A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok so this is all my own fault, but it's really messing with my head. I've been seeing my boyfriend for a couple of months now, we took it really slow from the start, he didn't push for sex at all and in fact we've only been sleeping together for a week now.He is really sweet though, totally treats me with respect, and when we did first had sex he told me he had never felt so good in his life. He holds my hand when we are out, is a great kisser and loves to cuddle. Furthermore he claims he has me up on some pedestal and that he has never been captivated by a woman in the way he is with me, that I seem to understand him and make him feel good. I believe he is genuine with these compliments though Im aware that part of the attraction might be that I am just very different from the women he has been with in the past. Anyway that's all good!So we've talked a bit about our respective pasts and at the start of this year he split up from a two year long distance relationship with a girl he says who got "too infatuated" with him, was "pretty in her own way but nothing special", and ultimately "a regrettable relationship from the start". For my part, I lost a man that I thought I might share my life with last year in a tragic accident. This is my first go at a relationship since then and I am kind of scared. Also in the last year I cut off my long blonde hair and dyed it bright red (don't know why!) I've put on a little weight and while I'm not what you would call fat, my body is not particularly exciting.. so I don't feel all that sexy.. even though my current boyfriend is utterly gorgeous and seems really into me.Anyway one day last week (in the morning when he was off to work) my mobile phone was playing up whilst I was chatting to my sister so I picked up his old phone that I'd noticed in the bedroom drawer and put my sim card in it to use to continue the conversation . After the call I looked at his old phone and wondered if there might be any photos of my lovely boy that I could pinch as I don't have any of him yet.So I looked through the phone and there were none of him but instead I found over a hundred pictures of his ex girlfriend in various states of undress, nakedness, sexy underwear, video clips of her, everything. I know I shouldn't have looked and this is my own punishment for looking but I just can't understand how my man finds me sexy when his ex had such a smoking body. I have small breasts and a small waist with large hips, round thighs, I've got short hair and too many big features on my face - where as she is model beautiful, long flicky hair, buxom yet skinny and looks deadly in suspenders. Now I don't even want to get naked with my man and I think he can tell something is up but I can't talk to him about it.Tryin to put it out of my mind but it's really hard. I want to ask him why he still has these photos, and I want to know how could he possibly find my body appealing after having two years with some woman that looks right out of playboy.. Any men out there who could give me a perspective on this? and yes I do know I shouldnt have looked, but.. too late now :(
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female
reader, wiz8mom  +, writes (30 November 2008):
Definitely talk to him about your feelings, be truthful about the phone bit, just like you were here. If that's his old phone, ask him to get rid of it. You'll know his feelings for you are genuine when he tosses it without blinking an eye.
A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (13 October 2008):
 Hi Hunny
You are beautiful sweetheart, Beauty does not come from the outside only,It is very much from the inside of a person within that person is the beauty of them as a whole on the outside is not even half. You are beautiful no matter if your hair is short its sexy the colour red oozes sex appeal. There are 22yrs age difference between my fiance and I he could if he wished choose any girl he wanted he is yummy..Ive only just realised just how yummy LOL!!!I fell for his kindness and caring personality at a very difficult time in my life he held me up and carried me through.My ex b/f past away. I no how this feels love...Now over 2 n half yrs later Im back to the way I was yrs ago thanks to him and my confidence is good again..Always believe in you love you are what makes him happy its because of you he feels so good about himself..I bet your extreemly pretty hunny you dont see it in the way you see this other girl and in your astonishment you cant believe it. BELIEVE IT LOVE! Sounds like you have something special with your man he adores you TAKE CARE WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, cliis its me  +, writes (13 October 2008):
if the man your with doesnt want you do you think he would still be with you screw hot body she could be the most annoying air head ever, no body knows except him most really glam ppl r the most irritating and you sound so down to earth a little jittery(wat girl isnt wen they love someone) but u seem very down to earth. there is no point in being so warped in this becuz if u worry bout something daily it becomes part of ur routine and but the sounds of things you have nothing to worry about at all....
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (13 October 2008):
 What I meant to say in my last answer, is something I've said before in my column. Je re'pete', everyone has different ideas of beauty. I don't think that Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise are appealing, at least not to me.
I'm embarrassed to admit this is a public forum (just pray he's not reading it) I used to really fancy another teacher in my school. I wasn't in love with him, just kinda liked him (a secret I'll take to my GRAVE, because I wouldn't have dreamed of ACTING on those feelings), but looks-wise, he wouldn't have turned most people's heads, but he used to give me the stomach butterflies. Some people just have "je ne sais quoi."
