A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice on whether it's best to follow head or heart when making a decision about an unplanned pregnancy, please :(I found out at the doctor's today I'm 2-3 weeks pregnant, unplanned, and a big surprise as I have been taking the contraceptive pill.I've been with my bf 9 months, and things are great between us. We don't live together, but he's talked about us moving in, getting married and having children in the next year or two, which made me really happy :)So, I told him as soon as I got home from the surgery, and I think he thinks it is too soon-he would've liked us to move in, get married and then have children. I kinda agree. We've decided to take some time to think things through individually before we make a decision about whether to continue with the pregnancy, but I'm finding this really hard.It's the first time I've ever been pregnant, and my heart is telling me we've been blessed and that we may not be so lucky ever again in the future, and that I don't want any harm to come to our baby (even if it is just a bunch of cells at the moment). My head says it is too soon, we don't have time to find somewhere to live together and to get married (which shouldn't be rushed anyway, right?), that it would put a big strain on our relationship and that, as I had no plans to become pregnant, I wasn't taking folic acid/doing all the things that you're meant to do, so haven't given our baby the best start in life.We need to make our decision in the next few days. I think my bf probably would be happier if I have a termination and try for a baby after a year or two instead. Part of me thinks that is right too, but I find it heartbreaking to think of harming our baby.Should I listen to my head or my heart???Thanks.P.S. I posted a question about breaking my pregnancy news to my bf yesterday, and am grateful to the answers I was given-thanks. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, hopeFUL_romantic_13  +, writes (23 June 2011):
I agree with everyone else here when I say LISTEN TO YOUR HEART!! You never know when and if you might be blessed again. If your boyfriend doesn't want to have the baby so soon, don't fret. This child is in YOUR stomach so you have the final say. Besides he could be having a case of jitters. Lots of men are nervous and scared during the first pregnancy, but once they hold that child in their arms, he turn into big, soft, gleeful teddy bears. If you want this baby, HAVE IT. It's a blessing when another child is brought into the world.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011):
Once you are pregnant at the wrong time, all 3 options are going to involve some emotional pain. You will also be second-guessing your decision for years to come no matter which one you choose.
So don't turn down any of the options just because it will involve some pain and uncertainty. Do what is best in the long run.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (23 June 2011):
 I agree 100% with the first poster. I was thinking the same exact thing. If you are going to be getting married and living together in the future, why would it matter to just have it happen a little sooner? I think when it became an actuality rather than just chatting about what could happen, it scared him and he isn't positive he is ready for all the committment at this very moment. I'm sorry but I personally find that to be very selfish. The idea to terminate the baby is soley because of your relationship and how you aren't serious enough yet? It is a baby. I know that you feel the same way because of how you feel already towards it.
Since you do want to keep your baby, I am sure you will make the right choice. I can't imagine the regret you would feel if you did terminate this pregnancy. A man who plans to marry you should be by your side in moments like this. Yes it is unplanned, but it shouldn't be like this. A lot of people have unplanned pregnancies and it ends up being the best thing to happen to their life. Stick with your heart and your gut, it is a blessing and don't give it up. Especially without damn good reason.
Oh and also, don't worry about the start of the pregnancy. It has only been 2 weeks, it would be impossible pretty much for anyone to know the minute they are pregnant and begin vitamins etc. Start to take care of yourself now. It will be fine.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): If I'm really honest I'm not as airy-fairy as most people when it comes to this topic (e.g it's a blessing, a gift from god, a precious bunch of cells etc) I can see that abortion has it's place. However from what I'm reading it sounds like you do want this baby and I think you will regret it big time should you have an abortion. Your only reason for it being it's a little sooner than you would have liked (opposed to I'm homeless, on benefits, a drug/alcohol addict) You also come across as fairly mature and have thought about how this will affect you (which sadly isn't as common in new mothers as one might hope) so I'm pretty sure you'll be alright, even if it comes to the absolute worst and you and your partner don't remain together.
Other things to take into account are (for and against) - your fertility will really drop after 33 and you will find it much harder to get pregnant. You have only been with your partner for 9 months and you haven't even lived together yet so there's no guarantee it will work out and you have to accept it's a possibilty you will be raising him/her on your own.
