A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have strong feelings for a married man. I am also married. I just cannot seem to get him out of my head. I have had these feelings for him for about a year now. He feels the same way. The problem is it is affecting my marriage. I am at the point where I am not paying attention to my husband anymore. I am always thinking about this other man. It has been really tough. My husband strongly suspects that I have feelings for this other guy and has been very jealous and insecure about it. I have admitted to having a crush on the other man because my husband insisted on my telling him the truth and I have since told my husband I no longer have the crush - but I still do. I have not seen a lot of the other man lately but I still think about him. In fact, sometimes I think the absence has made it even worse. I am not sure how happy he is in his own marriage. We both have children. I keep telling myself he couldn't be that happy if he has feelings for me. I know all about the consequences of getting involved when we are both married and I am well aware of the fact it would be morally wrong. I realize all of this in my mind but my heart is telling me something else. I just want to be near him and when I am not, it tears me apart.How do I stay in my marriage and give my husband my undivided attention when I am so enamoured of another man? If it was only a crush, would it not have gone away after a year? It feels like more than that. I love my husband but am not sure if I am in love with him. He is a good man and good father. He treats me well so I have no complaints. But I have lost the physical attraction for him. I know that everybody will tell me to work on my marriage and work on getting the spark back. But I am not sure that after all these years, I can find the spark again. I definitely feel it for the other man.I have avoided the other man because I feel it is the right thing to do even though it hurts me to do this. I think I have hurt his feelings as well. He has ignored me because of my actions. I wish we did not have to play these games and just be up front. But you can't be because you are both married and not available. If we were both single, I have no doubt we would have been together by now. I find that we sometimes give in to our feelings and are near each other and flirt with each other. It just feels so right when he is close to me and we tend to gravitate towards each other without any effort at all. And then when we get too close or afraid of our feelings, one or both of us pull away again. It is really difficult because you have these feelings and have nowhere to go with them.I really could use some advice on what to do. It would be nice to have some resolution in one way or another.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): Infatuation and lust are strong emotions that linger quite a while but in the long term it is not enough to hold a relationship together particularly in hard times....... I am pretty sure that if you lose your husband and your marriage you will quickly realised what yu had and have some pretty bad regrets...It has happened manytimes..So honey, I advise you to revive your marriage and give your marriage a good chance for survival...Start by cutting contact from this other man or if that is not possible limit your contact with him....The lust and infatuation will fade in time...Dont make a mistake you will regret...Your husband is a good man and if you really truly loved him once, you can love him again
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): Male anonymous, maybe she doesn't want to put the effort into her marriage because she has fallen out of love with her husband and in love with someone else.Everybody keeps advising to fix one's marriage but sometimes if one of the people in it aren't happy, is it worth fixing? Just because that is what everybody expects you to do? Because kids are involved? What about one's true individual happiness? Does this have to be sacraficed because they have to stay married? She said she is not physically attracted to her husband and sees him as a room mate. Huge red flags. Is she going to spend the rest of her life with this person feeling this way? Or does she deserve to find someone who truly makes her happy? When someone's heart is not into it, then they are never going to try. How can she keep her marriage together if she does not truly love her husband? Sounds like her husband is a good man, which makes it all the more difficult. But if she doesn't love him anymore, she doesn't love him. Her heart is with another man, not her husband. That's the truth. Sadly, she does need to keep her distance because he is still married. But if they both decided to leave their marriages for each other and find happiness together, is there anything wrong with that?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): "I want the other man and as long as I want him, I will not put the effort into my marriage"
That is a cop out. As long as you don't put the effort into your marriage, your marriage will not be what it could be, and you will think that being with the other man will be better and you will want him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice everyone.
Mrs. Ophelia, I went a whole summer without seeing him or talking to him and when I saw him again, all the feelings came right back, not just for me but for him as well. It has been three months now since I have seen him. But I just saw him the other day and the feelings are back again. I tried to let it go and convince myself I don't care but the reality is I do.
This is a lot harder than people think. It isn't as easy as putting the effort into your marriage. As female anonymous said, I want the other man and as long as I want him, I will not put the effort into my marriage. My husband has been begging me to go away with him, to do things together but I find I am just not interested in doing any of these things. And if I do things with him, all I think about is the other man and how I wish I was spending time with him instead. It is one big awful mess I am in.
I forgot about him once and moved on but he came looking for me and reeled me right back in. I thought I was strong but I just can't control these emotions. It hurts when I see him and it hurts when I don't. I really feel like I am in a no-win situation. A resolution either way would help me get my sanity back. But he just won't leave me alone either.
