A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello, i am dutch from the netherlands,i am new to this internet site and also please excuse my english.i was married 15 years ago but split up as my Ex wife did not love me as she fell for someone else .i have two kids both boys who are 12 and 13 me and my ex wife split up when my youngest boy was a baby she is not in the picture and so i took care of the boys myself while she moved on with her life . i then went out to look for job and became an accountant as i had a degree in it this was 10 years ago i am now there happy working ten years! A woman who is now one of my best friend joined my working place 2 years ago and we are so close .she is not dutch she is from over seas in ireland and spent time in england also.but is irish.She told me all of herself all her past and i know all about her and visa versa .we started as friends to best friends but now i love her and at first i didnt want to believe that i did but i do i want to be with her .me and my boys like her i spoke of her to them and they like her as we meet up some weekends infact she also babysits when i need the help.My boys are ok if i did start a relationship with a woman i told them that i would always be with them and take special care no matter what .i just want a woman in my life to make me more happy i love my sons and would never leave them out.i have deep feelings for this woman for over 10 months now and i wish she could see i liked her i have dropped many hints.she did kiss me once but we were drunk at the time so i dont think it meant anything.How do i know she might like to join me and my family i think it would be beautiful to have her as a part of me and my boys because she is caring beautiful and funny and i think she is just so perfect in everyway!I have never touched or had a relationship with a woman since my Ex wife and this new woman is the first that i have ever grown feelings for. How do i tell her i love her and want her? Thank you for all your time .
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female
reader, WolfEyes  +, writes (23 June 2011):
 I can relate to your situation, though I have never been married. My best advice is to watch her body language to see how she feels. If she reaches out and touches you, whether it is on your arm, your hand, leg, or where ever, it means she likes you in some way. If she is touching her face, body is turned towards you, that is a good sign.
Be gentle yet firm when you do tell her how you feel, if you come on too strong it may scare her away, but if you are too timid she might see that as a negative thing as well.
You are the best judge on how to approach her and let her know, you'll know best what she is comfortable with.
All I can say is good luck and I hope it works out between you two.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): Do not tell her you love her. I would casually bring up the idea of relationships and what she sees for herself. Just share some thoughts around that but be honest yet NOT direct. I would take this subtle approach so you do not come off direct and she rejects the idea of having you as something more than just friends. Be honest with your feelings and her. Openly discuss relationships and gage it from there. If it is positive, ask her out, make sure she knows its a date and not just two friends hanging out. I wish you the best of luck! :)
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A
male
reader, Wheeler  +, writes (23 June 2011):
 First of all, I have a question about the ten years since your wife left.
You stated that you have not only not dated during that time, but not even been interested in anyone else. Is there a reason why? I ask because whenever someone goes through an extended period of time without dating or being in a relationship there are usually very specific reasons. And knowing some of these reasons will be very helpful to us as we analyze your situation.
Another reason I ask is because how you believe you are acting toward her and how she perceives your actions could be worlds apart. You believe you indicated interest to her on many occasions, but that is entirely a matter of perspective.
And let me digress a moment regarding perspective. I have come to believe that having perspective is SO important in every part of life. Gaining perspective should be high on the list of priorities. Knowing how your actions and experiences compare to others will give you an infinitely greater understanding of the world around you, and of how others may perceive you.
For instance, if she is from a large extended Italian family, gestures such as a kiss on the cheek, briefly holding hands, terms of endearment, etc. may be so commonplace that they would never "stick out" or register in her mind as an indication of deeper feelings.
Or maybe she has a close guy friend or two that are more affectionate than "usual", who do the same thing but it does not mean they are anything more than friends.
One thing to be careful about is that you not build up the nature of y'alls relationship in your own mind any further than what you have discussed with her. And if you have that is okay, we ALL tend to do that when we have feelings for someone else. That is how the mind works.
At some point, you will have to have a serious discussion with her. Before you do that, you must be mentally and emotionally prepared for the process, regardless of outcome. And you should know that, because you two have such a strong friendship, she may be hesitant to ruin that.
***Please read this: Have peace in knowing that even if she is hesitant or even says she does not have the same feelings for you, it is not the end!!! And what I mean is that it is not the end of any chance the two of you WILL be together.***
Now, I don't mean that if she says no it is time for Plan B, which involves hiding in the bushes. :-)
When you tell her about your feelings, it really may be the first time she realizes it. And that is a lot to consider under any circumstance. So, if at first she hesitates or says no, don't freak out! The two of you have a stro ng friendship for a reason. After she has time to think about it she may realize it is what she wants.
I only say all of that in the case that she doesn't say yes. You need to be prepared for that just as much as if she does say yes.
In summary, the approach I suggest is that you not ask (in words or in demeanor) for an answer immediately. Rather, just make your feelings known to her. Let her know that this is something you have given a lot of consideration to before deciding to tell her.
Also, VERY IMPORTANT, I would really be careful about telling her you love her at first. In fact, I don't recommend it. Telling someone you love them for the first time is a BIG STEP for a lot of people. And it may be too much to start out with.
Instead, let her know about your feelings. Let her know that if she needs time to think about it you understand. The less you put on her at the same time the better.
And even if she says yes, give it some time before you tell her you are in love with her.
My thoughts may be different than others about this, but I know that telling someone you love them can be HUGE to some people. For me, I would only want someone to tell me they are in love with me after we have been together long enough for that person to really know who I am. When someone doesn't know me that well, and they tell me they are in love with me, I wonder why. How could they genuinely say they are in love with someone they don't know well enough to make that judgment? It speaks more to infatuation than true love. And that goes back to what I said earlier about building up the relationship in your own mind as something much greater or deeper than it really is.
Some people throw around the word "love" way to loosely. I don't play that game.
I really hope to hear more from you at some point. Keep us in the loop.
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