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A
male
reader, freeme +, writes (23 June 2011):
 Keep the baby and don't regret it. Don't assume it won't be without its challenges, but you have love and you have health. That baby needs you, even if it requires you to take a leap of faith. Follow your heart. Life doesn't always follow the script you write for it. You have to improvise. Good Luck to you and your new family.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): I would keep my baby!!! Its your first pregnancy and a blessing. I'm almost in the same boat but I'm definetly not considering abortion...Evidentally god thinks its time...when is the right time to have a baby???? You'll make the right decison, keep us posted...
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): .... Listen to your heart.. I've had a miscariage and it hurts soo much emotionaly. I know I wasn't ready to have a child but I was willing to take this big step for my baby.. If it hurts you to not give your child a chance, you will have to live with the guilt later on. A man usually doesn't feel the way you do about it. Mine did. It hurt him very badly that we lost our baby but if yours doesn't agree with you, follow YOUR heart. Now you're sharing it with a baby too. Even if you have to give him/her up for adoption. In my opinion, you don't have to but if it was up to me I would keep him/her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): I think you should keep the baby. The baby will always be with you even if hes not in the future. Since you are 30-35 your fertility is going down. You may not be able to get pregnant again. Don't do what he wants, do what you want. Its your body and its your choice. Lisen to him to get him opinion but you have to final say. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Bartholomeusvan  +, writes (22 June 2011):
Hi i think you are very blessed! a baby is a big big decission but its a gift .I myself think abortion is wrong.some people believe life begins at contraception .i see your from ireland! ive many friends from there and i think it is illegal in your country so you may have to go to the uk. but all im saying is listen to your heart .A baby is a part of you if your boyfriend cant see this as a good thing is he really the guy you want to be with?weather he wants it or not its your body and you have the right to decide what you want done .also every child should be wanted whats the point it geting rid of a little human being that one day could be a schlolar a best friend to you a person to mind you look up to you see you as there mother :) you'll look back at this in two years and think why did i get rid of it listen to your heart not your boyfriend. I wish you the best life with you and whoever may enter your future and congrats ! :) xox
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (22 June 2011):
 "I think my bf probably would be happier if I have a termination and try for a baby after a year or two instead."
You think he would be happier... don't presume to think you know what he thinks. You've both agreed to think about this individually... so how about you think about this individually.
What do YOU want?? Don't think about what you think HE wants or what seems most convenient for your relationship. Babies aren't convenient, they're a blessing... an often inconvenient blessing.
I've known single mothers who've unknowingly whilst pregnant, boozed up, smoked, partied, done drugs, eat crapily, yet still churn out perfectly healthy, intelligent children. Yet the healthiest woman I know was the one who ended up with an unhealthy child. People in the dark ages who ate rats and turnips were still perfectly capable of having a healthy baby, so don't let your lack of nutritional preparation sway your decision.
I say follow your heart on this one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): another option is to go through with the pregnancy, and give the baby up for adoption if by the time of birth ( 9 months from now) you two are still not feeling good about the other parts of your relationship/life. just because you're not ready for a baby, doesn't mean the only option is to terminate the pregnancy.
my feeling is that since your bf and you were planning to get married and have kids in the near future anyway, that just moving up the timing by a year isn't a huge deal. It's not like your future life plans are completely derailed because you're pregnant now. In fact to me it almost seems a non-issue to move up your plans ahead of time by just one year. It's not like you and him were not even discussing marriage at all and now you're pregnant (which was the case with my parents when my mom got pregnant with me! they've been married 40 years now). It's not like you were discussing marriage and kids but for 10 years time because there's lots of other things he wanted to do first. Instead we're talking only one year's time difference. could it be that his concern is due to the fact that a pregnancy now makes the commitment "real" and concrete whereas before the commitment - even though set for the near future - was technically still abstract?
in other words, I don't think that a year or two makes a difference to your life plans as a couple if you were already planning to do this anyway. but if you're over 30, a year or two COULD make a difference to your fertility, biologically.
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