A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need advice: should I stay with my current boyfriend who I am totally in love with but he's six years younger and from a different world -- or find someone i can tolerate that is more serious, settled and ready for marriage?I'm going to be 35 - so marriage and a baby are on my mind. He says he loves me and I know he does - but he is younger and from a country where people don't marry for love but for family reputation. I'm American and while he is very westernized - I'm afraid his Muslim upbringing will eventually lead him to break up with me to find a nice Muslim girl. He says he doesn't want this but he's hinted he's not ready for a baby/marriage. He makes me so happy - I can't imagine breaking up with him and settling for someone else just because they can provide me with marriage and a baby. What would you do?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 June 2012):
 Yep, he is sort of bullshitting you :) . My cynical take on this, is that he never meant to take your r/ship to the next level. Mind you, he must have liked you, or even have loved you , but he knew it all along it would and could only be a transitional love. So, everything fine until it was fun and romance in the here and now- the moment he realizes you mean business, he can't handle you anymore.
See if in a year or two at most, Mr. Free Spirit does not end up married with a nice Muslim second cousin... I can SOOO see it happening :)
But,never mind, there should be no cause for bittereness. You are just two person on two very different life tracks, having different priorities wanting very different things,- it's good that,having been forced to realize that, you are now free to seek what's best for you. So,on this at least, he is right - someday you'll thank him.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (10 June 2012):
Hi. It's hard to really know if he is not telling you the truth.
He possibly is being honest though, when he says he is not ready for a relationship right now.
He doesn't feel it's being fair to you to keep on seeing you when he has no intention at the moment, of taking the relationship to the next step.
It could simply be that the timing isn't right for him right now.
There may be a few more things he would like to pursue in his life, before he does truly want to settle down once and for all.
Once marriage, kids and a mortgage happen, then a lot of other things do get put on hold for quite some time. And sometimes they never see he light of day again in a lifetime.
And then it's a case of fading dreams and a lot of regrets.
No doubt these kinds of thoughts are going throught his mind as he reaches middle age.
Feelings of - "I feel I should be doing more with my life."
It's a thought that we all have at some point, as the years go by, and the fear of time running out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: we broke up. I waited a whole month - giving him space. He never called or text and yet at one party w mutual friends introduced me as his girlfriend and then talked to everyone in the room but me.
Finally - after a month of limbo - I pushed for the conversation and he said he loves me enough to let me go. That he can't handle a relationship - knows he never wants to settle down and can't keep hurting me by "wasting my time". He said someday I'll thank him.
Personally I think none of this is true - if he thought I was "the one" he would not leave but beg me to give him more time to come around.
I am truly sad became I think he is giving up too easy. But now I have to focus on moving on.
Thank you for all your advice and support.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2012): I was one of the anonymous posters.I had to reply to this after reading your update. He is going to keep you in limbo for as long as he can while he makes a decision. If you can wait patiently for him to make a decision and NEVER bring the subject up again until he makes that decision then carry on. In my situation, I had to end it because all I could thnk in my head was "one day he will leave". Also I relalised that I hos heart wasn't in getting married to anyone. So I told him it was over and he tried all his usual manipulation to try to get me to change my mind but I didn't.I don't want someone else to roll the dice for me. I'd rather do that myself.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (18 May 2012):
Hi. It really depends on what you are willing to tolerate, before it really does become too much for you, and you can't take any more.
He is not willing to give you a straight answer at the moment, and it might not be that he is stringing you along.
When he says that he can't see his own future, he's probably telling you the truth as he sees it right now.
For that, you can be thankful that he is being honest with you.
And because of this, you can't force him to hurry up and make up his mind about you.
It is something he needs to consider very carefully, and as well as that what he wants to do with his own life - apart from whether to marry or not anytime soon.
He may be at a place in his life where he feels there are some more things he would like to do before eventually settling down.
And unfortunately if this is true, well then there is very little you can do or say to pursuade him otherwise.
This is a decision only he can make.
Because it seems that the real question is - Does he want to settle down at all? And if so, when will that time be?
This is the part that could take him some time to consider.
Being of Muslim religion - and you a Christian - probably has some influence, but it's more about where he is in his life right now.
