A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I've been together w my husband for 81/2 years. I got pressured into having sex with a co-worker. I was too afraid to tell him no. (why , because he got mad at me if I didn't). Stupid stupid I know. I have always had zero feelings for this guy. in-result ,this foolishness... I just had his baby (my coworkers baby). I haven't told my husband, it just breaks my heart to tell him I messed up. But everyday it kills me knowing the mistake I made. Q: what do I do? It's going to bring great shame to his and my family. I want to run away from it all. I love my husband, he doesn't deserve this. Any advice? Please before I get hate answers, this is very difficult for me. I realized I messed up bad. I can't Change the passed.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (19 December 2010):
 Your going to have to tell him. Where were you and the co-worker that allowed this to happen to you. If there is someone pressuring you, and gets mad if you say no, you should have never been somewhere where this could have happened. You made this mistake, and you need to take full ownership of it and talk to your husband no matter how hard it may be. The way you are living now is not going to be good for you. It's not going to be good for your marriage, if you two decide to work through these issues together. You will be far worse off if you continue keeping this secret.
You should NEVER be in a position to allow someone to have sex with you, because they'll get mad if you say no. There is something really wrong with this situation and how it happened. What about "sexual harassment" at work? What about telling your husband someone was harassing you and that you were scared? There were other options that could have been done. One thing, it's just common sense that a woman being harassed by a guy would not put themselves in a position where they could be alone together. He may have pressured you, and may have gotten mad if you said no, but you're married. I don't know guys, if you said you're married, that wouldn't take the hint.
You are in this position and the only way to have peace, begin to heal or reconcile with your husband is to tell him what had happened. It may be the hardest thing that you've ever had to do, but to move forward from where you are now is the only option you really have. I can't image what you're going through, so I'm not going to attempt to try.
I hope you do the right thing, and find some peace in your life. NEVER let something like this happen again. Your body is yours, and you determine fully who has access and who does not. Take care.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): I work in the legal industry. The OP must not throw the word 'rape' around loosely. From what she wrote she was pressurized and she felt bad to say no. No one 'forced her, she just felt bad to say NO. Did she say NO. Did she do anything about the so called pressure.
From what I see these are the brutal 'facts': the OP got herself into a position where she knew the Other man wanted to have sex with her. She had sex with this man bec she felt bad to reject. In having sex with her lover she fell pregnant and she has been lieing to her hb ever since. She is passing off another mans seed as her hbs.
So OP, no hate speech but realistic advice. You are not living in the stone age. Did this man Rape you or Not. Did you tell him NO? Yes you have so much of sympathy right now but it doesn't make what u are ding right. You are so wrong by deceiving your hb. Realise that u are still in your co workers presence every working day. I think u played adulterous games and you got caught in your own game. This 'game' went further than u expected and the result is that you are hoodwinking your hb.
Remember it is a crime to hide a childs true paternity. You can be taken to task legally for lieing on the kids birth certificate. It means that u will soon find yourself on the wrong side of the law.
I just wanted to give you some 'facts' so that you understand about this so call 'rape'.
If this was definitely 'rape' then by all means you have recourse but be very careful spreading lies in the workplace. Right now you have a lot of explaining to do so the sooner you open your mouth the sooner you can get a handle on this nightmare.
Sorry if you think I am harsh but realise what u have been doing to your hb is very cruel indeed. Basically it doesn't make u a nice person.
You can say no Hate please but you need to know that u are doing wrong.
Just from a legal point you need to be aware of what you are alledging.
