A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What is wrong with guys these days??I am a newly single woman on my 30s. I ve been married for many years since I was 21, and have a teenage son. I meet men often, I started going out, but I don't only meet guys in bars, but just randomly they approach me on a street. Many even younger than me.This is the ussual situation: they approach me, we talk a little, depends on a situation, may be have coffee, and after that they immediately start making arrangements for sex. First found it funny, and silly, now after it happened so many times for the past couple months, it made me thinking. Is is this all I am going to get? I go on dates too, but ussualy just after one date during which all he talks is about my hot body and my "gorgeous boobs" there is sniffer for bed. I am writing this after yesterday's encounter, the same scenarium repeated itself just 2 days before this one. I was having lunch, sitting outside, beatifull weather, I was in a good piecefull mood. A young waiter kept on looking at me. He was not that terribly younger than me, may be few years. He was really cute with his soft look and nice smile. I liked him. We talked as much as we could, and he took my phone number. He called me while I was driving home and asked me what am I doing later at night. I thought he means later like at 7 p.m., but he said , no I am working till 11. I said, I will be asleep, I have to get up at 6 for GYM and then work. He said, o, ok, may be I can just come over? I laughed and said, come to my house doing what? He realized something, and said: well, we could go for coffee or drink , but again you said its kind of late for you. I excused myself and told him I need to go. He still called around 10:30, I just ignored him. Another incident just 2 days before. I was in a park, walking my dog, and this guy with his dog started walking with me. He told me how beatifull I am, we talked about dogs, and exchanged phone numbers. He called me on a weekend asking what I was doing on Sunday morning. My son was with his father, and I was free. The guy invited me to the beach. We just walked, he didn't offer to have lunch, or do something else, we just walked and talked for couple hours. And then I said thati need to go home, since he was not really offering to do anything else, and I had enough of beach time. He also looked all over my body not making it obvious, but I noticed.He walked me to my car, and then out of the blue, he started inviting himself to my house. I looked at him and asked why on Earth would he even think that he is ready for a house visit. He just stand there looking at me and smiling. I got in my car and left. He texted me later and then few day after, I never answered. If I meet someone Ina bar, it's even worth, but it somehow understandable: everyone is drinking, and there on a hunt. But still, I would give my phone number sometimes, but all they want is a hook up this very night, and nothing else. I travel quite a bit, for work and sometimes for fun. Ussualy it's different countries in Europe. There I actually get to be invited out. Guys ask me to have dinner with them, or show me around, and they don't insist or invite themselves to my hotel the first day. May be its only in my country that guys shamelessly without even trying to hide it trying to get in my bed after few minutes of conversation. I was not in a dating scene for awhile, the last 20 years I think, but as far asi remember it was never like this. Guys asked women on proper dates, but not , can I come to your house (to shag). Very disappointing. Any thoughts on that?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): Well, leitenant , then you are just a very lucky (unussualy) girl, not like OP
Op, you right, dating scene is like this, but there are guys out there who don't just like to shag. Give it more time, but just remember that you will find 1 guy out of 50 that approach you that doesn't want just sex. good luck!
A
female
reader, Lieutenant  +, writes (8 December 2013):
Maybe it's the way you look? I mean your attire, your makeup, the way you carry yourself? Maybe there's something about it that says "come on boys, i'm ready for a shag, no strings attached here!". You might not be doing it purposefully, but you might be doing it. I'm much younger than you are and men that approach me do not approach me to just have sex. Even guys my age do not expect me to just have sex even after several dates.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (8 December 2013):
Dear OP,
I have met many men that are really interested in dating and put a lot of effort in arranging for nice dates. How did I meet them? Well, they were certainly not the strangers that walked up to me on the street, in clubs or at bars. No. Because those guys are full of themselves or just desperate and hungry, so they don't care about rejection and just try. Also, they approach you solely because of your looks. It CAN be fun and it's certainly nice to get that attention.. but in most cases, the random strangers that talk to you are not boyfriend-material. I'm from europe and don't know if the situation is even worse in the US, but even I can relate to this.
