A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been separated a couple weeks now. We decided we needed to separate when it didn't seem like things were getting better at home. He is not sure what he wants and I have been willing and ready to work through our problems. He is not happy but I understand his issues and have explained mine. He has said to me before he thinks that if he came back things would eventually but back around to where we are now. The point of fixing the marriage is to fix the problems not ignore them which is what we have done for the 3 years we've been married. So the separation has been hard for both of us. I can tell he has been hurting and he told me that leaving was very hard. But when we see each other it's good. In fact we have seen each other more in the last 2 weeks than we did before. And the time we send together is great. We talk more than we did before and not just before when things were bad I mean before when I didn't even know he was hurting (by the way since the issues have arisen the time he has been unhappy has gotten worse he started off it was April when he started being unhappy now he claims before Christmas 2009.) things actually seem better like this could actually work. I know 2 weeks is not enough time to truly gauge for either of us. There are still feelings to work through that both of us need to dwell on. Unfortunately I suspect he has cheated on me. I know the woman. He claims she is just a friend but I know it's more than that. I'm not sure that it is physical. He swears he's not cheating. But I know it is an emotional affair. But he is very stubborn and doesn't believe in psychological crap (counseling is of course out of the question) so he does not know or think an emotional affair is possible or even exists. This is why I suspect he doesn't even think he is wrong. And why he continues to swear it's not an affair. So knowing this and I have done plenty of reading and my own thinking I told him that he needed to end the relationship with this woman. At first he was mad. He sees it as me telling him who he can be friends with. Which is BS but we won't get into that. I told him point blank you being friends with her hurts and you can't have both. This woman is basically the only one of his friends who knows we are separated and he told me he will have no one to hang out with which was also BS. Later he apologized (sort of) for getting mad and we left it that he could take some time to think. That was a couple days after he left. The times we have spent together since then have still been good. I think that I need to give him the ultimatum now. I have no idea if he has been talking or spending time with her. So then he sent me a text that he misses me. Just replied that I did too, because that is the truth. I think maybe I need to tell him he needs to decide now. If he is not going to use this separation to make the marriage better and that means getting rid of things that are causing me pain I don't think I'm interested in trying. It will only cause me more pain. So what do I say to him? How do I tell him this so that he understands.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (23 January 2011):
I think the ultimatum is good only if it turns out that you end up walking away from this marriage. It makes it definite and clear cut, no ambiguities and I think it's healthy for you to walk out of this marriage with your head held high.
But if he complies with what you want so you stay with him, as a result of this ultimatum, then that's where I think things can become more complicated because you don't know if he complied for the right or wrong reasons.
The right reason for him to end his relationship with the other woman is because he realizes it's hurting you and he cares more about you and the marriage than about her and is choosing to make a sacrifice because he wants to.
There can be any number of "wrong" reasons for him to comply though. Maybe he's just afraid to be alone and she's not available. Which means that he's giving her up and choosing you, but only for the time being until she becomes available...another reason he could comply for a 'wrong' reason is out of guilt. Like maybe he feels that getting divorced is too embarrassing or not something he can deal with socially so he doesn't want to be divorced though he doesn't necessarily feel more committed to your relationship and may still try to see her to get his needs filled but just be more sneaky to make it look like he's complying with the ultimatum.
You've already said that "he continues to do whatever it is he does with her. Whatever the relationship they have gets stronger. I already know he is having an emotional affair. I am willing to work through that. And I think I can forgive him with time if he can open up and realize he was wrong and be truthful. "
It's good that you're willing to forgive, but it doesn't seem that he's willing to admit he's wrong which to me is a show stopper. You can't change another person's heart. You can't make someone else change their thinking or feelings. And if your emotional well being depends on someone else changing their thinking and feelings, you're basically not in control of your emotional life which feels scary and depressing.
you could continue to work on strengthening your relationship with him and hope that this will override his feelings for her or that this will cause him to change his mind about her. But I don't think you should be spending your time and energy being focused on HER and trying to get him away from her or her away from him, because you can't control his feelings for her and what he chooses to do with her. His relationship with her and his feelings for her are beyond your control. Furthermore if he sees her as the one bright spot in his life, he's not going to give her up easily and will only resent you for "making" him give her up. Ironically, putting obstacles in his relationship with her, will only fuel his desire for her even more.
What is somewhat within your control (half at least) is your relationship with him, so that's what you should focus on. If your relationship with him improves to where he feels that this other woman isn't the one bright spot in his life, then you can only hope that this spurs him to make a decision about her such as to realize that what he has with you is more valuable or deeper than what he has with her.
