A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I m pissed.Ladies opinions please, as I understood that in this question men are no help, sorry.My business partner who is a guy makes stupid in my eyes comments and asked out customers questions that simply inappropriate.For example, 2 older women come into the store, we have high end accessories shop, one is about 70 another may be few years younger. The guy asks if they are mother and daughter. Older women of course gets offended, because the other one is just her neighbour.A man in his 40 s walks in with a very young overweight girl, obviously she can only be his daughter or niece. The guy asks if this is his girlfriend. Father starts to laugh, the girl gets all upset and rans out of the store. She probably gets comments like that sometimes that she looks older than she is because of her weight, no wonder she gets upset.I m a woman myself, in my 40s, I 've been told repeatedly how young I look. Anyway when I say that I have a 26 year old, most people's reaction is a surprise. Sometimes I hear remarks indicating that people see my real age. Because it's very few times it happens, it surprises me in return, and I m not going to hide it, gives me a little dissapointment to hear it.But in this case, people only recognizing my REAL age, I can imagine how women feel when people tell them nonsense like calling someone who is only 5 years younger their daughter.My partner is in his 60s, he is old grey, and partially bold, wrinkly,not young looking 60 years old. In my mind there is absolutely no chance that someone can even think for a minute that he can be my husband. Every other person that comes into the store asks me if he is my husband. Dude is 20 years older than me, common people!Every time it happens I feel slight irritation. So, I can imagine what women feel in cases described above.I repeatedly ask my partner to not ask women all these questions about who related to whom, and also not suggesting to give a present to their grandkids, even if a woman looks grandmotherly age. I explained to him many time, he just laughs it off, saying that I m the only one that is so sensitive about my age.I can see my customer are getting annoyed by this questions, but I can't make him see it.Today I went to my hairdresser, and I saw 2 women next to me talking about someones wedding. One of the women in a conversation mentioned that her daughter advised her to get her hair done proffesionaly , this is why she is here.Another woman immediately asks her, if this wedding is for one of her children. I didn't see the other woman face, but I heard her exclaiming, o, my god, of course not, my daughter is still very young. Her companion keeps on saying that because she heard how her daughter reacted to the hair issue, she assumed she was a teenager. Yes, she is a teenager, a wedding goer said, but do teenagers get married? No, the nosy woman said, but I have 12 years difference between my kids. Ok, I thought, now she is implying that this poor woman has a child who is very much grown up in his mid or late twenties that is ready to be married. A woman with teenager says again, obviously already upset, o, my god, how old do you think I m to have a child that old? Finally the nosy woman understands and shuts up. I turned around to look at woman with teenage daughter, and saw a 30 something young lady Who i would never suspect to have a child grown up enough to get married. Judging by her face, I can imagine that her day is not going very well with nosy woman comments.I wanted to correct a situation understanding how she felt, and said something like some people have no clue. The woman turned to me, and said, can you believe her? I m 37. I have small kids, oldest just turned 13, and she assumed it's my child that's getting married. How old does she think I'm, 50?she was obviously upset.This is how women are, I guess, it's not only me that sensitive about my age, but plenty of even younger who don't appreciate comments like that, that I personally find very stupid. People say things not thinking like in this case, it's bad enough to spoon someone mood for a day, but to say things like this to a potential customer and possibly loose a sale this is just super stupid to me.Especially that I pointed out to him multiple times.Well, I return to work, and describe to my partner again a situation I just witnessed pointing out to him just to be careful and try to avoid asking these kind of questions.He laughed again as usuall calling me supersensitive.Half an hour later, a woman my age and a man looking at least 10 years younger than her are walking Into the store, looking for wedding bands. I was on a phone, and my partner was taking care of them. A minute later I couldn't believe my ears when I heard, so, who is getting married, pointing to a young man, and where is the happy bride. I ran toward them, but it was too late. When a young man pointed to a woman, saying this is her, of course, my partner, actually laughed and said, o, I'm sorry, I didn't know. What do you think happened next? Few minutes later they left, and I m sure we won't see them again.The stupidity and stubbornness of that man is unbelievable. I don't know how to go on like this with him. Business is new and fragile in this economy to trade luxury items is very difficult. We are doing good comparing to others, but still trying to establish our name. What kind of feedback we ll be getting based on whY's happening with how my partner treats our customers. I can see already how we lost quite a bit because of his personality. The sad part is thAt my husband is also saying that because I'm so sensitive Bout age issue, doesn't mean that other women are like that, and he is pretty much sure that it's not the case with most women.I m pissed. I m wrighting this in hope thAt after I get responses that I hope for I can show them to both men. Of course, I expect honest opinions. Thank you on advance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2012): Thank you all again for answerig.
