A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:HiI have been with the same (only) woman for nearly 30 years - she is older than me and has children from her first marriage. I love her very dearly, but aargh! I'm experiencing a real sense of restlessness - looking at other women, wanting to have children, wanting to be more independent. Of course this is distressful for her, and we have a lot of arguments which only escalates the tension and verbal aggression. It's like I'm split in half - half of me wants to stay and would be distraught if I lost her, the other half wants to be reckless and strike out in a new direction. Guess it's the classic Odysseus theme - wanting to explore new worlds yet wanting to have a loving wife waiting at home when I've come back! I'm finding it difficult to feel desire for her - I think she's very pretty and that she's a wonderful woman in all sorts of ways- and always thought we'd be together forever - but she's put on weight and maybe (psychologically) the age difference and wanting a child issues are kicking in unconsciously? Sometimes I wish she'd say to me 'Hey, you've given me 30 fabulous years, I know you're restless and want children, so I'm going to show how much I love you and let you go, I'll always be your friend' - then sometimes I feel I should set HER free ('look I know I'm not giving you what you need, I love you as a person and admire you but can't seem to stop these other feelings') so she could find someone who would give her the commitment I'm struggling with. I'm very confused.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): I am very interested in your situation as it resembles mine to some extent, however, I am in the situation of your wife and wondering what to do with my man!
One thing which really is important, a road my husband did not take unfortunately!, is you MUST be honest with your wife that you are feeling like you might be missing out on something in life. You at a major decision process with what you should be doing with these feelings of yours and whilst this stage in someones life is not probably that unusual, what and how you handle it is critical. My husband had an affair. I have only discovered after all the damage caused that he was probably going through a midlife crisis - wish I knew!. Be honest about how you are feeling with your wife, she may even test your committment to her about children and a possible new future for you. But whilst you are thinking about what you might be missing, think about what you have already got which is precious and to be cheerished - then decide also if it would be worth loosing for something which at this point is non exisitent.
I don't know the process of 'recovery' from mid life crisis. Perhaps others can advise if it is only a fleeting faze people, usually men go through and then they 'grow-up' and get on with making the best of what we already have.
If you put some energy into thinking about how you can be better to your relationship, perhaps things might be a little more exciting and the feelings about what else in life your not getting will all float away.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008): Thanks everyone for your words of wisdom. I KNOW I'm being selfish, I KNOW it's my ego (as someone said 'people going through a midlife crisis ARE selfish'!). I have someone who loves me deeply, and know I would be a fool to throw it away just because I can't have everything I want. Yet sometimes I think men have a self-destructive reckless instinct that compells them to just throw the dice and face the consequences? Things haven't been easy for a long time (arguments, bickering etc - and I'm sure my issues have contributed to this), and I feel I just need a 'breather' or space to think. It's a toughie sometimes - trying to balance each other's needs. I guess communication and mutual understanding is the key.
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A
female
reader, Artistry  +, writes (22 January 2008):
 Stop a moment, do you really believe that the grass is greener on the other side. How has it been going for most of the thirty years you both have been together? Sounds like pretty well, until recently. So now you have the heebee jeebies and want to go exploring. Pull it in, find someway to re-energize the relationship. Treat her with surprises, I am sure she will reciprocate, she has probably spoiled you anyway, because you are younger than she is, the current breed of women want you to spoil them. So me thinks you better think about what you really want.
Have you ever been with a baby who wakes up and cries for most of the night, and the wife pretends she is sleeping so, you have to rock the baby back to sleep, change dirty diapers, that sounds real great, and you need patience with children, and as we get older we all lose a lot of it.
Also with the wife loving her newborn so much, I understand that husbands get jealous and feel neglected.
You know what you have, think about what you think you want, life is not always what we think it might be under different circumstaces. Good luck with your choices.
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A
female
reader, Devilish Angel +, writes (22 January 2008):
 It sounds like what I feel even though I'm with my boyfriend. Yes, you want to have kids and be wild but you have to think. Do you want the near pleasures or do you want the real deal? 30 years is a long time to waste because you want to get out and populate the world with little yous.
She loves you and you're really hurting her when you act like this. Think of the kids. In thirty years, they have probably grown into the idea of you as their father figure. What would this do to them? Their father figure walking out on their mom because she was too old?
However, if you just cannot be happy with her, you're only making her miserable too. If you feel in your heart that it's not gonna work out then just tell her. Its better for there to be honesty between you guys than for their to be a facade that will break sooner or later.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (22 January 2008):
 Marriages are supposed to be for life but after 30 years, some couples find that they are like strangers to each other .There is no more spark and the bond that binds them have become loose.