If it doesn't...at least you are prepared to follow through with the ultimatum.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI realize ulitimatums are final and I wasn't ready to do it before nor was I able to let my voice be heard probably part of the marriage that was wrong all along but since things have gone bad I think that had I been able to be firm that I could have fixed this long before. But I was a wimp I was so afraid of losing him that it made me lose him. Funny that now maybe I don't have a chance to get him back but I am ready.
The problem with the taking the time and effort part is that he continues to do whatever it is he does with her. Whatever the relationship they have gets stronger. I already know he is having an emotional affair. I am willing to work through that. And I think I can forgive him with time if he can open up and realize he was wrong and be truthful. But emotional affairs tend to lead to physical ones. Well he's not having sex with me right now. And I have already seen her be manipulative to him. Like I said I know who it is I have spoken with her several times 6 months ago I would have considered her a friend or a growing friendship maybe she was new to the group I guess. But she took something I said to her in private and carefully chose her words to tell my husband only part of what I said. She saw and knew that our marriage was in trouble and latched on swooping in to save my husband from the pain and grief I was causing him. This is kinda an exaggeration but my husband has told me that he was so miserable with me that he needed to find other people to be with so he could be happy because coming home didn't make him happy anymore. There's alot more to the story but you get the idea. I don't want something turning physical or the relationship stronger. I am afraid it may already be but I will have to deal with that.
To give you an idea of how I know it's not merely a friendship the way he has led me to believe. He went to visit a friend for new years. We had already decided on the separation and he had a free airline ticket. At midnight who would be the one person you would call? The one person you would want to talk to. He called her at midnight on the dot. He didn't call or text any other friends at midnight just her. I haven't confronted him yet about this. He would just lie again.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
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A
male
reader, RayBones +, writes (23 January 2011):
 You deserve to have your point of view heard and respected, problem with an ultimatum is that it's so final and absolute. You have to work towards your needs, and if he is worth keeping, than he will be willing and want to take the time and effort in making things right for both people. If he can't or won't or isn't able to come to terms with the other woman while trying to fix what you have, than you will both know that it isn't meant to be.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for Resonding. I've tried not to be judgemental and look at facts. It is hard because he is not good at telling me his feelings. He just repeats how he is unhappy and how it is me he is unhappy with (not himself) but I also think depression may be on the right track here. But also I have told him that I am here for him if he needs to talk. I know that I need to give him this ultimatum. We are not going to work out if I don't. He might even come back because we are happy but eventually his secrets and lies would ruin the marriage for good. Now I just have to figure out the timing. I've given him 2 weeks since I told him before. We initially said that the separation would be 3 months but that we could adjust. I know it hasn't been long. Not even a month. But I already know how I feel. If I don't put my foot down about this it may just make things worse.
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A
male
reader, plasmoid  +, writes (22 January 2011):
Ultimatums don't work. Do not propose one unless you are completely committed to the '... or I'll leave part'. Even if you are completely serious, most people don't respond well to ultimatums. They create resentment and anger.Meaningful change has to come from within. He has to decide he wants to change. He has to decide he wants to change for it to be meaningful.You can encourage him to go see a counselor. He should see his own professional, alone. But, you need to accept that a shrink might very well say "Your wife is awful". He/She would be there to help him exclusively.To save this relationship, you need to operate in what is called the 'adult' state. You need to communicate with him as an equal. You can't attempt to push him around and you can't allow yourself to be dragged around by the nose. So it's a matter of mutual respect and acceptance of boundaries. Sadly, it's hard to get into that frame of mind and there's no magic words which will make it all better.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (22 January 2011):
 you have done a lot of thinking , reading and soul searching to help address your marriage woes.
Recently you have connected better than before.
How do you know he has not been trying to come to grips with his problems too?
And have you consider that he may be depressed and sad. And that that may b the real problem?
I think he has been trying to reconnect
with you. And away from the tension he's been feeling he's better. Maybe he really does want your love and to reconnect
with you? I suspect that he loves you, more than you now
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A
male
reader, RayBones +, writes (22 January 2011):
When bad things happen it hurts for a while but eventually we pull ourselves back up and move on. Hope, however... Hope is paralyzing.I see a flaw in your communication in that you seem to have made a lot of judgments about the way he thinks and does things. All these things you are reading and conclusions you are making in your head on his behalf seem like things you should be discussing and not "figuring out on your own"Also, you need to think of yourself, it may seem irrational to create an ultimatum, but hey you're part of this. You deserve, at the very least, the freedom to express yourself and your concerns in a comfortable situation.
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