A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Sorry for the length, I feel the information is necessary to get a good reply. THANKS to anyone who reads and replies!I am 24(female), my boyfriend is 33. We have been together for over 6 years and living together for just about 6 years. No major issues, no break ups, nothing too serious. We've had fights obviously and at times he has been disrespectful (around when he turned 30) by initiating contact with just about every ex gf or crush in the book. Never cheated and only online contact but that was about as bad as anything has ever gotten, which to me isn't terrible for over 6 years. But that was years ago and we have fully moved past that. Been happy and good for the most part for years. My problem is this, I want to get married. I have wanted to for the past 2-3 years. When we first got together he was really keen on the idea but wanted to wait til I was 21. He would bring it up and talk about it often with me. Being 18 I was no where near ready, not even too happy about the talk of it really, but I was glad he was on the same page, that we would eventually do that if we worked out because it is important to me before buying property or having children with someone to get married. I am now reaching the point where I want to start thinking about those things.Well somewhere around turning 22 I felt I was ready since we have worked through really tough stuff (my mom died) and lived together for so long and have been sure ever since then he is the guy I want to marry. Of course at that point he didn't think he was ready and would come up with “goals” for me to reach before we could. Such as graduate college and whatnot. I was annoyed but I guess that is reasonable considering we didn't know where I would have to move to find work. Well I have been out of school for almost 9 months now, didn't move, very secure career at a fortune 500 company, already paid off ¼ of student loans. He has been working the same place since we got together and has a pretty stable career himself. We both make great money. Basically life has stabilized for us both and I am feeling really stuck in place just waiting around for him to be ready. I am saving for a house and would like to have children in the next few years. In June last year he mentioned he was looking for a ring but a few months later said he'd stopped because he just wasn't ready and wasn't sure he ever would be. Hes 33 and we have been living like a married couple for years so it seems like if he isn't ready now, will he ever be? Its also not that he didn't play the field and do what most guys do, he did that for years when he was younger. Since then I have made up my mind that it just isn't something that will happen for me right now, our relationship is good and aside from this he makes me very happy. I have been focusing on the good and since I definitely see myself marrying him, he's beyond wonderful in so many ways, I'm just trying to enjoy my life with him as it is. Eventually though if he won't do that for me I know I will leave. Its all on the back burner but hard to entirely forget.Well in comes the unfortunate side effect of dealing with the disappointment that my boyfriend may never marry me, I have (subconsciously for the most part but I am becoming more aware of it all) began to look at other paths my life could take. I am tired of living the life of a wife without actually having the privilege of being one while giving up the opportunity to get out there and experience living on my own or being a single adult. I am feeling the urge to go out and do those things more and more instead of stay here and be frustrated. I don't want to play the wife audition role anymore, I either want to be one or I want to be free to do other things. I also don't want to be pressure him about it at all anymore. I refuse to be the nagging girlfriend who won't shut up about marriage anymore, it makes me feel shitty about myself to do that and drives him up the wall. We have already talked it into the ground, he knows where I stand completely. There's nothing left to say really. There will be no ultimatums because I don't want my marriage to be “forced”. I am just realizing though the longer this goes without any forward movement on his part the more bitter I am becoming and the more I want to go out and do the things I have been giving up for him. I really do want to marry him and I am trying to be patient but I can't help the bitterness creeping in. Does anyone have any ideas on how to not focus on getting married but not be bitter either? I really thought but trying not to think about it anymore I could be happy and just live in the moment more but it's not working. I am loosing interest and really don't want to because I feel he really is the one for me.Also to mention about marriage in general:I do not want an expensive wedding (I'm aiming for 1-2k tops) and I plan on paying for whatever we do entirely myself. I'd even like to make my own dress.I do not care if the ring is cheap, made of plastic, or whatever. Doesn't matter.I am willing to compromise on just about everything I just want to have his name as my own and to be called his wife. I don't want to be a girlfriend the rest of my life and I want to share the name my children have. We both have parents with marriages lasting decades so neither of us has been exposed to nasty divorces or anything that would make people weary of marriage in that respect.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2013): "As for why he doesn't want to get married he has told me he isn't sure he can stay with one woman for his whole life. He's been happy so far with me but what if he isn't down the line?"I'm surprised that after hearing him say that, you're still sticking around with him! You're basically waiting for him to change his mind but not knowing if he ever will. With him feeling this way about you, I think it's pointless to hold onto any hope of marrying him.he basically has one foot out the door of the relationship, and he wants to always have the right to have one foot out the door. he wants to be able to exit your relationship quickly and without consequences at any time. if you are looking for a stable long term relationship (even if it's not a marriage) he isn't the one for you. I think you need to put a timeline on him, give yourself (not him) an ultimatum. If he hasn't changed his mind by such and such a date then that is the signal that you should break up and move on.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 January 2013):
 " yesterday he pulled me aside to measure my ring finger and asked me if I liked a certain style of ring he'd been looking at"
Procrastination. If he is serious about ring shoping he'd take you with him to look at rings. Or show you pictures. Or simply ask you. If he was serious about a particular ring he's been "looking at" he'd buy it and propose. No need to measure your finger. What did he use to measure? Did he actually come home with the type of ring size measurer they have at the jewelry store?