I've met the really nice, dating-friendly men on the internet.. tadaah! Through online dating sites. Because nowadays, the guys that have manners and like to go on real dates.. well, they are NOT interested in just approaching strangers. They either don't know how to do that, are too shy or they are aware what they will be mistaken for. The advantage of online dating is also, that you have a say in where to meet the guy, when to meet him, and you can chose a "safe area" where you can leave if things don't work out. Also, you can email with that person and by the way he writes, you'll find out quickly what he's interested in. If he only compliments you on the photos on your profile but doesn't seem to have read the profile text (e.g. your interests, profession) you can be pretty sure he justs wants to shag. If he compliments you on your interesting profile text and shares some of your interests he's more dating material.
So, my advice is to either join a good online dating site or to be more proactive yourself. Which means, don't wait for a good guy to just walk up to you by chance. The guys that approach you are a random selection of people, sometimes desperate or shameless individuals (not all of them, but even if you meet a few, it can ruin the mood and make you think less of men in general). If you go out, go "hunting". Look around and spot THE one guy you would like to get to know better that evening. A guy that seems confident, happy and not too needy and desperate. Then send him some flirting signals and if he responds positively.. you can, for once, make the "first step". If you get a smile, a nod or positive eye contact before you approach him, it's a calculated risk and rejection is not so likely. And even if you get rejected every now and then, it's better to do something then just waiting for a good guy to magically appear.
I'm single for long enough to know that the good guys are harder to find than the bad ones (they do exist, though). So don't hope for a miracle (although I wish you one) and take the matter into your own hands.
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (8 December 2013):
 Honeypie suggested courses or through hobbies you may have. That's a good place to start. Or through friends. Or church. Anywhere you are introduced and can interact socially without the sexual element.
Remember, everyone here is only trying to help you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2013): Ok, human male,stupid me, then what exactly other circumstances and places would you advice me to meet proper men? Because I don't know what you are talking about. Do YOU know any other places or circumstances that I can meet different kind of men, so I can break a pattern ?
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A
male
reader, human_male +, writes (8 December 2013):
I think you've received some good advice and you've successfully torpedoed nearly all of it.You've stated that the problem you're having is that all the men you meet are trying to initiate sex too quickly for your comfort. And from what we can gather from your post you meet these men under pretty much the same circumstances... they chat you up. What has been suggested to you, and what I agree with is that the type of men that do this, the type who are confident and cocky and are able to chat up attractive women on the street or in cafes tend to be the sort that are only out for one thing. If you want to avoid that sort of man, then it's logical that you should stop accepting invitations under those circumstances. To put it another way, break the pattern that repeatedly leads you to an unwanted result. So it was suggested to you that you try to meet men under different circumstances in the hopes it might lead to a more favourable outcome for you, and to approach some men yourself. You shot both ideas down, and I'm sorry to be harsh but to say you don't have to approach men because you get plenty of them approaching you is just stupid in the context of your post, because you're not getting the results from these men that you want.My advice to you would be to break this cycle instead of endlessly repeating it and make an effort to meet a different type of man in different situations, and yes that might mean approaching someone or going somewhere that you consider a waste of your time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 December 2013):
 I only meant not to repeat what isn't working. From what you write, giving your number out to a guy you just met and chatted with leads to them thinking:" OH I just SCORED!!" (And I don't think you give out any vibes or "I'm an easy lay" either) but if that is how it usually goes, I would try another approach.
If you already take some classes then yes, don't add another one JUST to met guys.
