A
male
age
36-40,
*orb21
writes:I need a bit of advice from some random people. I have an idea of what I need to do, but I am always open to others opinions.Anyway, where do I begin. I started hanging out with this girl back in February as friends. We literally started doing everything together - going out, to dinners, concerts, shows, weddings, hooking up, she started asking to take trips out of town together, she wanted me to introduce her to my closest friends, etc. Every time we went out, she would post things on social media about us, picture of us kissing, etc.This lasted until early May, when someone asked her if we were dating, and she freaked out and told me she didn't want everyone in the school thinking we were together. I told her I hadn't spread any rumors about us, and we stopped speaking for 2 months. In late June, she texted me for the first time to catch up and immediately asked me to spend the 4th of July with her when she came back from her job for the summer. I agreed and we eventually did. She invited me to a party with 4 other couples, but I didn't go because I was going to spend the night with other friends. We are in grad school, and it began last week. She told someone at a bar that she had a one night stand with a random guy she met last week. I overheard this, and initially didn't say anything, but as the drinks kept pouring, I got angry. Eventually, after being egged on by some people who already hated her (I had already been warned about her reputation but defended her), I started lashing out at her, questioning her morals, telling her I felt as if she used me, and telling her I didn't want to be associated with someone with such questionable behavior. We fought most of the night. She invited me over to her place late to talk it out, but I refused and went home. She responded that she was going to block me on her phone. I tried apologizing the next morning via FB, but was still a bit angry and she could tell, and she blocked me there too...I feel awful about my behavior. She did mean a lot to me, and I have no idea why I got so angry - probably because I felt betrayed and that she hadn't been honest with me and used me, but at any rate, I was a complete jerk.Can anyone shed some light on what to do next? Try sending her a heartfelt apology in a week or so? Ignoring her completely and moving on a lesson learned? We sit together in class this semester, so I have to sit beside her until December. I just hate this happened. I haven't gotten angry at someone like that since I was like 18! It was so out of character.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2013): The highest road you can take is to leave her alone altogether.
You're passive-aggressively trying to provoke a response through relentless attempts of communication under the guise of an apology.
How many times do you think you have to apologize?
If she doesn't wish to accept it, then what?
A campaign through social media for a press conference?
A monthly apology letter until she has to go to campus security, or the police, to request that you cease and desist?
Are you resisting her choice to discontinue any further friendship and contact?
Your actions speak louder than words.
If you care for her so much, leave her alone. You're obsessing. I hope the other aunts will finally realize this, and not encourage you.
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male
reader, zorb21 +, writes (1 October 2013):
zorb21 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I emailed her an apology last Thursday. So far I haven't gotten any reply, and I assume I won't for a while. I have no idea if we will ever speak again, but I said my peace, and I'm pretty sure she read it.
I'm not sure if I will approach her in a month or so and see if she will talk to me or not, but I doubt it. If she's interested in talking again, she knows how to find me.
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male
reader, zorb21 +, writes (5 September 2013):
zorb21 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCurrently, I plan to apologize to her next week. It will have been a few weeks since our fight. Whether she ever chooses to talk to me again is her call, but I do need to let her know I am genuinely sorry for saying what I said to her. She's free to live her life as she wishes, and its not my business to judge given I'm not her boyfriend.
Either way, I will have taken the high road, apologized for my offenses, which they were, and I can move on with or without her.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 September 2013):
 I think you are confusing two different issues.
If you feel that you and this girl have inesorably drifted apart and you can / want to do without her friendship , that's fine, it's a legitimate choice.
Ditto if you are not too sure yet if you want to keep talking to her or not, and you prefer to keep her on the back burner for the time being, while you make up your mind.
Whom you chose to befriend or not, it's at your discretion.
An apology instead, is not just ptional, when you have offended a person in a mindless moment of rage. You come to your senses- and apologize, whether you agree with that person's choices or not.
Who are you to berate people about their personal, private sexual choices ?... Torquemada , the Spanish Inquisitor ?!
How's that any business of yours , since you aren't even her boyfriend or husband or parent ?
She does what she wants- if you don't like what she does, you have the choice to not socialize with her and keep your distance. Not that of hurling abuse . So, if you have been verbally/ emotionally abusive, the gentleman's choice would be to apologize anyway. Whether you approve her behaviour or not.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 September 2013):
 Whether she is "proud" of one night stands or not, I DO think you owe her one (apology) IF you want in the future to talk to her. It's not really your place to judge her. If she was a guy most people (your age) would think he was quite the stud for sleeping around. Not a big dramatic apology, but one that shows you are taking the highroad.
But I'm guessing your pride is hurt because she slept with you and didn't really give a flying fart.
Do what you feel is right. After all this is on you.
