A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:In November, I slept with a co-worker. I'm married and I know I screwed up. Right after it happened, I felt guilty and told her that it would never happen again.Well, my wife works with us, and the co-worker has been dropping hints left and right. She's been acting very strange around me, and saying things about how "snippy and frigid" my wife is and how she is so much hotter. I told her to drop it, but she constantly finds ways to be around me. I don't know what to do. I know I got myself into this mess, but I feel like I'm drowning in this. I don't see any good way out. I don't want to tell my wife because it will never happen again, but this girl seems to be going off the deep end.
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female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (24 January 2011):
 Thanks for the update! You are making the right decision. There is too much of a chance your wife will find out about the affair from this woman or other co-workers. Has this woman told any of your co-workers? You might want to find this out.
What are you going to say to the co-worker? You need to make it absolutely clear to her that you made a mistake, you are sorry if you hurt her feelings, but you are not interested in her, you are in love with your wife, and this will never happen again. She needs to get the point, so she can get over you and move on with her own life. Right now... she is holding onto the hope that you will leave your wife for her. Also, she needs to stop making any rude comments about your wife. In fact, you should ask tell this co-worker that you never want this subject brought up again after your discussion.
As for your wife... make sure you tell her this was a horrible mistake and you are willing to do anything to gain her trust back... marriage counseling, etc. Understand, she will be upset... but you need to let her vent her feelings. Is it possible for you to avoid this co-worker at work, or move to a different department, or get another job altogether?
Please let us know what happens! Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): well to put it bluntly your co worker should have known better than to open her legs to a married man. yes, i guess people feel sorry for her but i don't. She knew what she was getting into, so she knew she was going to be used sexually. (i know i am hard with my take on this).it will teach her to mess with married men in future. it is a reality that MM like you, indulge in the forbidden sexual encounters and then cry wolf when their stink comes out. so in future, zip up and only take it out when you are with your wife.instead of feeling sorry for the sex pest think about your wife and the hurt she will go through. i say ignore the office sl*t, she deserves all that she got. (sorry i am being a *itch) why must she garner sympathy for being used, when she messed with a MM in the first place. no one forced her. i think the sympathy should be kept for the wife whose world is going to come crashing dowm. seems like only our OP benefitted from his sexual encounter. a rude awakening for all???LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): Hey all. Sorry I’m not making an account or verified or whatever it is called on here. But I just wanted to say thank you all for the responses. Especially the insight into the co-worker’s behavior. My wife is basically the opposite of this girl, not crazy in any way shape or form. Anyway, you guys offered me a harsh reality check. And you are all right. I’ve been sitting with this guilt for two months now and it’s time to own up to my mistakes. I fucked up and now I have to deal with the consequences. I plan on telling my wife tomorrow. And I plan on asking the co-worker to sit down and talk with me. I owe her an apology. You brought up a good point that she probably feels used and is angry. I mean she seemed ok with me telling her it would never happen again, but obviously her opinion on that has changed. I think someone asked if she is a subordinate, and no she is not. We have been co-workers and friends for a long time. I actually knew her before my wife. I guess you could say we have history, but she has never acted this erratic before. I’m sick of sweating it out at work, while she drops hints left and right about my performance at work…yes she actually said something like that. I know it sounds like a bad movie. That’s how my life has turned out and its because I couldn’t control myself during a rough patch in my marriage. But my wife will know the truth soon and hopefully the coworker and I can talk this out. Thanks for the responses again, I will keep you posted.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): You're really sweating right now- your safe married life almost hanging at the threads???You have 2 choices: either the destructive F buddy tells your wife or you do. Very simple. No fuss. The truth is going to come out.it is only a matter of time. Your F buddy would have told her friends or even dropped hints. Your colleagues are not fools, they know something is up.This woman will not come right out and tell your wife you had sex with her. She will be nasty to your wife. Make sarcastic remarks. Belittle your wife in front of others. She will intimate that she had sex with you and she will be cryptic. Basically what she is doing with you. Wait it doesn't stop there. She will 'brag' that your wife cannot keep her hb. She will even try to befriend your wife. Can you see a sick game forming.I am sure you have kids as well. Do u want this sick woman to interfere in your kids lives as well? Well you know what to do then.Don't think your secret is safe and it will never come out. The stink always comes out, esp. When you least expect it.So u make the decision to come clean to your wife. Don't make excuses that u don't know why you slept with this woman, or it meant nothing or you never thought she would 'blackmail' you. Right now you are allowing this woman to shred your wifes dignity, smear her good name and make degrading remarks about her. If you let her continue in this matter then get the hell out of your wifes life. Sorry to be blunt but if you have no 8alls to PROTECT your wife, then what the hell are you doing with her. It means that you are deliberately contributing to your wifes downfall and that you are weak. So break the vicious cycle and tell your wife what is happening. If you care anything for your wife you need to man up and speak the truth. Or else this woman will make your wifes life miserable as well. But in all this,please zip your pants up and stop f*cking around at work. Your nightmare is about to become a reality. Imagine if your wife also starts something on the sly as well. Will serve you right as well.LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): She might have to leave the job, or she might tell everyone there and you have to leave. If she still has to look at the woman you slept with everyday at work then she won't be able to heal.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): This girl is obviously still interested in having you and is jealous of your wife.
