A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi.Just to set the story, I have been in a very happy relationship for 2 years, I am settled and live with my partner.My relationship with my ex was mentally abusive, and ended 3 years ago, he put me down and made me feel like nothing, he was also a serial cheater and left me in a lot of debt which have all taken a lot of overcoming.I have worked very hard at improving my self confidence, for some time when i started my relationship with my new boyfriend i kept having to talk about to him what my ex did to me, i knew he found it hard to listen to but had no one else to talk to, I have now managed to reduce this and very rarely mention him. However, my life has become a little bit difficult, due to money, health etc and i have found myself increasingly social media stalking my ex, almost as if im waiting for something to go wrong with his life, to make me feel better. I find it incredibly frustrating that his life seems to be going well and i am struggling, he is also cheating on his current girlfriend (girl he met through cheating on me) which frustrates me even more, as i feel like all i went through would have at least been meaningful if he had treat someone else well.I do not want to be with him nor have any kind of feelings of love, i absolutely adore my boyfriend but i am just finding it very difficult to let go of what he did to me and that hes come off with nothing lost, and i have lost everything. I was in a lot of debt which has meant i cant do with my current boyfriend what i would like (cant buy a house, go on holiday etc) and still some self confidence/trust issues that limit my relationship.I just want to move forward, I have tried conselling but it hasnt really helped as i know what the reasons for me feeling like this are, i just want to move away from them. I know I dont have many people to talk to and the fact im struggling is the problem, but why do i keep putting all my anger over this on my ex.If anyone could help i would really appreicate it.Thanks
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confidence, debt, money, my ex, on holiday, stalking Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Dayzy  +, writes (17 January 2013):
Your ex hurt you then, but now you are hurting yourself. Your behaviour is destructive to yourself and your current relationship, but you know that. You need to stop this behaviour and start appreciating and enjoying your life now.
I thought you hated being with your abusive ex. The more you stalk him, the more you're holding on to him. Use all of your willpower and let it go for your own sake.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (16 January 2013):
 Again I'll say this: Did you give him access to your money? That is a choice, you know. If he stole from you and charged things without your knowledge, you could have had him arrested and thrown in jail for theft. That's another choice.
Of course, he could have been pushing you and pressuring you to make choices in his favor like cars, apartments, and a lifestyle you couldn't afford. Even in there is a lesson that playing house doesn't equal commitment. The lesson to learn is that you do not mix money into a relationship. If one chooses to live with someone, it should be as roommates with separate money unless there's the binding and legally protecting status of marriage. Otherwise, the line of bills being paid and things bought and sold gets blurred, and opens the door to one being taken advantage as you were.
The good news is that you are still young! Your bad choices may have the consequence of delaying your financial goals, but you're not counted out, nor is life over. But I'm telling you, don't do with your new boyfriend what you did with your ex. Never lend money. Never support someone as they go through school unless you're married to them. Never ask for money...money should be the one separate frontier until marriage, and all too many people want to play house, combine accounts, buy joint mortgages and then get shafted. Worse yet are those who move into their partner's property, help pay bills and mortgages that aren't even theirs and then they get stiffed when the property owning partner gets the equity and security.
Never ever be desperate enough to buy love, and never take on the martyr or sacrifice mentality, aka "I do all this for you and what do I get?".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses, to the person who mentioned the debt, it was him, not myself but you have got a very valid point about the victim point. when we split he very much played the victim and i just got on with it and i guess thats maybe caught up with me a little and now im doing it. thank you cos its given me a wake up call
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 January 2013):
I can answer your question for you. You haven't accepted your choices in life, and instead of learning lessons many of us have learned, you're choosing to blame someone else and be a victim. Yes, your boyfriend cheated on you, but who ran up the debt? Did he steal from your bank account, or did you CHOOSE to make the money decisions that you did?
You say he was a "serial" cheater? Does that mean that he cheated on you more than once? If so, that means that you CHOSE to remain in the relationship knowing what he was.
Yes, you had the misfortune of choosing a toxic guy, and for that, you have my sympathy, but you'll get no relief from nursing your victim mentality. You chose to date him. You chose to stay with him. You chose to spend your money the way you did. You chose to allow him to cheat on you until you had enough.
These are lessons you learn, and it doesn't get learned by continuing to make rotten choices by blowing up your current relationship by failing to move on. I know you want to hold your ex accountable for his mistreatment of you, but you should instead hold YOURSELF accountable for the choices you made that put you where you are. You don't hold yourself accountable by being bitter and angry, you do it by learning the lessons and changing the way you do things. You recognize the weaknesses that were exploited and you work to strengthen them. You reconcile your debts and make them a priority, either through bankruptcy, payment negotiations, consolidation loans and a legitimate timetable of when you break free of that.
But mark my words, and I'm saying them because I care about you not even having met you, if you continue on your path by playing victim, fixating on your ex instead of your own self-improvement, you will keep failiing and blaming it on someone or something else.
ALL of us have had trying times. All of us have made bad choices. All of us have had outside events knock the living piss out of us body and soul, and all of us have had the cripping emotion of frustration, grief, and despair. We've also had our share of hard lessons that only time and adversity can teach us.
It's time to stop being a victim. It's time to stop caring what happens to your ex. It's time to get up off of the ground, stop using your new relationship as a crutch, and start walking again, or the cycle will repeat because you've learned nothing. Your debt is like the elephant you have to eat. How do you eat it? One bite at a time. Focus on the goal of freedom from debt and enjoy the joy of your small goals reached. One foot in front of the other, not looking back.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 January 2013):
 WHO is determining what goes on in your life? .... YOU? ... or this despicable ex-?????
IF you EVER wish to get out of this trap in which you've entwined yourself... then focus on YOU .... and give not a whit about what "ex-" is doing, who he's doing it with, and how successful (or not) he is at doing it...
DON'T let HIM continue to affect your life.... Get ON with it!!! (your life)!!!!!
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (16 January 2013):
 First, I want to say to you I'm sorry you went through such horrible experiences with your ex.
Second: it sounds as though you ARE now involved in a supportive, loving relationship with your new partner.
You ex isn't. Cheating on his new girlfriend. He has learned NOTHING from his involvement with you. His life might APPEAR to be going well (looking at it from the outside) but you don't know what's really going on under the surface. He's to be pitied.
For you, the best "revenge" is to put all your energies into improving/dealing with your health issues, and finding ways to save money (even if you can manage to set aside say, $10 a week in a year you'll have $520. Now, I know that's not a lot, but its better than nothing! And maybe you could sometimes sock away a bit more than $10.
Is there a possibility of getting a promotion in your current job, or finding another that pays bettter (if you are currently working, that is).
I think that while you know the reasons for feeling the way you do going back to counseling - perhaps finding a different counsellor if the first one didn't come up to your expectations), to do more work on your self-esteem, trust and confidence issues: How to overcome them, and even strategies to save money (by the way, if you are now out of debt you've done very well!) all these are "grist for the mill" (material for counselling sessions), and of course your continuing anger. Last but not least, your health. I would include the things you feel good about and that make your life happy - your boyfriend, family, activities you enjoy, etc., maybe doing a little volunteering work in your spare time. Not only gives back to the community, but would surely reap rewards in terms of the fact that knowing what you're doing is helping others.
I hope what I have written will be useful. No doubt other aunts and uncles will weigh in with some good recommendations.
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