A
female
age
51-59,
*mbiguous-1
writes:I have a problem...a couple really. Firstly, I am married to this really lovely, steady guy. He loves me, we have kids. We get along well, and he is truly my best friend. We have a lousy sex life, but that's not really anyone's fault - more that there are physical problems that I don't believe can be corrected. So, I am a bit (lot) frustrated in that department. This sounds trivial, but after many years, frustrations become compounded, and it is no longer a small issue.The other problem is that I am infatuated without relief with a man who is 15 years younger than me. He has a gf, and I am certain it is a one-sided thing going here. This problem I have has been going for around 3 years, and won't stop. I think about him all the time *every* day, yet I rarely see him. My stupid head must be making up what it would be like to be with him, but I can't seem to distract myself, or refocus my attention - I have deliberately left the place I used to see him, and it still doesn't end. I am sick of it. I don't want to want him, and I am at a loss of how to not be in love with this guy, b/c unfortunately, I have finally concluded that I must be (since it's gone on for so long). I get giddy whenever I am around him.So, what can I do? Has anyone else encountered this before? I feel like a real nutter.
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female
reader, happy24birthday  +, writes (12 March 2008):
 I am in a very similar situation. There is a mutual attraction, though. I think about him all the time, just like you. I can't control it. We used to communicate, mostly via texting, but all of a sudden he has started avoiding me. Of course, that makes it worse. I have been trying so hard not to contact him, but it's really hard. We are both married, so it's not like we can just get together anytime we want to. We work for the same company but not in the same building. He used to come into my office with his boss almost everytime he boss came in, but he hasn't done that lately. This avoidance all occurred right after a sexual encounter that didn't work out well for him. I won't bore you with the details, I just wanted you to know that you are not the only one out there who can't get somebody off your mind. I have to take things to sleep, I bother my friends about it, and I bring my bad mood home. I have no advice for you, but like I said, just wanted you to know you're not alone. I think the person who got over hers by having an affair with someone else is a good idea, as I've been thinking of that myself. The only thing is there's nobody who does it for me like this guy does, I've looked around. I hope you can work through it. I am in no shape to give you marital advice. I say look out for yourself. Other than being another goofy girl who has the hots for a guy, I really don't regret anything I've done or said with this guy.
A
female
reader, Ambiguous-1 +, writes (12 March 2008):
Ambiguous-1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your comments. I've got quite a lot to think about. I like the idea of broaching it with my husband, but I have already suggested the doctor, the idea of which he physically seemed to look ill at. But, I think I'll have to try again.
Then again, the direct approach has some appeal Cherrypie :P I don't really think I'm that bold, and I would always feel bad about myself, and worried that my husband would find out.
Perhaps If I can sort my marriage problems out, I'll start to see my fantasy man in cold, hard daylight, rather than my soft focus imagination. I am hoping that's all it will take, anyway. Thanks folks....
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (12 March 2008):
You have said yourself, you hardly see this fantasy man, and have invented this perfect vision in your head. He's not real.Your marriage however, does need help. Have you thought that your husband may be as bored and flustrated as you are?Ask him if he is happy? Ask him if he wants to do something about it. If you say the problem is physical you should get him to a doctor (it could be a symptom of something else) and get him to see if he needs to lose weight. Why not send the kids to a grandparent for a week and go on a second hunnymoon? Dress up nice for him, make effort, have fun, be romantic. You must have had some of that to start with. Get it back!!Good Luck! x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): Hi I talking from your opposit side, I am 28 yr old male, single. I am in love with a married women who having 2 kids and 10 yr older than me. We started on friendship, her hus was not there with her for a 7 months. I was abroad that time, we know well, when i was in india, so we could contact through internet, after 2 months i went for vacation to my home in india, this lady is one of my family member and her hus is a good friend of me. We started to act there as very close friends, when my vacation complete, and the time i have to come back, i am in trouble, i can't loss her, the same time i think about it, i got a SMS from her with the same comment. But there is no way, i have to comeback. After i reached here, we started to go with internet again, but this time it was little hard, daily hours of phone calls, hours of online voice chatting, meanwhile camsex also came between us. After 3 months of internet love, i am going again with in few days for my next vacation. We think strongly to make sex, same time we (both) think its is sin, both are from a christian background, we are in trouble now, how can you help me?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): Hi I talking from your opposit side, I am 28 yr old male, single. I am in love with a married women who having 2 kids and 10 yr older than me. We started on friendship, her hus was not there with her for a 7 months. I was abroad that time, we know well, when i was in india, so we could contact through internet, after 2 months i went for vacation to my home in india, this lady is one of my family member and her hus is a good friend of me. We started to act there as very close friends, when my vacation complete, and the time i have to come back, i am in trouble, i can't loss her, the same time i think about it, i got a SMS from her with the same comment. But there is no way, i have to comeback. After i reached here, we started to go with internet again, but this time it was little hard, daily hours of phone calls, hours of online voice chatting, meanwhile camsex also came between us. After 3 months of internet love, i am going again with in few days for my next vacation. We think strongly to make sex, same time we (both) think its is sin, both are from a christian background, we are in trouble now, how can you help me?