I just want comment one more time.
CindyCares, I wouldn't blow it our of proportion if it was related to me. Again, when people think he is my husband, as I wrote it I get slightly irritated. It's not such a big deal for ME, and it's not such a big deal for some of my customers, but half is enough, right?
We are dealing with luxury items, that people don't have to have. Its not a grosser store or hardware store. We sell high end jewelry, purses, ets.
People who are our customers don't have to have these items, it's not a necessity for them. When they come to our store they want a whole experience. Some of them like to spend hours, just talking and sharing stories. A lot of emotions are involved.
Would you go back to the restaurant if they treated you not the way you want to be treated, probably, not. Would you stay again in a hotel, if you didn't get the reception you expected, I'm sure, the answer will be , no.
Would you go to a supermarket for groceries, if you once encountered rude cashier? Of course, yes, because you need to buy food. Our line of business is very different.
We Consider our business going well, if we have 2-3 customers a day. Lots of them know each other, or were reffered by someone. Some of our customers sometimes just stop by to say hi.
Believe it or not, people don't shrug it off normally. This is the belief my partner has that people just shrug it of, this is why he keeps on going on.
People don't just shrug it off, they never come back.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 November 2012):
 Uhm, I don't know. Yes , I guess you have a point insofar nobody is happy to be told they look older or fatter , or to realize that people see them as way less attractive than they see themselves, so if you are in business , I agree it's more prudent to abstain from personal comments and just stick to business, or talk about the weather.
Then again, I can't believe that people are really so sensitive to the point of actually get offended about this very common foot-in-mouth episodes. Fleetingly annoyed, perhaps. But offended ? To the point of not buying an item which they actually want and need, - to spite the seller ? My, this WOULD be being very thin skinned.
The fact is , lots of people are terrible at figuring ages weight ethnicities etc, - and the possible links between persons are countless, one has not got the time and way to figure out exactly which could be which, goes with a fleeting, knee jerk , not well thought impression, and perhaps says something incorrect.
I mean, you got miffed because they thought your business partner might be your husband. And why not ? because he's 20 years older ? there are plenty of age difference couples,how could they know you weren't one ? Or maybe YOU see your business partner as looking like 60, but in other people's eyes he looks 50- so we are back to a more normal 10 years difference.
Really. I struggle to believe that people may actually give such an importance to these episodes, - one laughs it over and shrugs it off, normally, no ?
I could tell you tons of these episodes, I'll limit myself to two , to not be too long winded.
Once I was in a bookstore browsing novels, an old lady comes over, smiles , winks, and says : you should be browsing the children section instead .. I'm like : uh ? On my way home, I realized that I was wearing a large flowing caftan-like dress, and she had thought I was pregnant. I was then all of maybe 120 pounds, so it's not like I looked like a blimp. It's just that most people makes the authomatic association large dress = maternity dress.
Another time, in a restaurant , a flirty waiter gushed " so, what these two beautiful ladies are going to have today ?" . One of the beautiful ladies was my long haired boyfriend ( who, at 6'3, looked everything but a lady). That did not spoil his mood - nor an excellent meal.
People are distracted, self absorbed, in a rush,not good at guessing....I don't think is such a tragedy, and should not be blown out of proportion.
