A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, everyone. My ex girlfriend broke up with me in December because she didn't think I loved her enough. I did love her a lot, but we were both being immature -- she was acting passive aggressively and I wasn't communicating. She texted me once in January and once in March wanting to get back together, and I didn't respond. I wanted to, but I was hurt about being broken up with and thought the best thing to do was to "be strong" and try to move on. I've done a lot of thinking though over that time, and this month I decided to try to get her back. We really did love each other a lot, and I grew up a lot in these seven months for a few reasons. I texted her expecting to set up a meeting where we could talk about things again, but she told me she's been dating someone new for a few months and wants to see where it goes because he's special too and I had my chance. I panicked, as I thought she was still single, and what I wanted to say when we met up came out in a couple days of just way too many texts professing my love for her. I'm sure it seemed desperate and was counterproductive. But like I said, I completely panicked. So here I am. I'm going to try to get on with my life, but I really do believe that things would be great with us now and we had a real love. Part of me thinks I need to give her space because I already screwed up by sending all the texts. But I fear that if I give her space, she's going to fully move on and marry this new guy. I'm not sure it's a rebound because it started about 5 months after we broke up. I know I should probably just try to find a different girl, but I'm in my 30s and it's the second time I've truly loved someone. It's important enough to fight for but I don't know how. I filmed a short video of me smiling, telling her I love her, and singing an 80s song she likes. I think normally it would make her smile. But on top of all the texts, I worry it will make me seem desperate. I know I screwed this up several times over, but some of us grow up too late. But I truly love her. Any thoughts?
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broke up, ex girlfriend, get back together, her ex, immature, move on, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2014): "she didn't think I loved her enough" is a stupid excuse and I can't believe you fell for that manipulation.
"It's your fault I'm dumping you, you ruined this and instead of staying and trying to work things out I'm dumping you." Yeah, sure.
OP you said it yourself you were both immature and playing games. She was being passive/aggressive and you somehow don't see that part of that was blaming you for the break up, it's like you don't see how she said that to hurt you and that it's not the real reason.
Need any more evidence? "You had your chance", there she goes blaming you again.
"I really do believe that things would be great with us now and we had a real love." That's because you've let yourself believe her reasons. OP she dumped you, she wanted out of the relationship and it wasn't because of what you think it was because if she loved she would have stayed and worked it out.
She wanted out and is nasty enough to want you to blame yourself. You've fallen for that so hard you believe that if you can just change and "grow up" she'll want you back.
Well as you can see not only doesn't want you back she wants to stick the knife in and have you blame yourself for things going wrong.
Time to move on and time to stop buying into the shite she sold you. It's her fault this ended, she did the dumping and she obviously didn't love you enough to stay and fight to fix things. So she was projecting her feelings when she said you didn't love her enough, because guess what? Now that she has the chance of having you back she's refused. So who doesn't love who enough?
Time to go no contact and move on, because by sounds of things you had a pretty dire relationship in which you couldn't communicate anyway. Why would you want that back?
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 August 2014):
 It may be true that's all is fair in love and war, but this is not really a matter of fairness, or equity. It's a matter of probability , and seing things as they are.
It sounds like this ship has sailed. You had your chances - both when you were together , and when she tried to reconnect : TWICE. Both times you choose to ignore her- not just to say "no thanks ", simply to ignore her.
She got the message, and made a ( successful ) decision to move on.
Now, YOU changed your mind ( maybe because you know she has somebody else ? A bit of I - only-want-what- I-can't- have ? ) so she is supposed to drop everything and give you one more chance.
Sorry, it does not work like that.
You HAD your chances and you blew them. Some times it IS about timing... too bad. Accept it, and move on.
You know you screwed this up several times over, but some of us grow up too late ?... YOUR problem, not hers. Live and learn, and bring what you have learned into your next relationshop, so that it will be more successful.
You really love her ? You really loved her ? Could be- quite possible. But what's the point of a love that the other person does not feel ? what's a love that can't be expressed, shown, communicated, and PERCEIVED by the loved one ? What's the use of it ? It's the same like non-loving that person. " If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it... did that tree REALLY fall ? " sort of thing.
Yes, a singing love video would sound a little desperate- and creepy. Plus, she has a boyfriend now. Who might ALSO think " all is fair in love and war " ... and feel entitled coming and giving you a big black eye...
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (22 August 2014):
 Oh God stop being creepy and stop with the video already! You're a grown man in your 30s', what kind of a message do you think you're trying to send to an ex girlfriend when you send her a video of you smiling, telling her that you love her and then singing a song? I wouldn't be surprised if she got a restraining order against you. I would, if I were in her place!
Stop being silly and just shake yourself out of this. You need a hard dose of reality.
YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS OVER.
SHE HAS MOVED ON.
Accept it and allow her to live it peace with the new man. You dont own her and you cant influence her thoughts in any way. She has made a choice and by the way, there's a term for people who behave the way that you're doing. Obsessive Stalkers. Do you want to be that? Because you're right on the cusp of it.
There's no age for finding love so stop cribbing about the fact that you're too old. My boyfriend got together with me when he was in his late 30's and I was 29 and at a time when he had completely given up on ever finding anyone worthwhile in his life. He tells me now that he couldnt imagine that he would ever be this happy.
You'll find someone too but please let go of your ex. You dont love her, you love the idea of being with her because you're too scared of being alone.
Let her choose whoever she wants to be with. You cant influence her in any way and the more you try, the more you'll push her away. Allow her to move on, conduct yourself with dignity and move on yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2014): All is fair in love and war.
Do what your heart tells you.
If she still choose the other guy after all your full effort, then its time to kiss her goodbye.
Since shes not married yet, you still have time to win her back.
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (22 August 2014):
 You had your chance.. it's too late now. She found someone else and wants to give that relationship a chance.
Don't stand in her way.. if you truly love her, you'd want to see her happy, even if the person by her side, making her happy isn't you.
Let go. Let her move on. You move on too.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Ladywithaheart  +, writes (22 August 2014):
You sound very sweet and kind and I think that we have all been in this spot before both as the person who lost someone we lived and the person who had someone want to reconcile. I too am currently going through this with an ex husband who is trying hard to convince me that getting back together would be a good idea and although I do love him as a person, I know in my heart he is not the right one for me .. Perhaps this is true for the two of you ? I'm not sure?
It does sound like it may be time to just let go though to be honest . Feel free to pm me if you would like to talk
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