A
female
age
51-59,
*ia_99
writes:Hi,I posted a few months ago about my boyfriend and things are no better really. We have been together for 14 months now. I am 38, divorced and he is 43, divorced. We are meant to be getting engaged at Christmas but I am having doubts. I have very mixed feelings for him. One minute I feel totally happy with him and the next I feel like there is no way I could spend my life with him. He tends to get on my nerves most of the time and I am relieved when he goes home. We split up for a month once (my decision because I was feeling the same way I do now) and I missed him, we got back together. I don't know what to do. I think about it every day and sometimes feel like I am stringing him along and that I should just end it. We don't seem to have that much in common now that we have settled together, the conversations dry up easily, he irritates me with his opinions and views and there isn't much we agree on. I am scared though that if I end it, I am making a mistake. He is not a very understanding man, if I told him how I was feeling, I think he would be annoyed and it would end up as a big argument.Any help is appreciated, thanks.
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female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (10 June 2011):
 I haven't been on the site in awhile so I just got the update you posted. I'm not sure if the problem is resolved now or not. But if it isn't, is there anyone in your life that could help you? A parent or sibling, a friend or co-worker? I wouldn't like to get the police involved but if you have to then you must... You cannot stay in a relationship out of fear. You are miserable and trapped and the longer you allow him to control you, you may never get out. You need to stand up for yourself and you have to let him know that he can't just control you by getting "upset" and threatening you. He clearly doesn't love you or care for you either or he wouldn't force you to stay somewhere where you are clearly unhappy. I forget now since it has been awhile if it is your house or not. Either way, get some help to get you moved out or call the police. Stop letting him run your life and stand up for yourself.
A
female
reader, mia_99 +, writes (21 February 2011):
mia_99 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI tried to end the relationship this weekend and didn't succeed. I told him that I didn't think things were working out between us and that I wanted him to collect his stuff together and go. I ended up sat in a chair for 5 hours listening to him telling me how I was breaking his heart and that I couldnt just end it. Every time I got up to go to the loo or make a drink he followed me. He wouldnt shut up and I ended up getting very upset as I didn't know what to do. Worst thing is the kids were upstairs and he threatened to get them involved and 'make them see how unreasonable I was being'. I feel trapped, he won't listen, I just wanted him to go but he was getting angry and had a horrible look in his eyes. I even tried to get some stuff together and get out of the house but he kept following me and I didn't want to leave him in my house with the kids in case he did something stupid.
I am now back to square one but he knows that I don't want to truly be with him and yet is prepared to let things drag on. Stuck.
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female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (27 January 2011):
Yeah. You should get it over with and not have any excuses. It'll always be something you are putting it off for because it isn't the most pleasant thing to have to do. But how many weekends are you going to do this with him? Why prolong it longer than it has to be? How long will you be wearing his ring? I don't know. I guess it seems that since you are coming up with excuses you won't have the confidence to do it anytime soon if ever. If you truly wanted him out then he would be gone so there is something you are still afraid of or holding onto. It may still be fear of being alone. Keeping him around as long as you have, despite any excuse why, tells him he can treat you however he wants. Not a good relationship to have your kids around. I hope you get the confidence and courage to kick him out and wish you the best of luck. Be strong and don't have excuses for your actions.
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female
reader, mia_99 +, writes (27 January 2011):
mia_99 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the help. I think, like you say, I just need the confidence to do it. We had an argument a few weeks before Christmas and I asked him to go and take his stuff, he did but, like you say, I got called all the names under the sun (slag, prick etc) in front of the kids, he was that angry with me! So when I do get him out (it is my house) I agree that I should go out while he moves his stuff, problem being he always parks his car behind mine on the drive, but that can be solved somehow - it will just take a bit of forward planning! At the moment I have a lot of things going on at work so I think that is another reason I am delaying, its all so much to think about at once. He is over for the weekend later on tonight and I am already wishing it over. Thanks again.
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female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (26 January 2011):
Oh and do not tell him where you are going. He could follow you. Just say "out" and leave. Don't hesitate or stand around, leave immediately. People are crazy when they are in denial and won't let it go. sorry I keep adding posts, lol.
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female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (26 January 2011):
I reread it and it sounds like it is your place. Tell him again firmly, "I am done. You WILL be leaving. I am sorry but I do not want to continue this relationship. No amount of talking or persuading or denial will change my mind. If you do not get your things and leave I will be calling the police. I don't want it to get to that point but if you are not going to be civil and leave then I will have to take another action." You should then go to the mall or a friend's house or parent's for a good few hours. Before you leave say "I am going out for a few hours and you need to be gone when I am back. If not then I will call the police." Then leave, don't hesitate. He will know you are serious. And also this way he won't be begging you while you stand there watching him pack, which really is torture. And then of course if you come back and he hasn't budged, walk back out of the door and call who you have to call. Again if you stand around him while calling there is a better chance for an outburst or more trying to convince you to please don't leave him. You need to distance yourself as much as possible and still get him out.
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female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (26 January 2011):
You stand strong. You tell him it is in fact over. I don't know the living situation, if it is your house or his. But if it is his house then just leave. If it's yours, then tell him you will call the police if he doesn't get out. If you both own it then go to another place for awhile until he gets the point and figure out what to do about the house later. You have to stand firm. If he says "it isn't over" and you question it and won't leave then of course he will continue to say it. Like he can convince you that the relationship will go on despite how you feel for him. You have to have confidence and end it. It sounds like he is telling you how to feel and you are allowing it. No one can tell you that it isn't over... You are entitled to do whatever you want. He can't stop you from leaving. If he gets abusive and tries then call the police. If you are serious about getting out of this relationship then you can. Be strong and be serious. He will get the message one way or another. Don't just do what he says and stay miserable. And god please don't marry this bastard. It sounds in certain ways like an abusive relationship and you are incapable of standing up to him.