Although, again, I agree with you that in a shop it's better to stay on the safe side and keep conversation neutral. But , I don't think an occasional blunder may actually sink a good business.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2012): Business has nothing to do with personal qualities or inside serenity, or how you look at the world. Business is all about customer service where customer is the main subject.
Your partner is making a big mistake acting like he does. He lacks professionalism, and it will hit him hard and already does.
It doesn't matter WHAT HE THINKS, but it matters what his customers think. Even if it's not that many people who take his remarks as an offense, even if it's only 2%, he still needs to stop. His customer,s sensitivity is not his business, his only business is to satisfy ANY customer.
You have all the rights to be angry with him, and feel how you feel. To call you overly sensitive and ignore your input is very disrespectful of him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2012): Some women are bothered by references to their ages and some are not. Based on my circle of friends, at least 60% of women are offended. Point out to your partner that offending over half of your female customers isn't wise.
As to how to convince him, point out how many of the people he's offended have walked out without making a purchase. Remind him that every one of the lost customers will tell at least 2 or 3 friends not to shop at your store, and why.
Is there any way to have him answer the phone, where (presumably) he'll be more professional, and leave the customers in the store to you? Or, find a book about growing businesses that firmly states that making personal comments to customers is unprofessional. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2012): I think when one is happy, confident, and secure with themselves - one doesn't take offense easily. It's a choice to feel offended and hang onto it and let it build, which to me, does not make sense. Why chose to be unhappy and let such things get to you? Why not chose to let it go and be thankful of all the things you have- good health, good friends, family...? Choose peace over anger and resentment.Positivity emnates from truly happy people and that is what draws people to them. If you can be happy and peaceful, people will want to come to you for business and can forgive your poor elderly Business Partner his approach.Also, what seems to be left out of the equation is culture, thought processing, and what people use to 'measure' age. If you are a young person like pre teen to early teens- you tend to be overly critical of older people. To you, old is 26+. Its perspective.I was five and wanted to be tall like my teenaged sisters. I was 14 and surpassed them by 6 Inches. I had thought they were giants. I'm only 5'6" by the way. Yet people seem surprised when I tell them my height. AS to them, good posture and confidence I suspect, with good healthy eating and lifestyle; they 'view' me as someone taller- like 5'8"- 5'10". That's a surprise.The Human Brain is a wonder.Perceptions is being under estimated in all of this - how we process information.To you, your business partner is overly nosy and cannot read 'social cues'. Doesn't make him a jerk and I am sure he does not intend to be one or does not intentionaly set out to irritate and hurt people. He sounds harmless to me.He wouldn't bother me in any way. Wisdom and Charity can give you the ability to better read and sense another's intent. IF he is intending to cause irritation- another ball game. But that is not what you report in your account.Where is the forgiveness, patience and understanding that we as the Human Family should work to have? I think you need to accept he is who he is and how he is, and let your anger and resentment go. You are bringing on negative energy and that means poor health and poor business.If you cannot work to be inspired to a remedy of your situation- then it is best, as a poster suggested, to go on your own.We create our Universe.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2012): You are missing the point, Honeypie. A woman in a salon was 37 old. Implying that she has a child who is 12 years older than her teen means an older child should be at least 25. A 37 years old can't possibly have a child that old. That was the whole point of that young woman being upset that she was taking for 50 years old.
As far as for me being judgmental, and overly sensitive you sound just like my ignorant partner. I made a big mistake going into business wih him. And frankly I don't care what disorder he has. He is hurting our business, and he ignores his equal partner, me, disregarding anything I say.
Poor social skills are correctible, when people admit they have this problem. There are classes to take on that available everywhere. But just to use your lack of manner saying , o but I just have poor social skills and keep on doing it?
You know a popular Frase, if you have nothing nice to say, just say nothing?
People just need to have thicker skin. I m not going to tell my customer what kind of skin they should have, or noone at this point. All I want for my business to stop loosing and upsetting them.
As one of the responds said, don't say anything about anyones age unless it's a compliment. I agree completely.
Thank you all very much for answering, and being on one wave with me.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 November 2012):
 I'm a woman.