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): That's rape! He should be turned in to either your work (and if there's an HR tell them that as well cause they can help you out with things like that) and the proper authorities. I would also get a lawyer as well. What he did was wrong. You should never have to feel like you have to sleep with him cause he'd get angry. No one should ever force you to sleep with them just because he'd get mad or violent. No one does!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): I feel your anguish but please know that in the act of keeping your pregnancy, you are a hero for your baby and in the eyes of many. You could have gotten an abortion, but you didn't and in my eyes, that was a wonderful thing that you did. When you tell your husband tell him with compassion and lots of patience and love. Don't forget to tell that dingbat coworker that he is a father (that is, if the baby is his) and child support is going to be a part of his life from here on (that's if you want him to be a part of this baby's life). Oh, and one last thing, empower yourself with love and respect. Don't let any one force you to do something that you don't want to do. You are a beautiful person.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): No hate, but do the only decent thing and tell your husband.I have to ask: why did you not want an abortion?How can you do this to your hb, telling him bring up a kid that is not his.I know you are in a panic and want everyone to sympathise with you but there is a bigger picture that you are missing: you had sex with another man. You had his kid. You are now parading this kid as your husbands and no amount of sympathy for you can justify your wrong doing.Why are you so concerned about your lovers family when your only concern should be your hb.Next time you are bored and looking for a sexual interest please have the guts to speak to your hb instead of seeking sex in the workplace. You are not totally innocent in this nightmare. So take a deep breath and do something positive to end this nightmare:- tell your hb the kid is not his- report your co worker to the authorities- tell your co workers wife about his activities at work- sort out your life by taking responsibility for the mess you created- your hb does not deserve this mess and know this: generational curses are a sin. Be careful.Start talking and stop hiding or this stink will blow up on your face.No hate speech but just some good honest advice.To Caring Guy, well said. Honest and Realistic answer. I am liking your advise more and more. You have become my favourite here on DC because the advice is real and you have now got the guts to call it like you see this. I know this has made me your fan. Not afraid of the rating but just saying it like it is. LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (13 December 2010):
 What spawned this cheating? After 8-1/2 years, what are you missing?
Unless, he physically forced you to have sex, i.e. rape, you could have said "no". It's usually teenage girls who get pressured into having sex, not 22-25..At that age, you know right from wrong and not to subject to pressure from guys. Then again, since you have been with your husband the last 8-1/2 years, I see where you lack dating experience.
Now, you're going to have to tell your husband as soon as possible. The gig will be up when the child grows and possesses no physical traits from your husband. It's best to tell him as soon as possible, that you cheated, then I would do a paternity test to see if the child is indeed your co-worker's.
Worst case scenario, the child is your co-worker's then, your husband could leave you and your child hung out to dry with a divorce. Then you're stuck trying to do yet another paternity test ,to extract child support from your co-worker. However, we don't know what your husband's reaction will be, he may choose to stick with you..in which I would suggest marriage counseling. Or it may be too much for him to handle, and this high school sweetheart marriage is over. Best of luck to you!
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (13 December 2010):
 Running away from it all would be the harbinger of shame, not this. You need to invite truth and honesty back into this situation so you have to start by telling your husband about everything. As daunting as this may seem, as heart wrenching as it may turn out to be, you have to keep in mind that it is necessary.
I do not know how he will react, aside from the obvious anger gnawing at him while you are telling him, there may very well be understanding. Of course he will hate it, he might feel contempt for it and for you but perhaps after some time, he will come to terms with this. Everyone makes mistakes, no matter how small or life changing it is, they are all forgivable as long as the person in question takes responsibility and accepts the consequences with as much virtue as possible. How much do you love each other? You have been married for 8 years, will he be so quick to leave even though you tell him that you love him? He will argue that this whole situation proves otherwise but if you tell him that it was a mistake, tell him that you still love him, perhaps if you devote time into being as good a wife as you can be, he will give this a chance and in time find the heart and love he needs to forgive you.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (13 December 2010):
 Oh, and don't walk away from your marriage yet. Being pressured into sex is not the same as willingly cheating. Talk through this with your husband and if things don't go well, then you make the decision to stay or go. But don't walk away without telling him the whole truth, warts and all. He loves you and he deserves to know.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (13 December 2010):
If you tell your husband the truth he may be more understanding than you think. I do wish you had told him earlier, but better late than never.
As for your coworker, him pressuring you into sex was wrong. Absolutely, totally, 100% wrong. You did not mess up...you were intimidated by a rotten excuse for a man.
