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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I cheated on my wife with a co worker (we made out once). I completely regret and I wish didn't. My wife always has been faithful towards me. She has no I idea what I have done. Should I tell her? The co worker keeps flirting with me and I can't stop flirting back. How can I get her to stop? help I don't want to do this anymore.
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cheated on my wife, co-worker, flirt Reply to this Question
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female
reader, mrsnotsohappy  +, writes (25 February 2009):
you don't want her (the wife) to leave you so than you need to stop trying to be desirable to the rest of the world and try to be more desirable to your wife...
you need to think about how you would feel if she found some guy why gave her a good time in the hay and how bad you would feel to find out she did those things. if you don't want her shopping around than quit visiting supermarkets yourself...
A
female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (11 February 2009):
 It seems Nitram Blue and I have the same advice - only differing opinions on how to achieve it...that is DON"T CHEAT AGAIN.
I can see what he is saying - the potential for 'fall out' if you come clean is definately there - but I fear the potential for worse problems is there if you do not face this 'side' of you NOW.
So - how about a compromise? If you don't feel you can be open about this ONGOING cheating behaviour(Nitram - he is still flirting do you really think telling him to be a good boy from now on is enough?), with your wife - then at the very least seek some professional counselling - give yourself the chance to understand the motivation to flirt - and perhaps resolve the issues for youself.
You are already on the slippery slope - poster, do YOU think it is as simple as pretending the 'make out' never happened and acting 'normal'? Are you comfortable with your continued flirtation with the co-worker? Do you have insight into why you are doing it? I fear not.
This won't just go away.
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A
male
reader, NITRAM BLUE  +, writes (8 February 2009):
 Hmmmm - so NitramBlue, do you really believe that concealing...or deceit is the right idea in this situation?
If the purpose is to save the marriage, conceal it. It is as simple as it gets, then sin no more.
Like you say...what she doesn't know won't hurt her right?
Definitely. Anything that she does not know will not hurt her, it would be peculiar if anything that she does not know will hurt her, isn't it?
There are a lot of articles written about what to do in the event a husband cheats the wife, emphatically they will say reveal it. Very noble and principled - but in the end it will lead to the violent reaction, separation, dissolution of marriage, divorce and alimony. Which will lead you to another seek help website - AskLawyers.Com.
The damage is done, it is time for damage control and it is time to survive.
If the main agenda is to be honest and reveal the whole dirty story to the wife - go ahead - it will be your head in the basket. That is for sure, I will not expect a happy ending.
Conceal the event, and cheat no more.
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle +, writes (25 January 2009):
Hmmmm - so NitramBlue, do you really believe that concealing...or deceit is the right idea in this situation? This means our poster takes no responsibility - therefore has no consequence (I'm not talking divorce..but even a sense of shame is better than nothing)...and therefore has no real reason not to continue the flirting! Like you say...what she doesn't know won't hurt her right?
I really disagree.
Poster - look at some literature on cheating behaviour, most research would warn against concealing this behaviour if you actually hope to remain faithful to your partner. You have to address what is wrong with you that has allowed you to entertain this idea and go as far as you have - if you don't you will only go further.
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A
male
reader, NITRAM BLUE +, writes (19 January 2009):
When you open a can of worms, its your fault. Its like in a movie. The hero said, "Dont open the front door, there is a zombie waiting." But the poor guy turns the knob...
What do we say when we watch the poor guy turning the knob? "Oh...you're gonna get it..."
It is up to you to decide to open the door. Maybe there is no zombie there. Maybe its nothing at all. But of course the hero in the end says "See! I told you so!"
Study your case carefully. Which is prudent and which is safe? Are you going to take a risk?
It is your life. When things are turned upside down, you wont see pashnanoodle or Griffo or cherrie38 around to console you. And they won't write off any dangers and they cant say flatly there will be no divorce or your wife will not be angry.