Do you know how his family feel about him seeing you?
Has he ever said?
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (17 May 2012):
 ''So I'm in limbo. I either accept this half relationship where it doesn't even feel like we are together or I call him up and end it once and for all''
You got that absolutely right...those are your choices for sure.
Why has he left you in limbo?...because it ensures you do not get the answer you want and deserve, it keeps you dangling on that bit of string and he can maintain his sex life and 'good guy' image because he ain't sayin' nothing!!!
You and he are on different pages and want different things...something's got to give...Is it going to be you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell the choice may be out of my hands. I cornered him and asked him point blank (amid tears and high emotions) - do you see a future with me? Marriage ? A kid? He said "he can't see his own future so he can't make
Me promises "
That was a week ago. Since then he's been ignoring me except to call me up and make sure we went to a mutual friends party together to keep up appearances. I was also sick this past week and he brought me soup and flowers - but then slept on the couch and wwas emotionally distant.
I tried to talk to him again about it calmly - minus tears ans emotions - and he said "I have nothing to say. I don't know what I'm supposed to say"
So I'm in limbo. I either accept this half relationship where it doesn't even feel like we are together or I call him up and end it once and for all. It's very hard to know what to do when he has shut down emotionally.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 May 2012):
No. Choose marriage, if you really care about getting married and having a baby until you are still in time. The Muslim guy is a very unsafe bet.
And before Muslim posters get mad at me, - hold on. I know pretty well Muslim culture and some Muslim countries, and I speak some Arab too . I used to work for a Muslim boss and have Muslim colleagues, no complaints. I have Muslim girlfriends, and a Muslim ex boyfriend that, all in all, was probably the most enjoyable, less problematic of my relationships .So nothing personal, what I write does not come out of ignorance, prejudice or irrational dislike.
Only, I have seen how it works 99% of the times. They maybe more westernized than you and I , but in the end , they choose the traditional way , family and community first.
It's not even a matter of religion, I've met Muslim people who knew way less than I do ! about their religion, and did not practice it at all , or just for the more external stuff, like not eating pork . It's the basical concept of love and marriage that's all different , and stays different regardless of westernized attire and western colleges degrees. It's not an individual concern ; it's a family and COMMUNITY concern. It's not about just about attraction and feelings, it's about getting all along, and fitting in, and BELONGING. It's not a private personal matter, there's a lot of people, down to uncles and cousins , who have a say in that- and they think it is right this way, because marriage is a serious thing done for the lasting wellbeing of more people than just the two spouses.
Moral, - when the time comes to get settled, he'll want someone from his country or community. Most probably someone ,if not chosen by his parents, at least known and liked by them, some sort of third cousin maybe.
Of course, there are exceptions, and intercultural marriages , I know a few too. But... if the biological clock is ticking, I think you need a safe bet.
Tbh, what makes me dubious about the clarity and firmness of his intentions, is that he says he's not ready for marriage and baby . At 29 ? A Muslim ? ...( Always speking in genral, of course ) They are WAY ready for that at that age, they are used to " man up " and start their families much sooner, in part it's a cultural thing ( their society does not keep them eternal Peter Pans and eternal mama's boys like ours, at 20 they are all adult and grown up- part of their charm, I'd say ) in part it's practical, if they find the right girl and the family agrees, the ( extended ) family will go to really great lengths to help them financially and make their dream come true, they don't need to wait to have all their ducks in a row financially .
So, I've got the feeling that " I am not ready " may mean , deep down," I love you...but you are not the one".
I don't expect you take my words as the oracle, and I agree that it sounds crazy leaving someone you are in love with ... to marry someone you are not.
