A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had a boyfriend for ten months that I loved alot, and he said he loved me too. We are in our late 30s. He left me for his ex that he was married too, she didnt want him to move on. She didnt like me, so she said shed give it another try if I was completely gone. As soon as I was gone she left him. He was alone. We had been apart for 8 months and we started talking again. I wanted him back more then anything. And weve been together now for a year and a half. But, I am having problems of feeling not good enough. I saw him drop everything for her to be with her and me its been a struggle. His excuses are hes not ready to be serious, move in together, he said he still likes his spave. I feel like If he really loved me before hed appreciate that I was back. He hasnt brought me around family or friends. I feel like Im just existing in his life. He said he cares about me and loves me a little and that I should relax and not think so much. But how can I not? We have made big strides. We spend two days of the week together, and the rest he is working or golf. I know he is and there is no other woman. I trust him. But is the way I feel normal? I can not make sense of the situation or know if Im just miss now. I try to leave, and he wont let me he says he likes me around and hed be hurt if I left. But the situation hurts me. Why should I have to pay have given him a second chance that has crushed me when alls I want is all of him.
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crush, his ex, move on Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (29 July 2014):
This situation has sprung up in some friends of mine and I have indeed analyzed this situation to a great deal. Having said that, I think any analysis of this situation would end up in the same resulting advice from any thoughtful person: he doesn't love you - move on.
You knew him when he was vulnerable and needed someone to pull him through his hardships. At that time, he focused on his wife and himself for happiness. Naturally, such happiness stemming from a complicated situation means that the complication must be removed, ie, you.
Fast forward to now, he is happy and does not need you and probably even sees you and the whole world in a new light. Perhaps, not the light you were hoping to see but a light none the less. It probably hurts you the most that...deep inside your heart you know he doesn't need you anymore. You are more than welcome to waste your time on him, but at the end of the day, you can't force someone to be with you. He likes being single after trying so hard, anyone can tell that... I mean who can blame him?
You could wait for him, the choice is yours. But you don't have to spend the time to nag him about being together. You can very much go out there and have a life for yourself. The only one making you miserable, is you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2014): The difference between a nice and an asshole is that a nice guy would never string a woman along knowing how she feels about him and keeps on using her for sex or because she is just there ( to have sex with). A nice guy has sympathy for a woman that feels strongly about him but he can't reciprocate . He leaves the convenient position of having a doormat always available for him, and find someone who he cAn love. An asshole( your boyfriend) will keep you around and see you just enough so you won't take off, because he needs his sex if there was no one else around, and why not to keep you unless someone else will come along who he really likes.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 July 2014):
 I can't put it any better than WiseOwlE already did.
You "fought" over a guy and "won" except the prize isn't SUCH a prize after all.
And I'm sorry, he just doesn't WANT to put forth as much of an effort as you want him too, BECAUSE he knows you will still stick around even if... he doesn't "fully" commit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2014): You're the one clinging. He likes having you around? What are you doing for him? Sex, cooking, his laundry?
You're miserable, because you took the jerk back just to compete with his ex-wife. It was an ego-match between to women; and the prize wasn't worth the all the drama, or the trouble. He dumped you before, to return to her. You should have learned something from that. I repeat myself a lot on DC; but it's necessary to reiterate a fact that proves itself again and again. The odds are highly against reconciled broken-relationships succeeding the second-time around. It's tough getting over a break-up; but you went beneath your dignity to take back a guy who dumped you hard and cold for somebody else.
You got dumped and you couldn't deal with it. You wanted him all the more, because he left you for another woman.
Both of them tried to make you look like a fool.
Under the circumstances that you took your boyfriend back, I think you might have known better. Now he's acting like he's doing you a favor by being with you.
So what's it going to take for you to kick the assh*le to the curb? I'm gay girlfriend, and there's a rule about recycled-boyfriends. You don't go back for sloppy-seconds; he's some other fool's problem once you give him up.
If he's treating you poorly; and you won't walk away, don't blame him. He stops you when you try to leave? Why do you keep letting him?
All you want is all of him? Go back and read your post; then come back, and give five good reasons you shouldn't leave him. I can give you one. He's a f*cking assh*le!!!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 July 2014):
 I think you are waiting for him to love you, and you would not accept defeat. A man either loves you or not love you. Saying loving you a little is just pathetic. Your so called boyfriend is still in love with his ex. This is the real reason, not because he's not ready. Saying he's not ready is just buying time while you wait till he's ready. His ex didn't really want him but just wanted to see how much he loved her when she told him to leave you. You don't need permission to exit this relationship. Just end it and realize you deserve better. "Relax and not think so much" just means let him have his way so he doesn't have to deal with loneliness. He is with you to make his ex jealous and she knows this. You may think you love him but it's possible that you insist on continuing this because you need to know that you are worthy of his love. You were going into this relationship with a mindset of gaining approval. Right from the beginning you were already playing second fiddle. You shouldn't have to pay, and you shouldn't have gotten into this mess at the first place.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2014): He is just using you. You're the one in charge of what you accept. Just don't accept it anymore, break up with him and find someone who really wants you and who will make you a part of their life, including family and friends.
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