A
male
age
41-50,
*ruce lee
writes:I am at a stage of life where I am not sure what to do. I am not in a relationship at the moment and I have never been approached by a woman ever. And I have been rejected a few times before. The question is...How do relationships often turn out if one person is on medication and has depression?I am not angry with the world anymore. I just feel nervous sometimes. What should I do? The Doctors say I might be on anti-depressants and anti-psychotic medication for the rest of my life.I am worried that the woman will also feel nervous and will not want to be with a guy who has psychological problems. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): I am currently interested in a guy who is bipolar. I am not supposed to know about it, but mutual friend informed me about it.
The last time I spent the night at his place, I saw that he had taken extra care to tidy up his bathroom and keep his meds out of sight. (I didn't go looking for them though.)
I suspect from his general outlook on life, that he is probably ashamed of it and hates the label... But, I know at least two other bipolar people and several "depressed people" apart from him and they are both happily married.
As long as you are upfront and open (when the appropriate time comes) you don't need to worry about it. I don't think it's really a big deal.
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male
reader, Boris Grushenko  +, writes (1 February 2011):
 I've been suffering from depressions for the last 15 years. I've taken SSRI's (the prozac-like drugs) and suffered from side effects very badly. At some point, I swore I would never take an antidepressant again.
I met a wonderful girl in one of my good episodes. We became friends first and by the time we started dating, she knew she was dating a depression (that's how I saw myself). I tried to hide my dark, sinister side but she's a doctor ... she just knew. But still she chose to stand by me even when it was still easy to walk out on me.
I guess this means "yes, it's possible to start and have a relationship when you're (or have been) suffering from depression"
Despite my reservations, I've started to take medication again but they are not SSRI's. This was my personal choice, not my psychiatrist's: I've always been clear about how I think/thought about antidepressants and I believe that with the right arguments, no (good) psychiatrist will force you to take any pill if it's not stricly necessary.
At this moment I've more or less changed my point of view on medication: why should it be any more shameful to take, for instance, an antidepressant if there are probably more people that take pills to regulate their cholesterol-levels or blood-pressure?
You know where your depression came from, it's not your choice, it's a disease and in a way not different from the flue. Although I must admit that there is still a stigma on psychological problems.
I don't know if you are currently seeing a therapist but I must say that the behavioral therapist I've been seeing for years was a great coach (without him, I would probably still be single) when we were still dating. I think LiG's advice is spot on but there is some extra advice I can give you though ...
Don't scream out loud that you are suffering from depressions (believe me, I've tried it numerous times, it's the greatest spoiler ever).
Know what makes you feel good or, even more important, bad. For me, alcohol - even a single glass- often triggers a mood shift or anxiety so I don't drink.
It's always a good idea to give yourself a boost before you go out. If you feel great talking to your sister, pay her a visit. If sports make you feel good, go running, cycling or whatever it is that makes you tick (and don't forget to take a shower before you go out ;-) ) If you ... well, I guess it's really up to you to decide what will work best.
Don't put too much strain on yourself: you might have a friend that you can trust, you know, the kind of friend that you can depend really on. He (or she) can be a great support when you're insecure. But be careful with what you tell others, becoming the talk of the town might cause some extra stress.
Be patient, a doctor once told me that you will have your best relationship with your best friend. So take your time to become best friends in the first place.
As for my relationship: at this moment, my girlfriend is my only motivation to try and get out of this crisis again. I feel incredibly guilty about the way I feel (that doesn't help me) but my girlfriend tends to forget about the bad times and remember the good times while for me, it's the other way around (that's probably why I ended up in this shit in the first place). For her there's no need to feel guilty about anything at all. I think we've even become closer during the last 5 months. But chigirl is right: a relationship is not just you ...
But I must warn you to stand prepared. I was not in a depression when we started our relationship; I was, for a instant, the happiest person on earth. It's in the nature of a relationship that you will have to think about some of the "big items in life". This can be quite confronting.
I believe that the help of a good (i.e. one that you get along with very well) psychiatrist, psycholgist, analyst or whatever brand of therapy you choose is very important though. Bear in mind that total honesty is a conditio sine qua non in getting out of a depression (or in avoiding the next one): sometimes you'll come to conclusions that are quite shocking. You might have a secret that you want to keep for yourself ... this is the place to talk about it. I personally believe that if you're hiding anything from a therapist, you could just as well not go.