Unless he brough home the actual ring size measurer I very much doubt his sincerity. You don't have to measure the ring size before you buy a ring. You buy the ring, and THEN you propose, and THEN the ring is fitted to the finger.
If he's too freaked out to talk to you about marriage, what makes you think he actually looks at rings? This is like texting you cute baby names... Doesn't mean he actually wants a child with you. Now, TALKING to you about having children, and then actually trying for one.. now THAT is when you know he means business. Cute names is just fluff to keep you hanging on to hope. Measuring your finger is more fluff. I see no ring. So who cares what he says, what has he actually done? Has he gotten you a ring?
And then, he's not sure he can stay with only one woman the rest of his life? If so, then there is no way you should even think of marrying him. You want the idea of marrying him. In the fantasy he only wants you, that's what you want. But in real life, he doesn't know. And this REAL situation is not what you want, yet you claim you want him. Fact is you don't want him. You want some ideal version of him, where he wants you and only you, and proposes, and marries, and then stays with you. In real life he tells you he might want other women after you, he's too freaked out to talk about marriage, and he doesn't know what he wants.
Sure, marriage doesn't guarantee that you will stay together forever, but it's that committment thing. That you WANT to be together, and want to work for it, and make that committment to one another. If he says he doesn't know if he can be with only one woman the rest of his life then he's not in the right place to be married. You need to realize this. If he is to marry you, or anyone else for that matter, he needs to be in the mental state of mind where he believes he can, wants, and needs, to stay with only one woman for the rest of his life. That this one and only relationship is important enough for him to fight for. If he's not in that state of mind then forcing marriage will only bring you heartache.
You shouldn't want to marry him until he's shown you that he's worthy of you marrying him. He needs to show you that he is good enough. Telling you he doesn't know if he can be with only one woman.. well, that certainly doesn't make him qualified to marry you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really appreciate all the great responses.It's funny that I wrote this a few days ago and then yesterday he pulled me aside to measure my ring finger and asked me if I liked a certain style of ring he'd been looking at.I'm not going to get my hopes up this time but I think he definitely knows I am not thrilled about waiting much longer. Can't deny I did get a bit excited though and it renewed my hope a little.As far as what other posters asked about why I want to get married (and I don't live in a state where they recognize common law. Thanks to the poster for adding the accurate info on that!) there are several reasons. The legal reasons are a big part of it. I'm not going to go into detail on those but its fairly common knowledge what the standard legal benefits for marriage are.Social reasons. People don't view "girlfriend" the same as "wife". That sounds silly but its just the way it is. When I had to take a lengthy business trip (it was to a place we'd both been wanting to visit) he wanted to come do sight seeing while I was there but because he wasn't my husband but only my boyfriend my work wouldn't permit him to stay in the same hotel room. Its not a huge deal really but clearly the title matters in society.Family pressure. This is a common one... I have close traditional family that don't look kindly on us sharing a bed and whatnot after so long and not getting married. Now if I was against marriage I wouldn't give a crap what they think but I'm not and its getting old dealing with family drama and having to lie to them about why we aren't getting married. I don't see his fear as a good enough reason to undergo so much stress over this.Marriage isn't permanent but it does mean something a bit MORE permanent than what we have going. He won't do anything like join bank accounts or co-sign a lease on a car or other purchase (we are co-signed for where we rent though) if we aren't married. He has stipulations (just as I do with buying a house) about what he will and will not do if unmarried so clearly it means something more permanent to him too. But I do act the wife part, feed him 2-3 meals a day, laundry, most the cleaning, not going out with my friends to bars without him, etc... This is what is most frustrating. Children. I won't entangle the rest of my life with someone by having their kids if they are too afraid to marry me. Sure we may not work out even if we do get married but if I make the life commitment of kids (which is permanent) then he can make the less-permanent life commitment of marriage. He wants kids soon too (has for a few years), which is a huge part of my pushing for marriage.As for why he doesn't want