A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Men: Why do you ask about a woman's sexual past if you are going to (intentionally or otherwise) judge her for it and hold it against her? ...even when she has never been unfaithful, she has always been honest with you, she is with you and doesn't want to be with anyone else?
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male
reader, LOSTONEla  +, writes (27 January 2009):
Passionately numb - I have had similar problems. I think there are a couple things that may help - talk it out to make sure you understand her intent - and feelings in the matter. Do not go into details - it is a bottomless pit that will evoke images in your head forever. Once you understand it - you need her help to say what is different - better, bigger, etc with you. Hold on to these pieces of info and use them to chase away the bad thoughts - you need to understand the bright side to all this - she chose you and for reasons she can reassure you with. good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): "Statisticlly speaking, most women with a sexual past that involes many partners also have a history of cheating"
I'd love to see some evidence of those satistics, it would be very interesting to read. And while your at it, could you also provide statistics for how many men who have had sex in their past are also more likely too cheat.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): Nope your right, this woman is not his wife, and she should count herself lucky... Caller, you've heard from a man in pain. If a guy talks to you like that or shares those type of views, please run and stay as far away as you can. Most nice men don't act like this at all. If people ask about your past and you don't want to tell, tell them to bloody mind their own business and leave you to mind your own. If the guy is a serial killer, he'd still be in jail.
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female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (30 December 2008):
 You stupid, ignorant, self centred woman!!!!!!What I dont get and I may be daft but the poster is asking a simple question. She did not say she was involved with such a man, She asked a question! And on that I would just answer that as I felt her need to no our advise could help her......
You stupid, ignorant, self centred woman!
You do not even no her, You are the stupid, ignorant, self centred one here....I understand anyone with problems yes talk about it we will try and help...But bringing on your own pain to answer a question is not right, If it were then every man out there would be an arse and thats just not true!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): Dear poster,
In simple terms it can be called as Double standards.Have you ever asked your boyfriend,"How many girls you have slept with?"
Men are not created with a hymen.In women its very easy to find out whether you are a virgin or not.There are many virgins who don't have hymen.If the man didn't have sex education its even worse as it happens in my country.
Maybe we are more trusting.When we are in love we don't think much.There are some women who find it tough to digest a man's past as well.
I understand why you told it to him.You were absolutely in love and wanted to be honest with him.Sadly being honest with the wrong person only leads to heart break.A person who is insecure will always think,"Did she tell me the whole truth?".Life becomes hell for the woman.
There are men who are very secure with themselves and they care a darn about your past.He is happy being in your present and your future.
I suggest you find someone who loves you.If they truly love you, trust comes in.They will not care about your past.
Love is the key word.
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A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (30 December 2008):
Who on earth is the last post referring to here???????????I for one am lost on his rant!!!!
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male
reader, kingofpain +, writes (22 December 2008):
You stupid, ignorant, self centered woman. Speaking from experience as a man who has suffured, along with his two sons, numberous indignations as a result of his wifes selfish and debaucherous sexual history, I will tell you why,in no uncertain terms; "Why we ask about a woman's sexual past if we are going to (intentionally or otherwise) judge a women for it and hold it against her? ...even when she has never been unfaithful, she has always been honest with you, she is with you and doesn't want to be with anyone else?" First: the fact is you usually understate it or out and out LIE about it. Second: We have the right to JUDGE you by it. It tells of your caractor, your judgement, your morality, your self respect, and your view of the dignanty and respect that you want to present to your future husband and children.
Third: Statisticlly speaking, most women with a sexual past that involes many partners also have a history of cheating. Fourth: I doubt that you have been totally forthcoming with him. Again, most women that have been promiscious in their past tend to have a pathalogical tendency about lying about it. Fourth: You were with many other men. Point in fact,YOU LEFT THEM. This is not condusive to making any other man feel safe within the relationship. Sorry about your poor decisions, but this man has every right to feel the way he does and my advice to him is to RUN, not walk away from you. Girl, you're messed up! Good luck on finding anyone who is willing to stay with you the rest of your life. You are currently a poor bet for a wife.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): A man likes to know his heart is going to be safe in your keeping. This is why he asks about your past.
If your answers make him insecure he should really leave there and then rather than enter into arguments and debates about your past.
Hope this helps
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): It is a sign of a man who has decided that this might be the one. He wouldnt care otherwise. Problem is that if she has been with too many partners he will decide to on. may seem unfair or sexist, but thats how men pick lifetime partners. Something to think about if you are female and want to get married some day.
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female
reader, KickRox +, writes (19 November 2008):
 I agree. 'Don't ask, Don't tell.'
