A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I've been married for 17 years. There is a 12 year age gap between me and my husband. At first it did not seem to matter, but now he has turned 50 and has no teeth, i'm struggling. I have had 2 one night stands in the past and felt very guilty. It was at the time going through tough life changes ... 2 young children, grandfather dying and my mum moving a long distance away, also did not see my husband too much as he was always working .... he would not let me go out to work. He has always belittled me and my abilities. Since the children have reached an age that they are able to fend for themselves, I have started work which I love and have a reasonable circle of good friends. I started working for a health care group and about 2 years ago a man took over leadership of the group. At first it was a good working relationship, but the past year I have found myself drawn to him. He has always been flirty with me and I suppose I have recipricated ... now things are moving on ... The conversation and texts are quite sexual. I love the attention, but feel guilty. I have no excuses this time. I feel I dont love my husband anymore, I want to leave, but the courage escapes me. I know there is no future with this man from my work. He has two failed marriages, two children and is only out for a good time. Why am I draw to him?Please help, I don't know where to start!!!x
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flirt, long distance, one night stand, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, rambini +, writes (3 April 2010):
 when you marry someone you make a commitment to love them for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and that includes getting older. you knew he was older than you when you married, and to be honest with you, sayng he makes no effort and is distant is a bit rich when you are out sleeping with other people - doenst sound too much like ur putting effort in either. so how about u forget trying to flirt with other men, and actually talk to your husband properly and explain how you feel, listen to what he has to say, and see if you can work it out. you are an adult and need to face up to your situation not run away from it to get attention from guys who are players.
best of luck
A
female
reader, friendconfuse  +, writes (22 March 2010):
You and your husband need a quality time together. the other man is a gamer, he knows what you're missing and his playing with it and playing with your emotions. Two failed marriages? Come on, he can't even keep his relationship in-tack, what more's with you.Distance yourself with the other guy. Go out with your girl-friends. Reach out to your husband, if possible.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (21 March 2010):
 You make no sense...you are a cheater plain and simple...stop justifying and act like a damn adult
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo GrimmReality,
In my haste of writing for the first time ... looking for help! I forgot to mention that we have spoken at length about our feelings!!! Mine were sincere, ok not all the details, but from the heart never the less, Re how I feel etc. It boils down to this. He wants a mother he can SHAG!! Not for me thank you!!!
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A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (20 March 2010):
 Hi hun. You're doing it cos you're a 38 year old girl who's still young and wants some romance and passion in her life.
At your age to be saddled with a fifty year old who sounds plain mean and unappealing must make you panic.
This guy at work is your reaction to the situation you're in plus the one night stands. You need to think about whether you want a future with your husband. Don't be scared of being without a man who makes you unhappy. It's better!!!
You've got the sense to know there is no future with this guy at work so you've got the sense to make a happy future for you and the kids.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (20 March 2010):
 When i said, "Hey anon" that was in reference to the last anon poster.
OP, you are referred to as OP.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (20 March 2010):
Hey anon.
Why don't you think before you speak.
Marriage is a commitment both ways, and it is not something where you can belittle your partner, prevent her from working, etc.
The man is 50 and has no fucking teeth.
This is not the stone age. He lives in the UK and I know that they stereotypically have bad teeth (im half british and can say that), but that is just pathetic.
His stupid ass can't get toothpaste and a toothbrush with universal healthcare, and he has the guts to belittle HER?!
He does not try physically, he does not try financially, he does not try affectionately, he belittles her emotionally, and he tried to prevent her from working.
It takes a dick to insert into the vagina to have a child.
It takes a man to raise one.
He is not a man, he is a boy.
She is a woman and not some stupid girl. However, OP, you have got to set a better example for your children and divorce your toothless insecure boy of a husband.
My dog could is more of a man than he is, and it's a girl.
Despite my crude explanation, you and I both now that it is a more than accurate portrayal of reality. It IS reality, 100%.
You shouldn't have to live in misery to fulfill a promise that he broke long ago. Neither should your kids.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (20 March 2010):
Sorry lady, regardless of how your marriage is, you had the choice to either attempt marriage counseling, or to be adult enough to communicate with your husband exactly what your needs are(doesn't he deserve that? Do you even know what HIS needs are?) or divorce. There is never an excuse for cheating, as its a selfish act and a cowardly one.
You are a cake eater and it's all about you...TYPICAL CHEATER. You want the excitement of your cheating whilst keeping the security of marriage. and frankly, you are lying to your husband, and most of all you are lying to yourself.
I suggest you get a divorce. You lost any right to determine the direction your marriage takes once you seek love outside of it.
The other Agony Aunts may or may not blow smoke up your ass but they know I never do
Your excuses are as fresh as a Foghat concert. If you have an ounce of integrity you'll come clean with your husband and give him the right to determine how he wants to live his life. You stole that from him. How selfish can you be?
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (20 March 2010):
 If you leave I would do it just to start a new life for yourself not to begin a new one with another man.