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reader, zorb21 +, writes (3 September 2013):
zorb21 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe more I talk this over with people, the less I think an apology is in order. From the sound of it, she has some major issues and apologizing to her about what I did will only reinforce her idea that she is completely fine. Who is proud of having one night stands anyway? Goodness.
In fact, I can't tell anyone my story without them laughing at me wanting to actually talk to this person ever again. I guess it's helping me get over the sting of what went down.
At some point, I'd like to at least talk to her again, but I doubt I will say anything for a few weeks or until I am somewhere where I need to say something - in a casual setting like on the street or out somewhere if I run into her.
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reader, zorb21 +, writes (2 September 2013):
zorb21 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI actually never called her a whore in or questioned her morals. I went back and read our fight tonight. I just told her I felt she was using me for all I could give her while she also slept with other random guys, and that I had been a big defender of her and thought she was a good person despite warnings to the contrary. That was the worst thing I said to her.
It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was while I was drunk, and her final response of blocking me seemed really outrageous now considering it was relatively calm up to that point. I feel a bit better about it actually. Salvaging this thing may not be as difficult if I give it a few weeks. The worst thing I said was her reputation was awful and I had always defended her in the face of it.
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reader, zorb21 +, writes (31 August 2013):
zorb21 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't intend to use the alcohol as an excuse, period. While it's true this would have ended differently had it not been for my environment, I can't go back and change it. I can't take back what I said. I just need to apologize to her, for real this time, and let her know this isn't something I am simply laughing off and tossing her aside like she is expendable. When I make friends, I do so carefully and methodically so they will be people I can trust. I've had a group of close friends since I was 12, and we can say and do anything with each other and trust our word. I value my friends. I would stand up for them through anything. The biggest obstacle now is HOW to repair the damage. Some have agreed that a card is NOT the way to go, some say do it. Others have suggested trying to talk to her in class or after class and ask if she will give me a minute to talk. I think those are the only two options. An email is not an option. Talking to one of our mutual friends to talk to her probably isn't the best way to do it either. I guess ultimately it comes down to what I feel most comfortable with. I have no idea how she will react if I try to talk to her in person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2013): Hind-sight is twenty-twenty. The would-have's and could-have's don't erase the deed; nor change the end result.
Try to repair the damage. It may help your conscience; but just try to accept the possibility that the damage done may be irreparable, as far as friendship is concerned. You can't force people to forgive and forget. That's up to her.
It will be given in her own time.
You will gain satisfaction for the gesture made to initiate the process of forgiveness.
A woman scorned, is a difficult creature to reason with. Try as you may.
That's all you can do. You've learned a huge lesson here. I'm happy to know you have such deep compassion. Although, it still comes after the fact.
Blaming an act of cruelty on alcohol is a pretty lame excuse. So the apologies hold little significance. My sympathy lies with the real victim.
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reader, zorb21 +, writes (31 August 2013):
zorb21 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess the root of the problem to is I miss her friendship already. In hindsight, I should never have said anything to her about what she did, simply stopped sleeping with her and continued our friendship. But I was drunk and peer pressured and made a huge mistake.
I guess that is what I am trying to fix now. I have no interest in being anymore than her friend and she keeping her sex life to herself at this point and going from there. It's getting things back to that point that is proving to be difficult.
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reader, zorb21 +, writes (31 August 2013):
zorb21 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI felt it would have gotten worse had we met face to face at 2am on a Saturday night. Also, she never made an offer to explain herself. She told me we could meet to talk about what was bothering me. She never said she wanted to have the chance to explain herself. If she had said that, I would have made the effort to meet her halfway. I explained to her that I was in no state to talk and I'd like to later if that was okay because I felt I went too far, and she blew up.
Perhaps you're right in that was my only window to talk to her. I have a policy of never going to bed angry with someone, but I've done that twice with her now. And it is very possible she will never forgive me for what I said to her, but I am not sure what I have to lose by giving it a shot in the future. The worst she can do is ignore me as she is doing now. Best case is, she actually cools down enough to discuss things.
But this is not about me. You've attempted to make it seem like I only want to make myself feel better, but that is not the case. We spent a lot of time together, and I'm sure she's not out celebrating me being gone. I'm sure she's hurt and confused about this whole situation. If I didn't care about anything, I would just ignore it, leave her be and not care what happens to her.
That still may be my plan if indeed an apology note/face to face apology looks to be a futile attempt to resolve things. I'll see how it goes next week.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2013): You asked for advice, but persist on bothering a female who has gone as far as to block you from social media communication.
This is comparable to when a woman says "no," it means "no." She isn't interested in hearing from you. Period.
In this case, you may have cut too deep to apologize your way out of it. The time for an effective apology would have been when she wanted to discuss it. That was your opportunity. When she was open to it. You missed that window of opportunity. Re-read your own words:
"She blocked me, yes, after I rejected her invitation to come over to talk things out. I had said no because I was in no state to do it that night, but that wasn't a good enough reason for her."