Overcoming your depression will make it easier to find "the right one". A profound insight in how your mind works is as essential in dealing with the trials and tribulations that come with even the finest relationship as it is in becoming a happy single.
I'm currently reading "The Compassionate Mind" by Paul Gilbert. It's a read that I would recommend to anyone.
To end on a positive note: when I met my girlfriend two years ago, I was not depressed. I would, at the time, have described myself as not an unhappy person.
Even though I'm in my third major depression now, I really experience moments of happiness ...
Hang on (there's a door up ahead, not a wall)!
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female
reader, FloridaCatGirl  +, writes (1 February 2011):
 I have a friend that I have known for several years who is being treated with anti-depressants and anti-psychotics as well. He is a great guy... highly intelligent, witty, and funny. Several years ago, he had a bad break up, which led to severe depression, and ultimately, he attempted suicide. That's why he is now being medicated. He is doing very well, and is getting his life back together again. As far as women are concerned, his problems have not kept him from finding girlfriends, so don't be discouraged!
I absolutely loved Annalisa's advice, but I do want to caution you in one area. Do not stop taking your medication unless your doctor tells you to do so. I cannot stress this enough. According to the WebMD website, researchers have discovered biological causes for depression. I won't bore you with the details, but check out the following link and specifically take note of the section entitled, "How Is Biology Related to Depression?"
http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/causes-depression
This is the reason why some people require medication in addition to therapy. If you have to take meds for life... so be it, it's not the end of the world!
Have you discussed your concerns about dating with your therapist? Everyone is nervous when dating, but your counselor can help you deal with any problems regarding your anxieties. Never be too embarrassed to speak up and voice your concerns.
Please keep us updated and stay positive! Good luck!
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reader, LiG +, writes (1 February 2011):
I have severe depression and I am in a very healthy relationship with my boyfriend. He is amazing and very understanding. When we first met, he was very willing to listen to what was on my mind, even if I didn't want to share it (for fear of scaring him away). I found out that it hurt him more when I didn't share my problems with him. Now, not everyone is the same. A woman may not want to be your part-time counselor. However, if she really cares about you, she will want you to get help and it won't bother her that you're on medication for a month or the rest of your life (or going to a counselor, whatever works for you). First things first: I hope you get help for your depression. I'm currently in the process of getting help for mine (thanks to all the support from my boyfriend). When you get yourself sorted, you may find that women will be more interested. Confidence is a big thing, and depression rips it all away. Trust me, I know. Anyway, here's what I recommend:1. Seek medical help for your depression, because you won't want to live with it having free reign over your brain.2. Don't give up on the dating scene! Persistence has its rewards (however, I found that once I stopped looking, the perfect person found me instead).3. After you find someone, or she finds you, get to know each other and slowly introduce her to the fact that you have depression (you wouldn't go on a first date and tell a woman that you have to pee several times during the night, right?)4. Assure her that you want to keep/make yourself a better person (not only for your sake), but for her as well. Honesty is key and if you're unwilling to be honest, you'll have problems in the long run.Good luck and don't forget to update! :)
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 February 2011):
 I would say it is possible for a relationship to work out, but not with just about anyone. First off you need to establish a lot of trust and a good friendship. And you will have to be open and honest about your depression, and be willing to talk about it and share things with your girlfriend. A relationship will turn serious very fast, so again, be careful with whom you start a relationship with. You don't want to open up to a person who isn't going to respect your privacy or secrets.
But being honest is fatal, as a woman is not only dating you, but will also have to deal with your depression. Whether or not she can do that depends on how your depression acts out, how well you cope in society and with daily life, and how well she understands and can compromise on your limitations.
Another thing is that for a depressed person it is easy to turn selfish and not "see" other people, or be able to show care for another person. If you are unable to cherish and care for another person then you will be unable to have a relationship. You need to be honest with yourself when it comes to that, and know that it is not fair to any girlfriend of yours to neglect her and only care about yourself. A relationship can work only if you are able to give to the relationship.
Depressions vary a lot. Knowing your own depression, how it acts out, in what areas it limits you, and in what areas it does not limit you, is crucial. You need to be honest with yourself about this, and be honest with any girlfriend.
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