You're just going to have to suffer on that's it.
You've told this girl to stop and she won't. If you try and have a talk and completely reject her then you're screwed because I think the only reason she hasn't told everyone including your wife is because she still wants a chance. If she's feeling rejected now then you don't want to know what will happen if you make it clear nothing will happen, she will have nothing to lose.
You just have to keep being diplomatic and try and balance this.
Normally I would say tell your wife, because that is the right thing to do. But if the 3 of you work together the chances of that working out are almost zero. She might have to leave the job, or she might tell everyone there and you have to leave. If she still has to look at the woman you slept with everyday at work then she won't be able to heal.
You actually can't do anything here but lose, so you just have to swim in this crap and hope something, some bit of luck some event solves all this because frankly there's nothing you can do but make this worse. The only thing that could possibly work is if you keep this other girl sweet and she gets bored and finds someone else and leaves you alone, so you just have to tolerate the situation and hope something like that happens.
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A
female
reader, herzschmerz +, writes (22 January 2011):
well, i guess you 'd always have one more option, if you really want to make things work with your wife and it really was just a one time mess up. even though you should be truthful with your wife, and tell her what happened you could also tell your wife that this woman you both work with has been acting flirty around you and you feel really uncomfortable around her, and you're scared that she wants you so bad that she might make up stuff that happened between you guys. that way your wife will be somewhat prepared to hear what you think might be happening soon.
i mean it's really shitty what you did, and i am not excusing your behavior whatsoever, but sometimes you'll have to use emergency lies to keep you out of trouble no matter how.
good luck,
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): Only way out of this is to tell your wife. Because this woman you slept with sounds a bit like a bunny boiler and you have hurt her feelings! She will tell your wife so its up too you how your wife finds out?
From bunny boiler or you?
You messed up big time and learnt a good lesson. Your marriage will properly be over now. When that woman tell your wife she will tell her everything, about the sex, what you said too her. Your wife will never forget it.
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (22 January 2011):
Wow, you could be a poster boy for why married people should not sleep with co-workers (or anyone else, for that matter). Man, you were just asking for a sledgehammer upside your head, and it looks like your little foxy lady is about to bring that hammer down.
The best way out, is through. You have to come clean to your wife. It's not only the proper thing to do, but it takes away foxy lady's ammunition against you. The next thing you may consider doing if she doesn't let up is to go to HR and tell them to have a talk with foxy lady. She needs to understand that her continuing with this thing may cost her a job. Understand, however, that you too have opened yourself up to charges of sexual harassment. I truly hope this woman is not a subordinate. If she is, well that just adds to the problem.
In the meantime, avoid her like the plague. Don't be rude. Be professional. But don't spend any time at all alone with her.
Oh...and you don't get off that easy with me. You glibly acknowledge that you screwed up. Screwed up? Forgetting to take out the garbage is considered a screw-up. Talk about understatement. Your selfishness and inability to control yourself has created a looming shitstorm that threatens to engulf not only your wife, but both of your jobs! Was this woman really that freakin' hot that you couldn't just step away?? Unless she's J-Lo's twin, my guess is no. Start acting like the adult your age professes you to be. And, start treating your wife with the respect she deserves. Get counseling, do whatever. But get your act together and understand that what you do does affect other people. There are consequences. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): This girl obviously feels she was used and tossed aside. Did you deal with the situation sensitively with her? You can only have a conversation with her that takes the heat out of the situation. Something that tells her that it was not a personal thing but as you are married - you got into a situation that was out of bounds. If she understands she may back off on the comments. Otherwise I feel you will have to tell your wife before she gets wise to it via the girls comments.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): Hi. She might be calling your bluff. Do not tell your wife unelss you really have too. If I was you , I would have a very firm word with her. Let her know that you have had enough, and that you wil leave your job if this continues. She won;t want that, as she wants to see you everyday. Tell her in no uncertain terms that if she contiunes, it is sexualy harrasment in the first place. It seems she wants more of you. Tell her you are thinking of looking for another job. That should frighten her. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (22 January 2011):
you're right that you got yourself into this mess and that there's no good way out.So, the best you can do is to "man up" and tell your wife that you've slept with this co-worker. And take whatever consequences are coming your way. If you don't tell your wife very soon, your co-worker will, at some point. Your marriage is not your co-worker's business so don't expect her to keep her mouth shut out of concern for your marriage. You did sleep with her after all, so that means you made a decision about your marriage, supposedly....It's better if your wife gets the news from you, than from her.If your wife hears the news from you, she'll of course be hurt and angry beyond recognition that you cheated on her. But if she hears it from your co-worker or anyone else, she'll also be angry that you tried to cover it up, on top of that. She'll then think that you're not only a cheater but also a liar and coward.It's best if she thinks you're just a cheater, rather than a cheater AND a coward.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): You sit on a time bomb. Tell your wife. No other option. Bad all of u work same place.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): This woman will tell your wife, most likely she has already told other people at work about what happened. Its just a matter of time before something makes its way to your wife.You used her and then chucked her. She had every right to be angry. You need to do some serious apologizing to her and to your wife.
