A
male
age
51-59,
*atman
writes:I've been married for 7 years, and have two beautiful children who mean the absolute world to me.Since our first child was born, our relationship seemed to go from husband and wife to father and mother, with the entire emphasis of our relationship being on the children.Since our first child was born, any form of intimacy, including sex started to become very infrequent. Any time I made an advance, I was quickly given a reason why it wouldn't happen. The ONLY time in the past 5 years she has initiated sex was about 9 months before our second child was born.5 years since then, I am certain I would have a few digits left over if I were to count on both hands the number of times we have had sex. Within that time, there have been at least two gaps in excess of 12 months without any physical contact.It's not just the sex that I am after in the marriage. I'd love nothing more than to have her approach me to kiss me, hold my hand or even shoot a loving glance or gesture my way. It simply doesn't happen, and I can't face a life without that intimacy. I've pretty much convinced myself that I can live without that intimacy for the sake of the children. As the years pass though, I know there is something missing that I simply can't live without for the rest of my life (the feeling of being loved). I have also since realsied that my children will one day mimic this behavior, and it's not the type of relationship I want for them when they get married.I have tried in the past to discuss the issues with her, only to be forgotten within a few days. We don't share a bed, as she sleeps on the lounge or with our eldest child. I believe that she is getting all the emotional connection she needs from our children, and has no interest in me other than that af providing the usual fatherly duties towards our kids.I desparatley want to turn this around, otherwise I won't have a choice other than divorce down the track.Your advice is greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): I think ye both need to seek counselling....Try dating your wife again and see if any romance can be revived...It is a shame how many women neglect their husbands after having kids,,,sorry girls kids are not an excuse..These men end up feeling unloved and used....The worst bit is when the marriage braeks down the wife will cry foul with a line like ' we had a perfect marriage now he wants to leave or worse my husband is having an affair'.......@ AAora pls read poster article properly he wants more than sex...He did mention he would like to held, giving a kiss or a loving glance and seems not to be getting it...
Men are not just sperm donors and we should not treat them as such,,they need love too
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (16 March 2011):
 You're not alone.
Check out this website:
http://trinaread.com/
and in particular the tab "Have Sex After Kids".
Trina Read is a sex therapist here, who realized after having kids that her own husband was very unhappy with their sex lives. The irony of that led her to do a lot of work in the area. You may find some helpful direction from her blogs, articles, etc.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, aAoa  +, writes (16 March 2011):
that is very sad.. i think you need to tell your wife this.. how you are feeling.. just give her time.. be affectionate to her.. don't wait for her .. you initiate the romance.. take her out for a dinner.. go somewhere for a vacation just you and your wife.. but first tell her you miss her.. and you feel ignored..
i think what you don't get is that.. maybe she wants to be loved too.. and you're just thinking about sex .. thats not love.. its just sex..
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A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (16 March 2011):
 First off, it's good to see you so devoted to your kids. Keep that close to your heart.
Now, your wife is wrong in denying you sex. Exclusivity requires availability. And as you said, she is getting all her emotional needs met through your kids. Not sure if she's even feeling physical needs right now, but there's a few steps you need to take.
First, take her to a doctor to see if there is something wrong that may be killing her sex drive. Don't take no for an answer here. Be a concerned husband, a healthy man lecturing a self-neglecting woman, deliver an ultimatum - use your knoweldge of your wife to decide which would be most effective. Get her to a doctor and rule out any medical reason for her lack of sex drive.
If there is a medical reason, take whatever steps the doctor recommends.
If there is no medical reason, than that means you are failing to attract her. Not placing the blame on you - just saying that, since it's you writing in, I can only tell *you* how to change, in the hopes that your modified behavior can make her want to change.
The thing is, everything you do as a dad is wonderful and important and everything - but it won't turn her on. She needs to be attracted to you, too. Fortunately, if you're patient, you can probably make that happen.
First, think back to when you started dating her. Back when you had a satisfactory sex life, before you had a kid, before you married her, before you proposed - I don't know your specific details, but just to the point when things were at their best. How did you act? What did you do with yourself? With her? Something you did back then attracted her to you. Your behavior originally made her want you. Maybe you were more confident, ambitious, or outgoing back then. Whatever it is, figure it out and start acting that way again. You can do it in an age-arppropriate way (for instance, if you were ambitious then, start climbing the corporate ladder now), so long as you do it.
Go to the gym, start a diet, and generally take positive actions toward being a more attractive, dynamic person. Tease her. Say and do things you want to do, whether she approves or not.