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female
reader, mia_99 +, writes (24 January 2011):
mia_99 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh dear, I am still holding on. He produced an engagement ring at Christmas and it's on my finger, then for my birthday he produced tickets for a holiday which we went on. The holiday confirmed my feelings for him for sure - I really need to get away and out of this relationship but I feel totally trapped. This weekend I tried to break up with him and got the reaction I'd expected...he got angry,refused to leave, said he would not leave until I saw reason and we sorted things out. I really don't know what to do now, he won't go. I don't know how to break up with him, its like torture. Can somebody please advise on how I am going to get this man out of my life! Thanks
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female
reader, Outspoken1016 +, writes (19 November 2010):
 You said you feel bad because he doesn’t have friends nor like where he lives. My dear it is NOT your job to fix him and giving him an out and place to escape will not fix his insecurity issues! You can not marry him because you feel bad it would be worse to marry this man and then have him find out you only did it because you didn’t want to hurt his feelings. My advice step outside the box see things from his eyes. Would you want him to feel as you do and still marry you. You’re the only one who can answer this question. Being afraid of being alone is not a good enough reason so say I do. Your purpose in this man’s life may not be to his wife but to be a friend. Listen to him and support him as he learns to be comfortable in his own skin. Good Luck!
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reader, Serpico +, writes (15 November 2010):
Engagement is supposed to be the honeymoon of honeymoon periods. If you have a SINGLE DOUBT during this time, my advice would be to move on. Rarely do I see issues that manifest during this period improve, and the norm would be to for them to get much worse.
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female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (15 November 2010):
I agree with a previous poster that you should trust your gut instinct. And also another poster who said to look at this from a married woman's pov and how unhappy it would be. You should never marry someone with doubt. It will only be worse only now you can't just leave, you need to get another divorce. It sounds like you are scared of being alone in my opinion. You are scared of making a mistake letting him go thinking you won't meet someone else. But he doesn't make you happy... And missing him when broken up doesn't equal love and a working relationship either. The fact that you aren't comfortable talking to him and you can't have conversations and you are happy when he is gone sometimes... You know you shouldn't be in this relationship. Don't let fear make you hold onto something you shouldn't. You would honestly end up more unhappy than if you ended up alone (not that you would). Can you see yourself 10 years down the road with this guy who annoys you? Happy too? I can't. And even after taking a break and getting back together nothing has changed. Break up with him. It won't be a mistake. He could be a good guy in other qualities and that'll make you question your decision but he isn't a good guy for YOU. Don't settle. Good luck.
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female
reader, mia_99 +, writes (15 November 2010):
mia_99 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMany thanks for all the replies. I feel as though I am waiting for everything to turn out ok, like I'm going to have some kind of epiphany and sudden realisation that he is the one for me. I know he has bought me a ring from the not so subtle hints he gives and he also booked and paid for a holiday for us in January, so I am feeling extreme guilt on top of all my other emotions. I also think that he actually has a feeling, like someone has suggested here, that things aren't right with the relationship. He has probably spent a fortune on the ring and holiday as well. I also feel like I am the only good thing in his life as he has few friends, hates where he lives and is acting desperately to move in with me asap. So mixed up :(
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reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (15 November 2010):
 Just end it. From what you have said, there is no possible way on this humble Earth for you two to spend the rest of your life happily together. Read through what you have written, pretend it is from the perspective of a married woman, does that seem like a happy marriage or even a functioning one? There may be love but all your differences overshadow that. You cannot spend the rest of your lives bickering over each other's opinions and he has to learn to be more understanding if he is ever going to be happy with someone.
I hope that helps.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): i think it really wrong that you can't truly express how you feel to this person. What is it about him that make u upset? not everyone is going to agree so there has to be a balance on what you each bring to the relationship. i think if your having second thoughts you should just let him know exactly how you feel. mabye he doe not know that his action are upsetting u unless you let him know. men are not mindreaders so let him know how you feel don't hold your emotion in it will only make it bad for both of you.
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female
reader, Outspoken1016 +, writes (15 November 2010):
If you were to look up the definition of love you would find several different explanations. The one thing I found in life when I am unsure, scared, or confused I try to find the root of the problem. Maybe the reason you keep thinking about what to do and how you feel is because you have not found what really is bothering you. I would say never marry this man feeling the way you do now. Those fears and worries will not disappear with a ring. Talking to him can be done but understand any person would become defensive when they feel they are being attached. So if you would like to talk about your fears with him find a gentle non threatening way to do so. You might find he is feeling a lot of the same fears and worries as you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): If you feel like this during the 'honeymoon' period of the relationship....what will you feel like after a few years of marriage? If youve split up because of this once already, he must surely know how you feel. Yet hes still willing to marry?
It sounds as if you are both settling for the sake of security, rather than because you really love each other. And theres no real spark between you.
Try talking to him and explaining you dont think you are ready for marriage and explain why. It might cause an arguement but that will surely be better than being in a boring, miserable marriage for a few years and getting another divorce. Ive a feeling he feels much as you do, hes just settling too. You both deserve and can find, much more than that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): I'm having a similar problem with my boyfriend and we are ment to be moving in together soon, but personally I tend to listen to my gut instinct when making big decisions because your heart and your head will always disagree. If your gut is telling you he irratates you too much and it doesn't feel right then you should do something about it. You need to be happy. Hope this helps a little.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): i am sure there is a man out there you could be more compatible with. At the beginning of a relationship one hour with your beloved seems like a fleeting minute. At the end of a relationship a minute can drag like an unendurable ten boring hours. Would you share your life and your body with someone you did not like? Or did not feel comfortable with? Of course not.
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