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A
female
reader, Amac  +, writes (12 March 2008):
My advice would be to say don't go there. I did. I didn't have sex with my guy but we got close and then almost did. It has ruined things between us and has almost destroyed my life. When the fantasy starts to become a reality all sorts of things go wrong. Ask yourself why you think about the guy every day. Is it because you are unhappy in your marriage or is it just you want to sleep with him? What is it that makes you think about him every day. Do you have a lot in common with him or is it just physical attraction. Whatever, I wouldn't go there. Sort out your marriage first, then look about. If it's been going three years it will still be going after that. Take it from me, I think about my guy every day too but now it is with huge, huge sadness and pain. It is not worth it. It can make your life hell.
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A
female
reader, Amac +, writes (12 March 2008):
My advice would be to say don't go there. I did. I didn't have sex with my guy but we got close and then almost did. It has ruined things between us and has almost destroyed my life. When the fantasy starts to become a reality all sorts of things go wrong. Ask yourself why you think about the guy every day. Is it because you are unhappy in your marriage or is it just you want to sleep with him? What is it that makes you think about him every day. Do you have a lot in common with him or is it just physical attraction. Whatever, I wouldn't go there. Sort out your marriage first, then look about. If it's been going three years it will still be going after that. Take it from me, I think about my guy every day too but now it is with huge, huge sadness and pain. It is not worth it. It can make your life hell.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (12 March 2008):
 The fact is that YOU and you alone are in charge of your thoughts, and you are responsible for them when they are wandering. You also have to be the person in charge of your relationship with your husband. Sorry. I would love to think that it is the other way around, but the fact is, like most other relationships, that the woman handles the details, traditions and problems that crop up within a partnership, marriage or family. You haven't even taken your man to a counsellor to find out what your marriage problems are, and it's far easier to run away in your thoughts and escape, isn't it?
Homework time...
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A
female
reader, Cherriepie +, writes (12 March 2008):
 Well i think this younger guy is just what you need since your sex life with your husband is going nowhere. Have you ever tried the direct approach...just go up to him and tell him you want to fuck him. Most guys do not refuse sex if they are asked directly. As long as you kae it clear that you are not interested in a real relationship or try to get in between his girlfriend and him, he might just take the offer. If he says no, don't worry about it...walk away and look for the next cute guy.
But you should get over this guilt you must feel over being faithful with your husband. If the sex isnt there nobody can blame you for looking for it somewhere else. You can still stay true to your marriage and keep your husband happy, but you have to get your sexual fix somehow...just be careful about how you do it and always practice safe sex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): I have been in exactly your situation. I was completely and totally in love with another man besides my husband, it was totally one-sided on my part. For me, it lasted about 6 years. I never told anyone, barely saw the guy I was infatuated with, but built up quite a vivid fantasy life with him in my mind.
In hindsight, i realize now that I created a persona for this guy that did not match reality. I made him into someone I wanted him to be, not the person he actually was. In doing so, it was a slippery slope. I convinced myself he was the perfect man for me, mostly because I created him in my mind, and I fell deeper and deeper. Poor guy never knew. Fortunate for him, I suppose.
How did I snap out of this? Not proud to say this, but I had an affair with a completely different man...not my husband and not the object of my affections for so long. I was able to refocus my need to be infatuated on this other guy for awhile, and it gave me a much clearer view of who fantasy man actually was. Soon the infatuation with the affair guy dwindled, and at that point so had my love for fantasy man. Now I'm back to my husband (he never knew about any of this), wiser and not crazy in love with anyone else.
That being said, I still dream of fantasy guy occasionally, 10 years later. Guess it's hard to ever really let them completely go.
Probably not the most perfect solution, I know. But that's how it went down for me.
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