This is your life we are talking about. The mistake was done, it is water under the bridge and we cant do anything about it. She doesn't know yet and maybe she will never know.
What she doesn't know wont hurt her. Why do you want to tell her? Do you want to hurt her?
I have given you a script, a script so that you can see beforehand what will happen when you tell her. Are you ready to play the part?
Let us be practical and real than idealist.
I would suggest that you exercise the Miranda Law, which is YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, ANYTHING YOU SAY WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN THE COURT OF LAW....
REVEAL = DIVORCE / CONSEAL = SURVIVE
And lastly, please be faithful to your wife and never do that again otherwise you might not be so lucky next time.
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle +, writes (19 January 2009):
You are already headed down the slippery slope into cheating...you still feel regret so that's a good thing and it may not be too late to change things. If you read some literature on affairs and cheating behaviour you will see that if you do not act right now you will have an affair - be it with this co-worker or some other woman it will happen in time. Soon enough your usual moral radar will be worn down, a little flirting never hurt anyone did it? And so what a bout a kiss or two? You'll just do more and more and care les and less, and then you'll be in so deep you won;t know what you feel anymore!
You need to see a counsellor, and in my opinion you also need to confess to your wife. Keeping the make out and the on-going flirting a secret from her is just another form of cheating on her - and allows you to continue to pretend there's nothing wrong with what you're doing.
You need to examine what it is you are getting out of this 'flirting' - my guess is it is nice to feel admired and wanted - and a bit of a thrill. But - that's just not good enough - it's just downright selfish. Perhaps if you invested your energies into your marriage you might be feeling that thrill at home? Your wife may not suspect you're cheating, but I bet she is aware that you are not 'with her' at the moment - which is impacting your relationship and making the issues worse no doubt!
Don't look to solve you problems by creating even more - get some professional help NOW - your wife deserves more and so do you. Many very good people make stupid mistakes and enter into affairs rather than seeking help when they need it most. The damage this causes is unbelievable to everyone involved, including the cheater.
Good luck - I hope you can resolve this soon.
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A
male
reader, NITRAM BLUE +, writes (18 January 2009):
"Do unto others, what you want others do unto you" - oh yes, the golden rule. You cheated, you tell your wife...your wife cheats also, and tells you likewise. Is this from is Mutually Assured Destruction handbook or is it from the teachings of Buddha?
What she doesn't know, will not hurt her.
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (18 January 2009):
 We can script this all day long, and try to figure out a way how for you to be eased off of this there would be many different variables that would come into play at any given time depending on emotions, who she and you are, etc. However, no matter which road you take there is going to be some difficulty. This script is possibly one of the worst ways to tell her. and it has a rather bad outcome, there are hundreds of cases where it works out if you do it carfully. And at the end of the day it does not matter who I am nor where I come from. As I see fit you have two choices and they both unfortunatley lead to a hard outcome.
1) If you tell her, like I said there will be some anger (that hot plate) and you will have to deal with it. This is why I suggested seeing a councellor to be the mediator in this instance, it will help quite a lot. You may lose her you may not.
2) Sweep it under the rug and it will always be there burning in your mind, and as henny.penny said the longer you leave it the harder it will become. There will also likley be times where you want to tell her and because of this secret this it will eventually drag you down. this will grow and likly have a negative effect in the long run.
Its common sence to tell her. See a councellor and get some advice and then bring her to a session. Either way she has the right to know, you made a promise to her and a commitment. I wouldnt want to have children untill i get it completley off of my chest - she will fell even worse of she ever find out after children!!! Again if that other girl was your wife how would you feel? Seeing a councellor also says you are trying to repair what happened.
See a councellor, then when your ready bring her along and tell her. Or; Get the councellors advice and work with him/her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2009): Put the shoe on the foot, would you want to know when your wife was being unfaithful? It'd be unfair to deny her that right of knowing.
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A
female
reader, pastfirst +, writes (18 January 2009):
 I don't see any point in telling her.
