A
male
age
,
*ad Mac
writes:I stumbled across this site through Google, and basically just need someone to listen.11 years ago, my wife and I got married (second time for me, first for her). At that time, she was a little overweight, but sexy with it. Fast forward to 2009: three months ago, she was in hospital for a knee replacement and I found out what she now weighs. 274 lbs. She dresses horribly, I can't remember the last time she wore a skirt or dress. I would guess we've had sex six times in the past five years. The fact that I have no interest in her is, of course, my fault. She has been seeing an endocrinologist for several years - I don't know what this is accomplishing other than selling her a load of junk. I think the woman is a fraud, but any attempt to broach this subject is me being "unsupportive". She also sees a counsellor - she won't tell me why, only that it's about "old stuff". While she was stuck in bed following the knee replacement, she wanted him to come to the house for their session. I made it clear that if he appeared, he wouldn't be getting in. Between these two crooks, about $600 goes out the door each month.Now, let's turn to her family. Mother and father - both in their 70s, lovely people. Sister - I'll come to her in a little bit. Brother - waste of skin. Couple of years ago, he got married to a woman he'd known from high school. He gave up a good, well paying job where he was, frankly, "punching above his weight". He will never got another job that good in his life. The woman cleaned him out. He's back living with his parents, hasn't worked in two years. My wife and I (plus her sister) financially support her parents to some degree. He hasn't contributed a penny. Effectively, I work to support him.Let's look at her sister now. Professional woman, doing very well. I trusted her and respected her. A couple of months ago, there started to be phone conversations between my wife and her sister behind closed doors. She finally told me what these were about. They were cooking up some scheme to take over the mortgage on their parents' home. I feel as I have been effectively been plotted against.I am now asking myself if anything can be salvaged from this mess, or do I resign myself to living the final third or so of my life in this abject misery? Alternatively, do I get out now? Suggestions and comments welcomed. Thanks for reading.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (9 April 2010):
 Betty said everything that I wanted to.
You tried nice clothes before, please try them again.. one last push, if you love her, then please try again....
You asked her for her medications and details of her condition. Well ask again, and back it up with action, phone her doctors and get them to tell her and then write it down... Ask her to give you permission to talk to them, then they'll be able break confidentiality.. tell them that your very worried and you might be on the point of leaving....
I know your tired and fed up, I can hear it in your writing. But your not gone yet, your still here, writing to dear cupid, somewhere inside you've got one last effort to try to see if you and her can fix things.
The brothers a jackass... work with her, find ways to give the old folks money that he can't get to... I know it's hard, but one less irritation will give you strength to see that you and her can work together and get things done..
Please, please, please.. go and talk to her, tell her how you feel...
I got sick, my guy left, I wish I had listened, but I also wished he'd have given me another chance to try and fix things. I'm thinking of her, and asking you to do everything you can before you even think about walking out that door.
Talk to her...
A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (9 April 2010):
 You need to talk to her. REally spell out in no uncertain terms how you feel and where you stand with things as they are. She doesn't, to me, sound like a happy woman and is coping by over-eating, seeing health professionals and dressing low key, to avoid drawing attention to her figure, which she isn't happy with...
I can understand you're in a difficult situation... You love this woman, you married her and you wanted it, and still want it to last. But people change. Your wife has changed. She is not the woman you married. This is inevitable. People will change. Unfortunatly your wife has changed into someone you don't recognise and find hard to love, find attractive and feel affection for. This is because she doesn't love and care for herself much. Its hard to fancy someone when they dont take care of themself and their appearence.
This is no one's fault, this is just something that's happened. Your wife is not in the right place to understand or crae about this. She needs to wake up and realise what is happening to her marriage and she needs to understand her part in this.
It would be a shame for it to take you, walking out, for her to see this. So sit her down, and as kindly as you can, tell her how you feel. Tell her what you've said here. That you love her, you want to be with her, this is why you married her, complement her. Then tell her how unhappy you are and the reasons why. Then tell her you'd be devistated if this were to come between you, as you do want it to work but you're so unhappy. Perhaps before you say all of this, ask her how she honestly feels about her life and about your relationship. Give her a chance to open up to you.
I'm sure you will have tried to talk to her, many times perhaps. But you need to really make clear your feelings. Otherwise she will not realise how close she is to losing you. If she is a woman worth her salt, once she sees this she will do everything she can to make it work.
If on the other hand this doesnt work n she doesn't change. Then you have your answer. It's your choice how long you stay with someone who isn't making you happy. You made the vows. But its down to your own personal morals and beliefs what this truely means. As far as we know, we do only live once.