Then again, it all depends how much you care about having marriage and children.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses. I am still struggling with this. I worry if we are not married that he is not 100% convinced I'm the one for him and he will be looking elsewhere.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2012): I would choose love over marriage too. As human beings we all need love to be emotionally healthy.Marriage does not equal love. marriage does not sustain love.Love needs to happen and be sustained on its own, and whether you two happen to also be married is incidental.marriage is about commitment. But commitment does not equal love. it equals duty and obligation. Many people mistake commitment for love but it's not the same. You can be committed to the marriage without actually loving that person very much but because you're staying committed to your own ideals of how you should be conducting yourself. I was married for 15 years. I was highly committed to my marriage even though I didn't love my husband. I was committed because because it was my duty to be, not because I loved him (because I didn't). after I got divorced, I felt free and liberated like nothing I had ever experienced.next time I will choose love over marriage. That doesn't mean I'm averse to getting married again, just that love is the top priority and marriage itself only secondary and contingent on there being love.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012): I would choose love over the marriage and kids thing. If you love your bf, and he loves you, then you don't need to get married to spend the rest of your lives together.
if he would break up with you further down the line just so he can marry someone of his own religion, that that means that your relationship wasn't actually as strong or as happy as you thought it was.
But if you feel sure that he loves you as much as you love him, then, you have someone who loves you. And you love him. that's more than most married people (with kids) have. Many married people settled for their partner (because marriage and kids was the goal) and as a result live out the rest of their lives in quiet desperation.
I guess you should ask yourself if your priorities are love, or to be married and have kids? Most people have both as the goal, but you seem to think that in your situation it's only one or the other so those are the options you have to choose from.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2012): Hi,I am in the same situation as you except I am a Muslim and he is too. His parents want him to marry a girl from Pakistan and not a girl from England because his ex-wife was from England and they believe that contributed to the eventual divorce.Anyway I met his parents and they met mine and his parents just played along with the whole thing knowing full well they would never let this marriage happen. As the months passed by I realised this too and told my boyfriend that if we were to get married, we would have to get our own place and have an independent life. He told me last week that he has dedicated his life to his parents and will marry whomever they choose but will not be faithful to her. I have decided to take myself out of the picture. It hurt like hell but I realised, his parents and family came first no matter what and now I'm glad I didn't push to marry him.I am the same age as you and want marriage and a baby but I know he can never give me those things. He chose his family and I have to accept that.My advice to you is look out for you. If you think he will choose his family and religion over you (and believe me that is a POWERFUL combination) then now is the time to walk away. There is someone out there for you and someone out there for me who will give us 100%. We just have to gain the will to find him.Good luck.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (30 April 2012):
Hi there. This decision really depends on how deeply he follows his Muslim religion.
His nationality isn't really an issue, it's more a case of what his personal beliefs about life and religion are.
No matter how much you love him, his religion is probably to become an issue in future, I can practically guarantee that.
And if it's not from him directly, you can be fairly well assured it will come from his family in a really big way.
They will put pressure on him, which in turn will put pressure on you and him as a couple.
And it will ultimately result in some really big arguments between you. So more unhappiness.
And the types of arguments you could have, will be far more serious than whether he wants marriage and children or not.
There really is a lot to consider here. It's certainly a lot more than whether he wants to settle down or not with you - or with a Muslim girl.
It would be a lot easier if he was Catholic and you were protestant. Because the two religions are not so very different from each other.
I don't think you mentioned it here, but how long have you been together as a couple?
Have you only just met very recently?
If this is the case, well then you probably don't know him too well yet and his family and lifestyle either.
As you have said, when his family do know about you, they may be open to it, and then again they may well discourage him altogether.
If his family and him are deeply religious, and you decide to stay in a relationship with him, over time he might expect you to convert to Islam and wear all the appropriate covering up clothes the women typically wear.
This is something you definitely need to consider as well.
Because it's likely to happen that way.
Consider your options very carefully.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (30 April 2012):
Hmmmm... now let me get this clear...
You love him but you know he will never marry you and eventually leave you?? Isn't that like saying
'I love standing on the free way...I know eventually I am going to get hit by a truck but I love it so much I am just going to do it anyway?'
Ok I get that your body clock is ticking, but you know you have no future with this guy, so basically you have mapped out the rest of your life to remain unmarried and childless just so you can have a warm body beside you for now until he decides to leave you?...
I think you need to really think about what you want for YOU and you alone.
You want marriage and a baby...so find someone who wants the same. You still have time (albeit limited) so why are you wasting another second when potentially there are thousands of suitable men out there who would love and give you what you want.
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