The female mind tends to more emotional than that of the usual male. She may have let this all go; had you pulled yourself together as a mature adult, and considered her feelings on the night of your verbal attack. You coiled and struck a bite with precision, and simply waited for the poison to take effect.
I myself tend to be quite analytical; and before responding to posts, I read them over. It appears that you tend to rewrite or reconstruct each post, always coming out the innocent one, and she comes out unforgiving and flaky.
I looked at both sides; and placed myself in your shoes, and hers.
You are trying to clean up a mess; after you not only verbally attached her, you reinforced the words with insensitivity, and rejected her attempt to explain herself.
Well, my good man, your vain attempts at wiping up the crap after stepping in it, isn't proving to be a very easy task, is it?
Drop off all the cards or letters you like. She sees you for who you really are inside. So no matter how sincere the apology, or how bad you feel "after the fact." In her eyes, you will always be cruel, judgmental, and self-righteous.
Your aim is to make "yourself" feel better. Her feelings are of less consequence to you.
If it were her feelings that mattered more, you would have resolved it the night you lashed out.
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reader, zorb21 +, writes (31 August 2013):
zorb21 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I do care for her. She was my friend and I did my best to look out for her during our friendship. If I didn't care for her, I wouldn't even make an effort to right this wrong. I'd toss it aside, move on and do as the rest and tell everyone to beware of her. But I'm not going to do that because I do care for her.
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reader, zorb21 +, writes (30 August 2013):
zorb21 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy apology, if I decide to get a card and write it:
"I feel awful for what I did to you and to our friendship, and I am ashamed at my behavior a few weeks ago. I have never felt this bad. The truth is, you did nothing wrong and did not deserve any of it. I said horrible things out of anger and nothing that I meant. I really enjoy our friendship and the times we had together, and you are a great person that I respect. I hope in the future you will find it in your heart to forgive me. "
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2013): If we didn't run in some of the same social circles, I suppose I wouldn't be as concerned about making things right.
Do you care for this woman or not?
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reader, zorb21 +, writes (30 August 2013):
zorb21 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy apology immediately after wasn't sincere, and I know she could tell. I should have waited a few days following the fight to approach it, but I didn't, to add to my many mistakes. If we didn't run in some of the same social circles, I suppose I wouldn't be as concerned about making things right, but I genuinely feel like crap over this, otherwise I wouldn't be taking the time to seek out advice. I would just leave it as it is, forget her and move on. I screwed up, I put my foot in my mouth and I was ashamed of my behavior that night regardless of what she did or didn't do. I need her to know that. Truth is, I had no right to get angry at her. I guess what made me angriest was she didn't tell me. She was telling some random person about it. She blocked me, yes, after I rejected her invitation to come over to talk things out. I had said no because I was in no state to do it that night, but that wasn't a good enough reason for her. For my own conscious, I will likely apologize in a week or so via card. I'll drop it off at her house. She may ignore it. She may never speak to me again, but at least I will know I gave it my all to make things right. That's all I can really do. Confronting her in person is something I'd prefer to do, but I honestly don't see that going over well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2013): You can't make it to being an adult without a few episodes of opening mouth and inserting foot. You will do it again someday and when you do apologize. Make it right. The ball is then in her court. To err is human, to forgive divine.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2013): My friend, if you've done such a complete analysis of who this girl is, and how she feels; exactly why do you feel you are right for her from what you've said and done?
You claim she is childish, socially inept, and you imply she is promiscuous. Then what's this all about?
You're pissed that she had sex with someone else. You lost your temper about it, and handled it badly. She rejected you, and you don't feel she has the right to. You feel you should be rejecting her. Her reaction is an assault on your pride and ego. How dare she?
If she's so flaky, why waste any further time or energy?
Do you both a favor. Leave things as they are.
It appears blocking you was the only remedy she needs.
Your carefully-worded posts scream with pent-up hostility.
Your apology would be far from sincere, and your distance may prove more beneficial.
She no longer wants to communicate with you. Respect her wishes.
The fact is, your opinion of her doesn't really matter.
She isn't, never was, and doesn't plan to be your girlfriend.
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reader, zorb21 +, writes (30 August 2013):
zorb21 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd I did feel pretty bad in May too when she acted so ashamed that people thought we were together after she did all she could to make it look like we were. I am pretty well respected and I had no clue why she would be mortified about it.
She has never dated anyone seriously in her life - she has flings with random people and then wonders why they never stick around - so I am almost certain she simply lacks the social skills to know what she's doing or how to handle a real relationship. I don't think a guy has ever cared about her at all. Perhaps she was scared she liked me and acted like a child to pull away? Who knows. I think maybe her maturity level is the biggest obstacle here, because I do care about my friends and others, and she seems to struggle with it.