to get married he has told me he isn't sure he can stay with one woman for his whole life. He's been happy so far with me but what if he isn't down the line? We are very active (stuff still happens just about every single day) and adventurous but I know thats a common concern with men, even some women. Also with me being so young still he is afraid I will change and become someone that isn't compatible with him.We DID actually go to Vegas for our last anniversary, a trip I planned kinda hoping he would at least propose there.I was pretty disappointed when it was over and no proposal but it was also not a good time financially for him to have bought a ring so I was understanding.Also he isn't hiding anything. He has been very open about everything in his past, even things I really probably shouldn't have known. I trust him 100% in his honesty there. I'm going to not talk about it anymore, as I have been for a while, and try my best to let him to come to it on his own. I think he's moving in the right direction and he means enough to me to not give up hope yet. My biggest concern lately has been my frustration making me want to get out and be single, something I know I don't really want, I want him. Just trying to not let that side effect of waiting for him cause any issues.Again, thanks everyone! I will keep you all posted!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 January 2013):
 I just must correct the misconception by the anonymous female poster that you will be common law if you live together long enough. That is not true.
I work for a federal agency and have to know the laws of common law marriage as they pertain to benefits.
The federal government defers to states on determining common law marriage.
here is a web page that lists the states that recognize common law marriage currently
http://www.unmarried.org/common-law-marriage-fact-sheet.html
they are:
STATES THAT RECOGNIZE COMMON LAW MARRIAGE:
Only a few states recognize common law marriages:
Alabama
Colorado
Iowa
Kansas
Montana
New Hampshire (for inheritance purposes only)
Pennsylvania (if created before 1/1/05)
Rhode Island
South Carolina
Texas
Utah
Washington, D.C.
I removed all the ones that were before 2000 (in other words if you had been living together before 1/96 in Idaho AND you met ALL THE OTHER requirements you might be recognized as common law.
BTW ONE critical aspect of common law marriage is that BOTH parties HOLD THEMSELVES out to BE husband and wife. That means the intent is there. HE Has NO INTENT to marry therefore they can not ever be common law.
They would use the same last name. they would be filing taxes together as spouses.
Common law is NOT just living together...that is a HUGE misconception. My father has lived with his gf for nearly 17 years. they own a house together. THEY are not legally common law and even if they lived in a state that recognized it they would NOT be common law as they do not hold themselves out to be married.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2013): Stop wasting your time. He has already said he changed his mind and no longer wants to get married. He wants things to stay as they are.
Do you want to be married? Or do you want to be with him? You cant have both. What's so bad about being with him in an unmarried state? What do you expect will be different if he married you? What can or will you do if married that you cannot do otherwise?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2013): If you live together long enough you will be common law married. so why not just go this route?
Even if you never get married, you can still have kids and hyphenate their last names so you will still share the same name as your kids.
otherwise, what are you thinking are the "privileges" you will get from a piece of paper, which you don't have now? Yes the legal stuff is significant - like being able to share health insurance and be automatic undisputed next-of=kin in the event of death. And, should the relationship dissolve in the future, being legally entitled to his stuff and even his social security if you're stay at home. Is this what you're referring to when you say you want the privileges of being a wife? If so, is NOT having these things enough to make you want to not have him in your life at all?
when he says he's not ready to get married and maybe never will be. What does he mean exactly? What part of marriage is he not ready to do?
"If I leave then I really leave, no going back, it would rip my life apart too much to not be a serious and permanent thing"
So do you see that marriage means the relationship is "serious and permanent" whereas not having that piece of paper means it isn't? that's not true...the divorce rate is 50%. Marriage is NOT permanent. Repeat: marriage is NOT permanent by virtue of the fact that it's a marriage. People's individual attitude toward their relationship and partner, is what determines if the relationship will be permanent or not.
again, if you live together long enough you will be common law married so why not just do this?