You obviously regret what you've done and have learnt a lesson.
We're all entitled to make a mistake from time to time. Hopefully we learn from these mistakes.
Keep this episode to yourself and make an effort to show your wife how much you care for her.
It could even improve your marriage.
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A
male
reader, NITRAM BLUE +, writes (18 January 2009):
Before you make a decision to tell or sweep the whole thing under the rug, let us make a drama script on what dialogues to expect should “The Honesty is the Best Policy” scene looks like.
You Honey, I am home!
Your wife Thank God, dinner is ready. I’ve been at the grocery store and the laundry all afternoon. Wait, I will set the table.
(eating dinner)
You Honey, I have something to tell you…don’t be surprised…it might come shocking to you…. Honey, I….
Your wife Oh God! You have been promoted???
You Well…not that…..
Your wife (Excitedly) You were given a raise???
You Well…not exactly….
Your wife (Puzzled) Then what???
You Well, I have been thinking of this a long time and I am convinced about what ‘Griffo’ said. He made a lot of sense that he highly disagree with sweeping it under the rug it will bite me in the butt one day and that a co-worker will blackmail if she wants to - so I have to be very careful. Anyway you might find out in 5 or 6 years later and be even more pissed! It is just a matter of time. So I have to tell you right now, while the oven is hot….
Your wife Tell me what??? Who is Griffo??? What will you sweep under the rug??? What is the name of your co-worker who will blackmail you??? What will I be pissed about???
You Honey, I cheated on you? I had sex with a co-worker.
Your wife (Sobbing) What did I do to deserve this? Tell me what did I do to deserve this?
You I am sorry…
Your wife (Screaming) You lying s** of a b**** you! After all these years, you have cheated on me! It is better for me not to have known you. You p**! You a** h***! Get out of my house! Get out!
(your wife shoves you out of the house and slams the door)
(you tried knocking so you could explain)
Your wife (Screaming) Go to your other woman! I don’t want to see your face anymore! Go away, I am calling the cops!
(your wife runs to your bedroom to collect your clothes and throws them out the window)
Your wife You will hear from my lawyer you cheating b******! Better run fast. The cops are coming!
(You pick up your clothes and move away from the house to sleep in a small motel room, wondering “I should have kept my mouth shut!” “It is a good thing, I have cash on my pockets, and otherwise I will be sleeping in the outback, that’s for sure.”
Is “Honesty the Best Policy”? Not always. Let us learn from the past so we will know our place in the future. The notable American Presidents had “other women in the past” which their First Ladies found out much later on. John F Kennedy had Marilyn Monroe (and other women), first lady was Jacquelyn Kennedy…Bill Clinton had a sort of one night stand with Monica Lewinski, first lady was Hillary Clinton…these men, these presidents never did tell their wives that they cheated. They were caught alright and exposed, but they NEVER DID TELL their wives about it. Did these First Ladies divorce their husbands? – NO.
Hell has no fury like a woman scorned. It is not possible and unnatural for a woman to react passively when she was cheated. It would be a comedy and it would be strange. It will be a drama or worst a thriller. Let us see another script:
You Honey, I am home!
Your wife Thank God, dinner is ready. I’ve been at the grocery store and the laundry all afternoon. Wait, I will set the table.
(eating dinner)
You Honey, I have something to tell you…don’t be surprised…it might come shocking to you…. Honey, I….
Your wife Oh God! You have been promoted???
You Well…not that…..
Your wife (Excitedly) You were given a raise???
You Well…not exactly….
Your wife (Puzzled) Then what???
You Well, I have been thinking of this a long time and I am convinced about what ‘Griffo’ said. He made a lot of sense that he highly disagree with sweeping it under the rug it will bite me in the butt one day and that a co-worker will blackmail if she wants to - so I have to be very careful. Anyway you might find out in 5 or 6 years later and be even more pissed! It is just a matter of time. So I have to tell you right now, while the oven is hot….