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reader, zorb21 +, writes (30 August 2013):
zorb21 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am not looking to get into a relationship with her. Honestly, I have a year left in grad school, neither one of us know what our future holds, and starting a relationship isn't something I am looking to do with her.I just feel bad about how I acted, and mad at myself, yes, for letting her use me as she did, so I am in a crappy state at the moment. It doesn't make it easier that I have to be around her a lot during school. I just want to smooth things out, talk about what happened and come to some sort of understanding. My biggest mistake was taking her back in July after her episode in May, when it was clear she had some social problems, but I am forgiving and thought things would be okay. I did enjoy spending time with her and doing the things we did. I am not sure if my current state is a product of nostalgia or not. I know I wouldn't have done half the things I did or put the effort into it that I did knowing this would happen. At this point, I think maybe a card would be my best bet - not an email. I'll just let her know she didn't deserve what I said to her and hope she comes around and at least will have a conversation with me. Pulling her aside in school may be a bad idea. I could see her freaking out since she told me not to speak to her again.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 August 2013):
Honestly YOU being mad at her for HER sleeping with someone, having a one-night-stand when that is actually NONE of your business, neither are her morals. Yes, I think you were a complete jerk. You know where she lives send her a card? Snail-mail kind saying I'm sorry I was a jerk, and leave it at that.
However, I think she was playing with you in the beginning, I'm sorry WHO The F posts pictures of themselves KISSING a "friend"? and then gets mad when people think you are a couple?
If I were you, I would not try so hard to be her friend.
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (30 August 2013):
 Owl has one great idea. And, here's another....
Buy a card of apology.... and MAIL it to her!!!!! Include a heartfelt note along the lines of: "Dear (her name here), I'm sorry for behaving like such an a$$hole, recently... and will spend lots of time regretting it. Is the a chance that I might entice you to forget it, too? ... and we can reconstitute the real friendship which was behind the things we did - and enjoyed - together?"
If you need any details about using the US of A postal service, send me a personal message, and I will tell you how to find their locations, and what the postal charges will be, and where to put the stamp on the envelope.
Good luck....
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2013): Does everything have to be done over social media?
How about a good old-fashioned face to face apology? No bells, no whistles, no buttons, or levers. No long drawn out speeches or excuses.
Just a heart-felt apology.
She may not accept it on the spot; but sometimes apologies need time to penetrate. Then leave her alone. She blocked you on her phone and Facebook for a reason. She doesn't want to communicate with you anymore. Respect that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2013): I feel awful about my behavior. She did mean a lot to me, and I have no idea why I got so angry - probably because I felt betrayed and that she hadn't been honest with me and used me"-Yes she's a user with not much regard for others- she may want to have fun But why throw people about in the process? It's inappropriate and bitchy to do that- she wanted you to hear, believe me. She's addicted to the buzz of attention men give her. And to freak out at the thought of you becoming public? She's so reluctant about what people think of you both dating? There's NOTHING wrong with you but she doesn't give one damn how hurtful that is to you. Blocking you on her phone because she doesn't get her own way?? Come on- attention whore (pun intended!) You feel abused because she's treated you like dirt, but also ashamed at yourself for letting her abuse you. And about the drunk thing? Believe me MOST of the population have done worse things than that under the influence! We're just a bag of chemicals and we all get a bit shaken up now and again! Hopefully I've convinced you that you're better off distancing yourself from her... Find a NICE girl cos yeah not doubting you care, but she's not what you need and you're just guna pit time and emotion into an unworthy cause.Focus on your life, career, friends, family, hobbies, and maybe when she's a bit more mature in a few years who knows? Don't mug yourself off, she's not that great a character, believe me...Good luck! Xx
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reader, agneeman  +, writes (30 August 2013):
 Sounds to me like you were in denial about the fact that you guys were dating. So you felt cheated on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2013): You definitely deserve a little credit for admitting that what you did was pretty hurtful. Obviously you know that no one deserves to be talked to that way, regardless of whether they slept with 1 person or 100 people.I guess the question I have for you is, where do you want your relationship with her to go? If the fact that she had a one night stand while you were trying to date her upsets you (which is understandable), you probably shouldn't try to be in a relationship with her or anything. And she doesn't want to date you either, from the sound of it, so that's probably out of the question.SO, you don't need to give her some huge apology, because it's not like you're trying to win her back/get her to be your girlfriend.What I would do: After your next class, pull her aside. (If she's with her friends, just say, 'hey, can I talk to you for a minute?') Then say something like, "I feel really bad about what I said to you. You don't deserve to be spoken to that way and I didn't really mean those things I said. I understand that you're still upset, but I wanted to apologize." Not sure how she'll respond, but then at least you'll have cleared the air a bit.Good luck!
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