A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have completely lost interest in sex, I feel no desire and do not masturbate anymore. I'm 36, I am not on the pill and haven't been for a number of years. I have been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years and love him loads, he is respectful, attentive, loving and kind. I started to lose interest in sex after about 6 months together, this has happened in other relationships but our relationship is great and I don't understand why I don't want to make love. To make it worse he has a high sex drive and it causes me anxiety and stress knowing he wants to make love and I dont' want to. I enjoy it when we do but at the same time just because it's good doesn't make me want it the next time. The problem is getting worse and is now affecting our relationship, I just want to be left alone and feel even more turned off by his desire for me. Why is this happening and what can I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007): Here is what I think is going on. You say your guy has a high sex drive, and you always have sex with him when HE is int he mood, but no when you are, and this is causing you stress, you tense up in anticipation of yet another demand on your body for sex.
Here is the deal, honey....Women are not as physically strong as men...we cannot always take being a human pin cushion at the end of the day, we are both mentally and physically to tired to be in the mood.
You need to STOP having sex with him when you are feeling this way, you need to open up and communicate to your man that you are just not up for sex, you are building a little resentment mountain in your own mind against him, and it is really your fault for not taking care of yourself in this department. I am not saying you should stop having frequent sex, but stop having it when you know YOU don't want to, and nothing will get you in the mood.
As far as getting yourself in the mood, ask your boyfriend to do something nice for you before sex, like a massage or have him run you a warm bath with scented oils and candles and dim light....soak in the tub, ALONE, with your thoughts and then you will feel more rejuvenated, ask you boyfriend to warm you up sexually, at least 20 minutes of foreplay, you can't help but be in the mood with this kind of lovemaking.
Things will get better, if you just start caring a little more about you, instead of focusing on him so much, we women are guilty of that to the nth degree.
A
female
reader, BreeBree  +, writes (16 November 2007):
I am so sorry you are going through this, how frustrating.
Now, this may sound like common sense or it may make me sound like a complete dunce. But, if you enjoy doing it once you do it, you just don't always feel like it before hand. I would say, do it anyways because you love him and in the end it will satisfy his sex drive and you will feel good too and enjoy it.
If the actual act is not pleasurable. My only advice would be to up the foreplay - things that do make you want sex. Have the sex be about YOU and not about him. sometimes as a relationship progresses, especially if the male has a higher sex drive it becomes more about his need and pleasure. Also maybe experiment with chocolate, candles, a little bit of wine, things that may make it more pleasurable for you.
Good luck with your situation!
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A
female
reader, MonDoc  +, writes (16 November 2007):
Mistify and I seem to be on the same page, and onto the same areas... and, as usual, I completely agree!
It is psychological in one sense, but it's also physical --- I'm not an expert by any means in this area, but my understanding is that when you first fall in love, or are in the beginning stages of a relationship, your body produces certain chemicals that heighten your feelings, including your sexual desires. These fade out over time and, biologically, women aren't programmed to be as sexually desirous as men because, when you think about it, sex is biologically about continuation of the species. Think back to cave-man times... women have (and this would have always been the case) a pregnancy "window" - a time when they can fall pregnant around ovulation -- men don't know when this will be so they have to be available to do the deed with any partner who is on an undeterminable cycle. So they've GOT to be always ready to go, whereas you don't... again, this is all going back to procreation theories & you have to imagine it like cave-man days where a cave-woman couldn't pop down to the local chemist for an ovulation kit, and where there may have been multiple partners... this caveman had to be ready, if he had 5 cave-girls, to get with any of them at any given time to impregnate them. So that's why your guy is the way he is... don't be turned off by it... it's just biological urge. It's similar to how, when you do feel horny, you'll find it's generally more so around ovulation time.
The whole situation is also inherently linked with a psychological aspect too --- the thrill of the new. Like buying something new and beautiful (e.g. a stunning pair of ear-rings). At first they're new & sparkly & you love them, but after a while, you're so used to seeing them that you're not thrilled with them so much --- you know they're there; they're yours, so that 'thrill' is gone.
Same thing in a relationship! You've got him, so your desire to explore & enjoy is not the same... and this is completely normal too.
In terms of what to do... that's the million dollar question we'd all like answered. I think Mistify is right - supplements might help. Romance & finding ways to make things new-ish again. Going away, having drinks or a romantic dinner & wine, watching porn together, massages, erotic massages where you're both naked but not allowed to give in to sex for at least an hour or two, showering together... all different things to try.
I did read once in a men's health mag about showering together so you, as the female, feel clean & comfortable and then having him concentrate on you for a good 1/2 hr can bring on some pretty good results.
Just keep going with it... you're not alone & all you can do is whatever it takes to help yourself enjoy it. The rule is that there are no rules.
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A
female
reader, Mistify  +, writes (16 November 2007):
 I've answered several questions like this in the past couple of weeks, and the answer: There is none.
You have all my sympathy, because i have the exact same thing. Its also been about 6 months, and NOTHING he does can get me in the mood.
I do realize however, that the problem is with me, and NOT with him.
I've gone to the doctor, as i thought it might be a medical problem, but he said it was all in my mind. I do have a lot of stress, but NO more than usual.
So, i think we're in the same boat.
What i've done, which is really working, is taking a herbal supplement called libido for her. I'm not sure if you have an equal product over there, but this has really helped, especially if i use it everyday...
I'm starting to think that this problem of mine might be psychological, and if, after my holiday in two weeks, i don't feel any better, i'm going to seek some alternative advice.
Maybe you should do the same.
Good luck - i hope it sorts itself out...
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