A
female
age
51-59,
*ritty
writes:Can anyone help?I've been with my husband for 12 years, but for the last 5 years, I've been unhappy at home! He constantly critisises and belittles me, both at home and in front of friends, family and strangers! 3 years ago, during an extremely rare night out with my only friend, I kssed another man- I felt terrible, so told my husband straight away. Although he said that he understood why it happened and that we would get through it, he throws it back at me, nearly every day! He has a very sarcastic nature and throws around cutting remarks like they are nothing, and when challenged about them, promptly replies that it's only a joke! To him, these jokes maybe funny, but when you are the butt of all of them, it becomes hard to take! I have tried talking to him and explaining how I feel, but to no avail! "You're stupid!" he'll say! My confidence and self respect no longer exist! I know that it's way past the time to leave, but I don't have the strength! :-(
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (9 July 2010):
 Well done darling, I am so happy that you have found the courage to act. Stay strong and never look back...x
AE x
A
female
reader, Gritty +, writes (9 July 2010):
Gritty is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank AuntyEm for her kind words. I took them all on board.
I found the strength to end 11 years of marriage.... 6 days before our 11th anniversary. Things are very amicable (at the moment), thankfully. I don't hate him... far from it, but I can't stay for my sanity's sake! We've talked it throught and we've made the mutual decision to call it a day! I have moved into the spare room and am now looking for a newhome for me and my son. I feel really low at the moment, but know it's just a phase- once it is all sorted and I have moved out, I will find the old me and be happy and free once more!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 June 2010):
Sure you have the strength. You'd be surprised at how much strength you have. It's a matter of belief. You came here and asked about it, which took strength. So if you plan your way out of your marriage carefully, you'll be able to leave. The best thing to do is tell a trusted friend, and then speak to a lawyer. Make all your preparations to leave, and then one day, tell him it's over and just walk out. Then get a good settlement and get him out of your life. It won't be easy, but if you had the strength to come here and talk about it, then you have the strength to go further. You're not the confrontational type, and with a husband like that it wouldn't work anyway. So do everything quietly, then one day just leave.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (6 June 2010):
Right now you do have the strength...how do I know?...Because your questioning the relationship, weighing up the abuse your suffering against what may lie ahead if you leave him and your asking for help here.
You sound like you have reached rock bottom and often that is the catalyst that makes people act.
Attempts have been made to explain to your husband that he is abusing you but it's obvious from what you have said that he isn't going to stop.
I have been where you are now. It took me about five years to find the courage to end things. I made a plan, saved some money (and I was earning close to minimum wage at the time)I confided in close family and my best friend to get support. It was small but determined steps.
It wasn't pleasant, it was emotionally traumatic but it was worth it. That was almost 5 years ago and I am truly myself again, have my own home and am living my own life.
You have endured, so I know you can act on the strength. You have in you to begin the same determined steps to a better and abuse free future.
AE x
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (6 June 2010):
 There's no such thing as "way past time to leave" if you're unhappy and feel unloved it's time to go! Find a friend to stay with until you get a job and can afford your own place. If your husband's behavior doesn't change after you've moved out then give it 6 months and file for divorce. I suspect he doesn't love you and feels trapped, which is why he says nasty things to you. Trust me, you'll probably look back and wonder why you didn't move out sooner! Don't wait another moment. Unhappiness robs your health.
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A
male
reader, d2001d  +, writes (6 June 2010):
Self pity is the worst emotion in the world, next to jealousy. Don't allow yourself to feel it and then MOVE ON. Don't be the girlfriend that repeatedly goes back to the man that beats her. Leave.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2010): Well, look at it this way, the longer you stay with him the longer you're protecting the rest of the dating world from this asshole.
If you're willing to sacrifice your life (WHY???) that's your choice, but 99.9% of the people would decide that living w/o a husband like this is better than staying with him.
Find the strength!
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