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (22 January 2011):
Your co-worker is feeling rejected and angry. If her feelings build up, she will likely say something to your wife. As hard as this may be, it is best that your wife hear the news from you, instead of your co-worker. Yes, your wife will feel betrayed, but she is much more apt to forgive you, if she hears it from you... rather than this other woman. There is too much of a chance that this woman may tell other co-workers and it will make it's way back to your wife. Do you think you will be able to tell your wife what happened?
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (22 January 2011):
Your co-worker is feeling rejected and angry. If her feelings build up, she will likely say something to your wife. As hard as this may be, it is best that your wife hear the news from you, instead of your co-worker. Yes, your wife will feel betrayed, but she is much more apt to forgive you, if she hears it from you... rather than this other woman. There is too much of a chance that this woman may tell other co-workers and it will make it's way back to your wife. Do you think you will be able to tell your wife what happened?
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (22 January 2011):
 It sounds like your fling is trying to make your life miserable by reminding you of your past.
It's probably time to set her straight and tell her it's over -- if you haven't done so already. Tell her that you are recommitted to your wife and that why she is special, what you did hurt your wife tremendously and that you need to end if -- for good.
If she crosses the line on anything unprofessional, it may be time to talk to someone in HR about possible sexual harassment. Telling you that your wife is frigid and that she would be better, is harassment and she could be fired for it. Start keeping a list of offenses and keep your HR rep in the loop.
One other way to deal with it is have your wife set her straight or you find another employer.
Good luck with things!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): haha ive been in your shoes befor ..well kinda i was the 19 year old housekeeping and he was the maintence man ..getting a picture.well i thought after we had sex he was going to leave his wife for meand we would go on vacation ... but after i said some snottie coments about his wife. he said . i love my wife im not going to do anything to hurt her and i want to stay with her . can we do this .i got really quiet and said ok .thinking to my self,he used me . what kind of relationship is this . i was housekeeping for 5 years there no relationship just friendship and when we need to get off we use eachother wer still in toutch.its good to know someone whos (clean*diease and drug free-safe) when your on a break- in between relationships .my other half never found out neither did his ...your only in trouble if you get caute*what your wife dosent know wont hurt her.dont tell best of luck
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A
male
reader, RayBones +, writes (22 January 2011):
 I think the reason you don't see a good way out is because there isn't one.
No shortcuts on this one. I think you should ask yourself: How do you want your wife to find out?
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A
female
reader, wordwhale +, writes (22 January 2011):
I hate to tell you this, but you have only two options in this situation:1. Tell your wife what happened2. Somehow convince your wife to quit or find another job#2 is probably not financially feasible and will leave her with a lot of questions. #1 is what you're going to have to do.I'm a woman, but I'm unique in that I think like a man (but I don't look like one; I'm girly and hot). Every guy I've ever met has said that they've never met a woman who thinks like a man as much as I do and understands women as much as I do. That's because I've dated men and women. I'm telling you all this to say that this chick sounds like she's about to get all crazy on you and the last thing you want to happen is for her to get crazy. Chicks are crazy. Chicks on the side are crazier. This chick's a ticking time bomb waiting to blow schrapnel into every aspect of your life and there's nothing--I repeat--NOTHING--you can do to disarm her. She's a woman in a boxing match with your wife and she's just getting warmed up in the ring.I know what you're probably thinking "If I just reason with her, explain that this was all a mistake, me and my wife were going through a rocky period...I just got caught up in the fantasy. I needed an outlet, an escape...she'll understand. We're adults." Sorry. She will never think like that. Why? Because she's a woman. And when women feel like they're in competition with another woman they get extremely irrational. It's the law of nature and it's brutal.The only way you can stop her is to conduct a preemptive strike and tell your wife first. I know you don't want to do it, but if you don't, IT'S GOING TO GET WORSE! And it could get worse really fast. She's in close proximity to your wife, which is never good. She's got waaay too much access. It's going to be hard, but you must tell her. If you attend a church or other religious group, I suggest that you tell her with the help of your minister or someone like that. You'll have to humble yourself to her. You may have to renew your vows. But you've got to do it. It's going to be hard, and you two are going to be tested like hell, but you've got to strike and you've got to strike now. Because if you don't get to your wife first, this crazy chick will.
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