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A
female
reader, ineedyou  +, writes (17 January 2013):
 Hi! I can totally relate. I've been with my ex 5+ years, lived together for 3 years and whenever I brought up the marriage issue he'd say "Ah, well, there are still a few things about you that I don't like... you know, maybe we could get married in 3 years' time, maybe five years" and I dwelled in this idea of a maybe-marriage in maybe a few years. But after a while I realized how awfully controlling of him that was- I realize that he didn't want to marry me, full stop. And even if he'd eventually marry me in 5-odd-years (which I doubt)... he'd still be doing it to do me a favour, in a way. It was an awful time in my life, his refusal to marry me made me feel clingy and needy and above all it made me feel like I was not good enough to be a wife. I couldn't deal with it any longer and after a while I left. A few months later I met my current husband who- like SoVeryConfused's husband swore he'd never marry... but then we met and a year later we were married. When you meet someone you love you know it, and you know you want to marry them straight away. No ifs, no buts, no maybe in a few years. Get out, darling, get out as soon as possible.
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A
female
reader, ineedyou +, writes (17 January 2013):
Hi! I can totally relate. I've been with my ex 5+ years, lived together for 3 years and whenever I brought up the marriage issue he'd say "Ah, well, there are still a few things about you that I don't like... you know, maybe we could get married in 3 years' time, maybe five years" and I dwelled in this idea of a maybe-marriage in maybe a few years. But after a while I realized how awfully controlling of him that was- I realize that he didn't want to marry me, full stop. And even if he'd eventually marry me in 5-odd-years (which I doubt)... he'd still be doing it to do me a favour, in a way. It was an awful time in my life, his refusal to marry me made me feel clingy and needy and above all it made me feel like I was not goodenough to be a wife. I couldn't deal with it any longer and after a while I left. A few months later I met my current husband who- like SoVeryConfused's husband swore he'd never marry... but then we met and a year later we were married. When you meet someone you love you know it, and you know you want to marry them straight away. No ifs, no buts, no maybe in a few years. Get out, darling, get out as soon as possible.
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (17 January 2013):
 i agree with all the aunts. let us know when the 7th anniversary happens .
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 January 2013):
A year from now OP you will be posting asking us for advice on how to tell him you are leaving.
I love Tisha's idea of the google search for one bedroom one bath apartments.... instead of leaving it in the history I would leave the actual search results page ON THE COMPUTER SCREEN...
AND I would TELL HIM... "you have ONE YEAR to propose with a ring and a date for the wedding"
because otherwise he will propose like he's been doing and continue to string you along
BTW if you go to vegas you have to get the license before you can marry... so you can't just drive up and get married.... you have to have a BIT of planning)
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A
female
reader, Dayzy  +, writes (17 January 2013):
So you're not married. You are single. Do you get to enjoy the advantages of being single? Do you have the freedom that a single girl has? I hope you're not doing all of the wifely chores.
You are still young and well able to stand on your own to feet. You obviously aren't happy with the situation, and don't deny it to yourself an say "Yes but". This guy wants you but not marriage so move out and let him date you. Because right now he's having his cake without paying for it.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 January 2013):
 Some ideas for you:
Plan a trip to Vegas. Pop by one of the drive through wedding chapels. Suggest that would save a lot of money. See what happens.
Start looking for apartments for yourself, so when you move out, you have a place ready. Google "one bedroom, one bath apartments." Don't delete your search history.
Do a background cbeck on him. Maybe he's hiding something really important. Such as, he's been married before and doesn't have a divorce decree, so he can't marry you. Sounds crazy but there may be something like that in his background. You've been together a long time. He should be able to talk with you about this without freaking out. Seeing he's freaking out, um, maybe there's something else going on. At the very least, the background check will clear up any mysteries like that.
Texting you cute names is a BS move on his part; he's just keeping you somewhat mollified by pretending there's a chance of this.
You want to get married. If he's not going to marry you without some sort of major battle, it's okay for you to decide to move on to find the man who will. Sorry for all those who say "oh it's just a piece of paper, it doesn't mean anything, blah blah blah" but if it doesn't mean squat to him then it shouldn't be such a hardship to actually man up and get married. The ones who freak out about getting married have some sort of issue with it and are not being honest if they can't articulate it.