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A
female
reader, Plexi  +, writes (12 December 2010):
 Honey, it's going to be ok in the end
Were you in an emotional relationship with your coworker? you said he pressured you into sex? Did you consent to have sex with him or did he force himself on you?
Does this guy know you are now pregnant and pregnant with HIS baby? are you sure its his and not your husband's?
if its his you may want to go after child support and have a chat with your hubby about everything. we don't know your husband and all the details so we don't know how he will react to this...........a bit more details would help us advise you better:)
HUGS!!!
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A
female
reader, Plexi +, writes (12 December 2010):
Honey, it's going to be ok in the end
Were you in an emotional relationship with your coworker? you said he pressured you into sex? Did you consent to have sex with him or did he force himself on you?
Does this guy know you are now pregnant and pregnant with HIS baby? are you sure its his and not your husband's?
if its his you may want to go after child support and have a chat with your hubby about everything. we don't know your husband and all the details so we don't know how he will react to this...........a bit more details would help us advise you better:)
HUGS!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2010): Well you didn't mess up as badly as you think, since you gave the baby life.
You could have taken the easy way out, and terminated the pregnancy in acting as if it hadn't happened, that would have been far worse.
God will bless you for allowing this precious baby life.
But the bad news is: Out of love and respect for your husband, you must tell him.
The secret will probably be found out eventually, and if not found out from you, the chances will be even greater of ruining your marriage.
Tell him how deeply it hurts you to hurt him.. But out of love and respect for him - you know that true love, is not to deceive.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (12 December 2010):
Walk away from your husband, now. For three reasons.
1 - He will find out. At some point, he will find out. When he finds out, he will ditch you, he will ditch the baby and there will be no chance that you will be able to move on from this. No one will trust you, or want to know you. Also, your husband will be able to sue you if he pays any money towards it. That's the new thing - husbands who have been paying for children that aren't theirs are now suing for all child support and they are winning.
2 - You can't seriously keep this a secret and make your husband pay for a baby that's not his. If you do that, then it brings your character into question even more than it already is. You've already cheated, please don't treat your husband like an ATM card and use him to pay for someone else's baby. That is not his responsibility anymore, and if you want to retain any kind of dignity from this mess, then walk.
3 - When your husband finds out, your child will find out. Then you will have a hurt, cheated husband and a very bad tempered, angry child wondering why its been lied to.
You have made a big mistake, and in my opinion the most appalling thing that you can do is to keep this a secret from your husband. He will find out, and your child will find out, and you will be public enemy number 1. Your life has now changed, and your priority has changed. Your marriage is simply over because of this, and for your own sake and the sake of your baby, you need to be honest now, and just leave.
Also, whilst I know you don't want hate answers, please don't stand there and say "I had no choice, the man I cheated with would have been angry" - You could have said no, and you didn't. You could have use protection, and you didn't. You made the decision to have unprotected sex with this man. The price is that you have brought another man's child into this marriage. That's where it ends.
The price you pay is that you need to leave and salvage what you can elsewhere. If you stay, you will ultimately be hated by your husband, child and you may well be sued.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (12 December 2010):
 Does your coworker know you are pregnant? This makes a lot of difference. How far away are you?
Brainstorm what's going to happen if you were to make a few choices in life, before just spilling it all out with your husband. At least when your husband asks you what you are going to do you had an answer. Is there anything you could do before you really had to tell him?
You are either going to punish a new life or punish the rest of your life with your decision. I am not going into the "what stage is it do we consider it life?" debate.
Are you good at secrets or do you always lose in card games where you had to lie? Are you confident and can you stop people from stepping over your boundaries? Everything happens for a reason and I guess this is a lesson for you to say no to people. You can make this a lesson a pleasanter one without getting everybody involved.
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A
female
reader, CheyenneNicole13 +, writes (12 December 2010):
 It's a tough decision, whether to tell your husband or not. And you're right, you can't change the past. But, if you explain to him what happened he'll understand.
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