Good luck :)
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A
male
reader, Mad Mac +, writes (9 April 2010):
Mad Mac is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBetty - I still believe it can work. I still want it to work. But you're right, you only live once.
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A
male
reader, Mad Mac +, writes (9 April 2010):
Mad Mac is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLaura - Yes, I do. I love my wife dearly, but not at the expense of my own well-being.
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A
male
reader, Mad Mac +, writes (9 April 2010):
Mad Mac is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDoctor - I'd love it to change. I have no grounds for believing it can. As previously mentioned, any questioning of the endocrinologist or counsellor is "unsupportive".
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A
male
reader, Mad Mac +, writes (9 April 2010):
Mad Mac is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMyrrh - "self indulgent, selfish and needy". I don't think she is consciously that way, but that's exactly where we are.
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A
male
reader, Mad Mac +, writes (9 April 2010):
Mad Mac is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all who have responded with many constructive suggestions.
Miamine - the clothes thing, been there and done that. A couple of years ago, I suggested she get herself some nice outfits. She's the VP of a small company, and she ordered up some nice suits. She tried them on and looked GREAT in them. A few weeks later, I'd never seen her wearing any of them. On asking, I found out she'd sent them all back. The reason? "The quality just wasn't there".
Sex - I have no desire or physical attraction to her. To put it bluntly, it's rather off-putting when in order to perform oral sex on your wife, she has to hold her gut out of the way. There's no variety available in terms of positions/techniques. I never thought I would see a day when I was actually bored with sex.
Health - You make a very valid point. She has been seeing this "doctor" for years. I would have expected to see some signs of progress with whatever it is by now. I don't know what medications she's on - I've asked her to put together a list on several occasions for the very reason you brought up, but she hasn't done it.
Family - I have no issue with assisting her parents. I have a serious problem with sharing a disproportionate share of the burden. Incidentally, we used to get a cheque from the sister every month to cover half of what was going out. This has become somewhat irregular lately.
There is no point in talking to the brother. He is in a comfort zone. He has a roof over his head and food in his belly and doesn't have to do anything for it. About a year ago, we got hit with a huge cellphone bill. Turned out he had been texting his estranged wife on the cellphone we got for his father to use in an emergency. I've yet to hear a word of apology or see a penny of repayment. Additionally, he has a 13 year old daughter from his first marriage for whom he hasn't, as far as I know, paid a penny in child support in the past two years.
A couple of months ago, my wife's sister was visiting and I told both her and my wife that I had better not find out that the reason we were supporting her parents was because they were paying his child support. They told me that's not the case. I'm inclined to believe them at the moment.
I can't see a way of recovering this situation. Thanks again for your input.
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A
male
reader, Brunel  +, writes (8 April 2010):
I think it is time to get out. You do seem to be low on the list for consultation. That is a lot of money going out for nothing?Cut and run? Better still start going out and meeting females and then go when you are good and ready?
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 April 2010):
Oh yea.. the dress.. it's because she's fat and feels ugly... now you know her weight, go and buy her some nice dresses in the right size, and tell her your tired of looking like she dosen't care what she looks like. Remind her she's a woman, and no matter what weight she is, a nice dress, some makeup and some perfume, will make her feel better than walking arround like a slob.
Please say with this with some charm, women are sensetive, use the same nice words you used when you asked her to marry you. :)
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 April 2010):
PS: Even if you can't have penetrative sex, I do hope that she is taking care of you. She is your wife, she may not have no desire, but your a man and you need some sex relief. Please come to some negotiation about sex within a marriage, this may mean oral sex, masturbation, or just some hugging and kissing. Anything, but she must give something back to you, so you know you are still loved and adored and you don't feel so downhearted and rejected.
I swear by massage. She's not too sick to give you a body message with hot oil. back, hands, feet and dick at least once a week to help you deal with the stress of being married and alone.
Go talk to your wife, she's not your enemy, she's supposed to be your other half.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 April 2010):
Two complete different issues.. one is about money the other is about attraction and sex... lets not tie them together it makes things too complicated.
Sex and attraction first... What's wrong with her, if she's going to see doctors then something must be wrong. Your her husband, you should have at least a little understanding about what is going on with her physically and mentally.
I had to look up the word "endocrinologist" because I'm stupid like that... very interesting what came back... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Endocrine_diseases
They tend to deal with hormone imbalances, these range from Diabetes, to loss of periods, gender confusion, undeveloped sexual organ and thyroids (which makes you get to fat or thin). In Britian, seeing an endocrinologist is a very big thing, it means that you have a very rare problem, an abnormality and need to be seen in a hospital, probably for the rest of your life. The fact that she is also seeing a counsellor too, (for old stuff) makes me believe that she might be sicker than she is telling you. The doctors she sees point out that she's definately got some sex problem going on and she's trying to solve it all alone.