What is there in their marriage? Do they stick around in a loveless marriage and be unhappy or do they separate and seek their own happiness?Which is better?
It is a dilemma, to leave and seek our destiny or to stay ?What do you want in your life and your aspirations which are unfulfilled. Only you can answer that .
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (22 January 2008):
 sound to me from your repeated statements that children is the issue
*her looks aren't a problem except that they remind you of her infertility
*you look at other women but only in sofar as they are your ticket to a living legacy
*you want "independence" but really the word you are looking for is "family"
have you discussed surrogacy? i think from this that if you don't have a child you will most certainly end up resenting her as your desire to father is strong enough to break this relationship. if you cannot reach a compromise on this issue you have your solution.
(for examples from pop culture look at brad pitt or monica in friends-the force is strong that compels our replication)
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A
female
reader, speedcat +, writes (22 January 2008):
wow thats a tough one! How much older is she? You want to have children now? Were you aware when you met her that she did not want to bear children with you? I believe people change and sometimes grow apart, unfortanatly. But on the other hand, it wouldnt be fair to your wife who has stuck by your side all these years, to have to wait around for you to "go sew your oats" if you trully wanna leave your wife then be prepared for her not to be waiting around if you decide youve made a mistake, this would be unfair to her. Does she show you affection anymore ? Or is it like living with a roomate? im here if you need to talk.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008): I am too in an age gap marriage. I am 25, my husband is 47. We have been married 3 years. And although men age more gracefully than women I do have something to say on the subject.
I say mid life crisis (and before you ask no my husband did not leave an older wife for me, he was divorced from the psycho 8 years already when we met.)
Older people do not have the same TYPE of relationships that younger people do. YES I LONG for endless nights of "hankypanky" which don't HAPPEN at his age really. However, my LOVE for WHO he is is greater than this momentary temptation.
Okay I've only been married 3 years and you may say "see me in 30"...however, let's think less about YOU and more about what is RIGHT.
IF you wanted children so badly and your wife was older why didn't you suggest 20 years ago to adopt? 10 years ago?
Trying to shock you out of making the biggest mistake of your life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008): If you truly want children, then I suggest you leave. If, on the other hand, you simply want to chase women, remember to be careful for what you wish for. Presumably you have something in common to be together 30 years. If all you want is a younger, prettier female companion, well it is ok to dream and fantasize, but be careful and don't blow your entire life over a fantasy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008): You're wanting other women, to have children AND be more independent? You think another woman who has a child with you is going to let you be more independent? You think having children will allow you to be more independent? You don't know what you want.
Perhaps it is more about what you don't want - growing old. Who does? You say your current has gained weight. Have you not changed in 30 years? Are you still as desirable as you were 30 years ago? Have you talked to her about this? Have you talked about all this with your current? Did she tell you she was unhappy and unfulfilled?
You sound as if you believe you can just wave goodbye and trot off with no price to pay. There is always a price to pay in these situations. Are you willing to give up one-half of everything you and your current have accumulated? You better be even if you are not married.
I think you are in need of change, but you need to be real certain what it is you are really wanting or not wanting.
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A
male
reader, dapone 1 +, writes (21 January 2008):
 Hi
It seems to me that you are being very selfish,you have spent 30 years with some one who must really love you and now on some sort of silly whim you want to destroy your long term relationship,have you really thought this through, all the hurt and upset you will cause for your family,i think you need a reality check.
What happens if you do go a head with what you are planning and it all goes pear shaped, do you think your wife will be waiting for you with open arms, do not think so.
You should be happy with the relationship you have and not suddenly want to cause all the pain and hurt that your wife will suffer, if you leave her.
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A
male
reader, Moviefan +, writes (21 January 2008):
 I would try to get her to understand how much it matters to u to have kids, and try to get her to just have one at least. And if she doesnt maybe you should deeply consider if you should let her go. Its your values and ideas on where your going in the future clashing. So it may not hurt to talk to her about this matter and where you can both make exceptions to allow you both to get what you want out of the relationship. And if this doesnt work you should let her go. You may still have feelings for her, and its ok for you to be friends, even once you are dating someone else.
This reminds me of a friends situation, she dated someone i know and they were together for 3 years and they were always really happy together but last year he started to really want sex and she wanted to wait until they were married or until right before. And she got him to listen for a while and he started up again and he was persistant and wouldnt listen. Well they broke up after this tension formed and now she is dating another guy who has very similar values and they both liked each other while she was with her ex. And now because of there being little or no value diffrences things are working better then before. She has had moments when she wanted to still be with her ex but her love for the other kept it from meaning anything important.
So you should espect to still feel for her and still love her if you leave her but if you find someone who really loves you and you feel the same and has the same views on the future things will work out better for you.
Good Luck
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