I'm 52 (and i think I look it and I'm damn proud of it too)
My Husband is 39 and looks 25
when we get weird looks and comments we laugh.
I don't find comments like this malicious.... they are just people who have lousy social skills (much like me)
A woman in her 40s is in peri-menopause.
A 37 year old could easily have a 17-19 year old and they could be getting married.
I know grandmothers that are 37.....
I'm taking a yoga class now with a young mother who is pregnant... her older child is ELEVEN years older than her baby... it happens a lot. I have a friend who is young enough to be her siblings' child... she was a 25th anniversary trip surprise...
I see folks with kids now and I think "grandparent" but I know that folks are so overly sensitive about age for some stupid reason that I just say "lovely baby" you can't win for trying in this day and age...
IF you ask if it's their baby and it's their grandbaby they are insulted, if you ask if it's their grandbaby and it's not they are insulted. People need to have thicker skins and accept that not everyone follows the rules that they think should be out there.
As for you, I would easily assume a 60 yr old man could be married to a 40 year old woman... why wouldn't I?
I think he's outspoken and doesn't think before he speaks and I think you are judgmental and overly sensitive.
Can you buy him out so you both can be happy because I'm telling you that every time you tell him he's wrong (and I"m betting he knows it without being told) he cringes inside and feels lousy. I have ADHD and I cannot always control what comes out of my mouth and often apologize for things I said when I meant no harm but the rest of the world takes it the wrong way.
Neurotypical people who don't get how our brains work, are very cruel to us...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2012): Just to give a male perspective when talking to your partner. We tend to understand facts and figures rather more than emotional responses. I would agree that your partner's approach to customers is inappropriate.
When you speak to him use figures. Show him these comments and point out that even if it's only 10% of your customers who may object to his comments, that's still way too many people to upset. In all likelihood the proportion will be higher, but it gives you a starting point. Go through the turnover figures, discuss lost sales and ask him if he'd like to grow the business 10% without much effort. Then point out that this could be achieved by avoiding the sort of comments that upset customers.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2012): I read your post and I laughed, as just a few days ago I had the same conversation with my husband about it. He definitely resembles your partner when it comes to comments about other people.
First of all, I just want to say my opinion about people like that. Most of the time these people don't think. Second, they don't have a clue, or a minimal understanding about people's age or social status.
My husband is a proof of that. It bugles my mind how a grown man Has absolutely no clue how a person of for example 30 looks. He asks a 50 years old man if his 45 years old wife his daughter. When I asked him why on earth he would think that, doesn't he see that she is in her 40 s? You know what he answers? O, I didn't think of that, it's just that she is so tiny, and he is so big and fat, and grey. What????!!
But just watch how offended he gets when it comes back to him. We were at the beach the other day, and one of tourists asked us about something. We started talking, and I asked her if she is from California, as her tshort said so. She said no , she use to live there. Because our daughter goes to college in California, my husband mentioned her, referring to her as ,my daughter, not our daughter. The woman points at me and says, this is her, right? You should see my husband's face at that moment. After the woman left, he kept going on an on on how stupid someone should be to suggest such a nonsense. I agree, I told him, it was nonsense, but see how upset you are. How do you think all these people feel about your similar questions.
Sometimes he also starts complimenting someone o, wow, you have a child that old? Why? I ask him, she is in her 40s, why can't she have a 10 year old? He goes, o, she looks like she is 25. No, she doesn't, can't you see? He doesn't see, the man has absolutely no clue.
He got better, but it took me years and thousands of examples to convince him not to talk about someones age at all. He still does it, but in comparison very seldom.
You can tell your blunt partner, that not only women are sensitive about their age, and for sure not only you.
Being in customer service you need to be in a first place professional, and take communication seriously, especially if you are in a luxury field items.
He should learn the rule: less is more, and don't ask extra unessesary questions just to seem more friendly.