Your wife Tell me what??? Who is Griffo??? What will you sweep under the rug??? What is the name of your co-worker who will blackmail you??? What will I be pissed about???
You Honey, I cheated on you? I had sex with a co-worker.
Your wife (Stares at you) Oh…
You I am sorry…
Your wife (Stares at you) Ok honey, I know you made a mistake. I understand. Please don’t do that again…
(both of you finished dinner and its time to sleep)
After a week….
(Same routine, except your wife left for Perth far away from where you are right now and you knew before hand that you will be alone in the house that day. You checked the answering machine; it’s your wife who called “Just arrived at Perth, I will back in 3 days. Love ya.”)
Its bedtime, you tucked yourself in bed and went in a deep sleep
Unknown to you, a masked man enters the house with a spare key. He went upstairs to your bedroom and smothers you with chloroform then you are knocked out. Stabs you in the chest and died. The man hurriedly ransacks your money, watch and jewelry. Runs to the exit and destroys the knob to make it appear a forcible entry and a robbery homicide.
After three days, your wife returns. Horrified calls the police. The police are left with no evidence. You are buried. The police are clueless that your wife planned the whole thing. She has a perfect alibi; she went to Perth, called from Perth and has the tickets to prove it.
The murder becomes a cold case with no leads to follow
Hell has no fury like a woman scorned. Alrighty then, TELL or NOT TO TELL – that is the question. If you TELL, at least I have prepared for you a script. Your wife doesn’t need a copy, but either one will do – it would be either a heart breaking drama or a crime thriller. But in the end, no movie or TV producer will pick on my script because there are no twist and plain simple.
The decision is yours.
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A
male
reader, cherie38  +, writes (18 January 2009):
grow up you did wrong! you have two choices here! either tell your wife and risk losing her or forget the affair ever happened stop flirting with the co worker and get on with your marriage! x
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (18 January 2009):
I think you should tell her. The below poster is totally right in part but you need to learn so you'll never do it again. Its like when your a kid and you touch the hot plate - You touch it once, but you'll never touch it again! Telling her is the hot plate.
However, I highly disagree with sweeping it under the rag it will bite you in the butt one day and that co-worker has you in blackmail if she wants to - so be very careful if you do. She might find out in 5 or 6 years later and be even more pissed! Its just a matter of time.
Maybe go to a counsellor with her and let it out in front of a third party most of the time this makes it a little less painful on the other person. Make sure you have one private session before you both go to clear things up.
Finally after you have told her id let the co-worker know that you have spoken to your wife about it she'll never do it again. And anyway if she's doing it to you imagine if you married her and that was your wife!!!
Tell your wife.
Good luck mate!
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A
female
reader, henny.penny +, writes (18 January 2009):
 If you really care about you wife and you have a strong relationship, the best thing to do is just to be honisted and she'll respect you for that, if you keep it a secret for a long time it will just become harder to face up to. but at the same time you need to respect your wife's feelings and understand how hurt she feels. if your both madly in love with each other, you'll be able to get over what has happened in time,but i think it would be best to stop flirting with your co-worker as you don't want it to go any further.
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A
male
reader, NITRAM BLUE +, writes (18 January 2009):
Should I tell her?
Hell has no fury like a woman scorned. If you are going to tell her, then prepare for a horror not found even in hell. There will be a divorce, probably.
I suggest you sweep this under the rag, for your sake.
The co worker keeps flirting with me and I can't stop flirting back. How can I get her to stop?
Why not tell her to stop? If she won't tell her, it was a night that will never be repeated because you realized that you are a married man. Tell her, that the Australian law punishes concubinage and both of us will get into some deep trouble.
For as long as your wife does not know this woman, and the other woman does not know your home number then you are safe for now. If you have a home number, have the phone company change it. The sooner the better.
My advice: Never f*** around the work place. It will not be comforable for you or your co-worker.
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