A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now and everything, on the whole, is great. He is normally very caring and attentive and I felt blown away by my feelings for him. He has a friend who is an avid porn watcher and thinks there is nothing wrong with this. I am aware now that my bf used to watch this porn round his house (his friend's partner at the time used to think they mutally masturbated to it - which they said they didn't but thought highly amusing). I have made my views known to my bf about my dislike of porn and have even argued in front of him with his best friend (the avid user). Once when I came home and my bf and his friend was there, i found out on the computer that they had been looking at porn. I was angry and spoke to my bf when I calmed down. He told me he didn't look at it (it was his friend), and that he didn't use the internet to view this sort of material. Well, last week we went away to France and there were some cheap porn dvd's in a shop. My bf was hovering around that area and said "ooh, shall we get some". I unfortunately let him do it (as I don't want to stop anyone doing what they feel they need to do). I even encouraged him to take a couple to work to watch. NOW, however, I can't work out why I am pissed off with him (he knows something is up but I need to clarify it in my mind before speaking with him). Recently our sex life has not been great (once a week if we are lucky). He rarely makes a first move on me and when I tried to initiate it one morning, it was like shagging a manequin. I have a high sex drive, am very adventurous and love it when we do have sex; he massively turns me on and knows which buttons to press!! So, what is going on?? I am pissed off now that he can pleasure himself to porn but my needs are not being met. I know if I said this to him he would be devasted as in all other areas he is loving and attentive. I now do not want sex at all with him and have been going to bed early (so I am asleep by the time he gets to bed). Am I being unrealistic in that men will and want to watch porn?? Do you think he has intimacy issues?? Have I been so adventurous that he is now bored with that and needs something DIFFERENT? Or is this the end of the relationship and I am being massively knaive?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2007): I am the original sender and just thought I would update you. I had a word with my bf at the weekend and asked him if he no longer fancied me because he had brought the porn dvd's. He said absolutely not, he was still into me in a major way and when I asked him why the sex was suffering, he listed quite rightly that we have both been too tired with work, plus we have a friend staying with us in a really small place so not always the opportunity. He said he would not have brought them if I had voiced my concerns at the time plus he said he used it when he was away from me. Well, bottom line, I agreed that night to watch one with him (very difficult for me as I am totally anti porn). I was watching the dvd whilst he tried to get fruity with me (he wasn't watching it). So, I said, look you've put it on for us to watch, so lets watch it. What was interesting was before we put it on, we were both on fire for each other, but as soon as the dvd went on, it dampened the ardour to be honest. I truly believe he saw porn in a new light and one which isn't good in a loving relationship. At one point, there was a particularly horrid bit where the guy spat on the ladies you know what, he gave me a sheepish look and said "it's a bit primitive, isn't it". I just nodded. He then remarked on a close up with a lady that her spots were all on show" and we laughed at the noises they were making. He then said, they all follow the same format really and this is boring isn't it? I agreed. He then said, Top Gear is on at 8, shall we watch that?. Result. I then asked him what hints and tips we should pick up and again, he agreed there was nothing to learn. Having now watched it I actually feel right in saying that porn is a load of old rubbish. Indeed, it may serve a need for a lonely sad individual that doesn't have a real person in their lives, or perhaps the occasional wank over it when your partner isn't about, but to introduce it into a loving relationship is tosh and I finally feel that my sensitive guy will never ask me to watch one with him again, judging by his reaction and the fact that we were more turned on without it - IN THE REAL WORLD, not some fantasy land that boys get hooked on from their teenage years.
A
male
reader, Ponungalungb  +, writes (16 November 2007):
 To steal a phrase from an old Motown song . . . "ain't nothin' like the real thing baby, uh un, ain't nothin' like the real thing."
If your boyfriend is satisfying himself and not you, something is wrong. He should either give up the porn or give up you. His behavior is totally selfish and inconsiderate of you and your needs. I'd tell him to go spank his monkey to his heart's content . . . on your way out of his life.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007): I have just been to see a really excellent sex therapist and relationship counsellor about this very issue. She is one of the most respected in the UK and practices from Brighton so if you live nearby and want a name send a message to the board.
I am a similar age to you (and UK) and my man and me had a brilliant sex life. I hope I can get it back because I feel sick about him touching me at the moment. She gave me a really spot on, insightful and amazing article to read, which you should show your man. Look up the Guardian newspaper, search for an article from 2003 called "Men and Porn" by Edward Marriot. She also tells me
that men who surf the net for 11 hours or over per week are officially addicted according to all the research. As with any addiction it alienates loved ones and wrecks lives. It robs people of the ability to be safe and the desire to invest as they need to in their personal relationships. Have a look, it will totally validate you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007): I watch porn myself (avidly) and my girlfriend does not share my passion. I dont think there is anything wrong with it as it sems very normal to me. I think my girlfriend does not like the idea of me watching other females but this is not the case. People watch porn for different reasons. The way I see it, As long as you are just watching porn, You are not out playing around. you are getting your lust fix by innocent ways. Variety is the spice of life. It is a toughy as I have tried to get my girlfriend to watch them withme and they just dont seem the same as she is just not into them. You cant force somebody to change what they want to do or you should not, SO either get with the program or let him be. try not to let it become an issue. I am new at this advice thing so forgive meif I am not very good at it, Thanks, chris
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007): I have also had problems with my boyfriend and porn. I sometimes watch it by myself, and decided maybe instead of arguing with him about it, I'd just try to watch it with him. The rule was, nothing too raunchy, and he would turn it off whenever I felt uncomfortable. It worked, I no longer get angry with him for watching porn, since I do it as well.
I realized he watches porn because, well besides the obvious, he knows he will not be judged, or have any reason to be embarrassed. It's completely normal!
Maybe if your bf didn't watch it with his friend, you wouldn't feel so vulnerable.
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A
female
reader, girlwhoneedshelp +, writes (16 November 2007):
 Porn is something that can be fun for some couples but if it is abused it can be very damaging to certain parties like yourself. Here your partner is choosing porn over you. You need to sit down and ask him what is it that porn does for him that you can't? Whatever the reason you need to let him know that what he is doing is upsetting you as he is putting his own needs before yours.
You're not being unrealistic in thinking that men will want to watch porn but some men don't like it at all. His relationship with his avid porn watching friend doesn't sound healthy as his friend is making a bad impression on him. This friend is probably one of the main reasons why porn has replaced your sex life. Ask your partner if he would maybe spend more nights in with you than out at his friends house watching porn. If he thinks this idea is totally unreasonable then it will be quite obvious which one of you he wants. Porn over you.
You just need to be totally honest with him and see if you can get out of him why he finds porn so fascinating. You could maybe even give porn a try yourself and offer watching a porn movie together and then maybe doing some of the things you've watched yourself.
Good luck!
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