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A
female
reader, Miz7 +, writes (22 November 2012):
The guy you work with sounds stupid you're not being too sensitive, he jus isn't watching his mouth.. He gets too much in other people's lives and business. I think it depends on how much you care about looks, people think I'm like 10 since I'm short or think I'm in college by my face, either way I don't care. If you hav a strong conviction about age opinions give him a lecture about it :) he will learn eventually
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2012): I know how that woman in a salon felt, exactly, and I think your partner is just an ignorant man.
I m a young looking 48 years old, and I hear most of the time comments, sometimes really funny, that people think I m REALLY REALLY young. They called me several times my husband's daughter, or at times people think I m not even married, or surprised to hear that I even have any kids.
When I say I have kids in their twenties, USUALLY people are surprised, the reaction I'm used to through the years.
It pleases me very much. For me people thinking of me as a 30 something years old means they think of me as being beatifull.
But sometimes, women not men, mind you that I randomly meet like in your example in a salon, or doctors office, make remarks like that nosy lady made that don't make me feel very good.
As an example, I went to a doctor and a woman that was probably in her 60s after just a few frases we exchanged she started referring to me being menopausal. First of all I have absolutely no signs of that just yet, second of all you just don't say things like that to another woman. You don't know anything about your sudden companion, why would you even start suggesting anything about that person age if it's not a compliment?
I agree with you this is just stupid behavior.
The same thing with asking if someone shoo just happen to stand next to you is called your husband.
Recently I was helping someone who didn't speak any English with taking a new phone service. A woman who was selling us cell phone, out of nowhere asked me if a guy that I hardly know, half my height, and probably my fathers age is my husband. I started laughing, and a salesperson said, well, you never know, I see weird things at my job, that's shy I asked.
Exactly, my point, if you never know, or the situation seem weird to you, why would you even start suggesting things like that. We were an unlikely couple to say the least, not matching even remotely age, appearance or culturally wise, why would you even let a thought that for some reason crossed your mind escape your mind in a form of words?
I have a friend who is 10 years younger than me, and at least 3" shorter and 25 lb lighter,with long blond hair. She is one of those women who if you don't look closely at her face can appear to be a teenager. Few times I was asked if she is my daughter. Why, because she can hardly reach my shoulder, or because she has a body of an 8 years old? I get irritated as you do when it happens.
On opposite I have another friend who once I travelled with, who is 10 years older than me, but looks real good for her age. She is in fact had couple plastic surgeries and I think she looks amazing for her being
almost 60.
Half of the people that we talked to asked if she was my mother. Some thought she was my sister, or friend. I saw how upset my friend was, I felt horrible for her. I just couldn't comprehend how people as you said, can be so insensitive and stupid as to ask complete stranger personal questions like that.
Of course you are not the only one that is sensitive about your age. In fact I think that women who say they are not sensitive are simply lying pretending to be so cool about it, I just don't understand why.
Your partner not only discredits your feeling about it, he also hurts your business by doing it. He needs to take a course on effective communication skills, I took one when I was in college, and they touch this particular issue.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2012): Deff not the way to win customers over. I am expecting my first baby and went shopping with my parents (my mum and step dad) in a shop where the people running it sort of know us. The man offered his congratulations to me and my dad about the baby, thinking that he was my husband!! My parents expeshally my mum were upset, infact We were all distraught and embarressed and i have not been back since. This man will lose you customers trust me. Who is who and how old is not his business to know and if people wanted him to know then they would tell him!
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (22 November 2012):
 Hi
I think in a professional situation referring to anyones age is wrong,or making any personal comment, he won't endear customers. Some may just laugh it off so he will probably focus on them and think that if a few don't mind.......
Perhaps a Course somewhere in Customer Service might be a good idea. Has he had NO experience of dealing with the public at all prior to this ?
Or show him the Sales figures, tell him they need to increase and that a more polished attitude is required,suggest a 'sales pitch' scripted, you could work on it together.If your on your guard constantly in case he upsets somebody,the atmosphere in the shop must be awful
Theres no need to mention anyones age,male or female, unless its to check they are 'legal' for drink or driving etc.Personally I don't care and don't worry what age anyone thinks I am, but I know many who do.