How come you don't know all this. She's your wife, she could be very sick. You need to sit her down and find out what the (sorry) fuck is going on. If you feel they are stealing your money, then demand she get a second opinion, with a doctor who is reputable. Further more, you need to demand that she talk to you more. What kind of husband dosen't know what sickness his wife has, and just leaves it at that. Tell her you are worried about her, the weight gain, the lack of sex, these doctors that deal with mental problems and very serious hormal problems. She can't have sex right now, but I don't know why, so you must go and find out.
Finance and Family
The brother is a man, you find the bills hard, can you go and talk to him, give him some encouragement to go and try find some help. Tell him your finding it hard, supporting him and the parents. Shame him into going to get a job. I have a feeling he could do with some help, he's probably feeling like crap and dosen't know which way to turn. No adult likes living off their mum and dad. A word from a fellow man might help him get off his backside.
Your wife is not plotting against you, she's just worried about her parents. They brought her up, they spent money on her, now they are old, she wants to do everything she can to make sure they are cared for.
You didn't say if your wife was working. She can't spend your money without your agreement. Even if she works, she should be helping you to contribute to the bills. She and her sister were just talking, how's she gonna get the money to get you to help pay for a mortgage... just say no, if she comes to you. Forewarned is forearmed I say. They were just talking and suggesting, it dosen't mean they were trying to backstab you.
You and your wife need to have a long, long talk... not a shouting match, not getting angry, but a long talk about what is hurting, and the secrets she is carrying arround. You feel frustrated, you feel like an old horse, forced to go out in the fields every day, and when you come home, you don't get no fun, you don't get no hay... just work, work, and not even a little sex to help you keep running, just more work to pay for brothers, parents and other people that you did not marry.
Find out what's wrong with her health, and why she can't have sex (or can't work) Get a doctors opinion if your not happy, and tell her from now on, your involved in her medical care, just like she should be involved in yours. Your both not young people, what happens if she has a stroke, or a medical emergency, you would be useless, you can't tell the doctors what pills she has, what conditions and what she sees the doctor for. This is very dangerous as far as I'm concerned.
Next go and see the brother, try and be a friend, and get his ass back to work.
Hope these things will help take some of the stress of you, and instead of working apart, you and your wife can at last start working together.
PS: Can't suggest anything about the weight gain at the moment, untill you can find out if she has a dysfunctional thyroid gland, which forces her to put on a lot of weight. More information is needed, your the husband, we can't really deal with your problem untill you get some details about her current state of health.
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A
female
reader, Myrrh +, writes (8 April 2010):
 I dont think anyone should resign themselves to living the rest of their lives in abject misery. That sounds too depressing for words. If you are unhappy with your wife, then tell her so and see if the marriage can be salvaged. I dont know the ins and outs of everything but she sounds self indulgent, selfish and needy. And her family are an emotional and financial drian on you both. I would be inclined to leave in a controlled manner...after a little private planning!...and start over. All the best.
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A
male
reader, Dr. Reality Check +, writes (8 April 2010):
 The truth is you're unhappy, and from the sounds of it not enough will ever change to make you the happy person you once were and want to be again. I would have a serious talk with your wife and see what it is you both want from the rest of your lives. It seems like communication is a big problem in your marriage, especially with her no disclosing her "old stuff". I'd want anyone I was with to lay their cards on the table warts and all. Only then can you make a truly informed decision. Good luck, mate.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (8 April 2010):
 Do you still find in your heart, the love for your wife ?
If there is no more love for her, it would be better that you let her go .
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (8 April 2010):
Hmm ask yourself, if things changed could this work? What would need to change for it to work? You cn't turn back time. But if you do love this woman you can move forward. You chose to marry this woman, so you must have felt at some point that you could be with her for the rest of your life. Can you remember how that felt? Can you still see that in your wife? If you don't maybe it's best to leave. You say do you resign yourself to abject misery, is that how this relationship makes you feel?
If the weight is an issue, could you go on a healthy eating plan with your wife or take up some form of exercise together?
If the issue is that she makes financial decisions behind your back, tell her that this is unacceptable to you. You are in a marriage, you have to make these decisions together. You're in a partnership, these things affect both of you. Remind her of your vows.
Is your wife a reasonable woman, do you think she can understand where you're coming from? Is she isn't prepaired to see how her behaviour isn't fair to you.
Ultimatly you can't make her change. You don't have to stay if you are truely unhappy. You only life once.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2010): It is really sad that you cgot caught in a mess. I would pack my bags and run from this disfunctional family.
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