Also, sexy is not just about physical qualities. So the other girl is Miss August... but maybe you have other qualities that she lacks. For example, perhaps you can sing? A really beautiful voice is just as sexy as a smoking body :)
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera +, writes (13 October 2008):
Daniel is right, in order to get peace and closure the best thing to do is to talk to your boyfriend and tell him how you feel. I'm sure that he'll understand your feelings.
Lots of girls are self-conscious about their appearance, and although it's true that guys value other qualities, virtually every woman wants to feel attractive and appealing. Think about the things about your appearance you don't like... and what you can do about them. If you decide to change, then change because you want to make yourself happy, not to impress someone else.
It sounds like your boyfriend really loves you and cares about you. Whenever I've discussed the topic of attraction with guys, the consensus I've received is that a men are attracted to a woman's "forma de ser," or "way of being," a person's essence. It's about chemistry cara (my dear). It sounds like there is chemistry between you and your boyfriend, a chemistry that may have been lacking in his former relationship.
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (12 October 2008):
 Pffft! By the time I wrote my answer and posted it, their was another 3 replies,
{I promise I didn't copy any of them} All their answers are good too!
: )
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (12 October 2008):
Hey darlin',
I agree with Daniel..there, you are sounding very insecure. What you have to understand and accept is, that he is with you now, not her. He sounds great, and you've made it quite clear that he loves being with you.
I can totally relate with how you're feeling tho'.. I was exactly like you. The guy I was seeing for 14 years was with a girl at least 8-10 yrs younger than me. She wasn't tall, in fact she was shorter than me, and I'm only 5.1 and a bit....but she was gorgeous, a size 10 (UK) ....the only way I can describe her is; looking just like Dolly Parton...really long flicky bubbly blonde hair, lovely legs, big boobs and a really pretty face. I, on the other hand am the complete opposite, a size 14, shortish dark brown hair, legs nowhere near as lovely and my body had been through carrying twins the size of elephants! {My boobs are okay tho'..phew!!}.
But he 'dumped' her for me, and we lasted 14 years. It took me forever to feel confident enough to get naked in front of him...even right up to last year before we split, I was still shy to be naked with him.
He loved me for who I was, and adored everything about me...worshipped the ground I walked on, he did.
So you see my luv, he's looking at the person, and not on how 'perfect' your body is, or how your hair or face looks ...it's you he wants.....as a person.
Now, if you fell guilty, then tell him you accidentally come across the pics of his ex, and explain to him just as you have to us, I'm sure he'll understand, and hopefully he'll be sweet enough to reassure you that you are beautiful, and that you're the one he wants to be with.
If you don't do this, you may have this on your conscience for a long time, and you'll always be thinking about her - and never gain that confidence to feel comfortable naked with him again.
Stay happy, enjoy each other, believe that you are beautiful in his eyes as well as your own and above all ...love yourself.
Keep us updated, yeah?
Take care and the best of luck.
BigSis
xXx
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A
female
reader, Sega +, writes (12 October 2008):
Sweetie...there is more to men than just bodies and sex. Try not to be so hard on yourself. There is some feature that I am sure he just loves.
None of us are perfect...okay. She may have had a hot body, but she could have been dumb as a broom. You seem to be a very intelligent, articulate young lady.
Try to feel good with your body and try to love yourself. Some men hate huge boobs! But, you cannot love your b/f appropriately, if you cannot love yourself.
I believe in you and I know you can make him a very happy man.
Good luck, and God bless!!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (12 October 2008):
 The man you describe sounds very, very happy to be with you. The problem is, I believe, that you're insecure about yourself.
While it is true that we look much at a woman's body, it's not true that is all we take into consideration. You obviously think that is all that matters for us, and therefore can't understand why a man would want to be with you even if you don't look like A or B.
I'm not sure why he has those pictures of his ex. However, don't rush to assumptions and don't just think he isn't over her. I couldn't say so, but I don't think that's the case.
Why don't you tell him that you saw his ex and you feel insecure, et cetera, etcetera?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2008): All men aren't shallow, he fell in love with you and finds you attractive! I be more annoyed of the fact he still has pictures like that of his ex!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2008): Have you heard the phrase "Beauty is more than skin deep"
Maybe he was tired of the pretty thing he was going with...tired of fighting off the attentions of other guys and has found someone he feels comfortable with, maybe you come across as safe dependable and loving him rather than yourself...Who knows? What I will say is that Attraction is a difficult thing to understand only a small part of it is looks a lot if it is down to pheremones, genetic compatibility, deportment, body language and personality.
What should be important to you is that he and you are comfortable with each other and from all accounts he really seems to like you.
So she has a body to kill for so what don't put yourself down... to a lot of guys out there you too would look deadly in suspenders, it may be true that you won't get on the cover of vogue but neither will she and do you really want to be in playboy.
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