I don't really have any suggestion as to fix it, personally I would HATE to be dating these days. :(
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A
male
reader, M Proops +, writes (7 December 2013):
I'm afraid it's a different world today,this was not the case about 30 years ago.I think the internet has a lot to answer for,it's all about sex sexand instant gratification.Most men don't want to woo a woman these days because there are plenty of ladettes out there who also only want sex as well.You only have to look at these holiday programmes for young people in Ibiza etc,it's all about sex with multiple partners,alcohol and drugs.There are the old fashioned types still out there,you'll have to search them out.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2013): To answer the questions what type of clothes and make up I wear: that particular day I was in my business dress, and I usually don't wear that much make up at all. I don't think I give out any particular signals, I am not even a flirty type. I ve been married my whole life, what kind of signals I can possibly give a guy that he might suggest that I am an easy lay? I really don't think that I am to blame, I think there is something wrong with a dating scene now.,Honeypie, I do have hobbies, and I do take classes, but I am not going to take an extra class which I have no time for just to meet a guy. also how am I supposed to get to know a guy who approached me and who i like initially if I don't give my phone number to him? How is he going to stay in touch with me if he has noway of locating me.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 December 2013):
I'm so sorry, I can only say thank goodness I am not in the dating game these days.
I agree with Janniepeg, it DOES seem like (not just) the dating game is shifting towards constant and instant gratification.
Anyhow, I would not give out my number to a guy you just meet and who chats you up. If you have experience that 10 out of 10 of these fellas are just looking to have sex. Then obviously THAT approach is NOT working for you. I would just say, no thanks I'm not looking for a quick lay (or hook up which ever), but thanks for a lovely conversation. Maybe NEXT time they approach a woman they will think twice?! One can hope.
I think the fact that you are good looking AND respond in a positive way (you chat back), is INSTANTLY interpreted as YOU want sex too, so let's get to it! Even being polite and using your manners can be misconstrued at flirtation or hitting on the other person. It's kind of sad.
I don't think you should STOP being you. Don't stop being nice and have conversations, but I would SERIOUSLY think about trying a new approach. Heck maybe even try a class (if you have any hobbies) and see who you met there.
I'm not a fan of dating sites, for the simple reason that SO many people who are on it, are NOT looking for a date/relationship, but use it it to hook up basically taking advantage of the people who ARE there to date/meet someone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2013): This is OP. to reader anon. I said this guy was younger, but not that much, and SOME of them are younger, not ALL of them. There are plenty who are my age or older that I talk to.
I have no need to approach anyone, I have plenty of them to approach me.
May be women do this quickly, I don't now, may be even I would do it quickly, but just to invite themselves to my bed without even asking on one date?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2013): You must be giving off some wrong signals. What kind of clothes and make-up do you wear?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2013): Many times I have heard a woman comment or agree that guys just approaching a woman for casual sex outright is rude. But talk to the woman a little more and she usually reveals that she has responded to a guy and slept with him pretty quickly at least a few times in her life, usually because he was sexy enough and the circumstances were right.
That principle is the answer. It's like saying "a salesman should never just ask me to hand him my money without getting what I was shopping for" but then admitting that you have agreed to do that occasionally because you liked the salesman enough. If customers are EVER willing to do it then you cannot blame all the salesman for at least trying it almost every time. Its just being smart on their part.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2013): I think you just must be a very attractive, confident woman the type that everyone notices when you walk into a room. Then you attract the confident, cocky men willing to 'give it a go'. Especially as they are young, they just see you as a trophy to add to the collection. I know traditionally it's a man's role, but you could try approaching a man more around your age who you like the look of. He may be able to offer you more respect as a person than a sex object.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 December 2013):
 I am sure it happens in Europe too. The dating culture is shifted from chivalry to instant gratification. When men spend money on dinner they may not get sex, but if they directly solicit 100 women for sex at least 3 would respond positively, without the expensive check. I got this statistic may be 10 years ago, now that number should be higher. Why some men just go for the kill, maybe it depends on how long his sex drought has gone on for. And this happens to women of all economic backgrounds, especially attractive ones.
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