A
male
age
51-59,
*ohn Caveman
writes:I met my wife 15 years ago. It started as one night thing that just got extended... I have later realized that I never had a change to have big crush on her first. We just started being together because it was convenient and we liked each other.Little over year ago I met a girl and I can't get her out of my mind. We are working in same company, but she works in different department (and floor). The first thing we did together was stare into each others eyes for minutes because our employer wanted to shoot some employee photos and we had both volunteered...I first tried to just forget her. That didn't work. Then I thought that we had hardly spoken anything and I really didn't know her. Maybe talking to her would help me see her as just another human being?I arranged an event I hoped she might be interested in. Well, that kind of worked... we were now talking, but I learned she is now single and she seemed to be interested in me... Oh, boy. That didn't help at all :-/At the same time my marriage is not too good. We have the routine thing going and we both have some things that we would like to change. We can hold it together, but it's just so 99% pure friendship... (in good and bad)How can I get over this HUGE crush? (Or can I?) It's killing me. I really haven't experienced this strong feelings before and so far haven't found a way to just forget and ignore her. The caveman in me is pushing in these feelings and my logical and analytical thinking is pretty much useless :-/
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male
reader, John Caveman +, writes (28 November 2009):
John Caveman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello again. I wanted to give you an update. I had a good long talk with my crush. I learned that she had ended her previous relationship for the same reasons I am now struggling with mine. She also told me that she is now seeing someone. I told her about my situation, but decided not to tell about my crush because I didn't want to interfere with her new love. Anyway, it was good that we talked. I could now see her much more easily as just another human being.
After sleeping over the whole thing I decided to still tell about my crush. I felt that she was safely in love with someone else (so I considered the risk of me causing any trouble minor) and I still kind of hoped for some sort of closure (so I could get back to fixing my marriage).
We had pretty interesting morning coffee break in the office... She listened and like I had hoped told me that it was okay to tell about my feelings (nothing would be changed in her new relationship). I had my HR monitor on and I got probably my all time high resting heart rate (137 BPM)... I showed her the HR, we laughed, and then we went back to work.
My plan had worked! I had strangely calm moment and I could concentrate fully on my marriage, but what happened next was bit of a chock: Nothing changed. All the issues still remained even without my crush interfering my thoughts. Now it seems that the crush had actually managed to postpone the inevitable because I had thought it was messing with my thinking more than it really was.
Next I'll open a new question :-)
A
male
reader, John Caveman +, writes (3 November 2009):
John Caveman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks baby duck! I'll definitely check the book.
One reason why I have let my feelings run the show is that I think some of the issues between me and my wife would require too big compromises from both of us. The issues would start to dissolve, but could create too much stress or unhappiness (also, something might be inborn trait that would need to be accepted as such). Leaving the issues as is _could_ be the "optimal" choice for years to come (from resulting happiness/satisfaction point of view), but then we would have to decide if we'll accept that situation.
I really don't know how much people can change, what would it cost and what would be the end result :-/
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A
male
reader, John Caveman +, writes (1 November 2009):
John Caveman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again everyone!If I had had crush on my wife when we met things would be easier. Then it would be easier to accept my new crush as just normal human feeling (that can be ignored). The trouble is that our marriage is so close to pure friendship that I can't feel any jealousy... I would actually be happy for her if she had crush on someone. This is something I realized years ago, before I met my crush. When we started to have issues in our marriage I actually hoped she would find someone.What I am afraid is that I'll spend the rest of my days in "95% just friends" relationship (that has it's share of issues, like any relationship) and miss many feelings people in love would have in their lifetime (both happy and unhappy feelings).Do I want to choose the safe option or do I want to take a huge risk in hopes that I could experience more happiness? I don't know.I hope there is middle ground. Hopefully I can have openly some sort of relationship with my crush and still continue living with my wife and our daughter. My wife is actually ok with me seeing my crush as friend (even when she surely suspects I have some feelings towards her). I think it would be good idea to define our relationship more clearly with my wife. Who knows, maybe she is having same kind of feelings (or at least she could share the view that we are "95% friends")?What do you think?
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A
female
reader, mutherh  +, writes (1 November 2009):
Sounds like you and your wife have bonded i.e. are great friends/partners. What you are experiencing with the woman at work is Romantic Infatuation. It's exciting! But it comes at an enormous price. I can guarantee that breaking the bond you have with your wife will cause great pain - no matter what the outcome of any new liaison.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (31 October 2009):
 First of all you have to realize that you'll never be able to fix your marriage if you're planning and arranging to meet another interest. Your marriage has to be your main focus. You will always have attractions to other people. that is life, we're meant to have feelings.
Let's assume that you'd like to have a long term relationship some day. If you always chase after attractions, you'll never be able to out down relationship roots. The roots are what give relationships strengh and what we rely on when the sex appeal is gone. What happens if you leave your partner for this new woman and meet another woman two years from now? Do you leave number two for number three, number three for number four? Where does it end? Some people are OK with that, I like depth.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (31 October 2009):
 I would first want to determine whether your finding that your marriage doesn't work is a true thing, or something that happens when you happen to see the girl in question. The Caveman feelings, as you referred to them, would be called "lust" by some people. Please, be sure that I realize it could be true love. I just would like you to check that.
Then, I would ask myself whether I would really end my marriage if she were not in the picture. That is, whether q1605's sample divorce decree wouldn't stop me :-) from divorcing her anyways. q1606 is making a good point, by the way; whether we like it or not, practicalities do matter. A lot.
You don't say whether you have any children. If you do, are you taking them into consideration?
And then, I would ask myself whether she would be a good option if I were single.
As it is now, I believe that you're running the risk of getting involved with her while still married, and making a mess of everything.
Don't rush. Think and act then.
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A
male
reader, John Caveman +, writes (31 October 2009):
John Caveman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks! I needed that cold shower :-)
baby duck: Your reply helped me see this through her eyes. She gets a lot attention from guys and I think it's routine thing for her. Now that I think about it, her reaction to "complex" situations might be very similar to yours (and it anyway would be inconsiderate of me to drag her into this even if she didn't see how complex/ugly it inevitably would get (with one child)).
I am really happy I asked you, so thanks again!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2009): Don't end your marriage over someone you don't yet know that well. Still, if this is true love and your marriage is not, then I actually think you and your wife would be better off going your separate ways. This is one of the main reasons why I'm not a big believer in marriage as an institution. It's different if there are kids involved, of course.
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