A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dating a great man for about one year and he is not ready to commit. He has been divorced for 5 years and is not ready for a serious relationship ( I know I know I'm stupid for staying loyal to him ) He is 34 and I am 31I went to his house on Saturday and he started making out with me the minute I walked in the door (not normal behavior but ok). He tried to have sex with me without a condom and I asked him "please go get one " . I knew there was a new box in his night stand because I was with him went he bought it and we only used one and there was 2 left . He looked for about a minute and couldn't find the box and made the excuse that the lady that cleans the apartment might have thrown them away. I put my clothes on and told him lets watch a movie instead . He seemed eager to change the subject and after the movie I asked him "please look for the condoms I don't want to think you used them on other woman" he assure me he didn't sleep with anyone. And they are just misplaced . But I couldn't stay I was hurt so I left after the movie. I accused him of cheating and walked out . Am I wrong ? We promised not sleep with anyone else and I feel like he lied. Him and his friends were out clubbing the night before and now he can't find the condoms . my friends tell I am too smart to keep a man and sometimes I need to close my eyes and pretend I don't see. I really love him but since he doesn't want to get married any time soon or even have a girlfriend should I just leave him ? I don't want to be in a relationship with a cheater ? Do men misplace condoms ? Am I crazy ?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2014): One things don't understand: why are you giving him what he wants for a year now without him giving you what you want?
I wish all women stoped doing it for guys: casual sex. Ofcourse heis sleeping with other women. They consolation I have for you is they mean nothing for him , the same as you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2014): If he's not ready to commit after a year then I'd say he's not going to..he is definitely with other women an he's still out clubbing?? Come on..the maid doesn't clean out drawers..you know he is without actually seeing him in action the condoms being gone is a HUGE sign he's with other women ..your best to go on with your life before it gets worse why would you want him to commit now?? You can't trust him..an your friends saying your too smart to be in a
relationship? ? What kind of friends do u hve? I get he's not committed but you want to be so you definitely shouldn't close your eyes to his scummy behavior ..your too smart to deal with a lying loser who's stringing you along get smarter an stay away from him sounds like you deserve better good Luck..
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 January 2014):
 There's only one reason and one reason only why a guy doesn't want a girlfriend or a relationship. Only one.
Casual sex. Everything else he says is a lie.
Remember that - FWB is all about casual sex.
Not wanting a relationship is all about casual sex.
Refusing to say you're a girlfriend is all about casual sex.
Why did you think he'd give you the respect of exclusivity that a girlfriend has without calling you that? If he meant to be exclusive, he'd call you his girlfriend!
Never forget. Never make the mistake of FWB again.
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A
male
reader, M Proops  +, writes (13 January 2014):
I think you were wise to trust your instincts here.He has cheated I'm afraid and with more than one woman by the looks of it,how else do you mislplace a box of condoms?You would keep them in a safe place.The fact that he won't commit to you says it all.Better break it off with him.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 January 2014):
 Trust your gut.
If you feel like he lied, even if he didn't you won't trust him.
You have no need to trust him. He's not your boyfriend. he's an FWB who will tell you what you need to hear to keep you happy and in his bed.
I strongly suggest you stop having sex with him for the next 6 weeks... also stop calling and arranging dates.... see how often he calls you and asks to see you and spend time with you... when he realizes you are not "putting out" I am betting the calls dwindle to NOTHING...
then you can make your choice to say as a casual sex partner or leave to find a man who will be what you need and want him to be... this man is not that man.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 January 2014):
 If you are not in a relationship and he does not agree to being exclusive, then it's not cheating . Promising each other to not sleep with anybody else IS a committment , at least a committment to sexual exclusivity, so it does not make much sense that he would promise that. Either he said that he was not seeing anybody else at the time, or not intentionally looking for other partners.., and you took it as a solemn oath... or else he is a big fat liar who might be screwing around left and right but still would tell you everything you want to hear to keep you sweet, because he figured out you might get jealous.
