A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Over 12 months living together and still no sign of me meeting his kids (teenagers) despite us living with mine (also teenagers).I have asked twice to meet his kids. The first time after about 6 months and again recently. Each time the whole thing blows up in to an argument over my ‘possessive nature’ and strangling him spacially.Everyone keeps telling me there is no hope in a relationship where a man keeps his life so departmentalised (Work, Previous family, Me).Am I just being too sensitive or is there something wrong here? Because it feels like I am a 'dirty little secret'. It took him 9 months of living together before he let me meet his parents. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiontdntuck - honest answer - no. I am degree educated (despite my obvious spelling mistake earlier :) ..) and in full-time work, I have the same 7st figure I had when I was 18yrs old, despite having children, dress well and I am a very good cook. My own children are very proud of me and I am very popular with not only my friends, but my childrens friends too.I don't think he is ashamed of his children either. He often speaks of them, we have their photos up with the rest of the family photos in our home. From what he tells me they are bright, articulate, polite children - he often comments that his son and my son are very alike."anonymous - (could be that they are not keen to meet you?)". After calming down and thinking logically I feel this is more likely the case, as their mother isn't keen on me (no, I did not break up a marriage - they were separated long before we met).Thank you all for your time. We need to sit down and talk about why I still can't meet his children then begin setting a timescale so that I can and they can feel welcome in our home.
A
female
reader, Catflap1 +, writes (1 February 2011):
This is possibly based on fear. Perhaps he thinks keeping his kids from you is best because then they can’t reject you or him. His biggest fear will be losing contact, and maybe, if they were very hurt, it seems easier for him (and them) this way. In addition, his ex wife may make things difficult for him and perhaps he knows it. She could be playing a game in the background, maybe suggesting that she will influence his kids against him if he rubs her nose in it. Maybe his parents will lose contact with their grandchildren if this woman is really difficult.You could try a different tactic. Instead of being blameful why don’t you say “It is obvious that you are really quite afraid to let your children meet us and I understand that. Would you share your fears with me so I can understand them better. I will not do anything to force this situation and I accept it. I will do what I can to help, as and when, you want me to”.Lots of men get into this situation. What do you think it says about his feelings for you? I would say nothing. You know his parents. I am not sure why you must make it an issue. It feels like a threat to him and if he feels threatened both sides I am not surprised he is acting defensively.There is no reason other than I have said that could explain this. Do you suspect he is keeping a foot in both camps? I would think that unlikely. I would not dispose of the relationship, try to understand what is happening better and if your home life is otherwise happy, let it go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): It is definately strange that, after a year, you have not met his kids. Don't let him put you down over this. If there is a reason (could be that they are not keen to meet you?) then he must tell you why. He sounds a little controlling to me. Whatever you do, do not let him make out that you are 'strangling' him - it is normal to want to meet your partners children/family. I think he may have an issue with opening up his life to you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (1 February 2011):
I have to say, given that it's been over a year and they're teenagers, you should have met them by now. There is something wrong here. Worse is his reaction, which is very over-the-top. You wanting to meet his kids after a year is not 'possessive' or 'strangling him specially'.
I think you're being hidden by him, just as you think. And I don't think that's unacceptable. His excuses are poor. I think you might need to sit and really think about this relationship.
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A
female
reader, tdntuck  +, writes (1 February 2011):
 Perhaps he's not proud of something about you, is there anything about you he could be ashamed of? Vice versa, he could be lacking pride in his children and embarrassed to introduce you to them.
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