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A
male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (20 March 2010):
 Im going to agree a little with that last guy. Too many people bail out of a marraige too easily now adays. I'm not saying to stick around no matter what. I'm saying if there is a problem with the marraige then you try everything you can to fix it. If ultimately you cant salvage the marraige then it's ok to leave.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2010): I may not know much but this I do know when yu get married yu make a commitment to stand by the person yu chose to spend the rest of yur life with no matter what and being attracted to other people is a natral feeling but what yu should do is instead of flirting with a man who has two fail marrages yu should be trying to make things better in your marrage because when push comes to shove your husband is gonna be there for yu so yu shuld be there for him. If after yu try this if things don't work out then next time stick to your age group yu never know yu might not get things right the first time but maybe the second time might be the right choice . But if yu really love someone yu love them for the good AND the bad and through good times and bad times.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (19 March 2010):
leave him
not worth it
he is ugly inside and out
He is not worth your time...
the reason why he is doing that is because he is afraid that you will find someone better. That is why he is keeping you from going out and getting a job.
He is an insecure person that is going to die alone.
Leave before he takes you to his level.
Sincerely,
vincenzo
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (19 March 2010):
 Its just the attention your enjoying, After being ignored and down trodden by your older husband.
Be aware that this new man may be using you for sex (he seems to have a colourful past indicating he's had previous bad relationships) I know your feeling bad hunny but dont drift into another bad union (albeit brief). Men who are looking for casual sex tend to prey on women who are emotionally weak or upset.
If you dont love your husband and you want to escape then the answer will come to you (I was in that situation once)If things are intolerable there is always a way out, but dont get entangled with someone who doesnt have your best interests at heart. Use the experience as an opportunity to realise something about you has changed and your ready for a new direction. Your not ready to be used by a work colleague for a bit of casual sex.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (19 March 2010):
You drawn to this other man, as you were to the other two men, because they show you the affection and care that your husband doesn't. But the answer is not in affairs, because ultimately if and when you're found out, it will be you who looks bad in the eyes of your children and it will be your reputation left in tatters. You can't stay married to a man you don't love, and have affairs. You're only hurting yourself and your kids. They will see that something is wrong. If your marriage is done and over with, then end it and move on now. Don't waste time having affairs that mean nothing. You'll end up very unhappy.
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A
female
reader, Auntie E +, writes (19 March 2010):
 Why are you drawn to the man at work? This guy gives you a lot of attention and you like it. You are no longer in love with your husband either? Why? Because by your own admission "he has always belittled me and my abilities." Who would love a guy like that and the fact that he has no teeth makes it even worse! I know you would like to hop in bed with guy from work but this is not your answer and you know this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010): hi,
what you're doing is pure human nature, no need to find weaknesses of your husband to leave him, it is very simply, you are not happy anymore, and life is short my dear, leave him, fix your life but dont forget you kids, find a new challenge, i dont suggest you start sleeping around, but instead have a normal safe sex life...
remember what makes life interesting is when we cross the lines of, religion, sexuality, beliefs, thoughs...etc
be strong, be good, and be wild, enjoy your life
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A
male
reader, Brunel  +, writes (19 March 2010):
Well do not go there, that is not going to help you at all.
Sort out the mess you have at home first so at least so long as you do not mention the one stands you can move on with a clear conscience.
There was a post not disimilar from this today and to me the age gap is always there. If your a superstar or a celeb it is another matter, for the rest of us life is diferent.
Let us be clear the Team Manager knows all about your upset at home. He will screw you and cause you more upset and this sex which is all it will be will impact at home and work.
You are really happy there do not spoil it otherwise you will have nowhere to get some happynes from.
If you go where are you going to? If you go what are the kids going to think of you? How will you finance solo life and how will you cope on your own? Why can't you tell him to leave.
Sorry to ask all these questions but this is the downside of your script which is lot different from a quick s---g with this guy and then finding you are dumped.
My wife left last year looking at the 'green grass' we had a very good relationship an did lots of things together, both working she had her pay to spend on herself - new car every 2 years, three or four holidays, a large house and a seaside flat and me that adored her!
I see very little of her but life in a one bedroom flat has its drawbacks- she is lonely, she does not like it, she misses a family around her, she misses someone to go out with a couple of times a week (me), loss of money I am sure there are more.
The thing that must bug her is the loss of her 2 adult childrens affections which has even upset me. It is such a shame to see cast out by them and the few times they see about once a month, they state they have nothing in common with her and care little how long it is before they see her again?
That is why if you go leave unblemished and for the real reason not because you see the chance of a sex partner. Consider how your kids are going to take this and friends and relatives. If you go with a clean slate they will accept things and not balame you entirely
Hope this helps I have gone on for ages.
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A
female
reader, holivia +, writes (19 March 2010):
You are drawn to him because your in LOVE! ur old enough to know that by now, you have a happy family, but your cheating on ur husband, it goes to show that you dont want to be with him anymore, it's not working. If you knoew yourself, you would leave him to be with the guy u wanna be with. Good Luck xoxo :)
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