Start looking for a place to live. You've given him PLENTY of time to man up. Woman up, put on the big girl panties and start taking care of YOUR needs.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2013): "I should clarify he does talk about marriage with me and says he sees me as his wife and wants to marry me he just doesn't know when."Don't believe what he SAYS, believe what he DOES (or DOESN'T do). "I have set a sort of unofficial time line of when we reach our 7th anniversary if there is no proposal I will start preparing to move on but until then I am really just trying to be patient."That's what he's counting on. How much more of your life are you prepared to waste on this guy. He's perfectly content to shack up without commitment or obligation indefinitely. "I am willing to compromise on just about everything I just want to have his name as my own and to be called his wife. I don't want to be a girlfriend the rest of my life and I want to share the name my children have."Unfortunately, you need to realize that after seven years he isn't willing to compromise either. You were a kid when you began living together, you've changed and grown and evolved as a person while he's remained static and stunted. The time to move on is now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2013): Well I think you answered your own question, really. He says he isn't ready now and unsure if he ever will be. That to me basically is nice way of saying: never gonna happen. Figure out what you want if marriage means that much maybe its time to see what your options are. I understand what you are going through, I wish you the best of luck.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (16 January 2013):
Just want to say one thing: Never give up your dreams for a man. Never. If you want marriage and children, and he doesnt, then it is not enough. You will regret it for the rest of your life. And if he leaves you, then what? Were the years you spent together good enough for you to have given up on your dreams? No. They arent good enough. Sure hes a nice guy, buy if he cant give you what you want you need to leave, so that you can get what you want in life, and be able to look back with no regrets because you followed your dreams.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOriginal poster here:Thanks for the response! I should clarify he does talk about marriage with me and says he sees me as his wife and wants to marry me he just doesn't know when. Sometimes he gets scared and doesn't know if he can do it. Just the last time he mentioned the actual ring he apparently freaked out and had to stop. He also very much so wants children with me. I won't do that though until he will marry me, no way. He does cute things like text me names he likes when he hears them and whatnot. I really do feel he is just scared but I can't handle waiting around much more :(I have debated pulling away and moving out but I feel that would only damage us and cost a lot of money and be a mess. If I leave then I really leave, no going back, it would rip my life apart too much to not be a serious and permanent thing. I have set a sort of unofficial time line of when we reach our 7th anniversary if there is no proposal I will start preparing to move on but until then I am really just trying to be patient. I just am finding it really hard!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 January 2013):
Honey this is not about a wedding, this is about a man who will not marry you.
in 5 years you will be 29 and he will still not be ready.
he's told you he doesn't want to marry you:
"he just wasn't ready and wasn't sure he ever would be."
that's a MAN TELLING YOU HE'S NOT PLANNING TO MARRY YOU.
Now what you have to decide is if this is what you want for life.
what happens when your bio clock kicks in and you want a baby (and I think that the mommy and daddy need to be married to have babies I'm old fashioned that way)
will you stay with him if he won't marry you but would have a baby with you? CROCK OF POO in my opinion.
My first husband and I were dating 2 years and I was ready to get married. He was not.
I told him "it's ok your not ready and I am so off i go"
I dated here and there for a bit (I don't remember how long) and one night I found a note taped to my door. He was ready to commit.
we had a huge full wedding 6 weeks later. and created two beautiful sons. We eventually had a lovely amicable divorce. I just emailed him today (our kids are 26 and 28 now so we have almost no contact at all).....
IF you want to get married do NOT settle for less than what you want.
MOVE out.
MOVE home if you must or get your own place.
YOU have lived with this guy since you were 18... you have never really lived..... do NOT SETTLE for being the girlfriend. IF YOU WANT to be married and he does not, you do not want the same things.
FWIW, my current husband is now 39. We met when he was 36. By 37 we were heavily involved and he swore up and down right and left that he was NEVER EVER EVER GETTING MARRIED. he did not believe in marriage, he did not need marriage, he did not want marriage. Till he fell in love with me... and magically marriage was the way to go....
My GF just got married in September. Her husband was a first time groom. He's 52! MEN who say they don't want to get married MEAN IT. LISTEN TO HIM. HE is NOT going to marry you.
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