A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi Aunties,My relationship with my DH went from us being happy and ignorning all of the conflict around us, to him and I arguing about his parents. We live with his parents and sisters so we can save money for a house of our own. His father holds that above our heads and gets my DH to pay for rent/ utilities and food for everybody in the home. which leaves us saving a smaller sum of money when we had agreed to pay for food not rent and utilities. which his father agreed to pay (which is less than food) Both of his parents are alcoholics so money goes mainly to that need and only his father works. MIL stay home all day drinking and smoking and plays the martyr saying everything is because she's a mom. My FIL calls me names and patronizes me as with my SILs. I feel as though I'm competing when I don't have to. I love my DH I just want to keep my head on. I'm going to school but can't work cause of an injury. There is a lot of fighting at home and I feel as though I'm becoming entangled into it because it's stressing me out and I explained that to my husband and I apologise consistently when I become upset or frusterated with his parents. It is very hard to speak to someone you love about someone they love which was hard but I did it. I just want to know how I can avoid being frusterated because it leads to my bf and I arguing. I've told my DH I'm upset with his parents not him and I've wanted to move out because of them and we are very soon. How can I manage my frusteration and resentment with my In-Law?
View related questions:
alcoholic, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2014): Look in your local estate agents or rental agents for a room to rent. Double room in a professional house share and there's your result. You'll be paying for the room and your share of the bills and only your food. You can then save any extra. You won't have the conflict of his family, and it's cheaper than renting a whole house or flat for yourselves.Honestly, you need to speak to your husband without arguing and say quite calmly that this situation is not good for you both as a newly married couple. Instead of saving to buy a house you'll both have to swallow your pride and get out of there as soon as possible even if it means renting a room in a house. I also think his parents are quite right to ask for contribution to the rent, utilities and food. You are a married couple and adults who should be paying your way by now. But they are taking advantage if your are paying for everyone. You will end up hating them, and this could affect your marriage so you need to just get out of there and start afresh!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (2 October 2014):
 if you are already paying rent... I suggest moving out and paying rent somewhere else.
since you are moving soon, I suggest a "this too shall pass" feeling with everything... MIL says something... smile and say to yourself "this soon shall pass" meaning her interaction with you not her...although as active alcoholics they will die sooner rather than later
...............................
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (2 October 2014):
 Living with in-laws is almost always a terrible idea. I've been there. Get out as soon as possible and work out another way to save up money. You cannot live under these conditions any longer.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 October 2014):
 Didn't you say you are moving out very soon ? ...That should help you manage your frustration. Anything unpleasant, even VERY unpleasant, can be weathered out if you know it's just temporary and there's a change coming soon.
Make that " soon " .. as humanly soon as possible. After all, the whole point of living with your in laws was so that you did not have to pay rent and you could save money. This is not happening, so why staying ? In a non- congenial environment too ?...
Not that your in-laws would not be entitled to get rent and utilies from an adult son, IMO: but if they had AGREED to let you stay for free, and then they took their word back- then no, it cannot work. And what is with paying your rent, your utilities... AND also food for everybody , not just your own ? that makes no sense, you are being taken advantage of.
I think your husband may be a bit of a wimp when it comes to his parents and he has not got the guts to stand his ground with them. It's understandable, they are his parents after all... but, in this case, regardless of these parents' bad habits, the only solution is to get away and put some safe distance between you and them. It may mean sharing a place with another couple or other people, or going to live with YOUR parents if they are more manageable, or any other non-ideal, temporary solution until you can afford your ideal solution. But, getting out of where you are now- you must anyway.
...............................
A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (2 October 2014):
 It's two separate issues here. You both decided to move to live with his parents to save money.. if you feel that you are not accomplishing your goal, then I suggest you make plans with your Fiance/Boyfriend to look for another place which would allow you to save up. This should solve your problem and make you 'happier' in this respect.
As for your in-laws. To be honest, they are his family. You need to respect that and try your best to get along with them. To love your DH is also to love his family too.. or you would make it very difficult for your DH. It doesn't mean they have to be your best friends... but try your best to be civil and understand their point of view.
Best of luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (2 October 2014):
 There'no good nswer except to move out! No magic wands exist when it comes to family issues except the waving of the hands in goodbye.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (2 October 2014):
 I can understand where you are coming from on several levels. My husband and I moved in with his mother for about 3 months while we were closing on the house next door to her. It was very stressful for all of us although we tried very hard to be respectful. REMEMBER though..you are a GUEST, its not your home, its not your parents. If you really can't work things out, then move out. They don't hae to change for you, and they aren't going to. Keep in mind what this must be like for your DH (you call him husband and then later call him boyfriend.which is it??)
Maybe you should consider giving up living with them and move into a cheap place for the two of you? get a room mate? move in with your parents for awhile? Sometimes it just truly doesn't work out living with family.
I feel for you trying to live with an alcoholic. I was married to one once. They are very disruptive, selfish people. Don't stay in that type of environment. They cause extreme stress and disruption!
I hope you can work something out. Start brainstorming with your guy.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 October 2014):
 If you parents live close enough for you to go to school from there, then move "home" for a while.
And whenever you two can afford to move out, you both move out from under your parents.
You don't HAVE to live there, it's a choice you and your DH made, so YOU could save money. It's not working out so you need to stop whining and find a solution.
You can't FIX your MIL and FIL, they are who they are.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2014): You're crowded together, and you have little to no room or privacy. You're forgetting you're imposing on your in-laws and using them to save money.
You don't like your in-laws so that heightens your anxiety and amplifies your sensitivities. You're under pressure; because of school and hating everyone around you. If you can't work, then you place the full burden of earning an income on your husband. Is he complaining about that?
If you're living in someone's home for your convenience, they get to set the terms. If they changed after the fact, you have the option to leave; and find a better situation for yourself. They're doing you a favor no matter how much you can't stand them.
You and your DH(dear husband?) need your in-laws. They were doing fine without you. They could have asked you for rent, half for food; including cost of utilities.
This is more about you hating your in-laws than anything else.
How about contacting your own folks, and move into your own family's home?
When you marry someone, their family comes with the package. You're just going to have to suck it up, or find better accommodations for you and your DH.
...............................
|