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A
female
reader, peteloevely +, writes (22 November 2012):
 i am only 24 and i already get annoyed about the age comment, is scrutinizing... i most of the time get told i look younger which is fine by me. but there is the occasionally I get told that I infect look older, i don’t know what glass are they looking throw, but it offends me, basically any physical remark makes me feel offended, it makes you feel like you are being looked at with a magnifying glass... and it definitely does not help shacking away the feeling that society only wants you when you are younger...
he sounds a bit off an ass, certainly has the same tact.
you don’t have to be a genius to know that the last think a people wants to be judged on is age/looks...
and yes you are certainly right! if i was spoken to like that at a shop i wouldn’t go back...
i remember once at the hair dressers my hair dressers sister who was much like this guy you mentioned, told my hair dresser wow what are you gone do with that hair” looking at me, and then she added you will need a miracle to fix that, pointing at my head! i could not help myself, my face changed, as it turned in anger, i was soo very offended! if i had not known my hair dresser for years that would have most definitely been the last time i would have sat foot at that salon! no one pays to be insulted, everyone wants top brand service!
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A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (22 November 2012):
 I made the mistake of thinking he was an employee rather than your business partner, so you probably can't just cut his hours unfortunately. But I do think it could be a good idea to have him read this post and all the responses, then it is proof you aren't overly sensitive and you do know exactly what you are talking about.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2012): i thought men were smarter than that. i thought most men knew better than to make comments like that. the men I KNOW certainly know better than to say rude things like that. men may not be sensitive in that way, but as adults, i figured they knew women were sensitive to that.
besides, it's not just women he's offending. you clearly stated he probably offended not only the bride, but the groom when he made that tactless comment. i think he's just got awful social skills and that unfortunately probably won't change. he's 60 and set in his way. good luck. and yes. he's in the wrong.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (22 November 2012):
 "Too sensitive" is just another form of what's known as gaslighting. Where basically a man behaves in a sexist way, or just a bad way in general, the woman calls him on it, and makes her feel like she is the one with the issue.
http://thecurrentconscience.com/blog/2011/09/12/a-message-to-women-from-a-man-you-are-not-%E2%80%9Ccrazy%E2%80%9D/
He is being a jerk. I really don't know what you can do to solve it since you've already talked to him and he just bulldozes over you and claims it's your fault for being offended rather than his fault for being offensive.
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A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (22 November 2012):
No it is the case with pretty much all women. What woman wants to feel she looks old? Or get any comment on age? I get annoyed that I hear I look young all the time, 24 but people say I look 16. It isn't complimentary to hear someone ask "why are you not in school??" really? Highly annoying and insulting. I never understand why anyone would even feel the need to make a comment about how old anyone looks. It's insulting. And to the nosy woman at the salon, she's the same, just another one of those rude people who poke their nose where it doesn't belong. On par with strangers that need to comment about your weight, "you are so thin!" Or ask any question that isn't their business. Sorry at this point I am just venting. If your employee won't mind his own business and stop with the insulting insinuations then hide him in the back doing something else or cut his hours. He's hurting your business by ignoring you.
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (22 November 2012):
 I can certainly understand where you are coming from. As a whole, I believe men take age in stride alot more than we ladies do. Look at how hard the majority of us work with cosmetics, ect to look young! I have a feeling your partner thinks he is being friendly, pleasant or just joking around and is too obtuse to see that his remarks are not taken in the context he is trying for. I am 50, and am told I look 35. That pleases me immensely. People cannot believe my 25 year old is my son. My guy is 6 years younger than me and it tickles me to no end when people think he is older than me! I would NOT be pleased if someone started talking about my real age or making references to it. I'm vain, I admit it. I'm not sure what you can really do to make your business partner realize what he's doing, but I certainly can understand how you are concerned about him hurting business. He doesn't seem to get it. I didn't give you a solution (I'm sorry..what can you do except banish him to the back room???). I hope I made you feel a little better though. You're not too sensitive..I don't think he is very diplomatic.
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