A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been divorced for two yrs. I just started dating. I met a nice guy and we have been dating for almost a year. I love him very much and think he is great. We go to church together and talk about our future together. He is great with the kids and loves to do family things. He is honest about anything I want to know. If I need assurance, he gives it with no hesitation. So far, I can't complain. There is just one problem. My ex husband cheated on me and hurt me really bad. I'm over it but can't help to think it could happen again. My new boyfriend has never given me reason to believe he is dishonest. When I call my boyfriend and he doesn't pick up, I start to wonder. I get nervous, anxious, and worried. Even though I don't tell him how I'm feeling, he can pick up the vibe. I can't help this behavior as I was not like this a time ago. I don't know what happened to me. I am insecure for no reason. Someone please help me on this as I don't want to run him away. What can I do to relax a bit?
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cheated on me, divorce, insecure, my ex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2014): I have the same problem.
Its just so hard for me to trust someone because of something that happened in the past.
Honestly, it makes me so sad knowing that maybe i have lost someone that could be the greatest love of my life.
So my advice for you is...
To take a risk. Love is like a gamble. U might lose or win.
Try to trust him ....
Pray and have faith. You deserve to be happy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you WiseOwlE! I really appreciate your response. It hit hard to my heart. You are very right. I can't express how great you made me feel. I never had anyone to break it down like that. Your response is my new daily bread.
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A
female
reader, countryaly76 +, writes (21 August 2014):
Honey you have reason to be insecure, you were cheated on by someone you love, its betrayal and very hard to trust afterwards. You need to remember that not all men are the same. You sound like you love him very much and he hasn't given you reason to not trust him. You don't want to punish him for something your ex did. I think you need to talk to him, let him know your feelings, communication is important. If he loves you he will be willing to work through issues with you. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith to find happiness. Best wishes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2014): In divorce-years, two years isn't really that long.
Sometimes it takes a while for people to recover from something as serious as a divorce. You're getting over everything that lead up to the split, the legal expenses, custody issues, splitting assets, the trauma of going to court, and then waiting it out until it's final. You share kids, so you don't even get to cut the ex loose completely. So give yourself a break. You're going to be a little insecure; because it will take awhile to rebuild your ability to trust. Just don't give-in to dependency and immaturity.
Anytime you start a new relationship, it's going to take risk. You have to set your mindset to give it all you've got; because both of you have agreed to take that risk together. Dole out trust a little at a time to start; but reward him generously, as he proves himself and earns it.
If he never earns your trust, what reason does he have to remain with you? Seriously!!!
We can't foretell the future, so we have to live in the present. We can't let past mistakes and failures paralyze us, and destroy what we're rebuilding.
Access those lessons you've learned from your past experience and apply them. Your life was in preparation for where you are now. If you didn't learn anything and failed every test; it's because you relied on everyone else to compensate for your weaknesses and prop you up. You did nothing to improve and empower yourself. Don't worry, it's never too late. You learn everyday. Yes, we get the wind knocked out of us when we discover someone we love with all our hearts has betrayed us. It's like they've stolen your very soul. You're left feeling like a shell of a person. Like a fool. As though they played a big ugly joke on you.
The challenge is to take back your power. Live-on with grace and dignity. Show your children how strong their mom is. You're their super-hero, you know that. Prove them right!
You have to have resilience, and you have to make your comeback. If you're too frail to stand-up straight, then you aren't ready to start a new commitment. Believe in yourself, and give him benefit of the doubt. Don't let paranoia jack you up! It will, only if you let it.
You've got yourself a good man. He seems to be patient and understanding enough. Just try to lift his burden to reassure you little by little. You're starting from scratch, so don't punish him for what your ex-husband did to you.
They are two entirely different men. He is forsaking other women (with no trust-issue) to be with you. So he is making a sacrifice with his feelings just as you are. He doesn't deserve flakiness in exchange for his loving-care and loyalty. You can fallback on your excuses and manipulate him for only so long. He isn't going to pander to your unsubstantiated fears indefinitely. Only up to his threshold of tolerance. Everybody has one. So don't push it.
It might be a bumpy road back. You've come this far, take a deep breath; and like Whitney Houston says in her song "exhale!"
You're starting a new chapter and part of recovery is regaining your strength and reclaiming your own power. You are the master of your own fate, and you shouldn't give your ex the power to take what you deserve to have from you. He hurt you. Your present guy hasn't so far.
Don't panic when phone calls aren't immediately returned. That is childish and spoiled. He is not on "emergency response" every-time you message or call him.
Adults do get busy, or can't always pickup on the spot.
Plus, you need to be weaned-off needing too much reassurance. He doesn't have to jump when you snap your fingers, to prove he's not out screwing around.
Remember you have to offer something to get something back. He's trusting you, try to give him back what you're getting.
It's like driving for the first time after having a bad car accident. I know the feeling. You must push yourself to stop begging for the promise he will be perfect. You're not!
You're placing a lot of pressure on a person when you make them feel you don't trust them; and after time it wears on them. So you have to be strong. Just like the first day of school for your kids. You had to let go of their little hands, bear their tears, and let them face the world on their own. Now gather the same courage you expected from them. You can't coddle them 24/7. They have to rely on their own independence, resources, and have a sense of self.
If you don't try, you'll give into your insecurities, and that is self-defeat. You're a woman, and you have to act like a full-grown experienced and mature female; if you're going to commit to an adult-relationship.
I hope these words inspire you. Don't fallback on weakness, dig deep for inner-strength. Teach your kids how to be resilient, to defy self-defeat, and not allow other people to steal all their strength/power. Most importantly, to be fearless and able to survive on their own. They watch and learn from you! You're a woman. A very fierce creature.
You have the power to create life. Have the power to live it, in spite of your fears and losses.
All men don't cheat. They might as well, if you adamently believe all men do.
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A
female
reader, Fari  +, writes (21 August 2014):
 Hey I know its never easy once you have been cheated on. "Once a cheater, always a cheater" they say and they are probably right. You have done good though, you are out of that past pains and you have entered into a better place now with a man who is committed and honest still there are always doubts. What I can advise you is that you should talk to your partner about your fears and thoughts, do this when you guys are in a comfortable setting. If he is the man you said he is then he would understand. Plus have faith, its a small word with a big meaning but you just gotta take that leap of faith and go for it because you dont wanna chase away your new love with these insecurities.
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