If you can't handle the heat stay out of the kitchen. I understand how you can feel jealous and disappointed even if technically you would not have the right to feel this way- what we SHOULD feel and what we actually feel are often two different things. But if you want to be sure that you have no competition, clearly this is neither the guy nor the type of relationship for you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 January 2014):
 I think YOUWISH hit the nail on the head. YOU are not the GF, so you are a CASUAL SEX partner, fuck buddy or FWB - nothing more. And even IF he has said he is exclusive with you, doesn't mean he actually is.
No I don't think the cleaning lady would toss out a package of condoms. If the empty package was on the floor maybe, but in a drawer? No.
YOU want a BF and you sleep with him in HOPES that he will change his mind. It's NOT going to happen.He's already getting sex from you, so he is FINE with how things are and if you don't like it, you can leave. He will find another woman to be his FWB,Fuck-buddy...
Sorry.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2014): It's not cheating because you're not in a relationship.
Your friends are only half right. In this circumstance you're not being smart at all (staying with a guy who you love but doesn't love you back), not only that but you have no right to worry about who he has sex with, you're not in a relationship so he can sleep with who he wants.
Yes OP, we can mislay condoms just like we can lose the remote control for a TV, doesn't mean we were using that remote control to change the channel on another woman's TV.
You talk about not wanting a relationship with a cheater, well you don't have to worry about that with this guy. Firstly because after a year it's pretty clear he'll never give you a relationship and secondly even if he has been shagging other women it's not cheating because you're not his girlfriend.
OP he's just keeping you around until someone better comes along, so I wouldn't surprised if he was boning another woman. He's a single guy with a fuck buddy who is perfectly within his rights to keep searching for "the one".
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (13 January 2014):
 You are not crazy to think the missing condoms = him having sex with someone else. Condoms don't just disappear, cleaning ladies don't just throw out boxes in night stands. But that is only part of the issue here, because even if he hasn't slept with someone else, he is not the right guy for you. He cannot give you what you want.
I disagree with your friends, they are basically telling you to put up with crap just so you aren't single. It's better to be single than be with a man who is emotionally unavailable and untrustworthy. Leave him and only date people who are looking for the same things as you are, who share the same values.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 January 2014):
 If you want a boyfriend, then leave him. He doesn't want a girlfriend. You are a sex partner for him.
I mean, come on, the man tries to have sex with you without a condom. Who is he thinking of there? Your well-being? No, he is thinking of Mr. Happy, his best friend, his penis.
You two promising not to sleep with anyone else is just tying you you to a guy who doesn't want a girlfriend. It's an empty promise designed to keep you around for on-tap sex.
It's well past time that you put your own well-being first. This guy is a big old time-waster.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 January 2014):
If you're not in a relationship and not his girlfriend, how exactly is he cheating on you?? He isn't. A FWB is a no-strings-attached affair meaning he and you can sleep with 1,000 other people and it isn't cheating. The fact that you're upset that he slept around means you shouldn't be with him.
You're letting him use you. You're using him. Yelling about his other sexual activities means you're adding A STRING. He's a big enough liar to tell you what you want to hear (i.e. let's not sleep with anyone else) to keep you in his bed. Not his heart.
If you have feelings for him, get out of this right now. You're going to keep getting hurt, he will keep sleeping around, and it isn't cheating. You can only cheat on a girlfriend, a partner, and spouse, not an FWB.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (13 January 2014):
 Oooh, tricky. Being that I wasn't there, and I don't know the guy, I'm inclined to say that this guy is cheating on you. His excuse is flimsy (the maid threw out all but three of them?), and he is quick to change the subject... yeah, I don't know. This all sounds sketchy to me, and your attitude towards him is really cementing my feeling that you should leave this guy. You seem to think you're being dumb for staying with him - and if that's what your gut is telling you, then you're probably right.
Take this condom incident as the straw that broke the camels back and find a guy who is interested in being your boyfriend, staying loyal and not making you question his monogamy.
Good luck!
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