the middle name unless a parent is mad at you :)
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (29 July 2014):
 I don't know if I'd want to name my child after a person who goes behind my back saying horrible things about me and my child. I just wouldn't. How can you tell your SO that you don't want MIL's name as your child's second name? Sit SO down and tell them that you will not name your child after someone who has total disrespect for you both (you and the child) as it's not right regardless of the fact that MIL pulls out cash and gives gifts freely. Her actions contradict her words and she seems very two-faced and fake to me. As a compromise however, you can request to have your baby's second name be SO's grandmothers name or have it be MIL's second name. The first name is a bit much to ask coming from a woman who behind your back disrespects you but to your face smiles at you. Just my suggestions and opinion. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (29 July 2014):
 @ llifton : I am afraid that you would not be able to escape the LAST name... if you were married with Mr. Kukluxclan, ( or Mr. Gayhater ) ..wouldn't the baby be named after his father's family ?...
This child too... she may not carry on the bigot MIL's FIRST name, but she surely will share her bigot MIL's same LAST name.
I hear what you are saying, and it's not that disagree or that it does not make logical sense, but, at the end of the day, what's in a ( middle ) name ? A rose, by any other name etc.etc.
This bad MIL is still the SO's mom, and a good ,loved, ADORED mom. It also makes sense that HE wants to perpetuate his mom's name- regardless of her big flaws of which he is probably well aware. Ultimately- that's not just the OP's child, it's also HIS child... and if he wants to name his half of the baby in a certain way, personally I would try not to make a political manifesto out of it. Or a matter of inflexible principle . At the end of the day, suppose this baby will be called Elizabeth as a first name and Gwendolyn like the MIL as a middle name, what are these parents going to do, call her " Elizabeth Gwendolyn, come down, dinner is ready "?...
I get very well the OP's legitimate hurt feelings, all I am saying is : pick your battles wisely. Make sure this child does not inherit her grandma's PREJUDICES, that's the important thing... not her name as a middle name on the birth certficate...
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (29 July 2014):
I wouldn't want to name my child after someone racist. Period. But I feel incredibly strongly in that regard.
I would not want my baby to be named after (first, middle, or last) a person who made extremely derrogatory remarks about who I was as a person.
For example, I'm gay. I'd be pretty damned if I ever willingly named my child after someone who openly discriminated against gays, as that goes against everything in stand for and who I am. Why would I want to name my child after someone like that? They may have made contributions and helped out along the way, but that certainly doesn't mean I am obliged to name my child after them. Not when they represent something so fundamentally against who I am and what I believe in.
Just my two cents.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (29 July 2014):
I would be OK. It's just the middle name, not the first, and if you get to pick the first name I think it's only fair that SO gets to pick the middle one ,this is also HIS baby.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2014): It's your baby. Pick the name that you like. Everyone else will get used to it. There's no point looking for arguments for and against. Just do what feels right to YOU. No one has an obligation to name their baby after anyone. So it is entirely your CHOICE.
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A
female
reader, Mistresskiki +, writes (29 July 2014):
I wouldn't be 'OK' about this, but I WOULD do it in order to be the better person here.
If you make an issue about this, it WILL come back and bite you in the backside later down the line when you have an argument, and it could have deeper repercussions if your SO feels you aren't respecting his mother (who you say he adores).
Yes, she's a nasty piece of work if she has constantly belittled you and your ethnicity (and that of your unborn child) but, and this is a biggie, she has helped you financially so there IS that obligation.
Personally I would grit my teeth, smile and be the better person here and welcome your unborn daughter having her second name from her grandmother.
It may help heal things between you, it could help your daughter's future financial situation if it inclines your wealthy MIL to settle money on her in her will and (best of all) it makes you the better person for conceding the point graciously.
If she is the prize b%£ch that you make her out to be, she will be hoping you do make a big fuss about this so she can show people (including your SO) how awful and ungrateful you are. Surprise her, impress your SO and outwardly welcome the name. While it will be on your daughter's birth certificate it doesn't have to be used at all in every day life. You have had the choice of her first name which is way more likely to be the one she is known by anyway, so go with the flow and let her have this one. Remember it isn't the battle that matters, it is the war!
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