Second, stop putting up with her nonsense. For one thing, you oldest is five, six now? Tell her the oldest needs to start sleeping alone. It's long past time, in fact. It's unhealthy for her to be doing that. Don't make it an argument yet, or let her do so - you tell her to stop that, calmly allow her to respond, and if she disagrees, you tell her that it's for the kid. She may accuse you of trying to maneuver her back into your bedroom - don't even acknowledge if she says that. Simply repeat that it's not healthy for her to be with the kid, and if she can't come up with a convincing argument for why it's better for the kid, it has to stop immediately. Then, don't let her convince you.
If she moves into the lounge, that's progress, at least. Baby steps.
Obviously there will be other nonsense. Learn to identify when she is not being rational, and respond by refusing to engage. Don't be afraid to turn all your attention completely away from her if she is doing something wrong - conversely, when she does something right, reward her with positive attention about half the time, and ignore it the other half. What matters is that you take charge. Don't even argue with her, and keep discussions short and to the point. If she wants to be rational, or wants to live up to her commitments to you, treat her like an equal; if not, treat her like a child.
Normally by this point, I'd recommend taking a vacation together and trying to bond positively, then using that momentum to restart things at home. However, if she's not even sharing a bed, this calls for the nuclear option. If you're not comfortable with benevolent manipulation, you can try the vacation, but I don't think it'll be enough.
Third, now that you're taking positive action to make yourself more attractive and action to reward or penalize her behavior, you need to create the fear of loss. Women love a guy who might walk away anytime - this is part of why marriage is a passion-killer. You didn't lock her down, she locked you down. So be subtle about it - stop at a bookstore or sandwich shop on the way home from work, just so you're gone an extra half-hour. If she calls you at work, flip a coin - on heads, don't answer or return the call. Short, unannounced loss of contact at random intervals. Be creative, be devious - make her chase you.
With time and luck, she should respond to your increased attractiveness and aloofness, as well as her own fear of loss, by trying to get you back witht he surest means at her disposal. When this happens, sex her good. Give her an earth-shaking orgasm, whatever it takes. Then go right back to acting the new way; you can't afford to revert.
If sex becomes a more regular event, you can begin letting up on the fear of loss bits, but you must maintain the other two. It's like a diet, you can't stop when you hit your target; it has to become a lifestyle.
While I think the chance of saving the marriage is small, your best odds lie in becoming more attractive (paritcularly in the way you were when she met you), making the loss of your investment a real possibility to her, and quietly refusing to engage her except on your own terms. Stop being a sure thing. Best of luck.
If it does come to a divorce, which I'm afraid is more likley no matter what you do, be sure to move quickly to get custody of everything - kids, house, money, everyhting. Take the kids to your parents' place if you have to, just move fast. You can always compromise later.
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (16 March 2011):
 Is is normal for sex to drop off after the babies are first born, but not to the extreme you are talking about. 12 mths without sex, twice?? That's crazy. I'm suprised you haven't cracked up long before now.
Any guess at all about what is going on in her head?
Is she tired from being home all day with the kids?
How much do you help around the house?
Does she work out side of the home?
Has she gained weight since the babies?
When was the last time you took take out on a date?
Does she have a social life of her own apart from you and the kids?
Do you kiss her and make her feel sexy & wanted outside of the bedroom?
Do you still laugh and play together?
Have you ever gave her a day at the spa and sent the kids to your mums for the night? (or anything like that)
Because foreplay starts the minute you get home, by giving her that special look and kiss on the neck, a little nibble on the ear... you know the whole tonight is the nite kind of thing that sets the mood for what is to come. You can wait to hit the bed before and just expect her to flip a switch and change from mommy to lover.
Do what you can to figure it out, and fix it best you can. But in the meantime, I think I would tell her no more sleeping in the kids room, you are my wife and you belong in the bed beside me. Say she can walk there or you will carry her there if you must. But you are done with that.
I am not saying to force her into having sex, but getting her back into your bed is a necessary first step. Just sleeping close to someone and cuddling can help lite a little spark. So can long massages after a relaxing soak in the tub.
And the good news is that once we women start to have sex again after a long dry spell the more we seem to want it. BTW. It might be a good idea to get a bottle of lube. She may need it after all this time.
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A
female
reader, FoX15 +, writes (16 March 2011):
I'm no expert. I've seen this happen to my parents. From what I've seen, it has happened to most marriages. It's really hard to balance the children with a romantic relationship.
I really think its all about communication. Have you tried talking to her about it? You should talk to her and let her know exactly how you are feeling. Maybe she's feeling the same thing too. Maybe she just needs a little more help with the kids. I can tell that you're invested in this relationship, and you don't want to resort to divorce. I just think you need to talk it out with her and tell her you miss her. Remind her of the two of you when you were first dating or when you first got married.
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A
male
reader, lakers_lover09 +, writes (16 March 2011):
Counseling my friend. Anythng this delicate needs professional care not us. u want to fix it and tht is very noble of u tho. Dnt give up on her go seek pro help and good luck
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