In my almost (4) month relationship things were going smooth..he asked and asked and I was like, Why?!?
So, I said a little here and there to shut him up and he said way too much. I handled it quite good.
But then we went to a party at one of his friend's house and a group of his friends made it clear that his past involved many women. I was so pissed thinking they did that on purpose to see what my reaction would be! He answered with an 'Oh yeah, she knows.'
I kept it cool until we got inside the car. I'm still classy in public..but when him and I were alone I let him have it.
He never apologized or anything. It was lingering for days..and I called it quits soon after that.
It was something that I never asked yet he seemed to want to tell, tell, tell.
But Why? Oh well..Lol.
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A
female
reader, aunty_rach +, writes (18 November 2008):
i get sick of having to tell a current bf about an ex bf.
i dont like to ask questions about their ex gf's, because they are in the past. so why do men have to keep bringing up ex bf's?
it's like get over it, i'm with you..not him!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2008): The answers given here doesn't really do a great job of actually pinning down the actual reasons.First you have to understand here that during sex, let's face it, it's mainly all down to how well the man performs that determines great sex. Women don't really have to do that much, the guy can get off with any woman as long as he's penetrating her.Women more times than anything worry a little too much about their own performance in bed a lot of the times it's quite unnecessary. If a man leaves you because he finds sex better with another woman he's a nitpicking asshole. Whereas if a woman leaves a man because of better sex elsewhere it's a lot more damaging and subtsantial because great sex 'is' largely dependant on the man.Believe it or not there 'are' men out there with values who have an idealistic and sentimental view of life and sex is treated as something special.Us men like to know that we and the women we love are experiencing something beautiful and that they are too, knowing that we're both sharing in it.When a woman has a history it bothers us because we end up having to compete against other men who we may possibly never be able to top. It's heartbraking knowing that someone else was able to satisfy her more than you could, a job that you should be good at for the woman you love. We end up having to try really hard to feel as though we've done 'possibly' satisfactory and know we're being judged every time.This answer would also explain why a lot of men would prefer their woman to be virgins, that way she's actually 'unspoiled' and that way they can be with her with a peace of mind.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2008): Possibly because they have had things happen to them in the past with other people and don't want a repeat. It might be worth asking them this and point out you are not that person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2008): I think troubledtoomuch has brought up a very good point.
Apart from one or two, nearly every girl I have got that close to has gone too far with detailing their explicit past, despite me never wanting to bring it up. I have always suspected it was to do more with guilt and being ashamed, a fear of being judged and wanting to somehow be "accepted" for it, but I don't think they really understand what they risk in divuldging such detail.
I do know one or two girls that would find it something to boast about, but they are very few and far between. In my situations it is like they are connected to a lie detector or something, maybe it is just that they feel a deeper level of trust and they feel they can tell me stuff like that.
Having this kind of past knowledge has actually ruined a few of my relationships and nowadays I try and explain that it is better not going in to any specific detail about our pasts. It is no different from me explaining in great detail how deeply I may have loved an ex-girlfriend and thought she was my world and I would be with her forever - it is enough to put thoughts in a current girlfriends head that she'll never match up and like the guy who has to deal with thoughts of his sexual girlfriend she has to deal with equally distressing thoughts.
I think though if someone genuinely is right for you then you will have a similar sexual history, as well as a similar relationship history. If both these are the same then if certain questions come up, it isn't going to cause a problem. But if one person was or is promiscuous and the other wasn't, then if it's ever brought up, it's probably going to cause a problem sooner or later.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2008): Phil is right. Different things are important to different guys. For instance, I would like to know that I give my wife the best orgasms that she ever had, but I don't care at all that one of her boyfriends of 18 months (she dated others during that time) was 8 inches long and fairly thick. If I can make her feel better in bed then he did then that is all that matters.
I think that white lies like Phil listed are many times appropriate, as long as they don’t make the man or woman think that what they are doing wrong is fine. If that is the case, then the partner’s lovemaking skills will not improve. My wife and I talk about our experiences with other partners and we have both improved our skills in some areas by doing that. What she did in bed with guys is not a problem for me. It was her sleeping with several guys (not at the same time) who she had just met 2 hours earlier that was the problem. We tell each other what we like and don’t like about sex and other things.
If a person is doing something wrong then they should gently be told. If they are doing something very right then they should be told that too. To make the other person feel the best, the wrong things should be played down and the right things should be played up. We have always done that, or at least tried to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2008): All we need to hear is "He was smaller than you", "He only lasted 20 seconds", "Unlike with you, I hardly ever had an orgasm", "He never satisfied me like you do", "I never loved him like I love you".