Believe me, I wish I was not in this situation. It has created such emotional turmoil in my life which I do not need. And I did not mean for this to happen and was not expecting it to happen but it did. I guess deep down I feel like in the end we will somehow be together because if we are both feeling this way, we can't really be happy with our spouses. But maybe this is all just a dream. But I can't let go of the dream. As long as I look into his eyes, I see he cares and this allows me to stay interested in him.
Mrs. Ophelia, you are also right when you say the pull of our feelings throw all rational thoughts and responsibilities out the window. But when you are left with only these feelings and nowhere to go with them, it is the hardest part.
My reality is I have lost interest in my husband. He is Mr. Nice Guy and I am bored with him. There is no passion and there hasn't been for a long time. I fear I am left with a roommate for the rest of my life and what kind of life is that for me to live? Because if this man were to become available tomorrow, I know in my heart that I would leave my husband to be with him.
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A
female
reader, mrs.ophelia  +, writes (18 March 2011):
When you play with fire you will get burned...you are getting burned emotionally. You have allowed another man into your heart, unintentional or not, it happened and now you have to have that same zeal that you have for him and put that to work putting him out of your head. I speak from personal experience, I dated a guy 7 years, married a different guy because the first one wouldn't commit, but emotionally I was still connected to the first one, because I never stopped communicating with him. I'm sure you've heard the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, it is true, when it comes to our feelings and the pull of them our rational thoughts and responsibilities go out the window. Now, you may be bored in your marriage and if so, I challenge you to "fast" from this other guy and try and do some thing fun with your hubby, be it a board game, mini golf, coffee, reading a book together, whatever you both enjoy doing that is fun & light-hearted for you both. See if after 40 days those feelings of yours change.
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (17 March 2011):
 You appear to have a bit of an obsession. It is taking you away from your real life. You are living in a fantasy world, where this other man is the hero. This fantasy is just a symptom of a larger problem. You must get to the hear of the larger problem.
What are you running away from? There could be many answers here. The drudgery of married life, the fact that the romance has died in your marriage, something your husband does that you find difficult to live with, etc.
Only you can figure out what is missing and then set about correcting the problem. To do that you have to take your focus off this married man. Think about why you were first attracted to your husband. What did you have in common? What were the things you liked to do together? Then think about what has changed over the years. How is your marriage different today than it was before you developed this obsession with the married man?
Right now you are giving your most intimate thoughts to someone other than your husband. Adorskable is right. Those feelings belong to your husband. When you do this you are engaging in an emotional affair, and you are deteriorating your marriage.
I know you don't want to act on these feelings. You are fully aware of the damage it could cause everyone, all the way around. You must try to figure out what is missing in your marriage and set about correcting it. If you are unable to do so, seek marriage counseling. You may want to do that anyway, since your husband is aware that there is a problem. I'm sure he'd like to have the old you, and his marriage back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2011): I understand exactly where your coming from. I am in exactly the same position and have been for over a year now.
I know its not as simple as trying to make things work with your husband and putting all efforts in to that, because its not what you want. What you want is the other man and as long as you keep wanting him your not going to want to make things work with your husband. You will constantly give yourself "what ifs". So basically what it comes down to is you either go for it or forget about it with this other guy. or you wait until it fizzles out.
For me just now, well I see this guy every single day. I left the country for 3 months just to clear my head, but when I came back the feelings came back with me. While I was away I wanted him more. But now, Ive told myself no it cant happen. I avoid eye contact, I dont respond to the flirting, but yes the games still go on. If i ignore him, he gets upset and ignores me. Then I get angry at him ignoring me bla bla bla. But if you continue to tell yourself it cant happen the feelings will eventually leave. But while the thought is in the back of your mind that it might just, your feelings will stay. You maybe need to open your eyes. I saw my guy with his family and it shook me up big time and I realised that I cant do this to anyone!
Trust me I know its not as easy as the advice people will give you. But if you dont try you will constantly have inner turmoil and it will destroy you and your family.
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A
female
reader, Adorskable  +, writes (17 March 2011):
 The only thing you can you do is keep your distance. You are married and you are having an emotional affair which could be worst than if you were phsically cheating on your husband. Your husband forgave you for your crush once do you really think he will forgive you again. Think about this you go on with your feelings for him, next thing you know you go phsyical your husband finds out and he leaves you, tells his wife about the two of you, she gets mad confronts her husband, her husband calls you a mistake and leaves you too. Your children will be raised in two different homes, your husband remarries and your alone wondering maybe you made a mistake and want your husband back since he was a real good father and husband.
Why fantasize about a married man instead put all this energy in your marriage. Start cuddling more with your husband, kiss him, flirt with him, bring the passion back into your marriage. Wear your sexy red dress and go out to dinner, come home and drink a glass of wine, listen to soft romantic music in the background. Marriage last because we make it last we just have to be willing to invest a little time and effort.
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