A few white lies never go amiss in such situations. It's the equivalent of you asking "Does my bum look big in this?", "Do you think my tits are too small?" "Do I have a tight pussy?", "Am I better in bed than her?"
Make the answer fit the question.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2008): Just what makes you think that it is the guy who always asks about his girlfriend's sexual past. Many times it is the woman who has some need to volunteer this information. In these cases, she is either ashamed or feels guilty of her past or is afraid that her partner will find out because they know some of her past sexual partners. It is also occasionally possible that she is proud of her exploits and wants to brag about them. This last one does not seem to happen very often, but I have read a couple of questions on this board where the girlfriend was like that. It seems like men are more likely to have that attitude.
I have had sexual relations with 5 women in my lifetime. Three of them had some need to tell me about their pasts. I never asked any of them and would have rather not known. I made assumptions because of the type of women who they were and was happy with what I thought. One came straight out and told me. Another (my current wife of 23 years) told me by ever increasingly bad sounding hints. The third told me in bits and pieces. I have no idea what the final tally would have been, as we broke up before she got that far. She would tell me in a story, like the time that they did it on the front porch or the time that she forgot that a guy was coming from out of town and had to get another guy out before he showed up. They all told me very early in the relationship. The only person who I ever asked anything about her past was my wife after she told me about each of her 10 partners that she had in 3 years. She was the one who opened up the subject.
My wife told me because she was not happy with the way she had behaved some of the time and unhappy with how easy she had been shortly after she left her first husband. She told me other things about herself that she did not like over dinner on our third date. Again, I never asked for any of these details.
If you read a lot of the questions from guys on this subject you will discover that a lot of the times a woman will spill the beans when she is drunk. It is after this that the guy wants to know more of the details. That might be because he is bothered by what she has just told him or because he is curious. I don’t know how some women can think that they can tell a guy all of this and then just expect him to shut up after they have gotten their guilt off of their chest. That is what my wife did and it made it very difficult for me. Fortunately, for our continuing relationship, she was very willing to talk to me as much as I needed when the feelings resurfaced last year. She knew that she had been unintentionally mean to me 28 years earlier and wanted to make up for it. Also, she no longer had guilt over her past, as she was proud of the woman she has been since meeting me.
Now to the other side of the story. Many men do ask the woman about her past with no provocation from her. In that case, they deserve what information they get. If they can’t handle it then it is their fault for asking. Many men want to know everything and others would rather not know anything. The differences probably come from the different ways that various people are brought up as youths. I was brought up to think of a woman less promiscuous that my wife was for those 3 years as not worthy of any decent man and that greatly influenced my thinking. If a guy is brought up in a more permissive environment then he will probably not be bothered by his partner having had 10 or 20 or more past partners. What is indoctrinated into our minds for years as youths stay with us for many years and are difficult to overcome.
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A
male
reader, passionatelynumb +, writes (18 November 2008):
 We ask because, like it or not, we are going to judge you for it.
If the number is too high for us or we find out that our partners did something that turns our stomachs, then we have every right to move on. Ladies you can do the same thing to us too?
Good, bad, right or wrong. The decisions we make in the past do indicate what kind of a person we are today. Why else do we have things like credit reports and keep statistics on athletes?
If a girl is a trully awesome person, but her boyfriend can't deal with her past and moves on, then it is his loss. He will have missed out, and a guy who isn't bothered by her past will reap the benifits of a strong and healthy relationship.
Everyone says the past is the past. But wouldn't you want to know if your potential husband had been a serial killer in the past? I know that comparison sounds extreme but everyone has their own morality. If their potential partner doesn't fit that morality then they have every right to look for someone who does.
If a someone feels that sex is special and should be saved for the most serious of relationships, then they have a right to want to be with someone who feels the same way about it.
I'll tell you one thing. I wish I had never asked that question. I've tried so hard not to judge, but it does me no good. There isn't a morning since where I haven't woken up without being torchered by the stories my potential wife has told me. And there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about walking away from the pain.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (18 November 2008):
 It's psychological. Women do it as well. Sory about the term here, but it's sometimes called "menaal masterbation." These talks should be kept to a minimum. For both men and women it's simple to become jealous about the past. Depending on what happened in the past, fear can be developed as well.
This is hard to explain without going into psycho babble. Part comes from not having someone else share those experiences with the person you care for. To sum all the reasons up into the underlying cause of your question. Men and women seek friendships and love. These behaviors, among numerous other reasons stem from a desire to be loved or a fear of loosing love.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (18 November 2008):
 Good question, I'm not a guy but I just wanted to add my two cents. I think the military has the right idea: "Don't ask and don't tell".
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